Wank your way to nasal clarity

A paper in the Journal of Medical Hypotheses, "Ejaculation as a potential treatment of nasal congestion in mature males" (Zarrintan, S) proposes a good hard wank to relieve nasal congestion in men:

So the author proposes a more...natural method of decongestion. "It is known that sexual arousal in men is followed by penile erection and subsequent ejaculation" (unless of course you've taken too much Viagra or something). The emission phase of ejaculation is under the control of the sympathetic nervous system, which of course has lots of adrenergic receptors. The author reasons that ejaculation will stimulation adrenergic receptors in the refractory period immediately afterward, and stimulation of your adrenergic receptors will give you relief from your cold.
The author proposes that, with proper scheduling of masturbation and/or sexual intercourse a guy could keep his nose clear for the rest of his life! I wonder how the partner takes that. "Honey, come here, my nose is stuffed up..." And what if your nose is REALLY messed up? I hope those people work from home.
And if a guy can keep his nose clear for life, what about us ladeez? My allergies bother me, too, you know. I think this needs to be tested, both on men and women. So I want to hear back from all of your whether it worked. Wait 'til the hay fever sets in, go at it like rabbits, and then leave a comment with whether or not it worked. Obviously this is not a well controlled study, but I don't know that I want to ask whether it was masturbation or intercourse, and I wouldn't trust anyone with a timer in the few minutes after sex to measure their refractory period. So this is more of a pilot than a real test. Go to it! This is your homework for the weekend!

Screw the sudafed: When your nose ain't great, masturbate!

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

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Daemon

I’m almost surprised nobody has asked for a research assistant yet.
indieandy

I have hayfever something awful – it starts around April, and unless I’m in a city my nose is sore and completely out of action. I spent last summer at a music festival, sleeping in a tent in a field with my girlfriend, and I can vouch that the method described does work, although to spend the whole of my life with my nose clear would necessitate a little more sex than I have time for.
smarjoram

fap fap fap fap
Xopher

This is great news. Not only because I have horrible allergies and get terrible sinus headaches, but can’t take decongestants because of sinus tachycardia, either.

No, it gives us a whole new euphemism. We no longer need to refer to killing kittens, a rather violent image that many dislike. No, we can now say “I have to go relieve my nasal congestion, talk to you later.”

Given the condition of my nose right now, it’s tempting to go rub one out in the bathroom at work. But I think I’ll wait until I get home and have the BF on the phone!

Phikus 7 and 8 Actually “than me” is correct. The preposition’s scope carries over the conjunction. This may be TMI for you; if so please ignore and accept my apologies.

I do think, however, that a 50% shot for you and a 100% shot for her should encourage you both to have sex whenever possible, overcoming your natural reluctance to do so! (“Shot”…must…suppress…pun…)

Beryllium 18: It’s worth a try (see how good I’m being?). But the green stuff generally indicates to me that I need an antibiotic. IANAMD, so you should talk to your doctor and see. (Oh, now I see that Jackie31337 said the same thing @ 21. Well, s/he’s right.)

Nymous 19: I would masturbate excessively (for a teenage boy) just to keep my sinuses clear.

(emphasis added) You’d masturbate excessively…for a teenage boy? I take it you dropped out of school and were hospitalized multiple times for severe genital abrasions? How on Earth, even without school, did you get enough sleep?

Error404 35: I didn’t know US American used the word wank to mean knock one out, one off the wrist, roughing up the prime suspect.

Typically they don’t, but a) Cory is Canadian and lives in Britain, and b) we geeks have adopted some British expressions through i) online friendships with Brits and ii) deep need for an ever-increasing number of euphemisms for our second-favorite activity (the first being arguing online). In that general connection, thank you for adding two more to my catalog!
Stentor

I’ve had extensive experience with this as I’ve had problems with sinus headaches and post-nasal drip for most of my life. I first discovered it about ten years ago when I first got my own apartment, thus had no inhibitions about wanking whenever I felt like it, and noticed that my nose was much clearer after I had finished.

What I have noticed specifically is that it is a two-way effect, that is if you take medications that induce nasal decongestion such as antihistamines, an erection is difficult if not impossible to achieve. I just know that I can’t get it up no matter how hard I try, this would seem to point towards blood flow during vasodilation as the primary mechanism. There seems to be a two-fold function to this, the first is liquifaction of the mucus in the nose, and the rest of the body I would imagine, as I have had serious bouts of coughing when I have done this with a chest cold. The second effect is the clearing of the nasal decongestion for an indefinite period after orgasm. I usually take full advantage of this effect by vigorously clearing my nose and sinuses by inhaling strongly with my mouth and nose sealed, thus producing a strong vacuum in my mouth and nose, which induces the mucus to drain from my nasal and sinus passages down into my throat, where I can clear it by swallowing or coughing it up. This usually extends the effect for a much longer period of time, and can also be further extended by taking a hot shower, or drinking some tea or coffee.

What I believe the primary mechanism is the forcing of blood into the erectile tissues of the body, a side effect of the arousal of the blood into the cavernosum corposum of the penis. Notice when you’re close to orgasm your heart is beating faster, and the erection is at it’s strongest, the nipples are erect, the hair may be standing up on your arms. The orgasm produces a push of blood by the heart into the erectile tissues, some of which reside in the nose and sinuses. This also points towards a temporary vasodilation of the capillaries and other vascular structures during and after orgasm.

The other effect, liquifaction may be related to a release of dopamine into the bloodstream which acts as a prostaglandin inhibitor. This also has the effect of restriction of muscle cramps, thereby explaining the effect on women during their periods. The secondary effect of orgasm in women during their periods is the muscular contractions induced into the womb, which helps the menses to slough off the walls of the uterine lining faster, thereby speeding the bleed.

One girlfriend I had used to experience a much heavier flow after we would have sex, so I suspect there is empirical proof of this to be discovered. All that’s needed is some enterprising researchers, a willing source of funding, and the project could be quite enlightening for everyone, and a lot of fun. Any volunteers?
CammoBlammo

Oh great. Now I have to choose between congestion and blindness.

Ah well, I can always learn to touch type…
elizo

I have jalapeno nasal spray I swear by. Yup, you squirt hot pepper juice up your nose!

I snort it up as deeply as I can, dance around like a St. Vitus patient and make “Unnggh!! Arrrnnggg!” noises for a minute or so while my sinuses are seared and my scalp burns and then…the congestion is gone!

This even works on the most wretched and disabling of sinus headaches, though that sometimes requires a second dose (and more dancing and moaning).
squeeziecat

sexual arousal is – in part – a histamine reaction (the same chemical process that causes inflammation in allergic reactions). it makes sense to me that alleviating the swelling below (so to speak) would knock down the the histamines and relieve the swelling above.
uberunit

Like the readers of Boing Boing need another reason to masturbate.
Anonymous

It works for scrotal congestion, so sure, why not?
Bobdotcom

Romantic evenings will never be the same.

“Thanks, honey. Was it good for you too? Grreeaaaat. Sure, I’ll cuddle with you. Just let me go blow my nose first.” HOONNNK!

Guaranteed mood-killer.
Scuba SM

Elizo,

When I read your post, my imagination immediately created a scene in which Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition attempt to use Jalapeno nasal spray for torture. I have no idea why.
Richard Kirk

This could be a handy hint for those with nasal congestion, or it could be a hoax. You know what? – I find myself almost wishing it was a hoax, because if it was a hoax, then it would be the most wonderful, magnificent one ever, and it doesn’t hurt anyone. Think of the legions of sniffling monkey-spankers out there, mobilized by the power of the internet. Oh, how I wish I had thought of it.
Anonymous

What if one is an impotent 70 year old fogie who hasn’t had an orgasm for 5 years?
rAMPANTiDIOCY

i’m still incredibly congested. have been for days. Conclusive, if you catch my drift.
citybuddha

Sometimes you just gotta love yourself….achoooo
Anonymous

Ok. So I can say- Yes it true. The reason I’m at this site is because I wanted to know why this happens to me all the time. Believe me it does. Sometimes after ejaculation I seriously need to clear out my head for a good 15 minutes in the bathroom. It can actually be annoying especially if I’m with a girlfriend. (excuse me honey.. I’m going to the bathroom.. snort, spit, gag, snort spit..) I can’t help but think that maybe she thinks I’m disgusted by her and have to go and get everything out. Odd but true!
DoctorKlein

Still using the same amount of tissues. Goo just goes out another pipe.
FredicvsMaximvs

@ #9 & #12: Have y’all tried olives stuffed with jalepenos? Wow, those’ll knock your socks off! (And clear out your head somethin’ fierce!)
error404

I didn’t know US American used the word wank to mean knock one out, one off the wrist, roughing up the prime suspect.
airship

I’ve had asthma and allergies forever, and I can tell you that ejaculation provides some temporary relief but it doesn’t last long. Spicy food has a more lasting effect, though it only lasts a couple of hours, too.
Anonymous

When you’re out with yer honey,
And your nose is kinda runny,
You may think it’s funny,
But it’snot.
pjcamp

Noticed that when I was 16.

Does this mean I can get a grant?
Anonymous

Pee Wee Hermann – if only your lawyer had this info! Sinusitis would have been a great defence!
UstinJay

@ #54
Thank you very much for the Golden Boy reference.
It made my day.
Anonymous

Please note that a colleague has written a rebuttal, stating that it is potentially dangerous and one shouldn’t try this at home…or, actually should only try this at home…and never with a vacuum cleaner according the 5th article they cite…

See: Ejaculation as a treatment for nasal congestion in men is inconvenient, unreliable and potentially hazardous. Medical Hypotheses, M . Fakhree
Anonymous

the reason i am on this site…is b/c i just found it to work for me and was wondering why!! woow!! nothing else worked but this!! (Ps: THANKS BF! )
SharpieSniffer

Uh, this works for women too. I will testify to that. It’s my favorite decongestant.
Halloween Jack

My hypothesis? Doesn’t really do anything, but you don’t really care as long as the afterglow lasts.
Noelegy

Makes me think about Freud’s theory of nasal sex…
Baldhead

temprary at best. my nose is chronically stuffed with something or other and uh…..
OM

“I didn’t know US American used the word wank to mean knock one out, one off the wrist, roughing up the prime suspect.”

…Ahhh, don’t listen to that jackoff. We use “wank” all the time :-)
pediddle

I can vouch for this! Works every time. But only for a few minutes afterward.
sonny p fontaine

i’ve known this since 1978. wow, i’ve been tossing of for thirty years. not continuously mind you.
Takuan

rest assured the DEA has taken notice of this unlawful stimulation of your adrenergic receptors.
shmengie

i heard about this years ago, before the interwebs, like in playboy or something. i’ve had clear sinuses ever since!
chrisjman

So can I now submit my internet bill and any porn mag receipts to my insurance company?
WeightedCompanionCube

This really does work.

I read Mary Roach’s Bonk recently and she points out that the nasal cavities contain erectile tissue. It mostly swells when you get congested, but it responds to arousal as well.

So, you might get stuffier during sex, you will experience some relief after you… experience some relief.
Enochrewt

THESE PIPES ARE CLEAN!!!!!!
justONEguy

Finally, an explanation for why I’ve never been congested in my life!
Maddy

as a remedy, is on par with trying to make a headache leave with sex. it works for the short moment of orgasm and then it usually comes back worse instantly … and believe me — I’ve done PLENTY of research on this (all unpaid of course)
Guinness74

It works for me, unless the congestion is really bad. But let me say that if you go the intercourse route, adjust your position as necessary to avoid sinus leakage on your significant other.

It is temporary though. I’m thinking masturbation is not as good as some Alka-Seltzer, but a combination of the two might get you through a sleepless night.
Maddy

and, next I want to find out why certain sneezes resonate strongly in my um, cajones. You have to cough when they check for hernias, I wonder if it’s connected.
semiotix

I fide dis tobic to be disgustig. You people should be ashabed ob yourselbes, obedly discussing seff-abuse like dis.

If a liddle cogesdtiod is the price I pay for puridy, so be id.
Chinpokomon

I first read about this in Playboy many years ago. Certainly not a new study, but I suppose it is one worth revisiting time and time again.
mdh

Cory, I think you broke the front page. I even relauched and cleared the cache. This page looks fine though.
Cory Doctorow

Yeah — I dropped a quote, but it’s better now!
gnp

I think we’ve got another contender for an Ig Nobel prize.
avraamov

er. at the bottom of the post it said ‘discuss (69)’. i’m confused.
Anonymous

Either way, the value of Kleenex stock is safe!
cab238

This actually worked for me about a month ago. I swear.
wynneth

Well, I can’t say for the articles topic itself, but in terms of direct intercourse, here are my results:

All symptoms of any sickness are 100% gone during the “talk her into it” phase, and for the most part during the actual deed. Afterwards? Full return to original condition.
LOL
themindfantastic

I always assumed this was a similar reaction that when the body really does need the extra oxygen that it would clear the passages to help this happen… for example going for a jog or the like, eventually your body needs to be able to bring in more oxygen for various purposes… wanking would be a similar requirement… maybe I have been wrong.
Phikus

This seems to work better for my girlfriend that I, to our testing. We are both asthmatic too.
dragonfrog

The jalapenos sound like a really bad idea. It’s bad enough to rub your eyes or nose after cutting hot peppers, but masturbating with jalapeno-hands?
mdh

Error404
I didn’t know US American used the word wank to mean knock one out,

We learned it from watching YOU!

(a reference to a US anti-drugs campaign, btw)
Anonymous

@#12, Nawel “and by the way, I also think that jalapenos work great. And that hindi mango pickle…”

I’m quite certain that mango pickle is not particular to the Hindi language. Nor to the Hindu religion, if that is in fact what you meant? Nor to India for that matter!
Phikus

I meant to say “than I” or more grammatically correct “than myself.” And to clarify, it seems to work about 50% of the time for me, and 100% for her, which is good because you don’t want to be having an asthmatic event during sex.

Yes, I know, TMI, and you didn’t need that image, but hey, I am addressing the topic at hand… er… so to speak.
minamisan

ah, wanking… is there any problem you can’t ease?
Beezy

This is great and all, but what do you recommend for my constantly clogged ears?
assumetehposition

Jalapenos work fairly well too.
Bill Simmon

Not only does this method work for me spectacularly well (though only for a brief few moments), but I’ve often wondered when someone was going to release a medical paper recommending it or researching some way of making a drug that does the same thing to your sinuses that ejaculation does. Science progresses onward!
BBNinja

As Kintaro Oe would say,

“STUDY! STUDY! STUDY!”
Kal Cobalt

I have chronic sinus issues — allergies, hay fever, sinus headaches when the weather cools abruptly, etc. — and have successfully used this method for temporary relief for years. (I’m female.) Works on colds, too.

The length of the relief seems to vary for unknown reasons. Sometimes it’s just a few minutes; other times I’ll get a couple hours of clearheadedness.
ron___b

Actually I find the exact opposite is true – I get congested afterwards. Seriously, am I the only one this happens to?
- Anonymous
  
  Nah, Man, I discovered just recently that exactly the same was causing blocked sinuses, the two are definitely related- it makes sense- they’re both a type of snot, I suppose.
gd23

I have noticed one way to get my nasal cavities to open up is to hold my breath for a while – after a bit you can feel the sinuses opening up, probably the body trying to get air in.
Nawel

I also have sinus issues… but I’ve never considered this… I should think about it. I’ll ask my GF too.

and by the way, I also think that jalapenos work great. And that hindi mango pickle…
heresyoftruth

I have found this to work for myself, and my husband.
mdh

Jalapenos work fairly well too.

I know what jalapeno’s do to the mucous membranes of the eyes and ears, i mean, wouldn’t that burn like nothing else? ;)
wildgremlinz

if you masturbate too much .. your nose starts bleeding from the fatigue..
alisong76

OK, so that’s my new excuse. I HAVE to do it, I was clearing my nose!

The fact that I am female is irrelevant.
Anonymous

Ever since I first saw those late night ads for nasal impotence sprays I’ve been waiting for something like this. Thought it would be an anti-histamine suppository though ;)
eustace

I am quite certain this does not work for everyone. Quite.
Not that there is no relief from illness; just not that kind.
thagrasshoppa

I have been using this method since I was 16 (36 now) and it works better than anything else…

Can not believe this is news to anyone who has had action…if you know what I mean…
Anonymous

I’m not sure if the sex cleared my sinuses or if I just didn’t *care* at that point!
OM

…Kids, as embarassing as this is, I can attest to the fact that, with the help of my ex-before-last, this is complete and utter bullshit. In fact, I can take this one step further and attest that it also does not help with viral pneumonia, as the college ex and I discovered. Nor does Vap-O-Rub in lieu of Vas-O-Line, but that’s another story.

…However, there is one interesting thing I’ve heard of late: decongestant tablets help increase ejaculation amounts by causing the prostrate gland to become “fuller” due to the mucus fluids being redirected.

Somewhere there’s an Ig Nobel waiting for this sort of research…
Beryllium

I just got over a cold, and now I’m dealing with clogged up nasal stuff. You know the really thick, goopy, lime-green-coloured mucus? No? Be thankful; it is SO gross, loud, and annoying to deal with.

I wonder if this treatment would help … :)
Anonymous

Masturbation just cleared my nose of 12 hours worth of lawn mowing-related allergies in an instant. Got on google and found this site!
nymous

Since I was a child I’ve had asthma (went away) and allergies. Masturbating and having sex always helped and I remember days as a teenage boy where I would masturbate excessively (for a teenage boy) just to keep my sinuses clear. Luckily, I don’t need that method anymore as I grew out of those allergies.
Anonymous

If this is true then why do men, in particular, snore so much?!
Phikus

BERYLLIUM@18: Yes. Hope you feel better soon.

I’m no doctor (nor do I play one on TV) but it would seem a good step in the right direction for your health would be for you to go and get fucked. (I mean this in the nicest way, of course.) I recommend, in fact, that you actually go and fuck yourself (again in the nicest way) lest you spread your nasal infection to your partner. Diseases are the one thing couples should try not to share. Take care.

WILDGREMLINZ@15: Ur doin’ it wrong.
jackie31337

#11 – me too. I always end up more congested.

Beryllium @ 18: “I just got over a cold, and now I’m dealing with clogged up nasal stuff. You know the really thick, goopy, lime-green-coloured mucus? No? Be thankful; it is SO gross, loud, and annoying to deal with.”

Have you been to a doctor? That really sounds like a sinus infection (I’m a bit of a connoisseur of sinus infections). Snot from a cold is usually not green.
Big Ed Dunkel

Congestion and its comeuppance.
homestarrunrun

Well, being the good scientist I am, I must be able to replicate this conclusion numerous times before I accept. Let’s get to work!
Agent 86

I can’t breath out of my nose, at the moment.
Anonymous

Not a fan of Sudafed? You might like this take on Pointless Planet:
http://www.pointlessplanet.com/2009/09/sudafed-flash-card.html
allyrx7

Use the Shower Massage and get relief from both the action and the steam in the shower.

This works. Been my fave opening line for years. “Hey, fella, wanna help me decongest?”
- Antinous
  
  I was wondering when someone would get there. Why do you think they call it a shower head?
Ocker3

I often go years between catching a flu, and regularly unwind before sleep with some “five-fingered sally” action. correlation or causation? I think more study is required . . . . now where’s my lovely gf?