Device clamps on face to preserve goatee

The GoateeSaver protects your beard as you shave.
200808071656.jpgYou just chomp on this bit and then you can shave around it for perfect results every time. And you adjust three rollers's width, flawlessly conforming to your face, and also to your notion of what a real goatee looks like.

As soon as someone comes up with a PonytailSaver and SideburnSaver, the Blackwater/DEA hipster will have all his grooming accessory needs filled.

GoateeSaver (LikeCool)


  1. I really don’t find maintaining a goatee to be sufficiently difficult to require a specialized device like this. However, if someone made one of these sorts of things for a mohawk, I’d probably buy one.

    It’s really hard doing precision shaving of the back of your head.

  2. Frankly, pointy elf ears look better.

    Dammit, you goatee wearers will never get real jobs! Never!

  3. #10, and its sister cut the Disheveled Shemp.

    Frankly, I do have trouble (or rather, did, as no one I know – except my mother who’s on massive hormone treatments and lives in a trailer – rocks the goatee anymore), getting mine trimmed properly. I’m good for about three weeks then it all goes to hell.

  4. Goatees are pretty much the domain of Blackwater/DEA Hipsters

    Oh for the love of Pete. Would you please look up what a hipster is. A DEA hipster is an oxymoron (hipsters are almost entirely liberal).

    Maybe somewhere there is one DEA agent that is hipster who shops at thrift stores, rides a fixie to work, votes green/democrat, listens to indie music and weighs 125 lbs. Maybe. It just isn’t bloody likely.

    That guy shown in the Blackwater shirt the other day was so far from a hipster it wasn’t funny.

  5. Oh for the love of Pete. Would you please look up what a hipster is.

    I know what a hipster was in the 50s (when the term was coined), but today it seems to describe what we then called ”petit bourgeois assholes.” Does that sound right?

    — Pete

  6. #21 and #23: Click on the link in the post. It will take you to a picture of a DEA person, complete with overly large hip-strapped-pistol, sporting some majorly hipsterish chin fuzz.

  7. I don’t know from ”hepster.” Only squares said ”hep.” The guy in the Blackwater T-shirt looked like a fucking hood.

  8. @buddy66

    Yeah, petite bourgeoisie meaning middle class is probably on the mark.

    Asshole is a bit strong. I mean. What have they ever done to you? Generally I find little hipster boys to be pretty inoffensive. Though I’ve known a few that I’d totally label as assholes.

  9. @Sardenta

    Modern hipsters (i.e. from the 90’s on) do not have pony tails or goatees. That would be way too aggressive. The whole look is super thin vintage vegan organic. It doesn’t exactly mesh well with gun toting agro.

    Old hipsters (the term from the 40’s that died out in the 50’s along with much of the appreciation of jazz) might have, but things change. I generally don’t think about Al Capone when someone says gangster either.

  10. @ #s 9 & 19: This is a circle beard, and not a van dyke.

    As pointed out, a goatee is just chin whiskers. However, a van dyke (look carefully at the link provided by #19) is a separate moustache and goatee–the two are not connected as they are here.

    A circle beard is also often called “the Concealer,” as it is frequently used to hide a nascent double chin.

  11. i’m not sure hipster(tosswit, asswipe, et al)is the correct term. anybody been in williamsburg(brooklyn) lately? i’m not even sure they sell razors there. or for that matter laundry detergent.

  12. I said that’s what we called them THEN. I don’t call today’s hipsters anything because I don’t talk the talk today. I don’t even say ”awesome” — except maybe during a meteor shower or the aurora borealis.

  13. This clears up something that I’ve been wondering about. How do mullets happen? There must be some corollary article for the back of the head so the delicate flowing tresses can be shielded from the clipper used to maintain the military crispness of the top and sides.

  14. BTW, I have the vibrating five bladed razor shown in the photo. Best razor ever. If the house burns I’m running back in for that. The dog can fend for himself.

    1. Because I really want to look like Ben Affleck from ten years ago.

      So that you can fuck Jimmy Kimmel?

  15. Marketing a similar device for mohawks would be impractical, as the curves depend on the shape of your skull, plus there’s the thickness issue (a matter of taste and style). It’s easy and fun to build your own mohawk jig though. First, you need to get a friend to shave your head for the mohawk you want. Then use your hairglue of choice to get it ready. Take a big piece of cardboard, and cut it to a roughly head shaped profile. Then. fit it against your head and have your friend mark where it needs to be trimmed for a perfect fit. Trim it, verify fit, then cut a matching piece of cardboard. Fit the two in place and secure with binder clips. Now you have a tall hawk drying jig.

    To modify it to shaving use, cut strips of cardboard to go along the edge of it to match where you want shaving to stop. Secure them with JB weld. Let it dry, Then decorate according to your proclivities; add gears, syringes, bottlecaps, etc. and mark the front. You now have a hawk cutting and setting jig that will allow you to easily go to multi-foot heights, with a minimum of primping and “oh god I can’t get up lest my hawk fall over” worries.

  16. This is a jig. I asked my wife, an expert fixtures designer. The options were Jig, Tool and Fixture. There is no fixture in the photo. The razor is a tool. The dude, we don’t know the name for yet, though ‘Animated Swarf’ sounds about right.

  17. There’s no shortage of such equipment. Coincidentally, I just saw this invention the other day.

    Perfect Sideburns:

  18. As handy as this looks to be, I could never use it. For fear that once I put it on, I would never take it off. And it wouldn’t fit under my helmet, dammit.
    For when you feel like telling the world “You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.”

  19. This style of facial hair pictured above is not a Vandyke; a Vandyke consists of a mustache and Goatee and derives from the 17th century Flemish painter Anthony van Dyck. The style above, indeed often equated with hyper-masculinity (generically and incorrectly called a Goatee), is a style that was worn by the man on board a ship who would act as a prostitute. The hairline completely surrounding the mouth was meant to simulate a woman’s vagina, providing oral sex for crew on long travel at sea.

  20. Estenwise @ #50:

    The hairline completely surrounding the mouth was meant to simulate a woman’s vagina, providing oral sex for crew on long travel at sea.

    Presumably a male crew.

    Is there a style of facial hair meant to stimulate a woman’s vagina? You know, for a female crew on long travel at sea.

  21. Without making a derogatory pun–the Vandyke (the 17th century Flemish Vandyke style) might actually suit that purpose well.

  22. ROSSINDETROIT inadvertently got it. the model would be a tool and he’s wearing a jig.

  23. This just reminds of those guys in halflife 2 with the crazy mouthpieces on their masks, which makes me want to get one all the more.

  24. Rossindetroit Re:mullets I think the mullet idea is “business at the front-Party at the back!”
    It seem to be disparaging term used by those who “are” “hip” to describe those who are more/are not as hip as the disparager.
    Anyways I,m off to my organic allotment on my fixed wheel bike to tend my salvia plants whilst listening to the new diplo ballie funk silly trainers you will never see in the shops.with a smug sneer upon my fizzog. huh. hipster losers!

  25. Jss, y rlly wnt t chmp n sm plstc crp tht mks y lk lk vn mr f n dt thn y d lrdy wth tht stpd Pddn’ Rng? shv yr whl fc, y lk lk n p.

  26. Save time and just wear the clamp for that Imperial look.

    Darth Vader’s dark secret–he can’t grow a beard.

  27. Let’s see my options are hanging out with…

    people who wear interesting clothes, have funny haircuts and know about arthouse movies, obscure records, japanese toys and running their ipods off ubuntu…


    polo shirt wearing, middle management guys who talk about their boats and their golf games and have the “goatee” from the picture above.

    hmmm… I’ll take the hipsters.

  28. Dear Mr. Estenwise,

    Thank you so much for your contribution to the Members’ Forum of Rum, Sodomy & The Lash: The Journal of Gay Pirating. Nothing stimulates our readers as much as hearing about the personal experiences of other swashbucklers.


  29. All this talk about facial hair makes me want to grow more than just my “chops”… erm regular sideburns

  30. TAKUAN~ please, I need to know…

    What is the “Imperial Divot”?

    Google offered no help on this one.

  31. Is it April First or something? What’s with the inane products? Solar table? Goatee thingy? Sheesh, where’s my SHarper Image catalog?

  32. sorry, I thought the image following made that clear; it’s Zappa’s dignified little tuft. Did ya know Frank’s mustache is copyrighted?

  33. Yes,Tak, And a very sad state of affairs it is,
    Gail Zappa seeming gone off the deep end with this one-Zappa’s widow sues festival over use of his image-
    But off topic but ,hey, Takun started it!

  34. I apologize for using a slash as the phrase “and/or” earlier.

    It’s funny that the “goatee” actually makes one look like a douche and also stimulates vaginas as well as manginas.

    Perhaps since it’s neither a goatee nor a Van Dyke we can simply call it that: mangina.

  35. This item is ridiculous. I’ve had a Van Dyke for like 12 years and it’s very easy to shave the rest of my face, even after a week of not shaving.

    What you do need though, is a mirror that’s flat. I have a shower mirror that is wonky, and when I forget to follow my face and instead follow the mirror, it comes out longer on one side. Damn!

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