Thank you for not douching out.

Thank You For Not Douching Out

I was thinking aloud on Twitter earlier today that the world needs -- ok, ok, *I* needed a new and specific thankyou card, not so much to thank someone for doing something nice, but to thank someone for having not done something not nice when being a jerk would have been an easy option. THANK YOU FOR NOT DOUCHING OUT, the card would read, and I imagined it in a maudlin font with a fat-ass flower right in the middle.

JimB. aka Brons on Twitter, heard the call and came to the P-shop rescue. JimB: a non-ironic thank you, sir. BB audience, feel free to use this as appropriate in your own lives.


  1. I think that it’s a pity we have to start thanking people for doing something they should be doing in the first place. I wonder if the recipient of such a card would be more pleased or pissed?

  2. Wow.. you need a card that both thanks and insults someone? That’s a pretty specific scenario. It’s no wonder Hallmark doesn’t carry them.

  3. Ms Jardin, nothing I’ve read over the last year has given me the impression that you would go out of your way to insult someone. You just seem far too charming for that. And for as much as we’d like to speak our mind (or send a letter bomb), we are probably better off not doing so. But I did find the idea funny

  4. maybe the verbiage ‘thanks for not being a douche’ might leave less to the imagination…

  5. #6 – Jeff gets it (in real time!)

    I still don’t like the sexist connotations of using ‘douche’ as an insult, but so what. Funny card.

  6. Oh I see what you did there!

    My post at #9 was de-woveled, presumably to conform it to yet another meme…

  7. “A douche is a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons, or the stream of water itself. …” (

    Seriously, I read your post, and my first thought was that you were being sarcastic and very rude about someone’s personal hygiene. I do realise that this being a ‘douche’ is an American colloquialism for being rude/nasty etc, but I had to think about that – it wasn’t my initial response.

    Nice idea, but maybe you could think of another word if you’re going to send it to people outside of the States? The way it is now might have the opposite effect from what you’re trying to achieve, and I do like what you’re trying to do.

  8. you guys! you’re thinking way too hard here. cripes! Here in southern california, the phrase is popular within a certain social strata of boarders and surfers, and is funny just for having been said. I dunno. rule of the internet: do not over-dissect humor.

  9. I want to give these to friends who throw up excuses when there’s an event/party to go out to, and they have to be “convinced” not to stay home and play WoW or some shit instead.

  10. come on people!

    people douche out on my plans all of the time. my best friends douche out all of the time. “douching out” is basically just another word for being “stood up”.

    i guess that people aren’t getting the context, so here’s an example.

    jason completely “douched out” on the party this sunday. He totally told me he was going to be there, but you know how he gets about going out on sundays.

    see, this isn’t an insult, just a friendly ribbing between friends.

    thanking someone for not “douching out” is a marvelous idea and thanks for sharing!

  11. I could see this being sent to a celebrity after staying at a nice hotel and not causing problems. No broken furniture, no bodily fluids on the walls, no screaming fights or hostile treatment of the hotel staff? Send that person a card!

  12. Twenty years ago the term douche bag was DEFINITELY sexist as well as insulting. I first heard it used as an insult a few years earlier, as the punch line of a sexist joke: “…and buy the old douche bag at the end of the bar another drink.” I’m surprised and saddened by the resurgence of sexist language among the more hip sectors of our society, and wonder if the term “enema bag” shouldn’t be preferable; after all, we do have assholes in common, not only personally but in Washington, D.C. And I realize it would take some vocabulary adjustment, which might be a problem for a few people whose word banks contain a mere 500 words and “awesome;” but maybe we should leave the sexist terms to fratspeak and mookspeak . . . from whence they came.

  13. @#13 Xeni,

    I should have added surfspeak. I used to have to chase those witless little bastards off my front lawn.

  14. #12 – Would “Thank you for not being a douche bag” be preferrable? I think our friends across the border could figure that one out. Any colloquialism runs the risk of not translating well to other cultures.

  15. “Thank you for not being a wanker”
  16. “Thank you for not being a mallacka”
  17. @#12 Pomegranate02, non-issue, most of the people who douche out on me are American. I’m gonna do an Esperanto one to take care of those guys soon enough, and maybe “gracias por no ser una puta” for my hispanohablante buddies. We are the world!

  18. @#1: We should always thank people for doing something they should be doing in the first place. But for a lot of people doing myriad small good deeds, the world would be a shitty old place. Why not appreciate each step forward for the good thing it is?

  19. @#15 posted by Anonymous

    “i guess that people aren’t getting the context….”

    Some words and terms don’t context well. I’m arguing that “douche bag” and its functional variations is one of them. Try to contextualize “nggr” or “cnt.” Just try it. Unless you’re an African American or a Brit, you better leave those words alone. To persist in using the D-B word is to be sexist and base, whether you realize it or not.

  20. language moves on. I’ve pretty well given up on discouraging thoughtless use of “retard”. DB is robbed of original meaning and older connotation, just another noise now. No biggie. I’ll just belt the next young little bastard that walks by extra hard with my cane.


    No, I guess I’ve “douched out.” Takuan says, correctly, that language moves on; but I’ve never thought we should enlarge our social vocabularies by enculturating the hateful slang of bogotry and ignorance.

  22. Buddy66, I agree with you. Slang, being what it is, is often about using a naughty word in place of a normal, nice one. It’s the kind of thing that Youth usually embrace. Counter culture at its most mundane.

  23. Takuan 26: I don’t like ‘retard’ either. But without it we would never have had ‘e-tard’ (that is, a person who has done too much ecstasy) or ‘fucktard’ (internet griefer), both of which delight me.

  24. XO – I prefer cobag, for reasons buddy explained, but which I never would have found without d*bag.

    I love the euphemism treadmill. And whatever, it’s still a funny card.

  25. TWIMC.

    ‘Try to contextualize “nggr” or “cnt.”‘

    Okay, I call and raise: Disemvowel “douche bag”.

  26. The “out” is very important :P

    Xeni: I demand all posts from you be in Esperanto from now on :D

  27. Sorry for all the posts in a row, but I felt I had to interject into the “‘Douche’ is sexist” discussion.

    Just because someone of the female gender can do something that is supposed to be done for hygienic purposes doesn’t make referring to it sexist. It makes it filthy and inappropriate, but not sexist.

    Filthy vagina, sweaty balls, can’t we all just get along?

  28. @Mujadaddy.

    Surely if it’s an offensive term that specifically relates to one gender, it’s sexist? In this case it’s because the idea that douching is offensive (and note that the term used is “douching out”, not “douche-bag) is part of that whole “periods are disgusting”, “vaginas are icky” rubbish that the west gets from the worst end of biblical tradition.

    Generally, for anything that denigrates something that one gender / one ethnicity / one religion / one (insert relevant term here), you should probably have a good think about whether it’s sexist / racist / etc.

  29. I’ve got an idea for a card:

    “Thank You For Not Being An Asshole.”

    There . . . a non-sexist, pan-gender note with a swagger to it. And the flower would be, of course, a Brown-Eyed Susan.

  30. KKILLS:

    No, it’s not sexist.

    Periods are disgusting (not as disgusting as a worm crawling out of a cricket,though). That not-so-fresh-feeling isn’t just marketing. Sometimes, some women douche. SHOCKING.

    Calling someone a “douche” is a reference to a specifically-filthy vagina. Calling someone a “load of bollocks” etc. is a reference to testicles.

    Only the paranoid hyper-politically-correct crowd would extend that to the rest of the body and THEN extend that to a whole person.

    Are you going to be crying that #39 is being homophobic?

  31. That doesn’t bother me. The idea of watching a cricket suffer does, though.

    I’m hardly a Buddhist — Killing is sometimes right & proper — but I don’t like to see things suffer.

  32. You gotta love language and insults. “S.O.B.” is a more polite way of saying “son of a bitch”, which is, of course a euphemistic way of calling someone a “dog” or a “cur”, which is of course the far ruder insult, or was once if you are European and still is if you are from the Middle East.

    Gotta love it.

    At least Xeni says it with flowers.

  33. “Douche” is not like “cnt,” “btch,” or the like. It refers to an activity usually done by women, but not to the woman herself.

    And would -you- be insulted if you were likened to a bag full of the results of washing out a dirty vagina? I would.

    “Douchebag” is closer in insulting meaning to “pond scum” or “piece of crap” than it is to anything else.

  34. @Mujadaddy

    Of course I’m not going to say that #39’s homophobic. That would be ridiculous. Nearly as ridiculous as saying that periods are disgusting. I’m fully aware that they’re not fun, but that doesn’t mean that they’re disgusting / make a woman unclean / whatever other disgusting slant you want to put on it.

    I also can’t see how your second point adds up. Firstly, douching is the action, not the vagina itself. Because of that, there’s a huge difference between reference to genitals (I personally don’t see the difference between calling someone a cck or a cnt) and reference to an act specifically about making women “clean” themselves in order to not be “dirty” for their men (as a Brit, I’m aware that douching is used medically in the US, but what do you expect from a nation that still practices routine circumcision).


    Why is it more insulting to be compared to what a woman has in her vagina (douche-bag) than to be compard to a woman’s vagina (cnt)? Surely using either of those terms means you think that vaginas are “disgusting”? And if you’ve ever seen a woman naked with the contents of her vagina in any way comparable to the contents of her ass, then this is a very ill lady.

  35. ‘Scumbag’, I’d like to point out, used to mean ‘condom’. I don’t see that semen is any more disgusting than what might be rinsed out of a vagina, even a perfectly clean one. In fact I rather like semen, so there!

    And therefore I don’t see ‘douchebag’ as any more misogynist than ‘scumbag’ is misandrist.

  36. @Xopher

    I didn’t know that, so many thanks for expanding my vocabulary. And it’s cool that you don’t see the words as misogynist / misandrist, but the important overall point here is that it would be really easy for someone else to take them as offensive. And if it’s that easy for someone take them as offensive, then maybe you should think really seriously before you use them, just the same as you would before using cnt.

  37. Too bad no one can send one to MirrorMonkey. Why don’t you crawl back into the woodwork, roach?

  38. Douche is an awesome… noun, verb… whatever you like.

    As a proud user of Douche and Douchebag, I think this is great. Why do so many people have pointy things up their butt because of it?

    I think, er… douching may be in order.

  39. I saw some pretty funny sympathy cards at a website called Selfish Causes. Can’t imagine using them often, but I like the idea that they even exist.

  40. …oh, and as a Gay man: I love my douche. It enables clean, fun, hours-and-hours long anal sex.


  41. Xopher: person x does q quite clearly douchey thing to person y. later person x posts about a card to send to people thanking them for non being a douche. I would be remiss not to point out the humour in that situation. Though, I’d have to say it got about the response I imagined: faux outrage from random commenter[s], comment from ‘aggrieved’ party and swift comment removal. I was hoping for a tnh/m appearance but I knew that was unlikely.

  42. #43 posted by Rickmccl

    YESSS!! Someone mentioned Achewood! OT: I rather enjoy Xeni’s card, because I love calling people the DB word. Douches are totally unnecessary anyway, so I think it’s reclaiming the word to turn it around and use it to describe someone who is useless and unnecessary.

    Yes, Rickmccl, I also love Roast Beef’s cards. I haven’t seen my ex in about 4 years, but I’d love to send him the “Our Marriage Is Like A Dead Dog / The County Will Get Rid Of It.”

  43. I think it’s a fun card, and Xeni clearly didn’t mean to be insulting with the wordchoice.

    At the end of the day, some of the most insulting words are otherwise innocent ones spoken with obvious contempt; I don’t set too much stock by words being insulting on their own.

  44. All I’m saying is at least try to think a teensy little bit before using words that could be hugely offensive to someone else in a way that you wouldn’t find offensive. Personally, I’m going to start thinking a little more before I call someone a scumbag, as it could easily be taken as being in the same category as calling someone an abortion, or telling them that they’re only here because the condom broke, etc. Not necessarily by me, but personally I like to at least try to think about how other people feel about stuff like this.

    Oh yeah, and I’m also saying that saying periods are disgusting / the contents of a douche are the same as a piece of shit / etc is a.bad.thing.

  45. #46 KKILLS: Of course I’m not going to say that #39’s homophobic. That would be ridiculous. Nearly as ridiculous as saying that periods are disgusting. I’m fully aware that they’re not fun, but that doesn’t mean that they’re disgusting / make a woman unclean / whatever other disgusting slant you want to put on it.

    A woman is beautiful. Her body cleanses itself quite naturally. However, this period, while natural and necessary for life, is distasteful in the sense (but not in the same degree) that pooping is distasteful. Is pooping, a perfectly normal & natural excretion of waste, disgusting?

    I posit that it is.

    BRAVO to #60, Doug Nelson, for calling out the absurdity of referring to douching as sexist.

  46. Hi Xeni,

    I sent you a slightly different message privately yesterday, but after thinking about it, here is a better Esperanto version:

    Dankon por ne agadi fiachule.

    (Phonetically: DAHNK-on por neh ah-GAH-dee fee-ahtch-OOL-eh)

    “Thank you for not acting like a filthy contemptible person.”

    Standard Esperanto would use a c with a carat over it to denote the ch sound, but that letter is not available in my available character sets.

Comments are closed.