A comment from Modusoperandi

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156 Responses to “A comment from Modusoperandi”

  1. jja says:

    “But Lord, what about the times when there were no footprints?”

    “My child, it was then that I dropkicked you.”

  2. Takuan says:

    ….and through the other side!… whew! that one tickled!

    Why did you use the Fur Bikini Invocation? Anyways, yogurt, that’s an easy one: failed booze. Kumiss been around a long time and it still doesn’t taste any better.

  3. arkizzle says:

    Since when are mzn.cm and Wkpda considered to be moderatable offenses?

    Careful sonny.

  4. Modusoperandi says:

    Antinous: But what if I now decide to use my links for evil?

  5. sirkowski says:

    Humor > Religion

  6. Takuan says:

    hey, I’m always helping! You know all those times when the footprints you were following kept leading into deeper water and those really slippery rocks by the deep end of the reef? Yeah, me! But NOOOOOO!

  7. Modusoperandi says:

    Takuan:
    *Consume bad milk. Get sick.
    *Consume bad milk. Get sick.
    *Consume bad milk. Get sick.
    *Consume bad milk. Don’t get sick. Add strawberries to mask the awful taste.
    …and that that’s the timeline that ended in the first yogurt.

  8. markmarkmark says:

    everyone else, excuse my rash tone…

    ARKIZZLE

    http://www.stfu.se/
    go there and do what it says

  9. FoetusNail says:

    Congratulations MO!

  10. Takuan says:

    sounds like theology

  11. andyhavens says:

    - If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.

    - There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “All right, then, have it your way.”

    - You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.

    - A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.

    All by C. S. Lewis

    PS: Some of us Christians are also Happy Mutants. But we don’t mind the teasing; it beats being fed to the lions. ;-)

  12. arkizzle says:

    ⌚ Bed time, goodnight all! ⌚

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=QAbtVmciKFY

  13. Xopher says:

    -luke -john -matthew 87: pretending humans are good by nature is stupid and ignorant. humans are vile creatures, sinful by nature – good by choice.
    even if you disagree with religion that fact should be obvious.

    Man, where IS the Ignore button on this damn site? This comment sure made me reach for it.

    ModusOperandi 101 Since it appears I haven’t said it before: I like you. And this comment is an example of why.

    (Btw, Thor fights the Ice Giants to keep them from permanently freezing the world. Any lightning that hits your house is collateral damage, and deeply regretted by the Asgard Defense Forces.)

  14. Xopher says:

    Shorter markmarkmark: “No, you shut up.”

    Call us when you pupate, OK?

  15. markmarkmark says:

    we were created in G-Ds image, good.
    then we sinned and became evil.

    that is my story i have not changed it once.

    also i might hate myself, but again, Jesus loves me this i know.

  16. ill lich says:

    I suspect modusoperandi is a professional comedian; that’s too good.

  17. arkizzle says:

    W I N !

  18. markmarkmark says:

    what good are opinions if you can’t defend them?

  19. markmarkmark says:

    no good
    that’s what

  20. arkizzle says:

    Mark³

    Ever seen a person run unselfconciously into the scene of an accident to help, or the middle of a fight to try stop it?
    Ever seen care workers in a warzone, foregoing their own safety to ensure that the sick and dying have a chance at pulling through or dying in peace?

    You have an inherently bad view of humanity. I can be as gloomy as anyone, but I know people are as good as they are bad. Usually it is self-preservation that takes over in a fight-or-flight situation, not an overriding contrived badness.

    And please back off on the “evil” thing. Very few people (if any, depending on your definition of the word) ever reach an “evil” status. Your use of it to describe everyone minimises its impact and takes the focus off those who could conceivably deserve the label.

  21. minTphresh says:

    markmarcmock, what the fuck is this “G-D” you keep blathering on about incessantly ? cuz, when i say G-D, it’s usually something like…man, i wish that “G-D” markmarkmark would shut the fuck up. you know, like “God Damn”, that guy”s comments go nowhere and seem to mean nothing. or, what a “God-Damned” idjit. does that clear things up a bit?

  22. Anonymous says:

    I like David Cross’ version:

    “…Lord, why did you leave me alone at the most troublesome time of my life?

    And the lord said ” Because, my son, that was when I was helping one of the other 5 BILLION PEOPLE on the planet, you selfish f**k”

  23. markmarkmark says:

    troofseeker isn’t narrowminded, just on the straight and narrow

  24. Takuan says:

    no one likes to be lonely. Come back though, when you appreciate others have needs too.

  25. Modusoperandi says:

    Typical. The one time I make a contribution worthy of reading and I didn’t preview it before posting (apparently blockquotes end when the paragraph ends).

    …Warning: Spoilers ahead (and mild website whoring)…
    ill lich “I suspect modusoperandi is a professional comedian; that’s too good.”
    Sort of. A few years ago I started writing on Uncyclopedia.org – “the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit” (my userpage is here). It’s not professional (although, in no modesty whatsoever, I have flirted with genius. Emphasis on “flirted”).
    It’s just something I like to do. If I got paid for it it would be a job. I’ve already got one of those, and they suck. Plus, jobs have deadlines. My way, I only have to write when I have an idea, rather than when the rent is due.

    dunnright “Lt’s ll bsh th Chrstns!!”
    Golly. It was a joke. Heck, calling that one “Christian bashing” stretches the term well past the breaking point. Meanwhile, I don’t see you complaining about:
    * The digeredoo/fellatio bit, which is potentially offensive to Australian aborigines, musicians and, um, fellatiartistes.
    * The blue collar Shakespeare bit from that same post, which digs Romans, Shakespeare, and anyone who has worked in construction.
    * The second comment to Xopher in this post, which gets pagans and Pentecostals in one single blow (and, yes, I almost always manage to spell “Pentacostals” incorrectly. You’d be surprised how rarely it normally comes up).
    * This one “bashes” the two symbiotes that help virtually all life on Earth be more lively.
    * Xopher’s definition of “magic”, which is offensive to no one of any importance.
    * internet slang, which gets both internet “isms” and “WWJD?”, and it made me giggle for at least five minutes, making it deeply offensive to lesser giggles of shorter duration.
    * And lastly, the “magic panties” bit and this one, that “bash” at least two religions.
    …and that’s just the cold-hearted, malevolent “bashing” on one single page on one website! And those pale beside my napkin sketch of the Prophet Muhammad which, if it were to appear in a Danish newspaper would lead the torching of Canadian embassies and some 40,000,000 people calling for my head.

    Why do people only find jokes about other people funny? If someone makes a joke about me, I don’t make a fuss about it. It might get my heartrate up, but I just brush it off and say, “Yeah. If there is one thing that I have, it’s that comedic characteristic/mannerism!”

    …and the above was way too much work just to defend a simple joke.

    In closing: This wasn’t even a joke about people, it’s one about a belief. If one’s beliefs are too fragile to withstand the unfocussed gaze of an off-the-cuff joke, then they are not long for this world.

  26. markmarkmark says:

    i would not dare to claim to know the true name of YHVH, so i take precautions against it.

    sorry if this caused any confusion.

    also – shorter arkizzle –
    “i disagree, shut up!”

    my response was in kind – call me when you can identify immaturity in people you agree with.

  27. Lightfoote says:

    My favorite joke since I was about 8 would seem to apply to the idea of the world’s cruelty and faith in God, if not the footprints story (I am cleaning it up a little):

    A man crashes his plane in the middle of the grasslands of Africa. Knowing that no one is going to find him and luckily unhurt, he proceeds to take the long trek back to civilization. As he is making his way, the tall grass parts and he finds himself surrounded by well armed indigenous people. Fearing for his life, he exclaims, “Oh God, I’m screwed.”

    The heavens part and a hand stretches out. The man hears a booming voice say, “No you’re not, take this spear and shove it through the chieftan’s heart.”

    The man does so and the voice again booms,”Now, you’re screwed.”

  28. Modusoperandi says:

    Goody. I posted a lengthy reply (mostly to dunnright’s disemvowel’d comment, because pointless offense is one of my pet peeves), and it got hung up in moderation.
    Sadly, since its current non-appearance will no doubt build high expectations even higher, I know that I will inevitably experience only disappointment upon reading whateveritwas that I wrote.

  29. Takuan says:

    sssshh, good night now.

  30. Modusoperandi says:

    markmarkmark “human = bad”
    Again, what a horrible philosophy. Life is hard enough without fooling yourself into believing that you’re worse than you really are.

    “that is the thing. ever watch babies fight…we are only “good” when we choose to be good. when we follow our instincts we’re human, natural, and evil.”
    So when bonobos practice reciprocal altruism, is Bonobo Jesus working through them?
    When a dolphin rescues a drowning human, is that Dolphin Jesus or the regular one?
    Or how about this?


    Again, pick up some books on evo-psych. Seeing less advanced versions of what we like to think of as “human” actions in other animals, especially our nearest evolutionary relatives, is fascinating.

  31. Modusoperandi says:

    Antinous / Moderator “Several of your comments spent the night hanging out in the spam filter. I just found them.”
    …Several?! I only remember the one. Ever. #44 was the one (which I lamented in the exciting and acton-packed and thrill-filled adventure whole family that was #45). In any event, thanks.

  32. Teresa Nielsen Hayden / Community Manager says:

    JJA, I always hear Legend of the Sand Dollar as though it were being recited by the same Warner Brothers character who says “Don’t you worry, never fear, Robin Hood will soon be here.”

  33. Modusoperandi says:

    markmarkmark “some animals can use altruism to transcend their natures.”
    Simplify: Altruism is part of their natures. They’re in the same boat as us. We’re just better at rationalizing our actions after the fact.

    “only humans will do things that make absolutely no logical sense – like dying to save an animal.”
    Our “tribe” is plastic, with mobile boundaries. You will die to save your dog. Your dog would do the same for you. Your cat would let you die. Cats suck.

    “my G-D made us good. we chose to be evil. that has been passed down to every child since adam and eve.”
    Except that A&E are fiction. And if God exists, and it’s petty enough to believe that spelling out it’s title in full is somehow bad, then it’s not worth mentioning it’s name at all.

    “all that is good is G-D, all that is sorrow is us.”
    Wow, what a horrible philos…
    You should pick up some books on evo-psych…
    Oh, screw this. I’m not staying in your loop of shame.

  34. Anonymous says:

    modus – you’re always worth reading, here you have excelled yourself :)

  35. Teresa Nielsen Hayden / Community Manager says:

    Win, you betcha.

  36. Anonymous says:

    I did’t want to anger the mighty tilde. ~~~~

  37. Modusoperandi says:

    Pah! That should be “adventure for the whole”, not “adventure whole”. Out loud both of those, incidentally, are hilarious when taken out of context, as I have just done, and am hoping that you are doing as well. Perv.

  38. minTphresh says:

    muckmuckmucky, nice of you to take your nose out of his ass long enough to tell me so! as the sage once said, :”what a maroon.”

  39. Modusoperandi says:

    TroofSeeker “The Father took on a glum expression. “Son, at some point you’re going to have to go into the game and pay a heavy price so I can forgive their iniquities, if they so desire.”
    “Uh. Huh? Why don’t you just forgive them? More reasonably, what’s to forgive? They’re exactly what you made them to be. If one student fails, it’s the student’s fault. If the whole class fail, it’s the teacher’s. And what’s with that room downstairs, with all the worms burning in unquenchable fire and the wailing and gnashing of teeth? Does Mom know?”

  40. barjoe says:

    Hey, Takuan walks on water! (#21 last time I looked).
    What have you been noming?

  41. Modusoperandi says:

    Takuan: The cat didn’t save them. It was saving itself. The people just happened to be necessary for its plan.

  42. Xopher says:

    Reminds me of the story I tell about Hekate, only the response to “why would you leave me?” is “What, you didn’t want to learn to walk by yourself?”

  43. Daemon says:

    … and when I asked the Lord why he left me during those times, he grew enraged that I would dare to question Him, and he cast me down into the fiery pit.

    … and when I asked Eris why she left me during those times, she spoke of enigma that is the number 23, the texture of rose petals when squashed between one’s toes, and the delightful shiny thing she had found the day before.

  44. robulus says:

    @26

    Awesome. David Cross seems to have a real affinity with this story. I remember a sketch on Mr. Show, for some reason a bunch of people were lining up to deliver emotional farewells to someone, and one of them just walks up and, in completely overwrought tone, exclaims “That’s when I was carrying you!”

    I also saw a great stand up bit where he talks about coming a upon a vision of the Virgin Mary. He gets all choked up about it, and says “… and then… she raped me!”

    Absolutely one of the finest comedians around.

  45. Takuan says:

    so who was the goat working for?

  46. TroofSeeker says:

    >”…The answer is to teach that effort is what makes you smart, and I guess that it’s each action that makes you good.”

    Excellent!

    >”…Humans are, like many creatures, by default, empathetic.”

    Yeah… I don’t buy that. We’re hunter-gatherers. We want stuff, we love our stuff. We care. And as social creatures, we care about relationships and how others see us. In my experience, kids can be really heartless, but somewhere around 10 to 14 years they seem to suffer an increase in conscience, and although rebellion may be their response to it, their “heart” can feel remorse. I think this would be true even of a human raised by badgers.
    That is not to reduce the impact of environment, tho. Our brain is soft goo that changes as necessary to continue. If it wasn’t, we would have lost to Neanderthal. Even he threw flowers into the graves of loved ones. He cared too.

  47. minTphresh says:

    plus, they had the key to the catnip cabinet.

  48. markmarkmark says:

    for sure, i only wanted to post it once.
    plus it’s not a blog – i submitted it for publishing but i don’t think anyone liked it enough for the frontpage

  49. TroofSeeker says:

    MODUS, mi amigo mas guapo,
    When you commit an act that you feel you need forgiveness
    for, you don’t honestly feel that your creator is to blame, do
    you? Don’t you make your own choices? And that room
    downstairs… I don’t pretend to understand all about God.
    If you want a god you can understand, may I suggest carving
    a wooden calf and plating it with gold. Fortunately, winning
    His favor isn’t about what we think to be true, or even being
    “religious”. I’m not. You don’t deserve what He wants to give
    you, and you can’t earn it. So He found a way to make it free.
    I don’t mean to bring the party down, so I’ll go think of
    something stupid to say. Later, Bud! -Troof

  50. SeamusAndrewMurphy says:

    @ #13, perhaps he was just hunting a woozle?

  51. GregLondon says:

    heh.

  52. markmarkmark says:

    some animals can use altruism to transcend their natures.
    only humans will do things that make absolutely no logical sense – like dying to save an animal.

  53. Modusoperandi says:

    Obviously.

  54. dunnright says:

    Ww, md n nnyms cmmnt tht ddn’t blv ws wrthy f cnsrshp, bt pprntly dssntng vws r nt llwd n th lstng f “Wndrfl Thngs”.

    Lt’s ll bsh th Chrstns!!

  55. FoetusNail says:

    You can stop thinking, you been there and done that already.

  56. merreborn says:

    I heard a priest read this one about a year ago:

    One night I had a wondrous dream,
    One set of footprints there was seen,
    The footprints of my precious Lord,
    But mine were not along the shore.

    But then some strange prints appeared,
    And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
    Those prints are large and round and neat,
    “But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

    “My child,” He said in somber tones,
    “For miles I carried you along.
    I challenged you to walk in faith,
    But you refused and made me wait.”

    “You disobeyed, you would not grow,
    The walk of faith, you would not know,
    So I got tired, I got fed up,
    And there I dropped you on your butt.”

    “Because in life, there comes a time,
    When one must fight, and one must climb,
    When one must rise and take a stand,
    Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

  57. arkizzle says:

    Dunn.. how long ago did you post it? Anonymous comments float in quarantine, ’til they are deemed non-toxic. It may still be waiting release.

  58. arkizzle says:

    Hekate was all about the tough love, eh?

  59. eustace says:

    Thanks for the link, Chris Tucker! Or should that be Xucker? :) Fun to sing along with…

  60. arkizzle says:

    #46

    The faithful..

  61. minTphresh says:

    arkie, punk rock with a casio..FTW! and the ‘son’ comment was from the end of toothsneeker’s comment “Turns out both our boys are really good people.” it was a confusing comment at best. also, i didn’t know antinous had access to a woodchipper…hmmm, the ideas are flowin ! i’m wondering if it’s gas or diesel powered, and is it trailerable…

  62. jrucifer says:

    @ #26:

    AGREED.

    here’s the audio for those who have never heard it. http://footprints.ytmnd.com/

  63. TroofSeeker says:

    Two amoeba were walking along a beach weeping and moaning
    when they came to a little stand where a protozoa was selling protein shakes.
    “What’s bothering you guys?” the protozoa asked.
    “We don’t know how to replicate ourselves. We’ll never have families or children
    we can hand our legacies down to!” mourned one, and they both wept loudly.
    “Look, you’re driving customers away.” The protozoa replied. “I think you better split.”

    It should be noted that one of the amoeba would later take up residence
    in the right eye of an eyeball worm- a painfull and annoying condition.

  64. Antinous / Moderator says:

    dunnright,

    What exactly do you find so offensive about this conversation that would impel you to make the accusation of ‘bashing”?

  65. Cnoocy says:

    I can’t let this pass without pointing out Carl Muckenhoupt’s brilliant Discordian version:

    I dreamed that I was walking down the beach with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw footprints in the sand.

    But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints, and sometimes there was only one. And the times when there was only one pair of footprints, those were my times of greatest trouble.

    So I asked the Goddess, “Why, in my greatest need, did you abandon me?”

    She replied, “I never left you. Those were the times when we both hopped on one foot.” And lo, I was really embarassed for bothering Her with such a stupid question.

  66. eustace says:

    Oh Troofseeker! What a lovely troof you have shared with us! I’m still laughing…

  67. barjoe says:

    #48 Then what had the faithfull been eating?

    P.S. Attenborough will soon be stirring up some more hate mail.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00hd5mf

  68. dunnright says:

    @#33 It was hours before, and the only reason I commented anonymously is because I was at work and I can’t log in there.

    @#35 It’s just the whole attitude of the post and the comments here in general. I sincerely believe if it was a joke about Muslim beliefs, or that of Bhudists, it would not have got the same reaction. Certainly not Front Page!

    and…disemvoweled?!?! Unbelieveable!

    @#44 I don’t get offended easily, and I agree that if any group should be made fun of, it’s probably that of fundamentalist christians. It’s more of the supporting comments, which really shouldn’t surprise me here.

    Basically, I just tried to make a comment in the dissenting view, and it was removed or never made it. Surprise, surprise.

    Then, disemvowelled?!?! I’m hurt…really. :(

  69. dunnright says:

    #35 ANTINOUS / MODERATOR

    What exactly do you find so offensive in my post that would impel you to “disemvowell” it?

  70. wolfiesma says:

    Jja, That brought tears to my eyes. And alotta laughs. Too good.

  71. Xopher says:

    Is, Arkizzle. Is.

  72. arkizzle says:

    MinT

    I think Troof has two sons. (I thought you were trying to equate ‘getting his analogy’ to ‘having sons’, phew!)

    Also, yeah it’s a great track. Theme tune to Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe (which everyone needs to watch, now). If you never heard of Charlie Brooker, also check out “Dead Set”, his zombie film set in the BigBrother house (with full backing from C4 and Endemol, so its excellently done).

    He’s a – f u n n y – dude.

  73. AngryRainbows says:

    Bullshit Jesus, those were my footprints.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34168

  74. arkizzle says:

    In fairness Dunn, the comments up until your comment are the least “bashing” comments I can think of on any recent religion based thread on BB.

    Almost all the comments were snow clones, variations on a theme that people were posting to join in the humour, or comments related to that meme. The theme wasn’t ‘bashing christians’, it was a flip on an oft quoted parable.

    So, if your anonymous comment was as uneccessarily screechy as calling those comments “bashing”, I probably wouldn’t have let it go either. Maybe if you were logged in, but part of moderation is catching anonymous drive-by comments that don’t serve the conversation, and are made by people who aren’t invested enough in the community to worry about making off the cuff criticisms.

    J’know?

  75. Antinous / Moderator says:

    dunnright,

    Why do you assume that MO’s comment refers to Christianity? Krishna, Allah and various and divers other deities may be addressed as Lord.

    “My son displays a general garment and you claim it’s cut to your fit?” Jessica asked. “What a fascinating revelation.”

  76. GTMoogle says:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_neuron
    Humans are, like many creatures, by default, empathetic. Everything beyond that is probably more learned than anything else.

    There’s child psych studies that say kids taught that kids are either good or bad will classify themselves as ‘bad’ if they’re punished, which they’ll use to perform and justify more bad behavior. Similarly, the idea that you’re either smart or stupid implies that needing to study means you’re already stupid and should just give up. The answer is to teach that effort is what makes you smart, and I guess that it’s each action that makes you good.

  77. arkizzle says:

    Dunn@67, not addressed to me, but:

    The unwarranted screechiness and misplaced tone of martyrdom?

    Your reaction seemed wa-ay overboard, when you could have just popped over to the mod thread, or sent antinous a mail to find out if your comment got stuck in the trap.

  78. Tom Hale says:

    OK, that did it, now I have to listen to George Harrison’s My Sweet Lord. Damn that was a good song.

  79. arkizzle says:

    And now that I think of it, that track is on the 28 Days Later soundtrack too.

  80. shutz says:

    As the man walked with the Lord along the beach, they came upon another set of prints.

    “Follow these prints,” said the Lord.

    The man, not one to question his Lord, followed the prints without hesitation, with his faith sustaining him throughout the journey.

    Much later, a second set of prints appeared alongside the first set of prints the man was following.

    “Keep following the prints,” said the Lord.

    So the man, who still believed in his Lord’s ultimate wisdom, continued on his way, following the two sets of prints, and adding his own in the process.

    Even later, the man came upon a third set of prints.

    The man finally decided to ask, “Lord, far be it from me to doubt you, but have we been going around in circles all this time?”

    “What did you expect,” said the Lord, “Faith alone will always make you move in circles. If you ever want to get anywhere, you’ve got to learn to think for yourself.”

  81. minTphresh says:

    dunnrite, im not a mod( it is a well known fact that i m a rocker) but my guess would be the ‘holier than thou’ b.s. attitude that your posts convey. your whole rhetoric reeks so snidely of it. once u start talking about “you all…” and “all of you…” bullshit, well the disemvowelling commences. probably what happened was that someone became offended by your comment and they clicked on the eyeball and sent a message to teresa, who then bereft it of its vowells. it’s not a spanking, it is just a gentle reminder that your input is not moving the conversation along nor adding anything meaningful to it. plus, it’s not funny. funny goes a long way on bongbong. dunnright, in other words, yer doing it wro….oh, never mind.

  82. Anonymous says:

    @SCHUTZ #13:

    Are you sure God isn’t plagiarizing from A.A. Milne?

    /a woozle, as it might be

  83. Xopher says:

    MinTphresh 72: dunnrite, im not a mod( it is a well known fact that i m a rocker)

    Ooo, MinT, you’re dating yourself! But as I’ve said many times, dating yourself sure beats sitting home on a Saturday night, posting on the inter…oh, shit.

  84. minTphresh says:

    damn, xopher! thats just something i really didn’t want to think about! i got a good excuse tho…the superbowl circus is in town and there ain’t no freekin way im goin out in that shit! too crazy. maybe a dozen or so years ago..

  85. markmarkmark says:

    who’s ass?

    and also – if the majority of students ignore the teacher and a handful really, really care, and really really try and make a difference applying what he’s taught – well, i think the teacher is not at fault.

  86. markmarkmark says:

    twasn’t the invisible man, it was the Holy Ghost.

    Also hey look

    how did that happen i am not good at internet

  87. TroofSeeker says:

    PHOS OF THE COSMOS
    The Son walked in to find the Father very busy in His workshop.
    “What’cha doin’, Dad?”
    “I’ve been kinda lonely, so I’m gonna build a race of creatures
    to live here with Us and share Our eternal joy.” the Father replied.
    The Son looked around at the chorus of 10,000 angels who
    were playing lyres and singing hymns. “What about these guys?”
    “They’re just doing what they were made for.” the Father replied.
    “They didn’t choose this. I want a group that chose to be here.”
    “Can I help?” the Son asked.
    “I thought you’d never ask!” said the Father. “If you could build
    the stage…”
    [Five days later]
    “How’s it coming?” asked the Father.
    The Son attached a left-over duck beak onto a platypus,
    then replied “Okay, we’re ready here! The game board is a
    temporary setting I’m calling Time, and the stage is this universe.”
    “Beauty!” replied His Father. “I especially love the way Life rises,
    then withers, making room for new Life. Excellent job!”
    “Thanks Pop.” the Son replied. “One thing I’ve been wondering,
    tho… how can You offer them a choice? Either way, they would
    be following Your suggestion.”
    The Father jerked His thumb at the choir behind Him. “I’ll use
    some of these guys. Just a dash of envy and they’ll turn on Me
    like vipers.” The Father took on a glum expression. “Son, at some
    point you’re going to have to go into the game and pay a heavy
    price so I can forgive their iniquities, if they so desire.”
    “So if they choose to live here with Us they can enter Eternity?”
    “They can be born again with an eternal soul.”
    The Son sighed, then said “Then I’ll do what I gotta do.”
    The next day the Father bent down and scooped up a handful of
    dirt and formed Man.
    [The preceeding message has been The Meaning of Life.
    Take it or leave it.]

  88. arkizzle says:

    Tom, you just infected my ear with Harrison. Thank you.

  89. arkizzle says:

    Mark³

    1) who is blaming Jesus for anything?
    2) you have your nose in more than one ass?

  90. Modusoperandi says:

    TroofSeeker “Yeah… I don’t buy that.”
    You can not buy that all you want. Your mirror neurons don’t care. They don’t even care about the fight between Naturists and Nurturists. Mirror neurons know that it’s both. They’re ”that” smart. Once, they stole my car. That’s what I told the police, anyway.

    “In my experience, kids can be really heartless, but somewhere around 10 to 14 years they seem to suffer an increase in conscience,”
    It starts earlier than that. Once the sense of “I” is established, interaction with peers and adults plus repetition builds up a catalog of good/bad scenarios, like “When I take Bobby’s toy, I get a toy.” vs “When Bobby takes my toy, I feel sad.” Eventually the connection is made (“When I take Bobby’s toy, Bobby is sad.”) and the development of morality can really start (from amoral to, hopefully, moral). Of course, other social issues (like deference to the Alpha male or female: “When I pick on Bobby, Randy says I’m cool”) regularly mess with it. (I tend to think of the brain as a computer that’s running a bunch of programs simultaneously, some of which are in competition with others to be “run” first, like “Me” vs “We”. It’s not a great analogy, but then I’m not one of those ivory tower eggheads. My tower is pewter. The lead is starting to get to me).
    Note that I probably got that all wrong, but it’s been a while since I was in school, and I never really paid attention in the first place.

    For more on this subject, please open your textbook and turn to chapter 6, Developmental Psychology now (as well as the other subjects that I recommended you check out earlier).

  91. markmarkmark says:

    “Uh. Huh? Why don’t you just forgive them? More reasonably, what’s to forgive? They’re exactly what you made them to be. If one student fails, it’s the student’s fault. If the whole class fail, it’s the teacher’s. And what’s with that room downstairs, with all the worms burning in unquenchable fire and the wailing and gnashing of teeth? Does Mom know?”

    talkin bout that^^

    also i mean honestly who am i kissing up too? i don’t pay attention to names here generally so yeah.

  92. chgoliz says:

    Best.Thread.Ever.

  93. JoshuaTerrell says:

    I wasn’t here for the debate, but good jokes all around.

  94. Chris Tucker says:

    Christian bashing is unfair.

    Smacking them down, on the other hand…

  95. minTphresh says:

    troofseeker, hmmm, think i’ll leave it. narrowest.view.of.the.universe.EVAR.

  96. markmarkmark says:

    human = bad

    that is the thing. ever watch babies fight, or kids in preschool be jerks, or gradeschoolers pick on a fat kid, or highschool jocks beat up a nerd, or fraternity sisters hazing new initiates, or the priests branding heretics, or scientists ostracizing ideas the don’t like, businessmen destroying communities, governments instituting unfair wars, or boingboing commenters being rude about peoples beliefs.

    we are only “good” when we choose to be good. when we follow our instincts we’re human, natural, and evil.

  97. God777 says:

    What were you doing on the beach with my boy!? I swear to me, if I have to take care of any new additions to the Christ family… I don’t want any grandchildren, dammit! I’m still seeing a shrink about what you guys did to my last relative on earth…

  98. Anonymous says:

    This conversation wouldn’t be complete without Ellen Degeneres’ version of the same joke from 2000:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tBxCyce1AI#t=2m25s

  99. markmarkmark says:

    do it
    cause a real christian will turn the other cheek again and again

  100. arkizzle says:

    Mark³

    You missed the point of the piece.

    Troof’s bit was all about God’s challenge, in setting up his little world and the tough job of telling J-bags he’d have to go down and die for people’s sins, because they were a bunch of wrong’uns. Deep down he loved them and wanted them to love him too, to choose to be with him.

    MO’s return, which you quote above, is asking why God made them ‘wrong’ in the first place.

    You talk about a handful of people really caring, and trying their hardest. But hardest against what? Sins? Original sin? Why did God invent that? Why does God not like some stuff that we were made able to do?

    What if the choice we make is not to be with him? We get punished. What sort of choice is that?

    In God’s infinite wisdom and ability, why does it appear his hands are tied on some stuff? Like he doesn’t really want us to go to hell, but y’know, gosh darn it, that’s the rules.

    Whose rules? His I presume, since he is omnipotent and perfect and the creator of time and space. If he loves us, why would any thing bad happen to anyone, ever? Why would he need to test us? Why does he demand anything of us?

    He sounds jealous and petty. (That is not an insult, but a character reading from all available evidence.)

  101. Takuan says:

    you begin to remind me of The Discourse on the Extremes of Good and Evil.

  102. Takuan says:

    I love a catchy tune!

  103. Takuan says:

    yeah,we saw both cheeks getting their fair share in the video

  104. devophill says:

    I’m a mocker.

  105. arkizzle says:

    A mocker and a scoffer?

  106. minTphresh says:

    modus! yer own damn thread! sigh. SO. FUCKING. JEALOUS. and, i believe i gave your comment the ‘MFW’ back on the original thread. i shall now lol at you. LOL.

  107. Takuan says:

    and a midnight toker?

  108. arkizzle says:

    Well, yes actually, join me?

    And, good call:

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=nIHP9o6X6D8

  109. markmarkmark says:

    somebody disagree with me please i want this conversation to continue.

  110. FoetusNail says:

    mark, mark, mark, he said, shaking his head slowly.
    Did you happen to read this comment in the Attenborough thread? If so did you have time to click the link contained therein?

    I’m not expecting you or anyone to suddenly realize you are simply living with an imaginary friend, but I would hope you would at least expect more from your friend, or at least expect them to live up to the hype.

  111. Takuan says:

    one day, again

  112. minTphresh says:

    i thought it was a ‘rod’ when u cross a rocker with a mod. tom, yer right about it being a great song, but you know he wrote that to Krishna, right? and markcubed, your breathing air that lizards could be breathing. i am pretty much done with your idiotic ramblings. as mel brooks said:”go drink the blood of your dead saviour!” jesus loves you, but most of us think you’re a jackass.

  113. Richard Kirk says:

    …and those times when you saw only one set of prints? That’s when you were walking upright, dude…

  114. arkizzle says:

    Can we just put you to bed?

  115. markmarkmark says:

    i totally read it – but the thing is, you’re looking at it from a totally different perspective then me because you are, gasp, a totally different person.

    also this – it seems like a lot of you guys don’t really get the judeo christian cosmology.
    read the wiki article on jewish ideas of heaven, seven layers and all that.

    lastly, the idea of original sin isn’t hurtful, ignoring the idea is hurtful. pretending humans are good by nature is stupid and ignorant. humans are vile creatures, sinful by nature – good by choice.
    even if you disagree with religion that fact should be obvious.

  116. markmarkmark says:

    how so? is this a compliment or an insult?

  117. markmarkmark says:

    yep nighty night happy mutants

  118. Modusoperandi says:

    I like how you signed with four tildes.

  119. Takuan says:

    “humans are vile creatures, sinful by nature – good by choice.”, nahhh, but they do taste like pork.

  120. Xopher says:

    3M, you’ve squandered our—well, my—willingness to argue with you. I’m reminded of this Zen koan:

    The first error in studying Zen may be thought of as “seeking the donkey you’re riding upon.” The second may be thought of as “having realized that you’re seeking the donkey you’re riding upon, refusing to dismount and continue seeking it.”

    Your comments at 87, which I quoted at 121, have convinced me that continuing to discuss things with you will benefit neither of us.

  121. markmarkmark says:

    i miss my dog, (rip hunter – you were a good dog and i wish you died in my arms last week instead of my brothers).

  122. FoetusNail says:

    And now I’m through with you as well, that is some seriously sick shit. Reading your comment brought this to mind, enjoy.

  123. minTphresh says:

    takuan, i thought you said the long pig gave you gas!

  124. arkizzle says:

    vile creatures, sinful by nature

    Designed by God® Inc.

  125. arkizzle says:

    Nice quote Xoph’ :)

  126. Takuan says:

    why yes, minT, but one has to keep the swim bladders trimmed.

  127. TroofSeeker says:

    ARKIZZLE
    I’ve got two sons. I love them a lot, and I’ve given them love and support all their lives, but their lives are their lives, and they can do and be what they want. I’ve never pushed them to be what I want them to be.
    I would love for them to live here with us or near to us all their lives, but if they choose a life as Illinois governor or terrorists, I’ll suffer deep sadness, but I’ll still love them, even if they die in prison. God isn’t gonna make anyone behave.
    Turns out both our boys are really good people.

  128. Takuan says:

    ah that Anthony Perkins! A model for us all.

  129. markmarkmark says:

    sorry, i kind of skimmed over it because you quoted me as
    “luke -john -matthew 87: pretending humans are good by nature is stupid and ignorant. humans are vile creatures, sinful by nature – good by choice.
    even if you disagree with religion that fact should be obvious.

    Man, where IS the Ignore button on this damn site? This comment sure made me reach for it.”

    but i mean, is it not true?
    does this not make the good in man so much more good as it requires a struggle?

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      does this not make the good in man so much more good as it requires a struggle?

      If you think that goodness is a struggle and evil is fundamental human nature (which must, perforce, be divinely designed), you have chosen one seriously fucked up god to worship.

  130. arkizzle says:

    Troof

    Should you ever fall out with your sons, and perhaps over the years never reconcile your differences (they might even, in a fit of anger, have said “I don’t love you”), maybe you accept that you will never have their love again, let alone be friends..

    At the end, on your deathbed, will you wish them eternal torment in hell?

    If not, your analogy doesn’t hold.

    If so, damn! That’s commitment.

  131. arkizzle says:

    Xopher,

    Noted, thankfully :)

  132. arkizzle says:

    All these versions are just hilarious!

  133. Takuan says:

    never understood how anyone came up with the idea of hell. It’s just so silly that keeping a straight face trying to explain to anyone especially while you were both sober makes it incredible it’s lasted the few centuries it has. Things were better before hell showed up.

  134. minTphresh says:

    arkie, u gotta son?

  135. Anonymous says:

    Modus; you’re the best, as always. ~~~~(OptyC)

  136. Xopher says:

    markmarkmark, that was kind of a joke on your posting name. No Luke, no John, no Matthew…just Mark. I thought it was funny.

    And no, I’m not going to be drawn back into that conversation.

    Ark’, thanks.

  137. arkizzle says:

    MinT

    No, but I’m entirely interested in why you’d ask.

  138. Takuan says:

    hmmm… an interesting rift….

  139. markmarkmark says:

    man typos are bad.

    The footprints poster in the background of Pineapple Express is like the best joke in the whole movie.

  140. wolfiesma says:

    Hey, I’ve been meaning to write in because I commented early in the thread about how I found the drop kickin Jesus joke so freakin hysterical. If there are people who are feeling like their beliefs are being ridiculed I’m sorry for that and speaking for myself only, that was not my intent.

    I don’t think I can really articulate why exactly it was so funny. Something to do with the quick and unexpected punchline. Something to do with how that’s obviously not something Jesus, in life or death, would ever say. And something to do with the universal experience of feeling sort of alone and bereft and fucked-over and all that. I think that is just part of the human condition whether you are religious or not, and jokes like this really help lighten the load. I guess I should sit down and study exactly why and how black humor works so well on me and others of a certain stripe, but I’m afraid that might break its magic spell.

    So,I just want to state for the record if you ever see me fall out of my chair laughing at some wicked little joke like that, please don’t think I’m laughing at you, it’s not personal, and I really don’t think it is evidence of how I am human=bad but rather human=human. I think spiritual/metaphorical/religious practice/experience is very human, not good or bad, and I sincerely hope the light of God knocks me right off my horse on the way to Damascus some sweet morning and there will be no turning back.

    Organized religion has plenty going for it, bringing inner peace and meaning to billions of people and doing a huge amount of charitable work around the world. I totally respect and admire people of deep faith and especially the work that their faith inspires them to do. (Well unless we’re talking about ostracizing homosexuals or starting wars or working actively to eliminate access to birth control, but believe me I’m the first person to say let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.)

    I love, love, love, the clash of ideas and the wonderful alchemy of all our disparate voices on these hallowed halls de boingboing, but I think it is too bad when the discussion gets personal and people get hurt. As I’ve said repeatedly, pharmaceuticals and alcohol seem to help soften the inevitable human experience of feeling shit on from time to time, but do whatever works for you. I just really didn’t want anyone thinking I was shitting on them, cause I’m not into that.

  141. markmarkmark says:

    my G-D made us good. we chose to be evil. that has been passed down to every child since adam and eve.

    all that is good is G-D, all that is sorrow is us.

  142. TroofSeeker says:

    Good morning one and all, and a very happy and
    prosperous Ground Hog’s Day to us all!

    A caterpillar chanced to meet a tick on a bush just outside of
    a cold-fusion reactor facility. Reading the sign, the caterpillar
    said “Isn’t it wonderful that the humans are trying so hard to
    develop energy sources that don’t polute the Earth or exhaust
    natural resources?”
    ”Bah!” Said the tick. “It’s phony B-S. The government is
    making up this bluff to hide the millions they spend on $300
    hammers so they can get kick-backs from lobbyists and
    contractors. Hey! Are you listening to me?”
    The caterpillar was busy spinning a cocoon around himself.
    “I’m talking to you!” Said an angry tick. “If we don’t have the
    capacity to comprehend what’s going on in there, then it can’t
    be real! What are you doing?!”
    “I’m cocooning.” Replied the caterpillar. “I’m going to
    metamorphosize and I’m gonna fly away on big, beautiful wings!”
    “Oh brother, are you naive!” Replied the tick, yelling into the
    last opening of the cocoon.
    “I don’t understand it all,” echoed the voice of the caterpillar,
    “but I believe it. I really think I’m going to fly!”
    “You’re just a bug, like me- a crawler. Give up this rediculous
    dream of flying and wait with me for some dog to wonder by.
    The most you can hope for in life is a warm dog with blunt claws.”
    The tick eventually settled for a stinky opossum, and never saw
    the caterpillar again.

  143. barjoe says:

    The ‘cruelty’ that exists in a presumed ‘created’ world has been remarked on by many, see William Blake’s poetry for a few examples.

    Some take the existence of the ‘cruelty’ as a proof of the impossibility of a loving God creating the world, others don’t.

    The real argument, I suggest, is between those who try to help their fellow humans, and those who don’t.

  144. arkizzle says:

    Everyone else, please excuse my rash tone..

    MARK MARK MARK!!!!!!

    Good night.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      Mark,
      If we are created in God’s image and we are evil, then God is evil. If God is good, then we are good. Pick one story and stick with it. And for heaven’s sake stop blaming God for your self-hatred and martyrdom. We are all already perfect. All that remains is to uncover the true self within us.

  145. Modusoperandi says:

    markmarkmark “also this – it seems like a lot of you guys don’t really get the judeo christian cosmology.”
    also this – it seems like a lot of you guys don’t really get the Indeo-Hindu cosmology.

    “read the wiki article on jewish ideas of heaven, seven layers and all that.”
    All I can say about Kabbalah is that one can midrash in just about anything when there’s little to no data with which to form a hypothesis.
    Perhaps you should read the wiki article on Hindu ideas of heaven, seven layers and all that (I kid you not. You haven’t lived until you’ve knocked back a brew on Jana Loka).

    “lastly, the idea of original sin isn’t hurtful, ignoring the idea is hurtful.”
    Lastly, the idea of a lengthy and unbroken line of common descent, with component parts being repurposed, built upon and occasionally abandoned, resulting in a functional and beautiful but messy and imperfect physical you, complete with your own equally functional and beautiful but messy and imperfect “I”, overlayed and modified by your cultural legacy, isn’t hurtful, ignoring the idea in exchange for the fiction of a past history of a perfect world/universe that patently did not exist is hurtful.

    “pretending humans are good by nature is stupid and ignorant. humans are vile creatures, sinful by nature – good by choice.”
    What a horrible philosophy.
    We aren’t good or bad by nature. We’re human by nature. That’s both of those. Both are built in, thanks to a long an messy line from a social species lacking tooth and claw. “I” and “we” are in constant conflict, with “we” winning more often than not (or we wouldn’t have made it this far. One person v lion = fat and content lion. Many people v lion = many men + fur bikinis), and “we” being distinctly small tribal groupings up until the very recent past, on the evolutionary timeline. Pick up some books on evo-psych, like Primates and Philosophers: How Morality Evolved, and ones on Cognitive neuroscience to see how we got here and why we are the way we are). There’s no need to posit a Holy Spirit or a Fall for reciprocal altruism or why we’re jerks sometimes.

    “even if you disagree with religion that fact should be obvious.”
    Apparently, we’re using different facts.

    Takuan “never understood how anyone came up with the idea of hell.”
    I have the same problem with yogurt.

    “It’s just so silly that keeping a straight face trying to explain to anyone especially while you were both sober makes it incredible it’s lasted the few centuries it has.”
    It probably made sense when everything was caused by forces outside Man’s control. Luckily, demons don’t make my cow’s milk go sour and Thor doesn’t throw lightning bolts at my hut anymore. I’m just glad that the Aztecs pulled out enough hearts so that they could leave a surplus, resulting in daily sunrises that continue up to the present. I hope I’m not around when they finally run out. Huitzilopochtli’s gonna be pissed.

  146. Modusoperandi says:

    Pah! Another comment went to moderation!

    Since when are Amazon.com and Wikipedia considered to be moderatable offenses?

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      The filter doesn’t like multiple links to the same domain, but now that it’s got itself a taste of your sweet, sweet linkage, you’re screwed.

      • Antinous / Moderator says:

        Okay, I’ve ordered it to trust you. Either that will work or the men in black will be at your house in fifteen minutes.

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