Pornography jaded public want a new orifice -- the Onion

The Onion explores the natural consequences of the mainstreaming of porn:
Jaded by the sight of what it deemed "run-of-the-mill" orifices, the nation's pornography-saturated populace released a statement Monday demanding a new bodily opening to leer at. "At this point, staring at an anus, vagina, or beckoning mouth has become so commonplace that it is no more titillating than ogling, say, the human elbow," the statement read in part, its list of demands specifying that the new orifice, wherever its location on the body, must be concealed by some sort of clothing or shroud during the majority of the day, so that the viewer grows more eager for its eventual revelation when its covering is seductively removed.
NSFW Link (via Kottke)


  1. 1st comment!

    It’s funny how in places where nudity is commonplace there is a desensitization of the stigma, so you’d think in a pleasure obsessed population someone would realize that less is more. If you get people to wear MORE clothing for a few years then it won’t take much skin to be alluring. Ever seen those sexy bathing suits from the roaring 1920s? Frankly after seeing all of these 8 year olds in super mini skirts and tube tops, skimp is a turn off. It’s a turn on just to see a tastefully dressed attractive woman.

  2. I’m reminded of a snippet of dialog from The Mikado …

    KATISHA: You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is
    plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened.
    Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to
    be sought. My face is unattractive!

    POOH-BAH: It is.

    KATISHA: But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of
    loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a
    fascination that few can resist.

    POOH-BAH: Allow me!

    KATISHA: It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of
    visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the

  3. You probably don’t want to know this, but in Victorian London there was a scandal involving well-bred young aristocrats who would gang-assault prostitutes on the street. Because there were not enough orifices for them all, they would simply… well, make some more. Remember, this is in the time of Jack the Ripper.

    Maybe there was something in the water.

  4. As I used to say, Fuck ’em in a place they’ve never been fucked. I was commonly thinking of the ear, but it could just as easily refer to someplace like, I dunno, Bayonne.

  5. I heard from a friend that worked the ER that people were using colostomy bag holes for intercourse. She found out when a lady came in with gonorrhea in her new orifice. Apparently you can make good money, she said she got $1000 minimum, but she hadn’t realized that she still needed to be practicing safe sex.

  6. Is it merely coincidence that this item appears immediately above the “knitted gas mask” that alluringly conceals a number of alternate orifices?

    God, I sure hope so.

  7. So, we had a patient who couldn’t get pregnant. Turned out that her husband was using her urethra. Ew. He was obviously quite small and she must have had some abnormal anatomy to make the target even visible. There’s your hole for the new millennium. You can even dilate it with urethral sounds. Works for men, too! That link is not immediately pornographic, but not safe for work or the squeamish, either.

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