Army Seeks "Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band"

Noah Shachtman at Wired's Danger Room blog writes,

It's not completely surprising that the Army wants to hire a band to tour its bases jn Afghanistan and Kuwait.  The armed services get all kinds of folks, to entertain the troops.  "But it's the way that they solicit for rock bands that makes the whole thing hilarious," Stephen Trimble notes. 

First, a summary of what the Army is seeking:

Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band, group not to exceed seven people for tour of FOB's [forward operating bases] in Kuwait and Afghanistan for February 4-13 2008. The band should be an active rock band, with a music genre consisting of Southern Rock, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge and Hard Rock. At least one member of the band should be recognizable as a professional celebrity. Protective military equipment, such as kevlar, body armour, eye and ear protection will be provided when the group is travelling on military rotary or fixed wing aircraft.

Oh, and it gets better. Link.


  1. Well, that’s military intelligence for ya.

    And what good band wouldn’t indulge in “Any criminal conduct, unexcused tardiness or absence which prevents timely starting of the performance(s) required hereunder, indecency or obscenity, drunkenness, damage to Government property, failure to discharge indebtedness to the Government, influence of narcotics or hallucinatory drugs, threatening breach of national security, violation of the rules and regulations of the Host Nation, Government or TFF MWR”?


    – Act must contain at least one “fresh” MC and DJ combination, who have been “profiling” and “holding it down” within the last six months. Creative dental work a plus.

    – The crew may not contain “wack” MCs.

    – Points deducted if the artist is found to be “fronting.”

  3. Apparently there is no problem providing armor for professional celebrities. Perhaps we should just make each soldier a celebrity — if only for fifteen minutes at a time.

    Perhaps those fifteen minutes could coincide with any particular fifteen minutes that they take fire.

  4. Being a fellow soldier who has spent months at a FOB, any kind of entertainment that comes from home is very welcome and does keep us from going stir crazy. Having to be “switched on” even when your sleeping does take it’s toll on us, but when we get some good entertainmet from our bosses it is sometimes just what the troops need. If you don’t have the nerve to be there yourself, you should have no say as to how they take care of us. We are there so that our family and friends don’t have to be.

  5. I’m just waiting for the world premiere video from P^2! (That’s the PARTY POSSE!) “Yvan Eht Nioj!”

  6. I have extensive experience responding to these solicitations. If any Excellent or Adequate candidates need any help, I’d be glad to assist. Additionally if anyone wants to view the original solicitation, along with contact information for the procuring government personnel, go to and search ‘Rock Band’.

  7. Fred Willard will greet you on the tarmac:

    Lt. Hookstratten: This is our monthly “At Ease” weekend. It gives us a chance to let our hair down, although I see you’ve got a head start in that department. I shouldn’t talk, though, I’m getting a little shaggy myself. I’d better not stand too close to you, people might think I’m part of the band. I’m joking, of course.

  8. #5 – I appreciate what you mean, but does anybody actually still think it was necessary to invade Iraq, what with the whole bogus WMD thing? I mean, how far into the sand does a head have to be to retain that illusion this far along?

    Nobody, but nobody, needs to be in Iraq but the Iraqis.

  9. I though this gig was already filled. I went to the movies a little under two weeks ago and was treated to a music video by Three Doors Down called “Citizen Soldier”, brought to me by the National Guard. Or does the Army not get to use them because the National Guard got them first?

  10. Proposed Group keep comin up with funky ass shit like:

    every single day – Excellent
    once a month – Adequate
    once a year – Poor

  11. It looks like typical Army decision making: use metrics to weight the possible courses of action in a decision matrix. Yes, hilarious, but its a classic military decision making tool.

  12. Well– the US armed forces USED to have several of its own bands in various styles, there was an Air Force rock band called “Mach 1″, a Naval garage-rock band in the 60’s called “The Spiffys”, and a now legendary 70’s soul band called “East of Underground” (originals of their scarce vinyl pressing fetch up to $1000 with collectors, although recently reissued), not to mention the various official big bands and marching bands used for official events. I guess with forces stretched to the limit they just can’t afford to have any servicemen screwing around with guitars instead of guns.

  13. Hell, Three Doors Down already sold out, with their cheesy ass song “Citizen Soldier” being used in a music video for National Guard recruitment. Had the joy of seeing that one in the theater before the movie I paid $10 to see. Why not just get them to ship out?

  14. Vor der Kaserne
    Vor dem großen Tor
    Stand eine Laterne
    Und steht sie noch davor
    So woll’n wir uns da wieder seh’n
    Bei der Laterne wollen wir steh’n
    |: Wie einst Lili Marleen. :|

  15. @#20:

    The rationale for the war and when the troops should come home is irrelevant to what rock band is going on Operation Rock The Casbah.

    (Now there’s a song that ought to be covered on this tour.)

  16. OK, let’s get Paris Hilton, K-Fed, Scott Stapp, and Sanjay together! They could wear T-shirts with targets on them and call themselves the Meat Shields.

  17. What Niner said at #24: it is funny to see it applied to rock bands, but it’s standard military procedure.

    Arborman (20), that’s not the point. Given that our guys are stuck over there, it’s appropriate for us to ship them some entertainment. Making our soldiers miserable doesn’t help anyone.

  18. Burt if they were made as miserable as possible, perhaps they would mutiny against the corruption that put them there and come home.

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