Shrine to bragging, deadly Internet "mall ninja"

The Shrine of the Mall Ninja collects the posts of "Gecko45," a poster to a gun-enthusiast message-board, who claimed to be a mall security guard trained in ninjitsu who had been given special dispensation to use machineguns after the saved the mayor's nephew from being sodomized near the Gap store, bravely stepping in where the local SWAT team feared to tread. The guy's claims are amazing, milk-nose-sortingly great, and halfway through he creates a sock-puppet who heralds the brave mall-cops of America, who fight the fights that the FBI are too chicken to intervene in.
I am the Sergeant of a three-man Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas...If you want to laugh at somebody, try laughing at the sheep out there who go to the mall unarmed trusting in me to stand guiard over their lives like a God...

I tell you that we are undervalued for our beneficial effect on society at large, for the urban and suburban shopping centers see %80 of the armed violence in this nation, and why don’t the cops take care of it, because they are a bunch of wusses, and they are not man enough to put up with the danger and stress. You all who are makeing fun of me have never been threatened by jailed drug dealers, serial killers, and shoplifters, or fired at by high powered rifles so excuse me if I decide to have good weapons to protect and defend myself without all of you makeing fun of my choice, and they way I do my job!

My “Black-Ops” history ensures that you will never know about the missions I accepted in my younger days, and Vietnam still shudders when it hears the name of a an assasin so skillful and deadly, he is remembered decades later.

Link (via Gibson)


  1. I can’t prove this, but I’m about 65% sure that Gecko45 was my roommate in the Army. If so, I can at least verify that he once had a ninja suit and those “special boots” circa 1986-87.

  2. Man the guys at glocktalk and will love to see that NSFJojo’s fame is spreading far and wide, it’s been a classic injoke for years.

    Take a look round and you can see some brilliant pictures to go on with these classic stories :D

  3. Its easy to sit so smug at your little computer in your comfy papasan chair and laugh at heroes like this, but if we had had a few more mall_ninjas during the 80’s we would all now be kicking back enjoying an Orange Julius right now.

  4. I’m guessing that this guy is deliberately tweaking the boards’ regulars, what with his talk of kneecapping “teenyboppers” who double-dip the samples at Hickory Farm.

  5. He is very ‘Dwight K. Schrute’. On the other hand, there was that Omaha, Nebraska mall rampage that left 9 dead last December. But…he’s VERY Dwight K. Schrute.

  6. I couldn’t help it. I read the whole thing. At work. That is amazing. All hail the good people helping secure the Free Mall! Huzzah! Huzzah!

    One does wonder what a golf cart armed with modified Shrikes would look like. Especially given that it’s 10′ long, 3′ wingspan, and 390 lb weight would be a little much for the average golf cart to effectively mount. Well, I’m sure they had Rancho 9000 shocks on that cart.

  7. When I was in high school I worked as a busboy in a country club. One of the waiters (who looked exactly like Kurt Russell’s best friend in “Overboard”) used to brag like this in total earnestness. He claimed he was trained in a form of martial arts that was 3,000 years old and was illegal to even possess knowledge of. He was trained by some kind of shaolin master who was channeling the spirit of a dead martial arts master.

    He would tell us stories about fighting 10 guys at once, jumping out of three story windows, all kinds of outrageous claims, meanwhile he was like a 200 lb waiter in an ill-fitting polyester tuxedo in upstate New York.

    Brings a tear to my eye just to think of him. He was eventually taken out by a stealth assassin squad of pagan ninjas. Tragic.

  8. I swear I’ve met that guy. He kept trying to chat me up when I was young and unattached. Mall Ninja’s idea of flirting is to tell girls all about how he can blow away miscreants. But does he ever offer to take her shooting? Not a chance.

  9. “milk-nose-sortingly great”

    I know this is a simple, forgiveable typo, but my mind couldn’t leave it alone:

    Is milk or nose being sorted?
    Or maybe it is a collection of milks and noses?
    How great is this?

  10. Wow, I frequent gun message boards (as a casual shooter who’s left-of-center and doesn’t think the 2nd amendment is the ONLY political issue in the world) but wasn’t aware this was what the “mall ninja” epithet referred to.

    The funny part about the I.E. page is that I can’t get the shrine of the mall ninja to load right on my copy of FF.

  11. When reading that I had a strange sense of deja-vu in regards to what really should be called “gun speak”…

    And sure enough…I just remembered jlbraun, the “flaming liberal” gun-slingin’ “buddhist”.

    The main thread, “Video of man firing 18 rounds from a pistol in 3 seconds”, ended up being 10 miles long sparked by a fat guy shooting fast at open space in 5 seconds or so.

    Obviously gun culture is a hot topic in the US…I wish I’d know some more good documentaries that explore it.

  12. @#24

    Yes Antinous, when comparing his profile with the actual thread, there was little difference – short of a few outsider’s comments who clearly weren’t enlightened enough to truly comprehend the wisdom that results from walking around with a firearm…

    I think I’ve heard all pro and con gun arguments by now…I just want to be entertained, and pro-gunners are just much more up to the task…what would a non-mall-ninja have to talk about?

  13. I just want to be entertained, and pro-gunners are just much more up to the task

    Yeah, but he was very repetitive. I want to hear the history of firearms, how they relate to pornography, classic film shootouts, made-up anecdotes about Charlton Heston, made-up anecdotes about Charlton Heston’s gun pornography. I’m not in the least fussy about the truth as long as it’s funny.

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