This gentleman is very proud of his $4 business card.

Yes, yes, it sure is impressive, but I just want to know the name of the song that starts playing at 1:08. (via Mt. Holly Mayor' Office)

Read more in Music at Boing Boing

Mark Frauenfelder is the founder of Boing Boing and the editor-in-chief of MAKE and Cool Tools. Twitter: @frauenfelder. Come and hear Mark speak at the ALA conference in Chicago on July 1.

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Takuan

I reject your reality and substitute my own.
Anonymous

Man, I have been designing business cards wrong for years…If only I had thought to make them enormous monstrosities with a picture of the bearer on them, I would be much more successful by now.
Takuan

yeah, but did you use it to assault a sex trade worker?
Takuan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv0wn0Kk1r8
Takuan

or conversely
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCKjctTWIsw&feature=related
Chas44

He spends 25 years designing his business card, but hires an amateur to run the camera? (I especially love the part at 1:31 where he leans forward. You can see the cameraman practially knock over his $25 tripod in an effort to follow the action.) Sweet work, dude!
Takuan

business cards are a serious matter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Un2slS7q5Zw&feature=related
Anonymous

This is an excerpt from a video called “Pitch, Poker, and the Public”.
demidan

HEHEHE! The comments here are vastly better than Capt. Asshat’s business card. I bet having a “Power” lunch with him would be very entertaining.

“Oh god it’s him again.”
buddy66

Hooo! The mysterious East…

ã‚ã‚ŠãŒã¨ã†
ZippySpincycle

I think he needs a different song. A song about the American Dream… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvhQqrTWLYY
innerabove

Wait, wait, wait.

Did he just use “trepanation” with “application” in the same sentence? With a lead-in like that, I would have expected his card to be a LOT more dangerous-looking.
Anonymous

See that hair cut? It’s CRAP. It’s cheap. It’s SUBURBAN. It’s the same hair cut that the mall sunglass kiosk operator has. Get a better haircut, and you’re in the money. That shirt? It’s also crap. Stop shopping at TJ Maxx. It’s cheap – you should have a better shirt than the guy in front of you. I’m telling you the truth. It hurts. But there’s a solution. Get a haircut, and spend more that 50.00 on your shirt.
You will thank me.
nzruss

Reminds me of the guy Ken in ‘Bee movie’ (played by Patrick Warburton):

Ken: Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? It folds out… Itâ€™s fantastic. Itâ€™s got all my special skills, even my top ten favorite movies.

ANDY: Whatâ€™s your number one? Star Wars?

KEN: Ah, I donâ€™t go for that, pew-pew, kind of stuff..

KEN: When I walk out of a job interview theyâ€™re flabbergasted. They canâ€™t believe the things I say!
misterfricative

I just did the math. This guy is 25 years old and it took him 25 years to design this cadillac of business cards. People, he was three years into this project by the time he hit kindergarten. You just can’t compete with dedication like that, and that’s why his business card is more super awesome than yours will ever be.

‘Don’t let not having the tools be your trepidation.’ Words to live by.
Anonymous

love is a pain by joan jett & the blackhearts
tekmunch.com
Anonymous

It occurs to me that the Lego business cards wouldn’t fit into a rolodex either, and those are awesome.
pinehead

I feel like I got gypped. All these years, and MY asshole has never drawn a crowd or had a $4 card.

“Life isn’t about being liked,” he says. Actually, I’ve found that being liked is a very important part of life. Being liked feels good, don’t you think? When people like you, they’re also more willing to work with you. Working with you means both of you getting results. Getting results, finally, means getting paid.

He has “desperate salesman” written all over his face. That’s not a good thing to see.
SLL1065

All I can think about after seeing this clip is the riff on business cards in the film “American Psycho.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoIvd3zzu4Y
BCJ

To be fair, I think his suitcase video has a couple of good suggestions
toxonix

LOL “I build a crowds, guaranteed!”

It took him 25 years to design a rave flyer?
Anonymous

The card video is funny, but the dude’s testimonial for the self-defense system is just too creepy. His big, beefy paws are draped over his mortified 12-year-old daughter in a very disturbing fashion. All while he drivels on about fantasy violence scenarios and death.

Psychopath? Watch the video and tell me he isn’t.

(??!! captcha = “preys within”. Case closed!)
Osprey101

Amateur.

My business card has lasers.
jeremyhogan

When someone hands me an oversized, overwrought business card, it’s like they’re saying “here, you throw this away”. With apologies to Mitch Hedberg.
artbot

New internet meme, welcome to the light of day. Pure. Freakin’. Genius.
Anonymous

My business card is carved onto your retina with LASERs.
cinemajay

Well I’m sold.
aplombtom

I love the outright hostility with, “What do you do guaranteed?”

This guy beats his dog. Guaranteed.
jeremyhogan

@hackedbychinese

“he’s actually really good at what he does”

But… *this* is what he does, no? And it’s shite.
Anonymous

Joan Jett & the Blackhearts Love is pain
whisper dog

Well, ya gotta give him his props. Here we all are lookin’ at him and his card.
Blaine

He’s like the graphic designers who’s portfolios I’ve slogged through.

Great… you’ve attached a pair of drumsticks. And look, biscotti… in a WWII ammo tin!

Sure I’ll save the sticks, eat the cookie and keep the tin, but I’m not hiring you because you can’t fucking draw.
Anonymous

This guy thinks he’s the king? All I have to say is Bill Brasky’s family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.
Chocolatey Shatner

I can’t help but imagine that if this guy saw how many people were commenting on his little video here, he’d just lean back and smile.
Antinous / Moderator

I want to see this with Wolverine pimping a card made of adamantium.
Anonymous

Shazam says it is “Love is a pain” by Joan Jett
Anonymous

I bet this guy learned everything he knows from Bill Brasky.

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/bill-brasky-brasky-buddies/1929908432
agoodsandwich

That’s not a business card, it’s a brochure. A business card has your name, title, company, and contact information. Any more than that is too much.

Not to mention, a business card is 3.5″x2″. Everytime I have a customer do something different than that, they come back to me a month later to reprint at the regular size, saying that people complained that their card didn’t fit in a business card holder.

Just sayin’.

-a printer
Anonymous

This is actually the guy featured in goatse.
Anonymous

This is a short clip from a 30 minute doc called “The Pitch, Poker & the Public.” There is ALOT more Joel Bauer to be seen in this video.

Watch here:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4860707933410577457

Evidently Mortiis, the scandinavian death metal god, wrote ORIGINAL music for this video.

Also, Blackheart records allowed the use of Joan Jett’s song.
dm10003

the personality and large hair of a closeup magician. i hate closeup magic and large hair.

the other videos show him years older with the same timeless style.
vermeer99

THE “YOUR BUSINESS CARD IS CRAP” GUY TEACHES US HOW TO PACK

http://videogum.com/archives/viral-video/the-your-business-card-is-crap_063641.html
blunted

Song: Love is Pain, Joan Jett and the Heartbreakers

credit to my GF on that one.
curiouser

MORE BUSINESS CARD THAN YOUR ROLODEX HAS ROOM FOR!

Just sayin’
A Nonny Moose

Can you say “Self-important tool”? This guy can. Funny thing is, he hasn’t a clue that it’s self-referential.
Anonymous

Wow…what a pompous smuck.
Anonymous

my card is made from marijuana. Leaves a permanent impression, if not the memory of what you said, sold or looked like.
Anonymous

Lol, I’ve had this favorited on Youtube for the last week or so, shown it to several friends, and now have a piece of paper proclaiming “[my business card] Doesn’t fit in a rolodex, because it doesn’t BELONG in a rolodex!”hanging next to my desk. As a graphic designer myself, I couldn’t help but lawlz. XD

-Camolai
Anonymous

doesn’t belong in a rolodex…belongs in the trash with the rest of the flyers
watman

That gave me a good laugh. Thank you.
Wingo

I love this guy. He has a few other completely un-business-card-related that are equally as entertaining.

I like this one where he describes his bad-ass and deadly martial arts skills while man-handling his frightened/embarrassed daughter:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5717666490850869908&hl=en
Anonymous

sure he’s good at promotion. So far he’s got 98% of his “crowd” who think he’s somewhere between a psycho and Douche the Magnificent

Bad odds for business.
Anonymous

I bet his website is full of flash format crap. Everything about him screams “Not User Friendly”.
freetardzero

In Soviet Russian, the business card hands YOU out!
Steve Schnier

The guy won. He did what he says he does. He draws a crowd. You may not like him or his card, but he’s certainly effective.
Anonymous

OMG I cant imagine working for this douche bag
Truchaos

Wow, it only took him 25 years to create a pop-up business card that costs $4 and won’t fit in a wallet?

WTF? Does he work for AIG?

If this moron came to my office and gave me this piece of crap, I’d put his name on my list of unemployable humans…
Anonymous

I got a business card, because I wanna win some lunches.
That’s what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg-Potential Lunch Winner”.
Give me a call, maybe we will have lunch. If I’m lucky.
Anonymous

That’s what you might call a tincture of arrogance. This man has more self-confidence than can fit in MY rolodex, that’s for sure.
Anonymous

He should be giving away kewpie dolls…I wouldn’t let him in the front door.
Dr Triffid

You see this card? This card right here? The one that doesn’t fit in my case with the cards I consider to be important? It’s going right in the trash can right there. It’s a $40 trash can.
nanner

yay Joan Jett “Love is Pain” whoo hooo
RLL

And if someone DOES have a better card than I do, at least I know he’s handled my ass pennies.
MarkM

O M G.
It has to be fake, right?
This is not fake.
http://www.infotainer.com/infotainer/

He should club with the “Jaeger bombs I shower in that shit” guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M
Galahad Productions

Thank you for all your comments.

I would like to address the comment posted by Joel Bauer above.
Joel, good to hear from you, Chris here, the Director/Editor of the original video. Thank you again.

This clip was taken from a 30 minute documentary called “The Pitch, Poker & the Public” which can be found here:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4860707933410577457

To my knowledge it has NOT been used by Australian TV. I would however like to know for sure.

I edited the clip with American Psycho in mind, very glad to see the posts in re:that. Joel did an outstanding job ACTING in this video and there is much more of his work to be seen in the original 30 min doc. To be sure Joel is the most EFFECTIVE salesman I have ever had the pleasure to speak with, the man doesn’t just deserve a wiki entry – he deserves an action figure. The kind Alex P. Keaton would have played with as a child.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4860707933410577457
doplgangr

what an idiot. that’s what we call a real ‘customer from hell’ where i work. he’ll pay 40 bucks to run a standard business card-sized ad in a program, then give you something like that to work with.

#11 called it right. the doofus has a problem understanding the difference between a business card and a brochure.
Anonymous

Wow, that’s really effectiveâ€”when I’m in the market for an insufferable asshole, I know just who I’m calling.
Anonymous

I’m a CEO. Do you really think I am going to hire this clown for his business card? I’m the alfa male here buddy, not you and your $4 business card.
misterfricative

Chocolatey Shatner #80 sez ‘I can’t help but imagine that if this guy saw how many people were commenting on his little video here, he’d just lean back and smile.’

Sure. But he might not be so smiley if he actually read them.

(Except surely he’s taking the piss? Is it really possible to be this much of an ass-hat and not realize it?)
hobartimus

#63 posted by Anonymous,

yeah, the real dealdeaux
Brother Provisional

That’s the single ugliest excuse for a business card I’ve ever seen, and having been so foolish to have wasted 4 years of my life working for Kinkos, I’ve seen a lot of crap cards in my time.
His one valid point is the stock. 60lb is shyte for this application. Your card stock should be like a good handshake; firm, confident, but not uncomfortably rigid. You should also be able to cut up a line of chalk with it in your executive restroom.
Otherwise, this guys card is the equivalent of showing up for a job interview wearing a rainbow clown wig.

This deserves an American Psycho chaser. Take it away, Christian.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoIvd3zzu4Y
Ogus Monk

My Business card is made of the flesh from all the Chapter 11 and 13, combined with foreclosures and stuff… Argh!

Acknowledge me!!!
Atlatl

I wonder if this guy’s loving the publicity, or whether the deluge of mockery is tweaking his narcissism.

His “it doesn’t fit in a rolodex because it doesn’t belong in a rolodex” line reminds me of this penny arcade comic. You can’t criticize it, because it’s not for critics.
Brawndo

“It doesn’t fit in a Rolodex.” Or a wallet. Or anywhere else convenient, where other business cards fit. Fits in the trash can, though.

This guy handing his “business card” to me is pretty much him saying, “Hey, would you mind throwing this out for me?.”

“Life isn’t about being liked.”

I’m sure I’d think so too, if I was an obnoxious blowhard who spent 25 years designing my business card. And failing at it.
oldtaku

This is the most douchebaggy thing I’ve seen for at least a month. And it makes me somewhat sad that he can make money being a professional douchebag. It’s every Sales Guy Cliche in one.
anthropomorphictoast

@#24: Thank you for that American Psycho chaser…that was totally the first thing that came to mind when I saw this.

As a career graphic designer, I think some people take this sh!t waaaay too seriously.
Moriarty

“Yes, this being BoingBoing, I was expecting a business card literally made out of recycled crap.”

Actually, pretty much every business card is just that. Paper is a renewable resource made from biomass that grows from organic waste. For that matter, plastic is also recycled biomass, although on a vastly longer timeframe. It’s also “renewable,” just sloowly renewable.
Anonymous

It’s good that he says people don’t have to like him because I’m quite sure that no one does.

And his business card is crap, too.
Anonymous

but I like to use the ones that hold a crease for ‘frisbee duty’.
Sekino

What if the clients/partners want to put it in a rolodex; ya know, because they’re organized??

This guy needs to watch the business card etiquette in Japan post.
Rossi

This is not, I repeat, not satire. I have run into this guy in the wild and this is how he talks in casual conversation.

I’ll give him that 85+ comments on BB almost certainly qualifies as a “crowd” and remind that he believes life is not about being liked, so he probably wouldn’t complain about the content of the comments.
Anonymous

So full of win.
Blaine

People who think just drawing a crowd is enough:

Sure, if you hire him to draw a crowd for your competitor… because all the crowd is thinking is what a douche he is and are incredibly turned off.

A fire will also draw a crowd, but torching your business isn’t necessarily “guaranteed success”.
GauchoAmigo

“And if someone DOES have a better card than I do, at least I know he’s handled my ass pennies.”

WIN!
huntsu

100-1 odds it won’t fit in my card scan and he would annoy me too much to actually type his info into ACT! So his card would essentially mean I wouldn’t contact him again.

Wanker.
Anonymous

don’t knock it just because you don’t recognize EXTREME QUALITY – you don’t put it away, you frame it and put that by your bed and look at it each morning in hopes that it will imbue your pathetic life with even just a little bit of this BRILLIANT maverick’s glory. I know I’m inspired.
Anonymous

Can you get a business card in the shape of a sphincter?
Anonymous

Right now, he’s padding his resume, and self-marketing brochure with how AWESOMELY POPULAR he is on the Intrawebs, and the MILLIONS of page views of his videos.

He will use this information to suck in the Regional Sales Director for 21st Better Century Max Real Estate, who will pay this asshat $$$ to speak at the next quarterly seminar.

At said seminar, Joel Bauer will attempt to seduce disaffected housewives who’ve taken up secondary careers in real estate, and will secret them away to his “free suite”.

If we all pray hard enough, and are really, really lucky — some housewife’s husband will burst in, and shoot him in the head.
Anonymous

Puh-lease, nobdy uses foil embossed, pop up, di cut business cards anymore. These days its all about holograms
tuckels

He has possibly the worst website I have every seen: http://www.infotainer.com/infotainer/
I only saw the home page, because you can’t go anywhere else without giving him your email address.
Anonymous

OMG. He’s a giant gaping arsehole and you all are hilarious!
adamnvillani

I watched the video on his website and seen the testimonials from a couple of you up there, and I’m still confused as to what exactly this guy does other than promote himself.

He’s very vague about that… OK, there will be crowds. And he will act professionally. But what sort of needs will he be fulfilling? Say I’m a company. A big company. It looks like he wants to speak at big corporate events. What will my company get out of having him speak? More sales? More production? Everything about this guy is so meta… he’s great at “what he does,” the testimonials about how great he is to work with, the video clip here promoting himself. What is this guy’s value-added? Why would I pay to see this guy talk about himself?
IWood

New card. What do you think? Picked them up from the printers yesterday.

That’s bone. And the lettering is something called Silian Rail.
Alison Scott

So, I watched the packing video, remembering that our hero has explained that the “your business card is crap” character is fictional, from a long time ago, not like the “new Joel”.

And, right at the end, right at the bottom of his 41-pound yeah that’s gonna be safe in an overhead locker case, he gets out his…

…business cards. Huge, square, photo, embossed, the works.

It’s at 18:42.
LeavingHalfway

I would just like to thank vermeer99 for TOTALLY UPPPING THE CRAZY in that link. As the other site says, “luckily, the crazy starts at :01 and doesn’t let up until 20:54, so you can enjoy it for as long as you want, but if you’re like me, you won’t be able to look away.”
GauchoAmigo

This could be satire. But, as a printer, I’ve had real people who are bigger douches than this guy come into my shop. They usually leave when they find out how much it costs to do all that stuff.
Brainspore

That video was either a brilliant bit of satirical performance art or horrific window into the dark psychosis of a marketing consultant’s brain. I’d visit his website but I’m afraid it could be the latter.
Anonymous

Two words: Camera Tripod
Anonymous

Here’s my website. Took me 25 years to design. Google can’t index it, because IT DOESN’T BELONG ON GOOGLE. It’s so impressive, that you can’t look away, even if you hate my content.
LeavingHalfway

Oh, and, I would like to note:

It’s got[!] fifty -five pockets in it. You can distribute thirty-five pounds of gear. You can put your laptop inside this pocket, your sunglasses, it holds everything, cash, everything, when you literally carry this through, and place it in the checkout you can have all the things that you were going to carry in a case in the jacket[!]. It’s the ultimate travel jacket. It also has special hi-tech, touch-sensitive plastic for controlling iPodsâ„¢ and iPhonesâ„¢, enabling you to have touch-sensitivity and control…

Oh yes, and more. Much, much, more. Go watch that.
Jack

I think my suggestion was crap because I suggested this link about a week ago.

Might get one of these d-bag cards so I can impress in the future.
Rezpect

Doucheasaurus Rex
Gaudeamus

There’s such a pain in my abdomen from laughing so hard at this guy. Wow.
Anonymous

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5658020957574434771

One amazing skill this guys has is the ability to video himself so that his head is utterly still while the background changes. Thinks he does 2 complete revolutions on this video. It’s like the slowest, most annoying ride evah.
Starbug

Ugh. This douche reminds me of a guy I lived with in the early 90s. Thanks, BB, for reminding me why I broke up with him!
Takuan

ahhh yasss, please, please let me live long enough to see him do a meishi exchange in Japan.
Anonymous

“I spent the last 25 years shoving 100 business cards a day up my ass. I guarantee every one of you have handled one of my ass business cards. You think you’re better than me?”
arborman

I must admit my first instinct would be to punch him in the nose if he talked like that to me.

But maybe I play too many violent video games. DIE TURTLES DIE!
Anonymous

I like him. Am I crazy that I like him? Clearly I’m in the minority. I think he’s kind of cool, even if I don’t buy into his pitch. Maybe I’ve just gotten to the point where I realize everyone is genuine and disingenuous in their own ways and sometimes just being yourself is a good refreshing quality. I hate how everyone labels him a douche. Why do that? He is in his own niche. So what? If anything he’s learned from years of experience what works with people. So in some ways, his personality is a reflection of what others want in his field. He would probably say “Call me a douche, this is the “me” that my clients want” or something like that.

I don’t like any of his stuff necessarily, and yet I feel the world needs guys like him. If I met a girl like him though, I might run away.

I wouldn’t put too much weight behind the tie color to close the deal as he states in his packing video. However, let’s say he’s done 5000 presentations, he may have the numbers to prove that the damn tie color works. Which is another reason I like him. Because if he’s working for you to present your product, you would expect him to pull out every pro-tip he knows. This guy is a walking Pro-tip.

I sort of wish he carried some organic USA made Converse all-star sneakers in his bag, black of course.
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  Am I crazy that I like him?
  
  If I turned off the sound and pretended that it was still the 80s and had a few cocktails, he was almost hot.
Anonymous

His card is almost as tall as his hair implant.
Mycroft

He doesn’t put his title on his card because his title is Biggest Douchebag in America.
Anonymous

Very effective card. I have spent two minutes and nine seconds in his company, with my undivided attention, and I have no idea who he is, what he does and how to get in touch with him.

Aside from that, very effective card.
Anonymous

your youtube video is crap.

i need a shower now.
Anonymous

Let’s see: two minutes dedicated face time, attitude coming out of his ass & his ears, an attention grabbing presentation.

What’s his name? Who knows? He doesn’t say it ever

What’s his company’s name? “Crowds Guaranteed”? Or is that just a slogan?

If you can’t do those two simple things: “Hi, my name is — and my company is —,” you have failed.
Auto Parts for Brains

It does not belong in a Rolodex. Belongs in the trash. :P

Like what people say, the bigger the card, the smaller the guy’s… ego. :) He is definitely trying to compensate.
Anonymous

If it can’t fit in my rolodex, I throw it out. I don’t like little pieces of paper all over, no matter HOW nice.
Anonymous

It fits in the trash.

Seriously, I thought this was a comedy skit.
sworm

The sad thing is, it isn’t a nice card. It’s too flashy.

It’s like a corvette vs. a maybach.
Antinous / Moderator

How is it possible that this gentleman doesn’t have a Wikipedia article?
Anonymous

Egomaniac much?
Anonymous

I have a ten gallon Rolodex for odd sized cards, I transfer that to a 30 gallon Rolodex weekly, just before collection.
Anonymous

You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing.
Halloween Jack

Just looked at his web site… with the shadow behind him that has strings going from his fingers to the crowd, manipulating them all marionette-like. Gosh, I know that I’d pay tall coin to hire a motivational speaker who thinks that he’s a Marvel supervillain.
infikitsune

This dude’s oversized business card may not fit in my wallet, but I can think of one other place I’d like to stick it.
Anonymous

douche
joelfreeman

Originally I had God working on the design. He spent years trying to perfect it but it never made the final cut. Still, the zebra thing was pretty cool.
LB

This is BoingBoing. We’ve seen business cards that can pick locks, cut steak, and turn into catapults. Good sir, can your business card do any of these?
Cepphus Grylle

This guy guarantees crowds. He got one. He is good at what he does.

Should a CEO of a software corporation have the same business card as this guy? No. But this guy probably has the right card for his job.

His job is promotion. Today he used an unusual card to do his job. Even if he never hands out another one of those cards, today it was well worth $4.
Takuan

heh! when receiving such a person’s card, politely look at it while talking with him and then ask him to hold a moment. Dig around in your wallet, desk drawer, pocket or even waste basket and fish out a discarded business card. Looking earnestly at his car, scribble his first name and last initial on the scrap card and then copy the phone number (making a mistake on at least one digit). Maybe make an illegible notation on the other side. Then with a smile offer back his card saying” Yeah, these don’t fit in my rolodex, but I got your number”. If he doesn’t move quickly enough, add “Oh, I guess you have a million of these.” and flip his $4 card into the wastebasket.
Anonymous

Yes, this being BoingBoing, I was expecting a business card literally made out of recycled crap.
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  I was expecting a business card literally made out of recycled crap.
  
  You mean like paper made from Tasmanian wombat poo?
hackedbychinese

This guy’s name is Joel Bauer. He’s an infotainer, using a combination of social engineering, mentalist/illusionist tricks, advertising and marketing tricks, etc. to help bring attention to your company or idea. He’s a personal friend of my boss, and he actually performed some trade shows for us.

He’s a really intense guy, and maybe comes off cheesy or even creepy at times, but he’s very entertaining and genuinely nice. He’s also _very_ good at what he does. Admittedly, I don’t know much about all of that, so maybe I’m easily impressed. He did some pretty fun magic tricks, but maybe obsesses over this sort of image minutiae too deeply for my tastes.
Anonymous

the whole I’m personally empowering myself motif in the packing video which he opens by stating he’s going to get a suit for free, just not while he’s videoing speaks volumes.

Tosspot.
Marsha Keeffer

Bad tool.
Anonymous

He’s like a slightly smarter Gob Bluth.
EnglishNerd

Followed link vermeer99 posted in #12 and I’m so glad. Just when I thought I couldn’t love him more he unpacks his suitcase! I’ve missed the mutants while locked away writing for a degree. You all find the best stuff on the internet…
Blue

From reading the comments, I see this guy is for real. That blows my mind.

I was creased up and congratulating this guy for out-Gervaising Ricky Gervais. My only criticism was that I thought the look-to-camera was a little too obviously ‘The Office’ and gave the game away.

But it’s all real. F-ing Awesome.
DWittSF

Deep thoughts:

I wonder how much a die-cut pop-up goatse would cost?

I thought the punchline would be Seven…Minute…Abs

btw, my own card is a 3.5″x2″ mirror.
On the back it says:
you are so good looking!
please hire me!
takeshi

My business card is a pipe bomb.
stosh machek

i pity his children
buddy66

What’s a meishi exchange in Japan like, Takuan?
Brainspore

@ HackedByChinese #54: The fact that this guy would willingly refer to himself as an “infotainer” doesn’t help his case in the likability department.

I’m sure he’s probably a decent guy in person, but for all I know so is that bearded dude on TV who screams at the top of his lungs about OxyClean and the ShamWow!
Anonymous

I prefer the subliminal translation:

“Don’t let not having the tool be your trepidation.

You see that penis? Cheap.
Strathmore stock. Sixty pound.
Holds a crease.
Can you tear it? Absolutely.

Looks like crap?
It is crap.

It’s the same size as every other penis in my hand that you guys just gave me.

These aren’t even your penises.

That penis looks like crap too.
One color. Nothin’ special about it.

…

But I will never make a criticism… if I don’t have… a resolution.

You see this penis?
This is the most impressive penis I’ve ever seen. It’s mine.

It took me twenty-five years to grow it.

This penis is expensive.

It doesn’t fit in a Rolodex…
…because it doesn’t belong in a Rolodex.

My penis is die-cut.
My penis is foil-stamped.
My penis is embossed.

Crowds guaranteed.
(You’re kidding?)

My penis tells you about the result I generate.

I build crowds. Guaranteed.

What do YOU do that’s guaranteed?”
McLuhanesque

Folks, the video is a joke. From the Joel Bauer website:

“This video clip (featured here on a top-rated Australian Television Show) was extracted (not posted by our offices) from a movie short I ACTED in over a decade ago. It features an over-the-top personality style I developed for the director of this film. It has made the VIRAL rounds online now, and though it is not an attractive representation of the Joel of todayâ€“it has delivered some massive media appearance opportunities in the midst of less than positive commentary.”
Anonymous

I know this guy. He’s a scarry good magician named Joel Bauer. Does a lot of corporate shows and conventions. Anyone who has attended N.A.B. (Natl.Assoc.of Broadcasters) in Vegas may have seen him. And yep, he has a high opinion of himself. Actually a pretty good guy. Great illusionist.
And he does build crowds. Big ones. I was there
in ’99 with Panasonic and he killed for us.
stew

I came for American Psycho, was not disappointed. I always thought a business card was for the quick exchange of information, if you need a pamphlet, make a pamphlet.
Anonymous

This guy is the real deal.
Anonymous

was this from Saturday Night Live ???
Anonymous

What a tool.
edgore

While his card may have many features, it is not freaking center die-cut. Best business card I ever had…oh, Angry Monkey, where art thou….? All I had to do was gently wave that card in the air, pretending that I did not care, and potential mates would present themselves to me – line forming to the right.

And my card was the *worst* card at all of Angry Monkey. There was one card, that, if you bowed and gave it to a client, would cause them to instantly be devoured by a swarm of parasitic worms. The card was formed from a thinly pressed sheet of their eggs. Hand sweat was all that was required to revive them and send them into an eating (and internal egg laying) frenzy
robulus

Wait wait wait, so is he saying his card doesn’t hold a crease?

“I’ll have the 500gsm surgical grade silicon stock thankyou my good Printer!”
peter x

YEAH??? Well I had my business card printed on a SHAMWOW – so there.

Lets see you stuff a whole SHAMWOW into your rolodex!!

freakin peasants

"Your business card is CRAP!"

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