Pornography jaded public want a new orifice -- the Onion


11 Responses to “Pornography jaded public want a new orifice -- the Onion”

  1. airship says:

    You probably don’t want to know this, but in Victorian London there was a scandal involving well-bred young aristocrats who would gang-assault prostitutes on the street. Because there were not enough orifices for them all, they would simply… well, make some more. Remember, this is in the time of Jack the Ripper.

    Maybe there was something in the water.

  2. License Farm says:

    As I used to say, Fuck ‘em in a place they’ve never been fucked. I was commonly thinking of the ear, but it could just as easily refer to someplace like, I dunno, Bayonne.

  3. wynneth says:

    1st comment!

    It’s funny how in places where nudity is commonplace there is a desensitization of the stigma, so you’d think in a pleasure obsessed population someone would realize that less is more. If you get people to wear MORE clothing for a few years then it won’t take much skin to be alluring. Ever seen those sexy bathing suits from the roaring 1920s? Frankly after seeing all of these 8 year olds in super mini skirts and tube tops, skimp is a turn off. It’s a turn on just to see a tastefully dressed attractive woman.

  4. Pop Astronaut says:

    This was one of the stories pitched when This American Life visited The Onion bullpen in the “Tough Room” episode:

  5. gandalf23 says:

    I heard from a friend that worked the ER that people were using colostomy bag holes for intercourse. She found out when a lady came in with gonorrhea in her new orifice. Apparently you can make good money, she said she got $1000 minimum, but she hadn’t realized that she still needed to be practicing safe sex.

  6. hexcalibur says:

    Is it merely coincidence that this item appears immediately above the “knitted gas mask” that alluringly conceals a number of alternate orifices?

    God, I sure hope so.

  7. Steve Schnier says:

    Great! Just what we needed. Colostomy-Bag Porn.

  8. Antinous says:

    So, we had a patient who couldn’t get pregnant. Turned out that her husband was using her urethra. Ew. He was obviously quite small and she must have had some abnormal anatomy to make the target even visible. There’s your hole for the new millennium. You can even dilate it with urethral sounds. Works for men, too! That link is not immediately pornographic, but not safe for work or the squeamish, either.

  9. Julie Ellis says:

    I’m reminded of a snippet of dialog from The Mikado …

    KATISHA: You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is
    plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened.
    Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to
    be sought. My face is unattractive!

    POOH-BAH: It is.

    KATISHA: But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of
    loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a
    fascination that few can resist.

    POOH-BAH: Allow me!

    KATISHA: It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of
    visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the

  10. knowles says:

    this was funnier when doug stanhope did it.

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