Post-Rapture document delivery

You've Been Left Behind is a company that stores electronic documents for later delivery to your heathen loved ones after you get swept off to heaven during the Rapture. The idea is that there will still be time to save them too. The company claims to provide secure storage, but Bruce Schneier is suspicious.) From You've Been Left Behind:
We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.
And another section that seems to have been removed from the site since yesterday but is still in the Google cache:
You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way.
Link (Thanks, Carlo Longino!)


  1. So, they deliberately employed two heathens to hang about and do the admin after all the en-raptured directors go to meet the big invisible sky daddy?

  2. Why do so many americans assume they’ll be going to heaven? Takes actions other than simply going to church every week.

  3. Angstrom @3, I suppose it’s either a Rapture-resistant equivalent to a “Shabbot goy”, or maybe they’re just not that optimistic about the odds of everyone getting the Magic Sky Ride.

  4. Hysterically funny. I can already predict the after-the-event explanation:

    “It happened! But God decided to rapture your assets and leave you behind. He took mine and left me, too. Pray with me now, brethren, in the last days …”

  5. It would be hilarious if the rapture took place, but it wound up being an anti-climactic event. Just a few animals, or even just a small amount of people – like less than 10.

  6. #9 hey you might be right, maybe it already happened, and we’re already in the end-times.

  7. I’m not sharing the afterlife with anyone who is dumb enough to fall for this…

  8. “So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way.”

    I snorted out loud when I read this.

  9. What an excellent scam. Seriously, think of a religious reason for people to give you their banking info, social security, and power of goddamned attorney? Holy crap that’s deliciously evil.

    Which, you know, pretty much guarantees that these folks won’t be raptured, but they’ll be laughing too hard on a boat in the Caribbean to care.

  10. I for one will not be entrusting my financial data to a bunch of heathens on the off chance they deliver it to my loved ones after the rapture. More than likely they’ll give my money [$12.75 USD, £3 I saved for the tube ride home from heathrow, and whatever I find in my trouser pockets next time I do my laundry] straight to the Antichrist.

    Hey, while we’re on the subject, where does all this rapture stuff come from? Is it actually in the book of revelation? And if so, did St. Jerome give any good reason to make that book canon? Fair enough, he New Testament is all a bit samey up till then, but why throw in the trippy stuff too, I wonder…

  11. I thought it was amazing that Tyndale house — a pretty traditional christian publisher published George Barna’s explosive book, PAGAN CHRISTIANITY? EXPLORING THE ROOTS OF OUR CHURCH PRACTICES not too long ago. That book is a controversial mind blower. It changed my life.

  12. By granting power of attorney they seem to be all but acknowledging that lawyers don’t go to heaven. I hope legal counsel for The 700 Club and John Hagee have been informed.

    Judging from the homepage, are we certain this isn’t just a viral for some arm of the Left Behind media kraken? Or is the phrase “left behind” not trademarked? Because if so, I want to start producing porn with that name: “Bang My Left Behind”.

  13. Sorry to admit that in my less enlightened days, I used to have a bunch of friends that thought this way… The saddest thing is that I’m betting it’s NOT a scam, and the owners totally believe this is the way it’ll go down! Sheesh…

  14. has been running for years now. It doesn’t have the finanical part, it just sends a weekly email to your heathen friends, whose emails you have provide for their massive heathen database.

  15. Nice scam. And even if it were legit (ha ha yeah right), it’s missing the point. Material posessions would not be anyone’s biggest problem after the Rapture.

  16. historically, they believed this rapture buisness happens after the bad armageddon stuff. leave it america to come up with this crap.

    incidently, in dude that makes peace in the middle east is the bible’s antichrist.

  17. At least no one in Heaven (TM) will be able to whip out and finger their iPhone as a tacit reminder of how bitchen’ they are. Sounds like a wonderful place.

  18. I had often wondered how so called “christians” could reconcile their consciences with watching family and friends burn in hell on Earth while they lounged around on their heavenly cloud pillows, eating celestial popcorn.

    Watch just how vehemently this service will be denounced by the main mongers of christly Armageddon. Count on it, they jealously guard what control they have and will not even countenance this ludicrous sop to normal humanity.

  19. At the Daily Show I did a story with Ed Helms about a man who had set up a web service that would email your friends and family after the rapture to explain what had occurred.

    He was a very nice, humble person. I felt somewhat bad making fun of him. It did, however, give us a chance to have Colbert stumbling around shirtless, with bleeding nipples.

  20. It’s funny to me that the Rapture is an updated concept of the afterlife from the Middle Ages; that the saved would be able to view the torments of the damned, and this would make Heaven even more gratifying for them. I can’t remember exactly what this was called (“the conceit of the saved”?) but even the Catholic church, prone to a bit of torture in the name o’ god, eventually realized how petty and mean this made being saved seem and the teaching of this concept was marginalized.

    Of course the current crop of evangelists seem to love this kind of thing. The christian concept of a god of love has been pretty much tossed, in my view (I’m not a christian btw).

    Gotta mention that Six Feet Under opener where a woman thought a bunch of helium-filled blow-up dolls were souls ascending to heaven and then fatally crashed her car. Darwin in action.

  21. So, the way I understand it is, if 3 out of 5 of their team should “disappear” for six days, I automatically get my hands on my sanctimonious rich Uncle Harvey’s loot? And with a little research on their staffing…

    Heh, heh, heh. Lets see, Rope? Check! Chloroform? Check! Moving Van? Check!

    Time for a Rapture Ready Roadtrip!

  22. What a wonderful scam, rip off fundamentalist idiots with their own ju-ju. Maybe they can go further and claim tax-exemption as a religious organization.

  23. Dear Friend

    You are probably surprised at hearing from me. My name is Charles Soludo, and I am employee of “You’ve Been Left Behind” (Lagos office). As you may be aware, certain virtuous persons have recently disappeared from the Earth, and we have reason to believe that this is due to the Rapture. Documents have come into my possession concerning the fortune of Pastor George Smith, estimated at one million dollars ($1 000 000) …

  24. “The company claims to provide secure storage, but Bruce Schneier is suspicious.”

    Bruce Schneier never suspects. Bruce Schneier ALREADY KNOWS.

  25. “Dear Hated Nephew Tharklord,

    This e-mail comes to you now that the Rapture has occurred, and I no longer need my vast fortune, stable of Bentleys, and trophy wife. I’m writing to let you know that in the event of my ascension to heaven, I’ve arranged to have all of these things fired into space, just so you can’t have them. It will leave me more to gloat about as I sneer down at you from heaven.


    Uncle Harvey”

  26. I’d love to find a way to set this off accidentally. All the fundies who signed up for it would think the rapture happened and they didn’t get on the boat. And all of their friends would be pissed at the sanctimonious bastards who entrusted their documents to them because they thought they wouldn’t make it in.

  27. Dear You’ve Been Left Behind subscriber,

    I’m writing to inform you that there has been an astonishing happening never foretold in the Bible: a ‘mini-Rapture!’ Yes, while it would not appear the full event is upon us, the founders of this website (and all of your money that we-er… they had access to) have been swept up and vanished! On the bright side, we suspect that if you are taken up in the full Rapture, you will be reunited with your wealth at that point. In the meantime it will be put toward very heavenly Mai-Tais.


    The You’ve Been Left Behind Team

  28. how can I get mad at these goniffs? There’s a good script here, think the original Mel Brooks (The Producers). Tie in a sub-plot with Strangelovean generals (he could have a pet goat to stare at), oh the possibilities!

  29. More than likely they’ll give my money… straight to the Antichrist.

    So…a campaign contribution then?

  30. @#15 re: concept of rapture
    I’m pulling this from memory, having grown up a evangelical church where the end times stuff was pretty heavily taught.

    The concept of the Rapture mostly is culled from the books of 1 and 2 Thessalonians written by St. Paul. See 1 Thess 4:13-18 and 2 Thess 2:1-12. It would take a long time to explain it all since a lot of it is developed from a lot miscellaneous texts throughout Scripture.

    Wikipedia actually has a pretty good article on it here:

    And Takuan, (#28) one thing I can say is that despite my (former) church’s very rigid viewpoints on some things, being able to see post-Rapture events on earth or laughing at what people were experiencing during the Tribulation period (i.e. the time after the church was raptured), was never taught. It was taught as a horrible, terrible event that no one should have to experience. YMMV.

  31. @42;
    I see it. They hatch a plot to defraud the faithful by conning them out of their assets to ‘keep them safe’ in case of Rapture, but in the last act The Rapture really comes and they burn in Hell forever! Well, for the rest of the reel anyway. I like it!


    Wuh… What?!? Outer space? The trophy wife too?!?

    Spirit, Opportunity, Phoenix. I don’t stand a chance. Chicks really dig them rover bots.

    Oh man, Mars is the party planet for sure.

  33. I tried logging in with ‘jesuschrist’ as the username. Entry denied? What’s going on?

  34. I adore this company’s logic.

    My own favorite Left Behind tie-in merchandise.

    Angstrom, I’m with Zippy: think of them as postmillennial shabbas goys. And if it should happen that everyone on their staff is Raptured, they won’t be worrying about what happens to your data anyway.

    Of course, if everyone on their staff is Raptured, odds are their customers and their heirs and assigns will be too.

    ScottFree @15, the Rapture is non-Biblical, though believers have scraped together a collection of disparate verses that don’t contradict the reading outright. They also claim to have found evidence of these teachings in the writings of St. Augustine of Hippo, St. Isidore of Seville, and the Venerable Bede. I’m fairly certain all three of them would be astonished to hear about it.

    Where it really comes from is Dispensationalism, which was more or less invented by a guy named Darby in the 1830s, after he took a bad fall off a horse. I believe that most Rapture enthusiasts are technically Premillennial Dispnsationalists, but it’s hard to sort out the distinctions. Here’s a chart.

    In my opinion, the Rapture and its epiphenomena can best be understood as a body of folk-accretion theological fanfic.

    The story’s period of popularity really starts in the 1970s, when Hal Lindsay published a bestseller called The Late Great Planet Earth. It became humongously popular as a result of the publication of Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins’ “Left Behind” series, which currently stands at sixteen books and counting, plus several spinoff series, graphic novels, movies, etc. etc. etc. It’s basically near-future science fiction, except in place of science it uses the Book of Revelations.

    Proof that God is merciful: the Left Behind series has never been successfully crossbred with the art of Thomas Kinkade.

    License Farm, Nakoma: Rule #34 wins again. Be careful with that link; it’s EMPHATICALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

    Takuan @28, has it ever occurred to you that your lurid beliefs about What Christians Do grant them more power and influence than they deserve? You’re doing what Cory refers to as “letting them rent space in your head.”

    Aquinas himself observed that since time is infinite and God’s mercy is infinite, all souls should be saved eventually, even Lucifer’s.

  35. Of course the current crop of evangelists seem to love this kind of thing. The christian concept of a god of love has been pretty much tossed, in my view (I’m not a christian btw).

    Turning the other cheek is very hard to do, yes. The perfection that Jesus taught is akin to the lifelong pursuit taught by yoga masters – not for the weak. However, school children in India do yoga poses, and people go to church to give it a go anyway.

  36. My gut feeling is that these people have pretty strong faith that the rapture is coming in their lifetimes. I have mixed feelings about this since given that there is no evidence of this to me their faith borders on delusion.

    This is a pretty harmless way to ‘save’ others. But the same thinking can easily be used justify harmful things. Things like removing a person’s rights or cleansing them of their sins by fire.

    So anytime I see unbridled faith in action it makes me nervous. Even for something as innocuous as a service to have a will executed in case of rapture. :P

  37. hey, I never heard of Pre-determinism until I met this dour Scots high-school teacher. To this day, his “They’re hopeless” dismissal of billions of non listed souls represents to me the epitome of human capacity to step over the bleeding body on their way to the theater.

  38. Thanks for the background, TNH and Mrsbug. Part of me is curious: is there a good critical history? With phenomenon like these ‘premillennial dispensationalists’ I tend to think asking cui bono will answer why it is so popular, but while the cynical marxist in me recognises the uses of a fanatical religious group to those in power, I can’t for the life of me imagine why believe specifically in rapture? in seven years of antichrist? in any of the weird stuff they come up with? The Bible is too foundational to western civilisation for me to wonder too much why people believe in that, but if as you say, this business primarily took off in the 70s with some random book, why were people willing to believe it then but not before, as the Wikipedia article show people had published books for decades?

    Ah well. Life is full of things to worry about without adding this.

  39. A nice cheery little old JW lady, usually alone, used to come to my door selling Watchtower every few months. We never discussed religion, merely exchanged pleasantries, but I always ‘donated’ to the magazine. They had their own version of the Rapture scheduled that year, 1975, and she said she probably wouldn’t be calling again, so maybe I might want to think about what I’d been reading in those issues for which I regularly paid a dollar. (Many years before, the JWs had promised the U.S. Attorney General that their million members would pledge a dollar a month to take all laws against hand billing and leafletting to the Supreme Court as long and often as NECESSARY, and they thus secured for all of us important First Amendment rights; the buck I regularly donated was a symbolic ‘thank you’ for defending freedom of speech.) I told her that, alas, I wouldn’t make the cut because I was a terrible and unrepentant sinner, but for her to go ahead and have a good time, and that we would remember now and then and think good thoughts for each other.

    I didn’t see her for about a year, nor did I think of her (you never think of a Watchtower salesperson until you see them again), but one Saturday morning there she was at my door, smiling and cheerful. I was sorely tempted to tease her, but I refrained; that is, I refrained until she said, ‘I’ll bet you’re surprised to see me.’
    ‘I certainly am,’ I said, ‘I thought you were in heaven.’
    ‘”Heaven?” I only moved to Corvallis.’
    ‘Uh, I mean the Rapture thing, or whatever you call it….’
    She laughed. ‘Oh, the elders, they calculated wrong. So back to the drawing board! I hope they get it right this time.’

  40. I heard they own Brooklyn now
    Just the bridge, but they’ve optioned the rest.

  41. It has always bothered me that the description of the antichrist, for example, bringing Jews to Israel, causing them to keep Torah, building the temple, bringing world peace, etc are exactly that of the real Jewish Messiah. I guess they had to drive over and kill the original concept to get their guy into the role. I wish if they had wanted to start a religion they had started somewhere else instead of trying to pwn our traditions, cripes take a lesson from the scientoligists. BTW christians please don’t ever again tell me again you too are Jewish too because of jebus while you are trying to force your faith down my throat during work hours, that is just stupid and wrong!

    BTW in REAL (non-jews for jebus) Judaism the gentiles and off the track Jews actually get a piece in the world to come.

  42. Rebdav, y’all kicked them out, was the way I heard it.

    Takuan, do you mean predestination? I’m sorry if I’m about to be rude to any Calvinists reading this thread, but I’ve always thought that was a seriously creepy doctrine. A lot of people do. I’m not sure what the Calvinists see in it.

  43. #4 Said:

    Why do so many americans assume they’ll be going to heaven? Takes actions other than simply going to church every week.

    The people most likely to believe that the Rapture is close at hand (and these would be the pre-Tribulationists, the ones who believe that Christians get a free pass out of the 7 years of Tribulation) and who are most likely to be interested in this service are also the people who do not believe that works, no matter how noble, or sinister, have any bearing on salvation at all. These would be the “born again” Christians, who believe that all those who believe in their heart and confess with their mouth that Jesus is the Son of God and therefore accept Him as their Personal Lord and Savior will be granted salvation.

    This, right here, is why I always heed the words of the late, great William S. Burroughs:

    “If you’re doing business with a religious son of a bitch, get it in writing. His word isn’t worth shit. Not with the Good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.”

    When actions don’t matter to your God, you can be sure they won’t matter to your people, either.

    It’s the major reason I finally lost my faith and rejected my upbringing as a born again, pre-Tribulationist. The heathens were so often so much nicer than the Christians, and the only way I could rectify that was to admit that the story of the sky wizard and his son was utter nonsense.

  44. dat’s da bunny. Didn’t realize it came in different flavours. I swear to our Dark Lord and Master, Satan Mekatrig, it still gives me the creeps,the little half smile on his face as he explained it to me. As to renting space in my head, creativity and my defense attorney require demons.

  45. you reminded me of Roger Z.’s:
    The Agnostic’s Prayer

    Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

  46. I’m surprised no-one’s mentioned the Post-Rapture Post yet.
    Guaranteed delivery by atheists, who obviously won’t be joining the Rapture.

    Also, since they’re actual physical letters, they’re a lot less prone to abuse or mistaken early delivery…


    …sorry, I couldn’t help but quote Bioshock. >.>

  48. @#59:

    Mark Twain had Huck Finn call it, in the boy’s delightfully mangled way, “Preforeodestination.”

  49. Theological arguments aside, the thing that interests me is this:

    Assuming this business is “legit”, insofar as something like this CAN be legit, it’s just bound to go wrong at some point and those emails will be sent (or sent prematurely as the case may be).

    Most likely scenario IMHO? When they go out of business (when, not if) they keep the server running for a few days AFTER they let the employees go. Nobody logs in and a few hundred unlucky saps get an email telling them the rapture is underway and they missed the boat.

    A lot of assumptions here, but if this business does what they say they do, and if they have their software configured the way they say they do, then this could have hilarious consequences.

  50. A friend made a very interesting comment: If this isn’t serious, it sounds like a great scam for getting people to send information useful for identity theft. Even if it is serious, it sounds like a tempting target for an identity thief to go after. What are the odds their system security folks have a clue?

    There are also reports that a competing service has been started which promises that all its sysops are athiests, and hence can promise to be around to maintain their system and make sure all the messages actually get delivered — something that the true believers, obviously, can’t offer.

    … I do sorta like the idea of a general “delay mail” system (I think that was Heinlein’s concept originally?) where one could securely file information to be released to specified individuals when a certain set of circumstances is met. I’m not sure it would actually get enough use to justify offering a well-designed service, but maybe if one can find a few more fringe applications such at this one, maybe.

Comments are closed.