Device clamps on face to preserve goatee


71 Responses to “Device clamps on face to preserve goatee”

  1. Sardenta says:

    #21 and #23: Click on the link in the post. It will take you to a picture of a DEA person, complete with overly large hip-strapped-pistol, sporting some majorly hipsterish chin fuzz.

  2. darthdelicious says:

    I’ll take 10!

  3. buddy66 says:

    I don’t know from ”hepster.” Only squares said ”hep.” The guy in the Blackwater T-shirt looked like a fucking hood.

  4. Sister Y says:

    Oh you guys. You act like you haven’t heard of hoser chic.

  5. Aloisius says:


    Yeah, petite bourgeoisie meaning middle class is probably on the mark.

    Asshole is a bit strong. I mean. What have they ever done to you? Generally I find little hipster boys to be pretty inoffensive. Though I’ve known a few that I’d totally label as assholes.

  6. Aloisius says:


    Modern hipsters (i.e. from the 90′s on) do not have pony tails or goatees. That would be way too aggressive. The whole look is super thin vintage vegan organic. It doesn’t exactly mesh well with gun toting agro.

    Old hipsters (the term from the 40′s that died out in the 50′s along with much of the appreciation of jazz) might have, but things change. I generally don’t think about Al Capone when someone says gangster either.

  7. frankiefourfingers says:

    doesn’t help if your face is already crooked

  8. mobial says:

    This item is ridiculous. I’ve had a Van Dyke for like 12 years and it’s very easy to shave the rest of my face, even after a week of not shaving.

    What you do need though, is a mirror that’s flat. I have a shower mirror that is wonky, and when I forget to follow my face and instead follow the mirror, it comes out longer on one side. Damn!

  9. Nephilim says:

    Count Dante, is that you?

  10. shrocket says:

    @ #s 9 & 19: This is a circle beard, and not a van dyke.

    As pointed out, a goatee is just chin whiskers. However, a van dyke (look carefully at the link provided by #19) is a separate moustache and goatee–the two are not connected as they are here.

    A circle beard is also often called “the Concealer,” as it is frequently used to hide a nascent double chin.

  11. sonny p fontaine says:

    i’m not sure hipster(tosswit, asswipe, et al)is the correct term. anybody been in williamsburg(brooklyn) lately? i’m not even sure they sell razors there. or for that matter laundry detergent.

  12. buddy66 says:

    I said that’s what we called them THEN. I don’t call today’s hipsters anything because I don’t talk the talk today. I don’t even say ”awesome” — except maybe during a meteor shower or the aurora borealis.

  13. Lobster says:

    #3: I have a Brazilian model I’ll sell you for $100.


    This clears up something that I’ve been wondering about. How do mullets happen? There must be some corollary article for the back of the head so the delicate flowing tresses can be shielded from the clipper used to maintain the military crispness of the top and sides.


    BTW, I have the vibrating five bladed razor shown in the photo. Best razor ever. If the house burns I’m running back in for that. The dog can fend for himself.

  16. Mark Frauenfelder says:


    I was joking about him being a hipster. C’mon!

  17. glenmcfarlane says:

    Is it just me or does this thing look like part of Princess Leia’s Boussh disguise?

  18. Brett Burton says:

    Let’s see my options are hanging out with…

    people who wear interesting clothes, have funny haircuts and know about arthouse movies, obscure records, japanese toys and running their ipods off ubuntu…


    polo shirt wearing, middle management guys who talk about their boats and their golf games and have the “goatee” from the picture above.

    hmmm… I’ll take the hipsters.

  19. LogrusZed says:

    Because I really want to look like Ben Affleck from ten years ago.

  20. Stitch says:

    Marketing a similar device for mohawks would be impractical, as the curves depend on the shape of your skull, plus there’s the thickness issue (a matter of taste and style). It’s easy and fun to build your own mohawk jig though. First, you need to get a friend to shave your head for the mohawk you want. Then use your hairglue of choice to get it ready. Take a big piece of cardboard, and cut it to a roughly head shaped profile. Then. fit it against your head and have your friend mark where it needs to be trimmed for a perfect fit. Trim it, verify fit, then cut a matching piece of cardboard. Fit the two in place and secure with binder clips. Now you have a tall hawk drying jig.

    To modify it to shaving use, cut strips of cardboard to go along the edge of it to match where you want shaving to stop. Secure them with JB weld. Let it dry, Then decorate according to your proclivities; add gears, syringes, bottlecaps, etc. and mark the front. You now have a hawk cutting and setting jig that will allow you to easily go to multi-foot heights, with a minimum of primping and “oh god I can’t get up lest my hawk fall over” worries.


    This is a jig. I asked my wife, an expert fixtures designer. The options were Jig, Tool and Fixture. There is no fixture in the photo. The razor is a tool. The dude, we don’t know the name for yet, though ‘Animated Swarf’ sounds about right.

  22. pjcamp says:

    Goatees are for people who can’t commit to stop shaving.

  23. mc says:

    Because it can never be too easy to look like a douche.

  24. Takuan says:

    odd…I have this intense urge to hurl bottles at the model while yelling “REVVEEEEEN!”

  25. Antinous says:

    Dear Mr. Estenwise,

    Thank you so much for your contribution to the Members’ Forum of Rum, Sodomy & The Lash: The Journal of Gay Pirating. Nothing stimulates our readers as much as hearing about the personal experiences of other swashbucklers.


  26. cycle23 says:

    I apologize for using a slash as the phrase “and/or” earlier.

    It’s funny that the “goatee” actually makes one look like a douche and also stimulates vaginas as well as manginas.

    Perhaps since it’s neither a goatee nor a Van Dyke we can simply call it that: mangina.

  27. Maurik says:

    All this talk about facial hair makes me want to grow more than just my “chops”… erm regular sideburns

  28. foofoodoodoo says:

    TAKUAN~ please, I need to know…

    What is the “Imperial Divot”?

    Google offered no help on this one.

  29. Discovery says:

    There’s no shortage of such equipment. Coincidentally, I just saw this invention the other day.

    Perfect Sideburns:

  30. cycle23 says:

    Goatees are pretty much the domain of Blackwater/DEA Hipsters

  31. gwax says:

    I really don’t find maintaining a goatee to be sufficiently difficult to require a specialized device like this. However, if someone made one of these sorts of things for a mohawk, I’d probably buy one.

    It’s really hard doing precision shaving of the back of your head.

  32. eustace says:

    As handy as this looks to be, I could never use it. For fear that once I put it on, I would never take it off. And it wouldn’t fit under my helmet, dammit.
    For when you feel like telling the world “You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.”

  33. Takuan says:

    very well,I’ll do it: (cowards) is there a Brazilian model?

  34. tomic says:

    Is it April First or something? What’s with the inane products? Solar table? Goatee thingy? Sheesh, where’s my SHarper Image catalog?

  35. Tommy says:

    Frankly, pointy elf ears look better.

    Dammit, you goatee wearers will never get real jobs! Never!

  36. mongo says:

    Or… you could just use an electric razor.

  37. Antinous says:

    very well,I’ll do it: (cowards) is there a Brazilian model?


  38. estenwise says:

    This style of facial hair pictured above is not a Vandyke; a Vandyke consists of a mustache and Goatee and derives from the 17th century Flemish painter Anthony van Dyck. The style above, indeed often equated with hyper-masculinity (generically and incorrectly called a Goatee), is a style that was worn by the man on board a ship who would act as a prostitute. The hairline completely surrounding the mouth was meant to simulate a woman’s vagina, providing oral sex for crew on long travel at sea.

  39. Takuan says:

    sorry, I thought the image following made that clear; it’s Zappa’s dignified little tuft. Did ya know Frank’s mustache is copyrighted?

  40. SomeGuyinATL says:

    Is this for blind people?

  41. Little John says:

    Estenwise @ #50:

    The hairline completely surrounding the mouth was meant to simulate a woman’s vagina, providing oral sex for crew on long travel at sea.

    Presumably a male crew.

    Is there a style of facial hair meant to stimulate a woman’s vagina? You know, for a female crew on long travel at sea.

  42. joe blough says:

    oh god… i thought it said “goatse saver” at first.

  43. hassan-i-sabbah says:

    Yes,Tak, And a very sad state of affairs it is,
    Gail Zappa seeming gone off the deep end with this one-Zappa’s widow sues festival over use of his image-
    But off topic but ,hey, Takun started it!

  44. Gregory Bloom says:

    Technically, I believe that style is a Van Dyke, as it includes a mustache. A goatee is just the chin whiskers, like those on a goat.

  45. censor says:

    There’s a device like the GoateeSaver for Sideburns, “Perfect Sideburns”:

  46. estenwise says:

    Without making a derogatory pun–the Vandyke (the 17th century Flemish Vandyke style) might actually suit that purpose well.

  47. SeamusAndrewMurphy says:

    Look, let’s just cut to the chase and bring back the Mo Howard haircut already.

  48. alisong76 says:

    9 – Really? I’ve learned something today! Thankyou ;-)

  49. Anonymous says:

    Does Hannibal sponsor this?
    Hello Shick Quatro!

  50. Takuan says:

    not to be confused with the Imperial Divot

  51. buddy66 says:

    #8 meet #9

  52. sonny p fontaine says:

    ROSSINDETROIT inadvertently got it. the model would be a tool and he’s wearing a jig.

  53. minamisan says:

    Takuan, i thought the objective of a Brazilian was to not leave any hair at all.

  54. O_P says:

    This just reminds of those guys in halflife 2 with the crazy mouthpieces on their masks, which makes me want to get one all the more.

  55. Takuan says:

    what is the sound of one razor snapping?

  56. Falcon_Seven says:

    Let’s see, add a rubber strap and a leather hood with zippers over the eye-holes…

  57. hassan-i-sabbah says:

    Rossindetroit Re:mullets I think the mullet idea is “business at the front-Party at the back!”
    It seem to be disparaging term used by those who “are” “hip” to describe those who are more/are not as hip as the disparager.
    Anyways I,m off to my organic allotment on my fixed wheel bike to tend my salvia plants whilst listening to the new diplo ballie funk silly trainers you will never see in the shops.with a smug sneer upon my fizzog. huh. hipster losers!

  58. Jackasimov says:

    #10, and its sister cut the Disheveled Shemp.

    Frankly, I do have trouble (or rather, did, as no one I know – except my mother who’s on massive hormone treatments and lives in a trailer – rocks the goatee anymore), getting mine trimmed properly. I’m good for about three weeks then it all goes to hell.

  59. bl8ant says:

    Jss, y rlly wnt t chmp n sm plstc crp tht mks y lk lk vn mr f n dt thn y d lrdy wth tht stpd Pddn’ Rng? shv yr whl fc, y lk lk n p.

  60. nearestexit says:

    Yes, it’s technically a Van Dyke. Here’s a pretty funy link to help you remember the difference between the two:

  61. buddy66 says:

    I maybe could have used this back in my heavy boozing days.

  62. Aloisius says:

    Goatees are pretty much the domain of Blackwater/DEA Hipsters

    Oh for the love of Pete. Would you please look up what a hipster is. A DEA hipster is an oxymoron (hipsters are almost entirely liberal).

    Maybe somewhere there is one DEA agent that is hipster who shops at thrift stores, rides a fixie to work, votes green/democrat, listens to indie music and weighs 125 lbs. Maybe. It just isn’t bloody likely.

    That guy shown in the Blackwater shirt the other day was so far from a hipster it wasn’t funny.

  63. timbearcub says:

    oh great, now you too can look like Hannibal Lecter!

  64. monstrinho_do_biscoito says:


  65. Anonymous says:

    Save time and just wear the clamp for that Imperial look.

    Darth Vader’s dark secret–he can’t grow a beard.

  66. buddy66 says:

    Oh for the love of Pete. Would you please look up what a hipster is.

    I know what a hipster was in the 50s (when the term was coined), but today it seems to describe what we then called ”petit bourgeois assholes.” Does that sound right?

    — Pete

  67. Ugly Canuck says:

    Hey 66 maybe he’s a hepster not a hipster…but he does not seem old enough.

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