Collection of funny items clipped from newspapers

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28 Responses to “Collection of funny items clipped from newspapers”

  1. Herobotic says:

    I cannot stop laughing at this site. My girlfriend does not want to be in the same room as me, and I do not blame her.

  2. spazzm says:

    And then, he voted.

  3. Chocolatey Shatner says:

    Did I miss a thesaurus update? Is funny now a synonym for sad?

  4. Narual says:

    well, he’s right. If congress had stopped funding for public TV, we’d all end up paying for it. Consider how much worse the US would be without Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street.

  5. Xopher says:

    Reminds me of the time I complained about Hoboken putting a set of fancy brass plaques in the street to celebrate its claim to be the birthplace of baseball (dongemmestahted), and the bozo I was talking to shouted “The taxpayers didn’t pay for that! The money came from the state!”

    What can you say to that? I walked away. Later I found out the state money was our funding for infrastructure repair. Preventing watermain breaks apparently doesn’t qualify, but installing baseball diamonds does.

    Our mayor is a stupid asshole, as you’d know if you ever saw him, even from across the street.

  6. SamSam says:

    These are hilarious. I’m having quite a bit of trouble keeping my body-shaking laughter quiet while I read these at work.

  7. Automatt says:

    This actually makes sense when you consider how much money congress borrows every year from foreign governments. Did you think your tax dollars paid for everything?

  8. wurp says:

    @#6: Right, my kids’ tax dollars pay for it, instead. x 10.

    Not that you’re ignorant of that, but it had to be said.

  9. JSG says:

    We are doomed.

    People like Mr. Guess are the true reason why we are in such financial trouble. Of course it takes 535 to tango.

    The congress people are ripping us off, vote them all out! Tell them that ideas are more important that personality.

  10. JJR1971 says:

    “This actually makes sense when you consider how much money congress borrows every year from foreign governments. Did you think your tax dollars paid for everything?”

    Maybe not all at once, but that’s where it all comes from in the end…albeit much passed off to the grandkids, and the grandkids’ grandkids….

  11. sicklecell says:

    It’s quite amazing that the content of government funded TV and Radio is often the most impartial of our information sources within those mediums.

    And perhaps the stations we pay for by choice are the most influenced by government.

  12. dansinch says:

    Not only are they Tonight Show-style, they’re copied directly from the NBC website.

    “I feel compelled to mention that the content on this page comes from the Tonight Show web-page at nbc.com. I am in no way affiliated with Jay Leno, his wry sense of humor, or his awkwardly large chin.”

    http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/jbistlin/headlines.htm

  13. thegr8dv8 says:

    If you haven’t yet, take a look at all (14 pages!) of these. I must look insane, sitting here and erupting with laughter every 10 seconds.

    Waterford boy, 8, saves sister’s life by using the Heimlich Maneuver. Look at his quote… “I wouldn’t do it again. She’s been a pain this week.”

    “Police responded to a report that two dogs (were) running along loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The ducks refused medical treatment and left the area.”

  14. membeth says:

    Mostly amusing, but one is not a misprint or mistake: “Practice reading with a real dog…”

    It’s a method of improving reading skills and speech problems. Kids with trouble reading or speaking benefit from reading out loud, and dogs don’t judge you when stutter or misread. Plus, kids have more tolerance for tutoring if it doesn’t seem as onerous. I mean, “practice reading with a real dog” is a lot more appealing than “read out loud to a special ed teacher because we think you’re slow.”

    I used to do this with my golden when I was a kid. I was reading well above grade level, but hated reading in class and would become incapable of coherent speech. I made a fort in my closet and read The Chronicles of Narnia to her. She was a very tolerant audience and sat there with her head in my lap seemingly hanging on my every word.

    I now read in Spanish to my lab mix. Reading aloud is good for pronunciation in a new language and I feel less silly if I’m not talking to myself. She gets “Harry Potter.” (I’ve tried this on my cat too, but that doesn’t go as well…)

  15. mikep says:

    Clippings are funny, guy who put them together isn’t. Would be good if he let us work the joke out for ourselves once in a while…

  16. Mark Jaquith says:

    He’s right, except that he omitted one crucial point. If Congress stopped paying for it out of public funds, taxpayers would pay for it only if they wanted to. My, what a crazy idea: people pay for what they want, and aren’t forced at gunpoint to pay for things they don’t want! I don’t know… it sounds too crazy to work.

  17. membeth says:

    Alas, I just got to “Texans support the death penalty but only for the guilty.” If that were true, it would be a big improvement over the current state of public opinion in my adopted state, where the attitude is if you manage to get onto death row, even if you didn’t commit THAT murder, you must’ve done SOMETHING….

  18. zuzu says:

    well, he’s right. If congress had stopped funding for public TV, we’d all end up paying for it. Consider how much worse the US would be without Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street.

    Then what’s with all of those interrupting commercials, er, I mean “pledge drives”?

    Also, I’m fine with Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, but half of PBS is Riverdance and motivational speakers for baby boomers.

    Should taxes really pay for the new age “spiritual” bullshit peddled by Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer?

  19. AlexG55 says:

    The “Civil War planes” on page 1 is a bit America-centric. After all, plenty of countries have had civil wars in which aircraft were used.

  20. stratosfyr says:

    #12: “…taxpayers would pay for it only if they wanted to.

    Yeah, or just let it go to crap because the people who did care couldn’t afford it, and the people who could afford it didn’t care.

  21. Avram says:

    This is another one of those cases where many people absorbed talking points decades ago and haven’t updated them as the real-world facts have changed. Back in the 1970s, NPR and PBS were mostly funded by the federal government. Nowadays, they’re mostly funded from a combination of corporate donations, university grants, state and local taxes, and those annoying pledge drives. Only about 20% of funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting comes from the federal government. About 25% comes from state and local taxes.

    So Richard Guess was actually right! If Congress stopped funding NPR and PBS, the (state and local) taxpayers could make up the difference.

  22. acipolone says:

    Collection of Tonight Show style newspaper items.

    A bunch (if not all) of these are actually from the Tonight Show.

    Let’s hope Leno doesn’t come after him. That chin … that terrifying chin …

  23. Mikey Likes BoingBoing says:

    Look, I’ve read and heard much worse than Mr. Guess’ remarks, along brain-dead partisan lines along the lines of, ‘Well, a lot of them PBS shows sure sound French-like, and what would Jeezus say ’bout some of that librul stuff like Frontline makin’ fun o’ duh President in Chief?’

  24. Gillagriene says:

    #12: “…taxpayers would pay for it only if they wanted to.”

    Redistributing wealth, organizing large groups of people for work only large groups of people can do, settling disputes and security is what government does.

  25. RJ says:

    I think Mr. Guess’ opinion is very likely based on old information, as Avram mentioned. I highly doubt someone of his apparent age would be ignorant to how the federal government works.

  26. JSG says:

    #15 POSTED BY AVRAM

    It still comes out of the tax payers pocket. Whether it is Local, State, or Federal, it all originates with us.

    #17 POSTED BY GILLAGRIENE

    The only thing that the United States government should be doing is settling disputes within the nation and providing a military to protect it’s citizens from other nations. Redistributing wealth is a relatively new thing that the government has done, it started with T Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson right through FDR’s New Deal, Johnson’s Great Society, to tomorrows old “new” ideas with Obama or McCain. I wonder what it will be called, The New Society? Maybe The Great Deal. No matter what we get to hand over large chunks of our money so that politicians can feel better about themselves.

    #18 POSTED BY RJ

    You would be surprised. For $4.95 you can run to Borders or B&N and get a copy of the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution, and The Bill of Rights. Even I learned a lot, for instance, the Senators were not originally elected by the people, but buy the state legislature. The law was changed by the 17th Amendment.

  27. thrillbot says:

    Note that the quote comes from CharlesTOWN (apparently a place in Massachusetts), not CharlesTON, South Carolina. We Southerners aren’t to blame for ALL the ignorance in this world!

  28. pauldrye says:

    Redistributing wealth is a relatively new thing that the government has done…No matter what we get to hand over large chunks of our money so that politicians can feel better about themselves.

    You can pay for social services or you can pay for an internal army and prisons. One way or another, you will be giving up money to make a viable state; “None of the above, thank you” is as pie-in-the-sky as hardcore Marxism.

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