Man placed on sex offenders register for sex with bike

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44 Responses to “Man placed on sex offenders register for sex with bike”

  1. joanna says:

    IIRC, there was a bicycle scene in Mechaphilia – along with a tape recorder scene, a car scene, etc etc.

    http://www.amazon.com/Mechaphilia-Sexual-Attraction-Machines-Schlessinger/dp/B000TUN1JS/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-6723469-2135153?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1193853623&sr=8-1

    I’m not convinced that Robert Stewart was doing this sort of thing. Looking at those padded, cleft bike seats Umbriel linked to above, it wouldn’t take a lot of imagination to, er, use them.

  2. Jared says:

    I have to believe in this situation the real offense was not identifying himself when the door was knocked on and apparently not immediately stopping as the staff entered the room.

  3. Samuel Tinianow says:

    Despite popular belief, Americans know what pavement is, thx.

  4. arborman says:

    So it is a crime to not answer the door in a private room?

  5. Maggie Leber says:

    Sorry about starting the punishment…I was just forking around. You can saddle me with the blame, but I’m just not the same caliper as some of the punsters here; they’re just pannier than I am.

  6. sexyrobot says:

    ok…which PART of the bicycle was he having sex with? (not that i can think of a single one that would feel good…)

  7. ninjasuperspy says:

    The best part is that the state I currently live in (South Carolina) is considering laws that restrict where people on the sex offender list can live. So in the end you have a wonderful place where people arrested for public urination (or fornication with a bicycle or what have you) have to live in a permanent ghetto.

    Add to that the fact that local church groups open new “worship centers” near adult clubs/bookstores to force them to shut down or move and you have a permanent ghetto that could be NIMBY-ed to hell and back.

  8. Flying Squid says:

    @#16: Some people even have all their albums!

  9. Annaphis says:

    The sex with a pavement conviction was not as lunatic as it sounds – the pavement was non-consenting, you see.

  10. GaryG says:

    He should count himself lucky, people have been Taser’ed for less.

  11. Gilbert Wham says:

    Confusingly enough, a pedalphile is attracted to scooters, not full-grown bicycles…

  12. the_boy says:

    So, xkcd is not the only webcomic that life imitates. Check out this shirt from Least I Could Do: https://secure.leasticoulddo.com/store/product.php?productid=16160&cat=244&page=1

    and sorry about the awkward link

  13. Cpt. Tim says:

    This Bike is a Sex Worker

  14. Teresa Nielsen Hayden / Moderator says:

    Well done, Scixual!

  15. mojo_jojo says:

    No one has heard the old joke about the village bicycle? Everyone’s had a ride.

  16. Jared says:

    Arborman, I agree that a person should not have to open a door in a private setting and I also have not a care what people do to things or each other as long as people (or animals) are not being hurt. In this case the people knocking repeatedly were housekeepers who were presumably just trying to do there job. Being a housekeeper seems like it would be hard enough without people exposing themselves to you while you attempt to work.

  17. Scixual says:

    Well a Scotsman clad in kilt rode a bike one evening fair
    And one could tell by how he rode he’d drunk more than his share
    He rode around until he found a nice and clean motel
    Then stumbled off into his room and brought his bike as well
    O, Ring ding-iddle-iddle I de-oh, ring di-diddly-I-ay,
    He stumbled off into his room and brought his bike as well

    About that time two young and lovely maids just happened by
    One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
    “See yon single room, 7B on the first floor?
    We should go and clean it now, but first I’ll knock upon the door”
    O, Ring ding-iddle-iddle I de-oh, ring di-diddly-I-ay,
    “We should go and clean it now, but first I’ll knock upon the door”

    They knocked upon that Scotsman’s door as firmly as could be
    And knocked again and one more time and pulled out the passkey
    And there behold, for them to see, the Scotsman stood unclad
    A-humping at his bicycle and frigging it like mad
    O, Ring ding-iddle-iddle I de-oh, ring di-diddly-I-ay,
    A-humping at his bicycle and frigging it like mad

    They marveled for a moment, then one said “we must be gone
    Let’s call the cops and nick this perv before he is quite done”
    And so they left and called the pigs who rushed right to the scene
    And locked him up and took his bike for a truly thorough clean
    O, Ring ding-iddle-iddle I de-oh ring di-diddly-I-ay,
    And locked him up and took his bike for a truly thorough clean

    Now the Scotsman sits in jail with all the murderers and thieves
    And mourns now for his bicycle, and no one quite believes
    The tale he tells is true and is the only reason he,
    A geriatric biker’s on th’offender registry!
    O, Ring ding-iddle-iddle I de-oh, ring di-diddly-I-ay,
    A geriatric biker’s on th’offender registry!

  18. kkdooau says:

    Holy crap has no one seen bike porn? It’s a little documentary that started in Portland and has gone on tour (I’ve seen it in Bellingham too). It has hard core bicycle pornography, hell they even do a snuff film with the bike, definitely disturbing, but I don’t think anyone needs to be registered…

  19. micropeer says:

    More inanimate sex. There is a character in an old Lawrence Durrel novel that preferred to fondle trees. The character in the novel simply could not resist the gently rustling and swaying movement that trees display while moaning in the breeze. The ultimate demise and eventual undoing of the man character in the novel came at the hands of the local ‘ladies of the night’, who used the city park where the trees were found as a meeting place with their clients. Seems to me, if memory serves, there may have been an unmolested red unicycle leaning against a weeping willow somewhere in the park, at the same time. True fiction.

  20. cycle23 says:

    Good god I’m glad you clarified the US english translation…. I was afraid you meant he had sex WITH THE ENTIRE BAND!!!

  21. Kyle Armbruster says:

    @Umbriel:

    Wow, I thought I was the only one who had read that story. It’s the first thing I thought of, both when I read the pavement story, and then the bicycle!

  22. Maggie Leber says:

    Obviously the guy is bikesexual.

  23. Jared says:

    Ok I am done with my serious posts. This story gives new meaning to the bike term “head tube” “Bottom Bracket” “Crank” and the the technique of “Reaming a headtube.”

  24. Jennifer Emick says:

    Maybe he shouls have just married it first:

    http://www.berlinermauer.se/

  25. cycle23 says:

    crap. #18 beat me to that.

  26. Stacyj says:

    The guy got caught in a nude with a bicycle? Should’ve just explained that he was a participant in the Tour de’pantsed …

  27. anthropomorphictoast says:

    To each his own………….though I’m not into doing kinky things with chains.

  28. slawkenbergius says:

    Must’ve been one of those mountin’ bikes.

  29. gobo says:

    Biiiicycle… Biiiicycle…. I want to hump my… BIIIICYCLE…

  30. ill lich says:

    Well. . . some people are just geared that way I guess.

    (Sorry, all the good puns were taken).

    True story: I once knew a guy who claimed to have tried to have “sex with Mother Earth” by boring a small hole in his backyard, and “humping” the dirt. If you knew him, you’d believe he would have tried that. (Talk about a dirty mind.)

  31. nemo says:

    It’s only illegal if it has stabilizers, surely?

  32. Halloween Jack says:

    Oh, Maggie! The pun, it burns!

    As for the cyclehumper, well, probably he should have put a Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob, or a chair up against the door, or something. But I wonder if he’d have been arrested if he’d been having sex with another person and been too far gone in the throes of passion to yell at the cleaners to go away. People of both genders have been humping inanimate objects as a method of masturbation since time immemorial, but “man caught masturbating” wouldn’t grab the headlines, would it?

  33. Anonymous says:

    DAMN!! And I thought Americans were uptight about sex!

  34. Ape Lad says:

    Halloween Jack, it could be worse. She could have called him a pedalphile.

  35. mullingitover says:

    I bet it was a bike from Vanilla Bikes. Those things are so sexy, it should be illegal.

  36. strider_mt2k says:

    I’m sure she’s sorry she spoke up.
    Was it a major chain of hotels?

    Either way, dems da brakes!

  37. the_boy says:

    as for the clarity of pavement, had you not translated it to sidewalk, I would have imagined a man having sex in the middle of the road with the road, probably to the tune of “Why don’t we do it in the Road?”.

    Unfortunately for him, someone was watching

  38. Umbriel says:

    I’m guessing it was one of those new… interestingly contoured… seats, like these:
    http://shopproducts.howstuffworks.com/Sport+and+Outdoor/SF-7/BEFID-96424/DNATRS-brand_planet_bike-bicycle_seats_and_covers

    The “pavement lover” reminds me of the Clive Barker short story “The Age of Desire”, where the subject of an aphrodesiac experiment goes on a rampage, and attempts something similar with a convenient aperture in a concrete wall.

  39. hassan-i-sabbah says:

    Very JP Donleavy!

  40. jplkeekif says:

    Sure…laugh if you will, but this is finally a step in the right direction for the sexual liberation of inanimate objects. Though this bicycle has received its justice, countless mattresses and sofa cushions across the world suffer in silence.

  41. dave hutchinson says:

    This does me no credit at all, but I had to wonder how this chap feels watching the Tour de France?

  42. Stefan Jones says:

    What I want to know is, what is the age of consent for a bicycle?

  43. Flying Squid says:

    No need to get all huffy, Halloween Jack.

  44. Fee says:

    OK, OK I apologise for explaining pavement. I’ve just got used to people saying “Wellingtons? What’s that?” or laughing at the (seemingly) inappropriate use of bum/fag/knocked me up/whatever. If it takes me more than a couple of seconds to think of the US equivalent, I usually assume it is worth adding. I was WRONG, sorry.

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