fixed your thing.

I think it has a lot to do with how it is ALWAYS easier to put down someone’s efforts rather than help raise them up. Except in the case of hot chicks and penises.

In general I agree with your article, Danny, instead of just sulking / emoting, turn it into something positive!

It does help to remember that many, many people are profoundly limited, many damaged.

I’ve found one book profoundly helpful in this regard–Coping with Difficult People. Branham is the author, I believe.

He shows that difficult people fall into fairly regular patterns, and can generally be dealt with with fairly formulaic kinds of responses. These responses–which are easy to learn–are also deeply empowering, and often re-orient the “haters” or help them see things in a different light.

I not only keep the book around for handy reference, I bought an audio version of the book and pop in different tapes regularly. I don’t find particular comments any less maddening, but I do manage more effectively now as a result.

Danny is right to grow from encounters like this. But I’d prefer not to think of these folks as “haters”–a dehumanizing term. If we can humanize them, and even develop some empathy for our attackers, we cease to feel “one down” and become more focused on the rational problem-solving of how to deal with a difficult person.

peace.

very i-ching.

I don’t think Danny’s posts are lacking in analysis or substance. I wouldn’t mind more thoughts on why westerners are fascinated by Japanese culture. Bring on more posts!

Danny Choo for CEO for life of Federated Media!!!

Danny Choo: Internet heart throb, cultural ambassador currently in good standing, noted friend to the animals, forests and oceans of the world! Honorary family member of a pod of humpback whales! He once briefly united the two Irelands but didn’t want to force people to do anything they didn’t want so he put them back the way they were but replaced the weapons with ice cream and the more recent works of Corey Doctorow.

…failing those titles, full time writer for boingboing.net would be nice.

I enjoy being bombastic?

I feel that haters also serve as teaching aids and cautionary tales.

1) Haters can teach us that you Never internalize someone else’s frame, or even go so far as to personalize it as some kind of negative judgment on the atomic substance of you.

2) They can teach us that (especially in interpersonal psych.) the Overwhelming majority of people say and do things because of who They are; -Not who you are.
–One of the games I like to play when I encounter ~haters is “What Kind of Person _____?” ie: “What kind of person decides they hate a total stranger they know ~basically nothing about?”

3) They can teach us to focus our efforts, b/c people do not change unless they Really want to; -> so, you can’t change or control them. (you ~may try to Influence, but you have to balance benefit/cost)

4) They remind us that indeed, everyone is different; good, bad, &/or ugly.

5) In a way, they can remind us to (if necessary) make sure we are valuing ourselves well enough; and if not, to take appropriate action to improve our self-esteem, etc.

6) They also can remind you to Authentically take up your share of ‘space’ in this life, Forthrightly ‘be yourself’ in every possible sense of the term, and run the Social Chemistry Experiment with blistering honesty, whatever the results may be.
-Because as you see, no matter what you do a)That same Hater will still #$%&-ing hate you and/or b) Somebody else will step up to hate you in their place. -> So if you’re ultimately #$%&-ed for some people, you might as well be that and do it your own Goddamn way.

-There are probably other things on that list too.

Honestly, the ultimate result of my “What Kind of Person _____?”-game almost always turns out to be :
The type of person who _____ is an insecure, self-conscious, low-value person who feels bad about themselves somehow.

Truly high-value people are not super-reactive, and do not ‘get’ their value by ‘taking’ it out of or by dissing others.

I find that a few personality characteristics somehow instantly smoke out ~haters. I don’t know why/particularly what, but they’re a polarizing influence.
It is interesting to see the wheat from the chaff sorted so quickly. In an odd way, I view it as a convenience and a time-saver. It can keep you from spending time with people who are actually kinda uncool.

It’s sad and ironic that my most productive periods are sometimes wrought with grumbling and complaining about someone doing me wrong. Thankfully I’m pretty good about channeling that energy into positive pursuits.

I try to focus on the positive things now and leave them to deal with their own problems (of course there are days when this doesn’t work) but in general I do ok.

I think you can safely say, Danny, that oodles more people love you than hate you :)

I enjoying reading your blog Danny! You voiced
the feelings of many. Keep up the good work!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxxPLDZnqwA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQRbDSwZIME

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-nWDs9BVNk

Excuse me, but I must go. According to my biggest “fan” I’m past due to kick a puppy, eat a baby and desecrate various sacred objects from the world’s great religions.

I found life in Japan almost the opposite. There was so little personal resonance or exchange that, although I made “friends” easily with Japanese colleagues, it was a lonely time.

– Tommer

I’ve now had to deal with three different people, all with different methods and motives, who have left unpleasant comments on my blog, one of them posting in the wake of a deliberately insulting and poorly written email addressed to the magazine I help a friend publish.

The latter was infuriating — and he knew it and relished it. He bragged (rather unconvincingly) about how he had tormented some editors to the point where they had been institutionalized.

Since I come from a rough background, my instinctive response to disrespect is to feel threatened. “If you let them disrespect you, it’s the first step in an escalating process that ends in violence,” is what my childhood tells me.

When I first read his message I replied with a good deal of invective going over what he’d written point by point, pointing out errors in grammar, spelling, style, etc.

Which he just loved. It gave him an opportunity to do a little victory dance.

But when I found that the article this particular person had repeatedly commanded me to read was about how resentful he was at not being published by the New Yorker I realized that this was someone with problems.

Then he submitted fiction to another magazine edited by my partner, who of course recycled it. It’s not like the guy could write in the first place.

I started to feel sorry for him — here was someone who really wanted to be published and who insisted on maintaining hostile relationships with editors as a group. It did seem sad to me.

But then one of his co-workers left a comment on my blog that said the gentleman in question was every bit as abusive in person as he was at long-distance.

It’s funny — with each dose of unprovoked hostility I get on the net, the less they seem to matter. Maybe one day I’ll be able to just let ‘em go.

that’ll show them haters !

and @41. i noticed your other post today included a star trek reference. fixed my thing did you ? good for you !

It’s definitely hard to do without repeated practice, but turning toward what you want will give you greater and greater leverage in life. Happiness will start to creep in, then gradually all those haters will magically move away, die, or change into nicer people. Poof!

And BTW, you bless them for your sake, not theirs.

I don’t think I’m a hater, but one thing I’ve noticed is that when someone really bugs me, it’s because I see in them something that I recognize and do not like within myself. Then when I figure out what it is, that generally defuses it.

They make you angry, and then this anger be redirected into getting things done. Anger is raw confidence, a mix of hormones that make the blood boil.

If you’re not angry from time to time you’re not properly alive.

At the same time, different levels of adveristy can effect you differently. Someone yelling at you versus your entire family dying in a plane crash can be two different kinds of adversity and can affect you entirely differently due to their varying intensity of emotion they bring up (as they are the motivator or stumbling block).

As an example, I once published a comic called ‘Crackbaby’. I had a theory about black comedy and social commentary that I wanted to experiment on through comics. Everyone I knew said I wouldn’t follow through and would never accomplish it (mainly cause I’m bipolar). Then my grlfriend told me the same and that hurt alot. But I decided to turn that into my motivating force. I would show them all that I could do it and I did it.

But then Diamond comic distributors didn’t distribute it but then there comic review board for the second time in history gave a 100% thumbs up thus overriding their decision and they carried it.

It was highlighted in Wizard magazine and won rave reviews.

So adversity can be a highly motivating factor for some (myself included) but again, it depends upon the intensity of emotion created by the adversity, the adveristy itself(as some react differently to different situations) and the length of time it persists.