Thank you for not douching out.


67 Responses to “Thank you for not douching out.”

  1. mujadaddy says:

    That doesn’t bother me. The idea of watching a cricket suffer does, though.

    I’m hardly a Buddhist — Killing is sometimes right & proper — but I don’t like to see things suffer.

  2. Rickmccl says:

    SO! Did anyone else enjoy the alternative greeting cards at Achewood?

  3. Anonymous says:

    A hotel employee in Pakistan returned a large sum of money that he found in the room of the person who had left it behind. He is now being honored by his government for not “douching out”!

    BBC article:

  4. Brons says:

    You gotta love language and insults. “S.O.B.” is a more polite way of saying “son of a bitch”, which is, of course a euphemistic way of calling someone a “dog” or a “cur”, which is of course the far ruder insult, or was once if you are European and still is if you are from the Middle East.

    Gotta love it.

    At least Xeni says it with flowers.

  5. Chocolatey Shatner says:

    I think that it’s a pity we have to start thanking people for doing something they should be doing in the first place. I wonder if the recipient of such a card would be more pleased or pissed?

  6. TEKNA2007 says:

    New acronym: TYFNDO

  7. sillybapx says:

    I was really afraid this was a Mother’s Day card.

  8. jbang says:

    Douche is an awesome… noun, verb… whatever you like.

    As a proud user of Douche and Douchebag, I think this is great. Why do so many people have pointy things up their butt because of it?

    I think, er… douching may be in order.

  9. raisedbywolves says:

    Sillybapx: You crack me up!

  10. daniel de boom says:

    I saw some pretty funny sympathy cards at a website called Selfish Causes. Can’t imagine using them often, but I like the idea that they even exist.

  11. jbang says:

    …oh, and as a Gay man: I love my douche. It enables clean, fun, hours-and-hours long anal sex.


  12. Belac says:

    “Douche” is not like “cnt,” “btch,” or the like. It refers to an activity usually done by women, but not to the woman herself.

    And would -you- be insulted if you were likened to a bag full of the results of washing out a dirty vagina? I would.

    “Douchebag” is closer in insulting meaning to “pond scum” or “piece of crap” than it is to anything else.

  13. buddy66 says:


    No, I guess I’ve “douched out.” Takuan says, correctly, that language moves on; but I’ve never thought we should enlarge our social vocabularies by enculturating the hateful slang of bogotry and ignorance.

  14. kkills says:

    All I’m saying is at least try to think a teensy little bit before using words that could be hugely offensive to someone else in a way that you wouldn’t find offensive. Personally, I’m going to start thinking a little more before I call someone a scumbag, as it could easily be taken as being in the same category as calling someone an abortion, or telling them that they’re only here because the condom broke, etc. Not necessarily by me, but personally I like to at least try to think about how other people feel about stuff like this.

    Oh yeah, and I’m also saying that saying periods are disgusting / the contents of a douche are the same as a piece of shit / etc is a.bad.thing.

  15. zuzu says:

    Twenty years ago the term douche bag was DEFINITELY sexist as well as insulting.

    Just as “scumbag” has reversed itself on the euphemism treadmill.

  16. morlem says:

    Wow.. you need a card that both thanks and insults someone? That’s a pretty specific scenario. It’s no wonder Hallmark doesn’t carry them.

  17. mirrormonkey says:

    Xopher: I think you must be referring to an unpublished comment

  18. Jeff says:

    Buddy66, I agree with you. Slang, being what it is, is often about using a naughty word in place of a normal, nice one. It’s the kind of thing that Youth usually embrace. Counter culture at its most mundane.

  19. Jeff says:

    Ms Jardin, nothing I’ve read over the last year has given me the impression that you would go out of your way to insult someone. You just seem far too charming for that. And for as much as we’d like to speak our mind (or send a letter bomb), we are probably better off not doing so. But I did find the idea funny

  20. acx99 says:

    A fine card for all new proud grandmothers to send to their daughters!

  21. Xopher says:

    Yep, somebody stomped that roach.

  22. Xopher says:

    Takuan 26: I don’t like ‘retard’ either. But without it we would never have had ‘e-tard’ (that is, a person who has done too much ecstasy) or ‘fucktard’ (internet griefer), both of which delight me.

  23. mirrormonkey says:

    Xopher: person x does q quite clearly douchey thing to person y. later person x posts about a card to send to people thanking them for non being a douche. I would be remiss not to point out the humour in that situation. Though, I’d have to say it got about the response I imagined: faux outrage from random commenter[s], comment from ‘aggrieved’ party and swift comment removal. I was hoping for a tnh/m appearance but I knew that was unlikely.

  24. kkills says:


    Of course I’m not going to say that #39′s homophobic. That would be ridiculous. Nearly as ridiculous as saying that periods are disgusting. I’m fully aware that they’re not fun, but that doesn’t mean that they’re disgusting / make a woman unclean / whatever other disgusting slant you want to put on it.

    I also can’t see how your second point adds up. Firstly, douching is the action, not the vagina itself. Because of that, there’s a huge difference between reference to genitals (I personally don’t see the difference between calling someone a cck or a cnt) and reference to an act specifically about making women “clean” themselves in order to not be “dirty” for their men (as a Brit, I’m aware that douching is used medically in the US, but what do you expect from a nation that still practices routine circumcision).


    Why is it more insulting to be compared to what a woman has in her vagina (douche-bag) than to be compard to a woman’s vagina (cnt)? Surely using either of those terms means you think that vaginas are “disgusting”? And if you’ve ever seen a woman naked with the contents of her vagina in any way comparable to the contents of her ass, then this is a very ill lady.

  25. geo the moose says:

    maybe the verbiage ‘thanks for not being a douche’ might leave less to the imagination…

  26. mdhatter says:

    XO – I prefer cobag, for reasons buddy explained, but which I never would have found without d*bag.

    I love the euphemism treadmill. And whatever, it’s still a funny card.

  27. buddy66 says:


    ‘Try to contextualize “nggr” or “cnt.”‘

    Okay, I call and raise: Disemvowel “douche bag”.

  28. EtaWat says:

    Pls, nt nthr mm frm Xn…

  29. Xopher says:

    Please go back under your bridge. Don’t make me call the billy goats gruff.

  30. Xopher says:

    ‘Scumbag’, I’d like to point out, used to mean ‘condom’. I don’t see that semen is any more disgusting than what might be rinsed out of a vagina, even a perfectly clean one. In fact I rather like semen, so there!

    And therefore I don’t see ‘douchebag’ as any more misogynist than ‘scumbag’ is misandrist.

  31. mdhatter says:

    #6 – Jeff gets it (in real time!)

    I still don’t like the sexist connotations of using ‘douche’ as an insult, but so what. Funny card.

  32. mujadaddy says:

    #46 KKILLS: Of course I’m not going to say that #39′s homophobic. That would be ridiculous. Nearly as ridiculous as saying that periods are disgusting. I’m fully aware that they’re not fun, but that doesn’t mean that they’re disgusting / make a woman unclean / whatever other disgusting slant you want to put on it.

    A woman is beautiful. Her body cleanses itself quite naturally. However, this period, while natural and necessary for life, is distasteful in the sense (but not in the same degree) that pooping is distasteful. Is pooping, a perfectly normal & natural excretion of waste, disgusting?

    I posit that it is.

    BRAVO to #60, Doug Nelson, for calling out the absurdity of referring to douching as sexist.

  33. EtaWat says:

    Oh I see what you did there!

    My post at #9 was de-woveled, presumably to conform it to yet another meme…

  34. Pomegranate02 says:

    “A douche is a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons, or the stream of water itself. …” (

    Seriously, I read your post, and my first thought was that you were being sarcastic and very rude about someone’s personal hygiene. I do realise that this being a ‘douche’ is an American colloquialism for being rude/nasty etc, but I had to think about that – it wasn’t my initial response.

    Nice idea, but maybe you could think of another word if you’re going to send it to people outside of the States? The way it is now might have the opposite effect from what you’re trying to achieve, and I do like what you’re trying to do.

  35. mujadaddy says:

    The “out” is very important :P

    Xeni: I demand all posts from you be in Esperanto from now on :D

  36. mujadaddy says:

    Thnk y fr nt dchng t.

  37. Xeni Jardin says:

    you guys! you’re thinking way too hard here. cripes! Here in southern california, the phrase is popular within a certain social strata of boarders and surfers, and is funny just for having been said. I dunno. rule of the internet: do not over-dissect humor.

  38. mujadaddy says:

    Sorry for all the posts in a row, but I felt I had to interject into the “‘Douche’ is sexist” discussion.

    Just because someone of the female gender can do something that is supposed to be done for hygienic purposes doesn’t make referring to it sexist. It makes it filthy and inappropriate, but not sexist.

    Filthy vagina, sweaty balls, can’t we all just get along?

  39. rosie says:

    #43 posted by Rickmccl

    YESSS!! Someone mentioned Achewood! OT: I rather enjoy Xeni’s card, because I love calling people the DB word. Douches are totally unnecessary anyway, so I think it’s reclaiming the word to turn it around and use it to describe someone who is useless and unnecessary.

    Yes, Rickmccl, I also love Roast Beef’s cards. I haven’t seen my ex in about 4 years, but I’d love to send him the “Our Marriage Is Like A Dead Dog / The County Will Get Rid Of It.”

  40. zuzu says:

    I want to give these to friends who throw up excuses when there’s an event/party to go out to, and they have to be “convinced” not to stay home and play WoW or some shit instead.

  41. Anonymous says:

    come on people!

    people douche out on my plans all of the time. my best friends douche out all of the time. “douching out” is basically just another word for being “stood up”.

    i guess that people aren’t getting the context, so here’s an example.

    jason completely “douched out” on the party this sunday. He totally told me he was going to be there, but you know how he gets about going out on sundays.

    see, this isn’t an insult, just a friendly ribbing between friends.

    thanking someone for not “douching out” is a marvelous idea and thanks for sharing!

  42. Araucaria Araucana says:

    Hi Xeni,

    I sent you a slightly different message privately yesterday, but after thinking about it, here is a better Esperanto version:

    Dankon por ne agadi fiachule.

    (Phonetically: DAHNK-on por neh ah-GAH-dee fee-ahtch-OOL-eh)

    “Thank you for not acting like a filthy contemptible person.”

    Standard Esperanto would use a c with a carat over it to denote the ch sound, but that letter is not available in my available character sets.

  43. kkills says:


    I didn’t know that, so many thanks for expanding my vocabulary. And it’s cool that you don’t see the words as misogynist / misandrist, but the important overall point here is that it would be really easy for someone else to take them as offensive. And if it’s that easy for someone take them as offensive, then maybe you should think really seriously before you use them, just the same as you would before using cnt.

  44. RJ says:

    I could see this being sent to a celebrity after staying at a nice hotel and not causing problems. No broken furniture, no bodily fluids on the walls, no screaming fights or hostile treatment of the hotel staff? Send that person a card!

  45. Sethum says:

    sillybapx, that was the funniest comment I’ve read all week.

  46. buddy66 says:

    Twenty years ago the term douche bag was DEFINITELY sexist as well as insulting. I first heard it used as an insult a few years earlier, as the punch line of a sexist joke: “…and buy the old douche bag at the end of the bar another drink.” I’m surprised and saddened by the resurgence of sexist language among the more hip sectors of our society, and wonder if the term “enema bag” shouldn’t be preferable; after all, we do have assholes in common, not only personally but in Washington, D.C. And I realize it would take some vocabulary adjustment, which might be a problem for a few people whose word banks contain a mere 500 words and “awesome;” but maybe we should leave the sexist terms to fratspeak and mookspeak . . . from whence they came.

  47. kkills says:


    Surely if it’s an offensive term that specifically relates to one gender, it’s sexist? In this case it’s because the idea that douching is offensive (and note that the term used is “douching out”, not “douche-bag) is part of that whole “periods are disgusting”, “vaginas are icky” rubbish that the west gets from the worst end of biblical tradition.

    Generally, for anything that denigrates something that one gender / one ethnicity / one religion / one (insert relevant term here), you should probably have a good think about whether it’s sexist / racist / etc.

  48. buddy66 says:

    @#13 Xeni,

    I should have added surfspeak. I used to have to chase those witless little bastards off my front lawn.

  49. booticon says:

    Wow, you guys are being real douches.

  50. zuzu says:

    shit, piss, cnt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and… douche?

  51. imajication says:

    #12 – Would “Thank you for not being a douche bag” be preferrable? I think our friends across the border could figure that one out. Any colloquialism runs the risk of not translating well to other cultures.

  52. “Thank you for not being a wanker”
  53. “Thank you for not being a mallacka”
  • buddy66 says:

    I’ve got an idea for a card:

    “Thank You For Not Being An Asshole.”

    There . . . a non-sexist, pan-gender note with a swagger to it. And the flower would be, of course, a Brown-Eyed Susan.

  • Xeni Jardin says:

    @#12 Pomegranate02, non-issue, most of the people who douche out on me are American. I’m gonna do an Esperanto one to take care of those guys soon enough, and maybe “gracias por no ser una puta” for my hispanohablante buddies. We are the world!

  • william says:

    @#1: We should always thank people for doing something they should be doing in the first place. But for a lot of people doing myriad small good deeds, the world would be a shitty old place. Why not appreciate each step forward for the good thing it is?

  • mdhatter says:

    Oh gawdz, I agree with Buddy66. I’ll get off your lawn now.

  • mujadaddy says:


    No, it’s not sexist.

    Periods are disgusting (not as disgusting as a worm crawling out of a cricket,though). That not-so-fresh-feeling isn’t just marketing. Sometimes, some women douche. SHOCKING.

    Calling someone a “douche” is a reference to a specifically-filthy vagina. Calling someone a “load of bollocks” etc. is a reference to testicles.

    Only the paranoid hyper-politically-correct crowd would extend that to the rest of the body and THEN extend that to a whole person.

    Are you going to be crying that #39 is being homophobic?

  • Chevan says:

    I think it’s a fun card, and Xeni clearly didn’t mean to be insulting with the wordchoice.

    At the end of the day, some of the most insulting words are otherwise innocent ones spoken with obvious contempt; I don’t set too much stock by words being insulting on their own.

  • buddy66 says:

    @#15 posted by Anonymous

    “i guess that people aren’t getting the context….”

    Some words and terms don’t context well. I’m arguing that “douche bag” and its functional variations is one of them. Try to contextualize “nggr” or “cnt.” Just try it. Unless you’re an African American or a Brit, you better leave those words alone. To persist in using the D-B word is to be sexist and base, whether you realize it or not.

  • Xeni Jardin says:

    dude… guys… seriously… [sigh].

  • thrsdy says:

    gv -1 TYFND crds t BngBng fr “Tht Vlt Bl Thng”.

  • Takuan says:

    language moves on. I’ve pretty well given up on discouraging thoughtless use of “retard”. DB is robbed of original meaning and older connotation, just another noise now. No biggie. I’ll just belt the next young little bastard that walks by extra hard with my cane.

  • mdhatter says:

    Buddy, you’re not getting a card from Xeni. ;)

  • Xopher says:

    Too bad no one can send one to MirrorMonkey. Why don’t you crawl back into the woodwork, roach?

  • RJ says:

    …I thought it was funny. :\

  • Antinous says:


    Gay men refer to enemas as douching. Enjoy your lunch.

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