Large Candy Cane Used To Beat Threatening Neighbor

In what may be the only appropriate use for a Christmas lawn decoration, a Sacramento man grabbed a large candy-cane on his lawn and used it to beat a drunken knife-wielding neighbor who was threatening his Thanksgiving guests. He and his red-and-white weapon were able to hold the man until police arrived. Good thing he put those decorations out early. While it sounds like it came from the Onion, the story is in today's Sacramento Bee.

The attacker's name is Donald Kercell, a 49-year old. I searched for his name and found this SacBee story from 2007, and archived in a library service.

Kercell is a 48-year-old resident of Rio Linda. In his youth, he discovered two things. One was that he had a talent for working with concrete. The other was methamphetamine.

The former, coupled with an impressive work ethic, kept Kercell gainfully employed much of the time. The latter put him in prison.

• [angusm]

  Can you get a ‘Concealed Carry’ permit for a 2-foot long plastic candy cane? (“Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you _really_ glad to see me?”)

• [Ugly Canuck]

  If candy canes were outlawed…
  There are enough candy canes in the world to kill everyone many times over…
  Candy canes don’t hurt people, people do…
  Register criminals, not candy canes…
  Isn’t Candy Canes still in the adult movie business?

• [Kay the Complainer]

  But, Ugly Canuck, if candy canes were outlawed, only outlaws would have candy canes!!!!1!

• [OLAF9000]

  only in america! lol

• [pseudonym]

  The meth was responsible for the impressive work ethic. Booze (and stupidity) made hime threaten his neighbors. Seems like the wrong drug is illegal.

• [Shukketsushi]

  haha that makes me like candy canes again

• [Xeni Jardin]

  Exhibit G or Q or I forget what number we’re on for WHY DALE DOUGHERTY IS AN AWESOME GUESTBLOGGER. Meth + Christmas + grievous bodily harm = WIN

• [Takuan]

  how do you tell the other inmates what happened to you?

• [Anonymous]

  All you needed to say was “Rio Linda” for me to believe this was a true story. We used to call their high school mascot the Rio Linda Tweaker.
  Ah, to live in Sac again.

• [Johnny Cat]

  Dale, I agree that obtuse lawn decorations should be used as defensive weapons against harriers. I would love to see my neighbor’s giant snowman re-enact the climax of Ghostbusters as The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man on some thugs.

• [vert]

  I was about to post nearly the exact same thing as #4.

  I’ve been going up to Sac frequently here lately to help out my mom who’s been having a hard time lately. She lives in the incredibly sketchy are between Rio Linda and Del Paso Heights. Luckily she’s moving next week.

  Honestly, I’d feel safer in East Oakland after dark than I would most of North Sac.

• [montauk]

  Whoever wrote that newspaper column is awesome and I hope they have a blog.

• [Pipenta]

  Tak,

  I think you have to sugar coat it.

• [a_user]

  never a handy cam or video phone around when you need one.

  Maybe the police could do a video reconstruction so we can ge it on to you tube.

• [Takuan]

  Ow!

• [eclectro]

  “In what may be the only appropriate use for a Christmas lawn decoration”

  WTF? It’s Christmas, and I happen to like the sugary minty candy canes, and do not begrudge anyone trying to find their little bit of seasonal joy. No matter how silly it may seem.

  Is this a Boing Boing scrooge?

  • [Antinous]

    I on, the other hand, can think of several appropriate uses for a giant candy cane. And the bow would make a handy restraint.

• [jere7my]

  Take the letters “at” out of “beat” in that headline to get an even better one.

• [Procrastes]

  For more police report fun, read the Grass Valley, CA police blotter. We’re just a few miles north and east of Sacramento but several planets weirder.

  http://gvpb.blogspot.com/2008/11/grass-valley-police-blotter-vol-cxiii.html

  “12:14 p.m. – A woman from the 10000 block of Ridge Road reported her husband was threatening to blow up the house. A loud bang was heard in the background before the line was disconnected. Everything was O.K. when sheriff’s deputies arrived.”

• [glimmerbee]

  I just saw at the local home depot one “twisted candycane” for Christmas and it had me considering that just the right person could be thinking something twisted about it.

• [zikman]

  @13 Jere7my

  lol!

• [Talia]

  Vengeance is sweet.

  • [Antinous]

    Was this a Shari’a caning?

• [ManhattanManhunter]

  Oh – Donald Kercell sounds like quite the catch! Dare to dream. ;-)

• [clothingoptional]

  I love the start to that 2007 news story. Well worth stealing for a bit of fiction. :)

• [nanuq]

  The attacker was lucky there was just a candy cane available. He’d have never heard the end of it if it had been a lawn gnome.