"Your business card is CRAP!"

Not to mention, a business card is 3.5"x2". Everytime I have a customer do something different than that, they come back to me a month later to reprint at the regular size, saying that people complained that their card didn't fit in a business card holder.

Just sayin'.

-a printer

Take a look at this

#12 posted by vermeer99, April 20, 2009 3:32 PM

THE "YOUR BUSINESS CARD IS CRAP" GUY TEACHES US HOW TO PACK

http://videogum.com/archives/viral-video/the-your-business-card-is-crap_063641.html

Take a look at this

#13 posted by blunted, April 20, 2009 3:33 PM

Song: Love is Pain, Joan Jett and the Heartbreakers

credit to my GF on that one.

Take a look at this

#14 posted by curiouser, April 20, 2009 3:34 PM

MORE BUSINESS CARD THAN YOUR ROLODEX HAS ROOM FOR!

Just sayin'

Take a look at this

#15 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 3:36 PM

doesn't belong in a rolodex...belongs in the trash with the rest of the flyers

Take a look at this

#16 posted by Wingo , April 20, 2009 3:36 PM

I love this guy. He has a few other completely un-business-card-related that are equally as entertaining.

I like this one where he describes his bad-ass and deadly martial arts skills while man-handling his frightened/embarrassed daughter:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5717666490850869908&hl=en

Take a look at this

#17 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 3:37 PM

I bet his website is full of flash format crap. Everything about him screams "Not User Friendly".

Take a look at this

#18 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 3:39 PM

That's what you might call a tincture of arrogance. This man has more self-confidence than can fit in MY rolodex, that's for sure.

Take a look at this

#19 posted by Dr Triffid, April 20, 2009 3:48 PM

You see this card? This card right here? The one that doesn't fit in my case with the cards I consider to be important? It's going right in the trash can right there. It's a $40 trash can.

Take a look at this

#20 posted by nanner, April 20, 2009 3:50 PM

yay Joan Jett "Love is Pain" whoo hooo

Take a look at this

#21 posted by RLL, April 20, 2009 3:51 PM

And if someone DOES have a better card than I do, at least I know he's handled my ass pennies.

Take a look at this

#22 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 3:54 PM

Wow, that's really effective—when I'm in the market for an insufferable asshole, I know just who I'm calling.

Take a look at this

#23 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 3:55 PM

I'm a CEO. Do you really think I am going to hire this clown for his business card? I'm the alfa male here buddy, not you and your $4 business card.

Take a look at this

#24 posted by Brother Provisional, April 20, 2009 3:58 PM

That's the single ugliest excuse for a business card I've ever seen, and having been so foolish to have wasted 4 years of my life working for Kinkos, I've seen a lot of crap cards in my time.
His one valid point is the stock. 60lb is shyte for this application. Your card stock should be like a good handshake; firm, confident, but not uncomfortably rigid. You should also be able to cut up a line of chalk with it in your executive restroom.
Otherwise, this guys card is the equivalent of showing up for a job interview wearing a rainbow clown wig.

This deserves an American Psycho chaser. Take it away, Christian.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoIvd3zzu4Y

Take a look at this

#25 posted by Ogus Monk, April 20, 2009 3:59 PM

My Business card is made of the flesh from all the Chapter 11 and 13, combined with foreclosures and stuff... Argh!

Acknowledge me!!!

Take a look at this

#26 posted by Brawndo, April 20, 2009 3:59 PM

"It doesn't fit in a Rolodex." Or a wallet. Or anywhere else convenient, where other business cards fit. Fits in the trash can, though.

This guy handing his "business card" to me is pretty much him saying, "Hey, would you mind throwing this out for me?."

"Life isn't about being liked."

I'm sure I'd think so too, if I was an obnoxious blowhard who spent 25 years designing my business card. And failing at it.

Take a look at this

#27 posted by oldtaku, April 20, 2009 4:00 PM

This is the most douchebaggy thing I've seen for at least a month. And it makes me somewhat sad that he can make money being a professional douchebag. It's every Sales Guy Cliche in one.

Take a look at this

#28 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:02 PM

but I like to use the ones that hold a crease for 'frisbee duty'.

Take a look at this

#29 posted by Sekino, April 20, 2009 4:03 PM

What if the clients/partners want to put it in a rolodex; ya know, because they're organized??

This guy needs to watch the business card etiquette in Japan post.

Take a look at this

#30 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:03 PM

So full of win.

Take a look at this

#31 posted by GauchoAmigo, April 20, 2009 4:06 PM

"And if someone DOES have a better card than I do, at least I know he's handled my ass pennies."

WIN!

Take a look at this

#32 posted by huntsu, April 20, 2009 4:07 PM

100-1 odds it won't fit in my card scan and he would annoy me too much to actually type his info into ACT! So his card would essentially mean I wouldn't contact him again.

Wanker.

Take a look at this

#33 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:12 PM

OMG. He's a giant gaping arsehole and you all are hilarious!

Take a look at this

#34 posted by IWood, April 20, 2009 4:13 PM

New card. What do you think? Picked them up from the printers yesterday.

That's bone. And the lettering is something called Silian Rail.

Take a look at this

#35 posted by LeavingHalfway, April 20, 2009 4:16 PM

I would just like to thank vermeer99 for TOTALLY UPPPING THE CRAZY in that link. As the other site says, "luckily, the crazy starts at :01 and doesn't let up until 20:54, so you can enjoy it for as long as you want, but if you're like me, you won't be able to look away."

Take a look at this

#36 posted by GauchoAmigo, April 20, 2009 4:16 PM

This could be satire. But, as a printer, I've had real people who are bigger douches than this guy come into my shop. They usually leave when they find out how much it costs to do all that stuff.

Take a look at this

#37 posted by Brainspore, April 20, 2009 4:18 PM

That video was either a brilliant bit of satirical performance art or horrific window into the dark psychosis of a marketing consultant's brain. I'd visit his website but I'm afraid it could be the latter.

Take a look at this

#38 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:20 PM

Here's my website. Took me 25 years to design. Google can't index it, because IT DOESN'T BELONG ON GOOGLE. It's so impressive, that you can't look away, even if you hate my content.

Take a look at this

#39 posted by LeavingHalfway, April 20, 2009 4:25 PM

Oh, and, I would like to note:

It's got[!] fifty -five pockets in it. You can distribute thirty-five pounds of gear. You can put your laptop inside this pocket, your sunglasses, it holds everything, cash, everything, when you literally carry this through, and place it in the checkout you can have all the things that you were going to carry in a case in the jacket[!]. It's the ultimate travel jacket. It also has special hi-tech, touch-sensitive plastic for controlling iPods™ and iPhones™, enabling you to have touch-sensitivity and control...

Oh yes, and more. Much, much, more. Go watch that.

Take a look at this

#40 posted by Jack, April 20, 2009 4:26 PM

I think my suggestion was crap because I suggested this link about a week ago.

Might get one of these d-bag cards so I can impress in the future.

Take a look at this

#41 posted by Rezpect, April 20, 2009 4:27 PM

Doucheasaurus Rex

Take a look at this

#42 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:27 PM

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5658020957574434771

One amazing skill this guys has is the ability to video himself so that his head is utterly still while the background changes. Thinks he does 2 complete revolutions on this video. It's like the slowest, most annoying ride evah.

Take a look at this

#43 posted by Takuan, April 20, 2009 4:28 PM

ahhh yasss, please, please let me live long enough to see him do a meishi exchange in Japan.

Take a look at this

#44 posted by arborman, April 20, 2009 4:28 PM

I must admit my first instinct would be to punch him in the nose if he talked like that to me.

But maybe I play too many violent video games. DIE TURTLES DIE!

Take a look at this

#45 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:28 PM

"I spent the last 25 years shoving 100 business cards a day up my ass. I guarantee every one of you have handled one of my ass business cards. You think you're better than me?"

Take a look at this

#46 posted by Mycroft, April 20, 2009 4:30 PM

He doesn't put his title on his card because his title is Biggest Douchebag in America.

Take a look at this

#47 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:32 PM

your youtube video is crap.

i need a shower now.

Take a look at this

#48 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:32 PM

Let's see: two minutes dedicated face time, attitude coming out of his ass & his ears, an attention grabbing presentation.

What's his name? Who knows? He doesn't say it ever

What's his company's name? "Crowds Guaranteed"? Or is that just a slogan?

If you can't do those two simple things: "Hi, my name is --- and my company is ---," you have failed.

Take a look at this

#49 posted by sworm, April 20, 2009 4:35 PM

The sad thing is, it isn't a nice card. It's too flashy.

It's like a corvette vs. a maybach.

Take a look at this

#50 posted by Antinous / Moderator, April 20, 2009 4:36 PM

How is it possible that this gentleman doesn't have a Wikipedia article?

Take a look at this

#51 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:37 PM

Egomaniac much?

Take a look at this

#52 posted by LB, April 20, 2009 4:43 PM

This is BoingBoing. We've seen business cards that can pick locks, cut steak, and turn into catapults. Good sir, can your business card do any of these?

Take a look at this

#53 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:47 PM

Yes, this being BoingBoing, I was expecting a business card literally made out of recycled crap.

Take a look at this

#54 posted by hackedbychinese, April 20, 2009 4:49 PM

This guy's name is Joel Bauer. He's an infotainer, using a combination of social engineering, mentalist/illusionist tricks, advertising and marketing tricks, etc. to help bring attention to your company or idea. He's a personal friend of my boss, and he actually performed some trade shows for us.

He's a really intense guy, and maybe comes off cheesy or even creepy at times, but he's very entertaining and genuinely nice. He's also _very_ good at what he does. Admittedly, I don't know much about all of that, so maybe I'm easily impressed. He did some pretty fun magic tricks, but maybe obsesses over this sort of image minutiae too deeply for my tastes.

Take a look at this

#55 posted by Antinous / Moderator, April 20, 2009 4:52 PM

I was expecting a business card literally made out of recycled crap.

You mean like paper made from Tasmanian wombat poo?

Take a look at this

#56 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 4:54 PM

He's like a slightly smarter Gob Bluth.

Take a look at this

#57 posted by EnglishNerd, April 20, 2009 4:57 PM

Followed link vermeer99 posted in #12 and I'm so glad. Just when I thought I couldn't love him more he unpacks his suitcase! I've missed the mutants while locked away writing for a degree. You all find the best stuff on the internet...

Take a look at this

#58 posted by takeshi, April 20, 2009 4:58 PM

My business card is a pipe bomb.

Take a look at this

#59 posted by stosh machek, April 20, 2009 4:58 PM

i pity his children

Take a look at this

#60 posted by buddy66, April 20, 2009 4:58 PM

What's a meishi exchange in Japan like, Takuan?

Take a look at this

#61 posted by Brainspore, April 20, 2009 5:02 PM

@ HackedByChinese #54: The fact that this guy would willingly refer to himself as an "infotainer" doesn't help his case in the likability department.

I'm sure he's probably a decent guy in person, but for all I know so is that bearded dude on TV who screams at the top of his lungs about OxyClean and the ShamWow!

Take a look at this

#62 posted by stew, April 20, 2009 5:15 PM

I came for American Psycho, was not disappointed. I always thought a business card was for the quick exchange of information, if you need a pamphlet, make a pamphlet.

Take a look at this

#63 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 5:16 PM

This guy is the real deal.

Take a look at this

#64 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 5:17 PM

was this from Saturday Night Live ???

Take a look at this

#65 posted by robulus, April 20, 2009 5:30 PM

Wait wait wait, so is he saying his card doesn't hold a crease?

"I'll have the 500gsm surgical grade silicon stock thankyou my good Printer!"

Take a look at this

#66 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 5:35 PM

Man, I have been designing business cards wrong for years...If only I had thought to make them enormous monstrosities with a picture of the bearer on them, I would be much more successful by now.

Take a look at this

#67 posted by Takuan, April 20, 2009 5:43 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv0wn0Kk1r8

Take a look at this

#68 posted by Takuan, April 20, 2009 5:48 PM

or conversely
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCKjctTWIsw&feature=related

Take a look at this

#69 posted by Takuan, April 20, 2009 5:51 PM

business cards are a serious matter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Un2slS7q5Zw&feature=related

Take a look at this

#70 posted by demidan, April 20, 2009 5:59 PM

HEHEHE! The comments here are vastly better than Capt. Asshat's business card. I bet having a "Power" lunch with him would be very entertaining.

"Oh god it's him again."

Take a look at this

#71 posted by buddy66, April 20, 2009 6:00 PM

Hooo! The mysterious East...

ありがとう

Take a look at this

#72 posted by ZippySpincycle, April 20, 2009 6:01 PM

I think he needs a different song. A song about the American Dream... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvhQqrTWLYY

Take a look at this

#73 posted by innerabove, April 20, 2009 6:07 PM

Wait, wait, wait.

Did he just use "trepanation" with "application" in the same sentence? With a lead-in like that, I would have expected his card to be a LOT more dangerous-looking.

Take a look at this

#74 posted by misterfricative, April 20, 2009 6:18 PM

I just did the math. This guy is 25 years old and it took him 25 years to design this cadillac of business cards. People, he was three years into this project by the time he hit kindergarten. You just can't compete with dedication like that, and that's why his business card is more super awesome than yours will ever be.

'Don't let not having the tools be your trepidation.' Words to live by.

Take a look at this

#75 posted by pinehead, April 20, 2009 6:22 PM

I feel like I got gypped. All these years, and MY asshole has never drawn a crowd or had a $4 card.

"Life isn't about being liked," he says. Actually, I've found that being liked is a very important part of life. Being liked feels good, don't you think? When people like you, they're also more willing to work with you. Working with you means both of you getting results. Getting results, finally, means getting paid.

He has "desperate salesman" written all over his face. That's not a good thing to see.

Take a look at this

#76 posted by BCJ, April 20, 2009 6:41 PM

To be fair, I think his suitcase video has a couple of good suggestions

Take a look at this

#77 posted by jeremyhogan, April 20, 2009 6:48 PM

When someone hands me an oversized, overwrought business card, it's like they're saying "here, you throw this away". With apologies to Mitch Hedberg.

Take a look at this

#78 posted by aplombtom, April 20, 2009 6:57 PM

I love the outright hostility with, "What do you do guaranteed?"

This guy beats his dog. Guaranteed.

Take a look at this

#79 posted by jeremyhogan, April 20, 2009 6:57 PM

@hackedbychinese

"he's actually really good at what he does"

But... *this* is what he does, no? And it's shite.

Take a look at this

#80 posted by Chocolatey Shatner, April 20, 2009 7:15 PM

I can't help but imagine that if this guy saw how many people were commenting on his little video here, he'd just lean back and smile.

Take a look at this

#81 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 7:25 PM

I bet this guy learned everything he knows from Bill Brasky.

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/bill-brasky-brasky-buddies/1929908432

Take a look at this

#82 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 7:50 PM

OMG I cant imagine working for this douche bag

Take a look at this

#83 posted by doplgangr, April 20, 2009 8:17 PM

what an idiot. that's what we call a real 'customer from hell' where i work. he'll pay 40 bucks to run a standard business card-sized ad in a program, then give you something like that to work with.

#11 called it right. the doofus has a problem understanding the difference between a business card and a brochure.

Take a look at this

#84 posted by misterfricative, April 20, 2009 8:17 PM

Chocolatey Shatner #80 sez 'I can't help but imagine that if this guy saw how many people were commenting on his little video here, he'd just lean back and smile.'

Sure. But he might not be so smiley if he actually read them.

(Except surely he's taking the piss? Is it really possible to be this much of an ass-hat and not realize it?)

Take a look at this

#85 posted by hobartimus, April 20, 2009 8:17 PM

#63 posted by Anonymous,

yeah, the real dealdeaux

Take a look at this

#86 posted by anthropomorphictoast, April 20, 2009 8:39 PM

@#24: Thank you for that American Psycho chaser...that was totally the first thing that came to mind when I saw this.

As a career graphic designer, I think some people take this sh!t waaaay too seriously.

Take a look at this

#87 posted by Rossi, April 20, 2009 8:44 PM

This is not, I repeat, not satire. I have run into this guy in the wild and this is how he talks in casual conversation.

I'll give him that 85+ comments on BB almost certainly qualifies as a "crowd" and remind that he believes life is not about being liked, so he probably wouldn't complain about the content of the comments.

Take a look at this

#88 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 9:15 PM

Can you get a business card in the shape of a sphincter?

Take a look at this

#89 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 9:16 PM

Right now, he's padding his resume, and self-marketing brochure with how AWESOMELY POPULAR he is on the Intrawebs, and the MILLIONS of page views of his videos.

He will use this information to suck in the Regional Sales Director for 21st Better Century Max Real Estate, who will pay this asshat $$$ to speak at the next quarterly seminar.

At said seminar, Joel Bauer will attempt to seduce disaffected housewives who've taken up secondary careers in real estate, and will secret them away to his "free suite".

If we all pray hard enough, and are really, really lucky -- some housewife's husband will burst in, and shoot him in the head.

Take a look at this

#90 posted by tuckels, April 20, 2009 9:16 PM

He has possibly the worst website I have every seen: http://www.infotainer.com/infotainer/
I only saw the home page, because you can't go anywhere else without giving him your email address.

Take a look at this

#91 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 9:43 PM

Two words: Camera Tripod

Take a look at this

#92 posted by Gaudeamus, April 20, 2009 10:28 PM

There's such a pain in my abdomen from laughing so hard at this guy. Wow.

Take a look at this

#93 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 10:53 PM

I like him. Am I crazy that I like him? Clearly I'm in the minority. I think he's kind of cool, even if I don't buy into his pitch. Maybe I've just gotten to the point where I realize everyone is genuine and disingenuous in their own ways and sometimes just being yourself is a good refreshing quality. I hate how everyone labels him a douche. Why do that? He is in his own niche. So what? If anything he's learned from years of experience what works with people. So in some ways, his personality is a reflection of what others want in his field. He would probably say "Call me a douche, this is the "me" that my clients want" or something like that.

I don't like any of his stuff necessarily, and yet I feel the world needs guys like him. If I met a girl like him though, I might run away.

I wouldn't put too much weight behind the tie color to close the deal as he states in his packing video. However, let's say he's done 5000 presentations, he may have the numbers to prove that the damn tie color works. Which is another reason I like him. Because if he's working for you to present your product, you would expect him to pull out every pro-tip he knows. This guy is a walking Pro-tip.

I sort of wish he carried some organic USA made Converse all-star sneakers in his bag, black of course.

Take a look at this

#94 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 10:53 PM

His card is almost as tall as his hair implant.

Take a look at this

#95 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 11:04 PM

It fits in the trash.

Seriously, I thought this was a comedy skit.

Take a look at this

#96 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 11:05 PM

I have a ten gallon Rolodex for odd sized cards, I transfer that to a 30 gallon Rolodex weekly, just before collection.

Take a look at this

#97 posted by Anonymous, April 20, 2009 11:13 PM

douche

Take a look at this

#98 posted by Antinous / Moderator, April 20, 2009 11:20 PM

Am I crazy that I like him?

If I turned off the sound and pretended that it was still the 80s and had a few cocktails, he was almost hot.

Take a look at this

#99 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 12:00 AM

I prefer the subliminal translation:

"Don't let not having the tool be your trepidation.

You see that penis? Cheap.
Strathmore stock. Sixty pound.
Holds a crease.
Can you tear it? Absolutely.

Looks like crap?
It is crap.

It's the same size as every other penis in my hand that you guys just gave me.

These aren't even your penises.

That penis looks like crap too.
One color. Nothin' special about it.

...

But I will never make a criticism... if I don't have... a resolution.

You see this penis?
This is the most impressive penis I've ever seen. It's mine.

It took me twenty-five years to grow it.

This penis is expensive.

It doesn't fit in a Rolodex...
...because it doesn't belong in a Rolodex.

My penis is die-cut.
My penis is foil-stamped.
My penis is embossed.

Crowds guaranteed.
(You're kidding?)

My penis tells you about the result I generate.

I build crowds. Guaranteed.

What do YOU do that's guaranteed?"

Take a look at this

#100 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 12:06 AM

I know this guy. He's a scarry good magician named Joel Bauer. Does a lot of corporate shows and conventions. Anyone who has attended N.A.B. (Natl.Assoc.of Broadcasters) in Vegas may have seen him. And yep, he has a high opinion of himself. Actually a pretty good guy. Great illusionist.
And he does build crowds. Big ones. I was there
in '99 with Panasonic and he killed for us.

Take a look at this

#101 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 12:25 AM

What a tool.

Take a look at this

#102 posted by edgore, April 21, 2009 12:34 AM

While his card may have many features, it is not freaking center die-cut. Best business card I ever had...oh, Angry Monkey, where art thou....? All I had to do was gently wave that card in the air, pretending that I did not care, and potential mates would present themselves to me - line forming to the right.

And my card was the *worst* card at all of Angry Monkey. There was one card, that, if you bowed and gave it to a client, would cause them to instantly be devoured by a swarm of parasitic worms. The card was formed from a thinly pressed sheet of their eggs. Hand sweat was all that was required to revive them and send them into an eating (and internal egg laying) frenzy

Take a look at this

#103 posted by nzruss, April 21, 2009 2:54 AM

Reminds me of the guy Ken in 'Bee movie' (played by Patrick Warburton):

Ken: Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? It folds out... It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top ten favorite movies.

ANDY: What’s your number one? Star Wars?

KEN: Ah, I don’t go for that, pew-pew, kind of stuff..

KEN: When I walk out of a job interview they’re flabbergasted. They can’t believe the things I say!

Take a look at this

#104 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 2:57 AM

love is a pain by joan jett & the blackhearts
tekmunch.com

Take a look at this

#105 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 4:30 AM

This guy thinks he's the king? All I have to say is Bill Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Take a look at this

#106 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 5:00 AM

This is actually the guy featured in goatse.

Take a look at this

#107 posted by A Nonny Moose, April 21, 2009 5:18 AM

Can you say "Self-important tool"? This guy can. Funny thing is, he hasn't a clue that it's self-referential.

Take a look at this

#108 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 5:21 AM

Lol, I've had this favorited on Youtube for the last week or so, shown it to several friends, and now have a piece of paper proclaiming "[my business card] Doesn't fit in a rolodex, because it doesn't BELONG in a rolodex!"hanging next to my desk. As a graphic designer myself, I couldn't help but lawlz. XD

-Camolai

Take a look at this

#109 posted by watman, April 21, 2009 5:25 AM

That gave me a good laugh. Thank you.

Take a look at this

#110 posted by Steve Schnier, April 21, 2009 5:36 AM

The guy won. He did what he says he does. He draws a crowd. You may not like him or his card, but he's certainly effective.

Take a look at this

#111 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 5:44 AM

He should be giving away kewpie dolls...I wouldn't let him in the front door.

Take a look at this

#112 posted by Moriarty, April 21, 2009 6:14 AM

"Yes, this being BoingBoing, I was expecting a business card literally made out of recycled crap."

Actually, pretty much every business card is just that. Paper is a renewable resource made from biomass that grows from organic waste. For that matter, plastic is also recycled biomass, although on a vastly longer timeframe. It's also "renewable," just sloowly renewable.

Take a look at this

#113 posted by Blaine, April 21, 2009 6:31 AM

People who think just drawing a crowd is enough:

Sure, if you hire him to draw a crowd for your competitor... because all the crowd is thinking is what a douche he is and are incredibly turned off.

A fire will also draw a crowd, but torching your business isn't necessarily "guaranteed success".

Take a look at this

#114 posted by adamnvillani, April 21, 2009 6:44 AM

I watched the video on his website and seen the testimonials from a couple of you up there, and I'm still confused as to what exactly this guy does other than promote himself.

He's very vague about that... OK, there will be crowds. And he will act professionally. But what sort of needs will he be fulfilling? Say I'm a company. A big company. It looks like he wants to speak at big corporate events. What will my company get out of having him speak? More sales? More production? Everything about this guy is so meta... he's great at "what he does," the testimonials about how great he is to work with, the video clip here promoting himself. What is this guy's value-added? Why would I pay to see this guy talk about himself?

Take a look at this

#115 posted by Starbug, April 21, 2009 7:10 AM

Ugh. This douche reminds me of a guy I lived with in the early 90s. Thanks, BB, for reminding me why I broke up with him!

Take a look at this

#116 posted by Halloween Jack, April 21, 2009 7:41 AM

Just looked at his web site... with the shadow behind him that has strings going from his fingers to the crowd, manipulating them all marionette-like. Gosh, I know that I'd pay tall coin to hire a motivational speaker who thinks that he's a Marvel supervillain.

Take a look at this

#117 posted by joelfreeman, April 21, 2009 7:45 AM

Originally I had God working on the design. He spent years trying to perfect it but it never made the final cut. Still, the zebra thing was pretty cool.

Take a look at this

#118 posted by Cepphus Grylle, April 21, 2009 7:46 AM

This guy guarantees crowds. He got one. He is good at what he does.

Should a CEO of a software corporation have the same business card as this guy? No. But this guy probably has the right card for his job.

His job is promotion. Today he used an unusual card to do his job. Even if he never hands out another one of those cards, today it was well worth $4.

Take a look at this

#119 posted by Takuan, April 21, 2009 7:49 AM

heh! when receiving such a person's card, politely look at it while talking with him and then ask him to hold a moment. Dig around in your wallet, desk drawer, pocket or even waste basket and fish out a discarded business card. Looking earnestly at his car, scribble his first name and last initial on the scrap card and then copy the phone number (making a mistake on at least one digit). Maybe make an illegible notation on the other side. Then with a smile offer back his card saying" Yeah, these don't fit in my rolodex, but I got your number". If he doesn't move quickly enough, add "Oh, I guess you have a million of these." and flip his $4 card into the wastebasket.

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#120 posted by Blue, April 21, 2009 8:04 AM

From reading the comments, I see this guy is for real. That blows my mind.

I was creased up and congratulating this guy for out-Gervaising Ricky Gervais. My only criticism was that I thought the look-to-camera was a little too obviously 'The Office' and gave the game away.

But it's all real. F-ing Awesome.

Take a look at this

#121 posted by peter x, April 21, 2009 8:45 AM

YEAH??? Well I had my business card printed on a SHAMWOW - so there.

Lets see you stuff a whole SHAMWOW into your rolodex!!

freakin peasants

Take a look at this

#122 posted by Takuan, April 21, 2009 8:49 AM

yeah, but did you use it to assault a sex trade worker?

Take a look at this

#123 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 8:59 AM

This is an excerpt from a video called "Pitch, Poker, and the Public".

Take a look at this

#124 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 9:32 AM

The card video is funny, but the dude's testimonial for the self-defense system is just too creepy. His big, beefy paws are draped over his mortified 12-year-old daughter in a very disturbing fashion. All while he drivels on about fantasy violence scenarios and death.

Psychopath? Watch the video and tell me he isn't.

(??!! captcha = "preys within". Case closed!)

Take a look at this

#125 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 10:51 AM

Very effective card. I have spent two minutes and nine seconds in his company, with my undivided attention, and I have no idea who he is, what he does and how to get in touch with him.

Aside from that, very effective card.

Take a look at this

#126 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 10:57 AM

If it can't fit in my rolodex, I throw it out. I don't like little pieces of paper all over, no matter HOW nice.

Take a look at this

#127 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 11:05 AM

the whole I'm personally empowering myself motif in the packing video which he opens by stating he's going to get a suit for free, just not while he's videoing speaks volumes.

Tosspot.

Take a look at this

#128 posted by DWittSF, April 21, 2009 11:08 AM

Deep thoughts:

I wonder how much a die-cut pop-up goatse would cost?

I thought the punchline would be Seven...Minute...Abs

btw, my own card is a 3.5"x2" mirror.
On the back it says:
you are so good looking!
please hire me!

Take a look at this

#129 posted by Chas44, April 21, 2009 11:30 AM

He spends 25 years designing his business card, but hires an amateur to run the camera? (I especially love the part at 1:31 where he leans forward. You can see the cameraman practially knock over his $25 tripod in an effort to follow the action.) Sweet work, dude!

Take a look at this

#130 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 11:40 AM

See that hair cut? It's CRAP. It's cheap. It's SUBURBAN. It's the same hair cut that the mall sunglass kiosk operator has. Get a better haircut, and you're in the money. That shirt? It's also crap. Stop shopping at TJ Maxx. It's cheap - you should have a better shirt than the guy in front of you. I'm telling you the truth. It hurts. But there's a solution. Get a haircut, and spend more that 50.00 on your shirt.
You will thank me.

Take a look at this

#131 posted by SLL1065, April 21, 2009 11:50 AM

All I can think about after seeing this clip is the riff on business cards in the film "American Psycho."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoIvd3zzu4Y

Take a look at this

#132 posted by MarkM, April 21, 2009 12:31 PM

O M G.
It has to be fake, right?
This is not fake.
http://www.infotainer.com/infotainer/

He should club with the "Jaeger bombs I shower in that shit" guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M

Take a look at this

#133 posted by McLuhanesque, April 21, 2009 1:39 PM

Folks, the video is a joke. From the Joel Bauer website:

"This video clip (featured here on a top-rated Australian Television Show) was extracted (not posted by our offices) from a movie short I ACTED in over a decade ago. It features an over-the-top personality style I developed for the director of this film. It has made the VIRAL rounds online now, and though it is not an attractive representation of the Joel of today–it has delivered some massive media appearance opportunities in the midst of less than positive commentary."

Take a look at this

#134 posted by Takuan, April 21, 2009 1:48 PM

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

Take a look at this

#135 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 2:07 PM

It occurs to me that the Lego business cards wouldn't fit into a rolodex either, and those are awesome.

Take a look at this

#136 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 2:33 PM

This is a short clip from a 30 minute doc called "The Pitch, Poker & the Public." There is ALOT more Joel Bauer to be seen in this video.

Watch here:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4860707933410577457

Evidently Mortiis, the scandinavian death metal god, wrote ORIGINAL music for this video.

Also, Blackheart records allowed the use of Joan Jett's song.

Take a look at this

#137 posted by Galahad Productions, April 21, 2009 2:57 PM

Thank you for all your comments.

I would like to address the comment posted by Joel Bauer above.
Joel, good to hear from you, Chris here, the Director/Editor of the original video. Thank you again.

This clip was taken from a 30 minute documentary called "The Pitch, Poker & the Public" which can be found here:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4860707933410577457

To my knowledge it has NOT been used by Australian TV. I would however like to know for sure.

I edited the clip with American Psycho in mind, very glad to see the posts in re:that. Joel did an outstanding job ACTING in this video and there is much more of his work to be seen in the original 30 min doc. To be sure Joel is the most EFFECTIVE salesman I have ever had the pleasure to speak with, the man doesn't just deserve a wiki entry - he deserves an action figure. The kind Alex P. Keaton would have played with as a child.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4860707933410577457

Take a look at this

#138 posted by Atlatl, April 21, 2009 3:02 PM

I wonder if this guy's loving the publicity, or whether the deluge of mockery is tweaking his narcissism.

His "it doesn't fit in a rolodex because it doesn't belong in a rolodex" line reminds me of this penny arcade comic. You can't criticize it, because it's not for critics.

Take a look at this

#139 posted by Anonymous, April 21, 2009 7:51 PM

I got a business card, because I wanna win some lunches.
That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg-Potential Lunch Winner".
Give me a call, maybe we will have lunch. If I'm lucky.

Take a look at this

#140 posted by Marsha Keeffer, April 21, 2009 11:12 PM

Bad tool.

Take a look at this

#141 posted by Anonymous, April 23, 2009 10:01 PM

my card is made from marijuana. Leaves a permanent impression, if not the memory of what you said, sold or looked like.

Take a look at this

#142 posted by Anonymous, April 23, 2009 10:09 PM

sure he's good at promotion. So far he's got 98% of his "crowd" who think he's somewhere between a psycho and Douche the Magnificent

Bad odds for business.

Take a look at this

#143 posted by freetardzero, April 23, 2009 10:11 PM

In Soviet Russian, the business card hands YOU out!

Take a look at this

#144 posted by Anonymous, April 23, 2009 11:59 PM

don't knock it just because you don't recognize EXTREME QUALITY - you don't put it away, you frame it and put that by your bed and look at it each morning in hopes that it will imbue your pathetic life with even just a little bit of this BRILLIANT maverick's glory. I know I'm inspired.

Take a look at this

#145 posted by Alison Scott, April 24, 2009 12:09 AM

So, I watched the packing video, remembering that our hero has explained that the "your business card is crap" character is fictional, from a long time ago, not like the "new Joel".

And, right at the end, right at the bottom of his 41-pound yeah that's gonna be safe in an overhead locker case, he gets out his...

...business cards. Huge, square, photo, embossed, the works.

It's at 18:42.

Take a look at this

#146 posted by Auto Parts for Brains, April 24, 2009 1:59 AM

It does not belong in a Rolodex. Belongs in the trash. :P

Like what people say, the bigger the card, the smaller the guy's... ego. :) He is definitely trying to compensate.

Take a look at this

#147 posted by dm10003, April 24, 2009 7:34 AM

the personality and large hair of a closeup magician. i hate closeup magic and large hair.

the other videos show him years older with the same timeless style.

Take a look at this