A Brief Essay on the Sad Lack of Imagination in Invertebrate Oriented Erotica with Brief Notes on the Lascivious Nature of Both the Lophotrochozoa and Ecdysozoa, or, Getting Beyond "Hur hur! That Squid Tentacle Looks like Penis!"

Loligo Lothario sez, "With all of the recent postings on cephalopod oriented erotica (or tentacle porn, as it is coarsely called), I had wondered if you had not stumbled on this musing on why those fixated on tentacles really lack imagination, and how other invertebrate oriented erotica can be really really hot. Invertebrates are amazingly kinky, as pointed out in some lovely marine science blog The Oyster's Garter as it looks at the sex lives of tunicates, slugs, and more. So really, why can't we get beyond the tentacle, I ask?"
Taking a step to the side, let us briefly consider phylum Mollusca class Bivalvia. Yes, bivalves at first seem boring - little sessile clam-like things that they are. However, bivalves engage in the one behavior that heretofore I think sounds like the most delightful sexual activity ever. Free spawning. I mean, seriously, think of it, you catch a sudden whif of the right scent, the right temperature, or a little shake, and then EXPLODE in pleasurable gamete release. I, myself, have had this happen right in my face in an orgy of mussel bukkake, but picture the potential for some nubile nymphet subjected to the experiments of a dastardly doctor in fusing the sexual needs of a scallop with the body of his scientific muse.

This is of course not to mention the abilities for bivalves to form threadlike attachments with their byssal gland, and the ever shape-changing, muscular, pulsing, turgid, bivalve foot. Or, the bizarre, soft, delicate anatomy of free swimming shell-less bivalves who, if airborne, could wreak erotic havoc on an entire countryside if presented by the proper author or animator.

A Brief Essay on the Sad Lack of Imagination in Invertebrate Oriented Erotica with Brief Notes on the Lascivious Nature of Both the Lophotrochozoa and Ecdysozoa, or, Getting Beyond "Hur hur! That Squid Tentacle Looks like Penis!"

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  1. mmmmmm, the base carnality of it all is quite stimulating… sad how many of these dimensionally bound creatures never know the ecstasy of a proper Visitation. The faintly rank mist first permeating the bedchamber, and then the thickening to a tangible miasma of eldritch promise… night sweat slicked thighs relaxing to the inevitable, inexorable, penetrating tendrils that caress and tease and then divide into yet finer filaments of electric` passion, burrowing into each cell and dividing yet again and again, violating the very molecules of being, and finally in a fractal orgy of untold myriads of splintering desire merge with every iota of being into a crashing crescendo of quantum climax, arrrrghghhhhhhhh. Sorry, sorry, high tide and all that…. sorry.

  2. Cool, I totally prefer mollusca and invertebrate sex rather that weird depp sea fish that attach himself to the side of the female and fuses his head… ergh!
    Angel Fish, I think they are called. Eurgh!

  3. What did the marine biologist say to the chick at the bar?

    “Wanna come back to my place and see my love mussel?”

  4. or a little shake, and then EXPLODE in pleasurable gamete release……..but picture the potential for some nubile nymphet subjected to the experiments of a dastardly doctor in fusing the sexual needs of a scallop with the body of his scientific muse.

    this guy obviously missed all those female ejaculation vids laying around the net

  5. Dude’s ignoring the obvious superior erotic qualities of cephalopods: they can move all of their limbs independently at once, and they’re smart. There’s always that certain scene from Galaxy of Terror, though, if you’re really in the mood for something else.

    In other news: porn is what you like, erotica is what I like.

  6. Reading this article had me singin’ the hymn I learned before I thought about moving to Minnesota:

    Oh Cephalopod, Oh Cephalopod, How slimy are thy branches.
    Oh Cephalopod, Oh Cephalopod, seldom grown on ranches.

    Does anyone remember the rest of this? I think Dick Tatge or Jim Young from MinnStf wrote this 30-40 years ago.

  7. *hurk*

    *Hurk*

    *BLEUURRGHHHHH!*

    Ok, now I feel better. Chaser please.

    -abs has never really gotten tentacle porn, though he approves of it, but actual invertebrate sex . .. . blech, ditto for the creepy insect sex stuff Isabella Rossalini (sp?) did, -abs means . . . sure maybe it’s your thing, and that’s ok, but . . . ewwwww

  8. Ew. One post I can ignore, but are you going to make this discussion a recurrent theme on BoingBoing? I need a new BoingBoing.

  9. M. Nubilus doesn’t really get tentacle porn, yet he is so bored of it.
    I note that I have never watched a basketball game in my life, and am quite bored of it.

    Now, to be sure, inventiveness and experimentation are to be treasured in all human endeavors. And for his additions to the realm of invertebrate oriented erotica, I salute him!

    But I’m here to say that the amorous embrace of amorphous entities of all description is quite glorious, just as it is.

    (Also, my captcha today is “No stairs”. It seems faintly ominous for some reason.)

  10. You people are sick. Sick. Sex should only occur between a man and a woman, in the dark, facing each other with the man on top, with no talking and as silently as possible so the kids don’t hear. Any alternative leads to, like. . . you know, “evil.”

  11. i second abs (excepting that i “get” tentacle porn – that beak’s gonna come back and bite me…). i, too, need a chaser. somehow (and i suspect it’s due to stylisation), drawings of cephalopod love upset me less than descriptions thereof.

  12. I find this very illuminating, particularly the ensuing discussion here. It is precisely because the tentacle resembles a penis that we pay such close attention, but I imagine bona fide tentacle fetishists have a wide variety of individual reasons for enjoying it.

    Most of the English words and phrases that are synonymous with lovemaking are particularly brutal: screwing, banging like a shithouse door in a gale, nailing, etc. Such terms evoke penetration, beating, stabbing, as a testament to the invasive nature of sex in general. And invasive it is, especially in Pr0nWurld.

    So, while it’s good to question why tentacle porn persists, to the near total exclusion of other, potentially more imaginative kinds of fringe pornography, we should ask ourselves why penis-shaped vibrators are such popular items.

  13. Hey, didn’t I see this on an old Monty Python skit? (It gets “good” at about the 2:30 mark.)

    Regrettably, this skit (which was only mildly funny to begin with) devolves into an anti-gay punchline with Python’s (still-closeted I assume) Graham Chapman delivering the final blow.

    (If the YouTube link is no longer active, just search for “Monty Python + Mollusks”.)

  14. I must register my formal protest at the Management’s decision to implicitly support the speciesist agenda by the providing of a unicorn chaser at this juncture. It suggests there is a need for such and harms inter/intra/intro phylum relations by pandering to the prejudices of the pedally handicapped. That said, Sara’s a whiz – imagine her with eight more drumsticks!

  15. MarlboroTestMonkey @12: No. Takuan’s literary effusion there is just the right length. “Oooh, I liked that, I want to hear more” is a good reaction to erotica.

    Erotica’s a delicately balanced form. It doesn’t take much additional material to make it tip over into one of the unwanted reactions, like “bored now” or “this is icky.”

    Halloween Jack @13: Erotica is what I like, porn is what you like, smut is what I don’t like, perversion is what squicks me.

    Other definitions:

    Erotica is porn with a dab of vaseline on the lens.

    Erotica is porn with nicer bedsheets and a little more plot.

    If you have to run it through a mental recompiler to get off on it, it’s erotica.

    Cochituate @15:

    …Dick Tatge or Jim Young…

    Begad! That was startling. I hadn’t previously had occasion to look up your e-mail address. Hi there!

    Purly @17:

    Ew. One post I can ignore, but are you going to make this discussion a recurrent theme on BoingBoing? I need a new BoingBoing.

    Nonsense, Purly. You’re a grownup. If you see that the entry header mentions invertebrate-oriented erotica, and you read it anyway, whose fault is it that you get squicked? Hint: it’s not ours. If you get queasy when you think about sex with mollusks or nudibranchia, don’t read about it.

    Anonymous @19, you write a fine comment. Have you considered registering an account?

    Takeshi @24: I blame the installed user base. On the other hand, have you ever noticed how many of them are shaped like little bunnies? It’s like an entire genre. Not to mention all the rubber duckies. And Hello Kitty.

    Speaking of such devices, Takuan, I found a few you’ll approve of, like purple starfish, an octopus, and a screaming octopus, plus assorted holothurians and nudibranchs.

    But not one of these.

  16. a delightful bestiary, and oh those crazy kids at Makita! I accept your challenge by the way and will strive to attain full-on squick.

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