Terrific review of the execrable Transformers movie

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39 Responses to “Terrific review of the execrable Transformers movie”

  1. Hanglyman says:

    If anyone goes to see a movie they know was directed by Michael Bay, they really deserve what they get at this point. Still, he’s not as bad as Uwe Boll, whose abysmal movies get written off his taxes if they don’t make a profit, and whose idea of responding to criticism is to beat up his critics in a boxing match (unless they might actually have an advantage over him).

  2. Darren Garrison says:

    The best review I’ve seen is spread across multiple segments in this thread on rottentomatoes:

    http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?t=685674

    Wherein is coined the fitting term “niggabots”

  3. Francesco Fondi says:

    TRANSFORMERS 2 is “robo porno”: you don’t watch porno for the story…

  4. Halloween Jack says:

    “…like little Irish setters.”

    I’ve said some pretty critical things about Charlie Jane Anders’ posts on io9 in the past. I take it all back.

  5. Kieran O'Neill says:

    I take it the film is as much of a propaganda exercise for the U.S. armed forces as the first?

  6. Anonymous says:

    The first thing I thought when I read the movie title was Transformers: Rolling On The Floor.

  7. Kieran O'Neill says:

    Oh, and best movie review evar.

    If the film is even half as crazed as Anders’ writing, I think I’ll have to watch it just for the experience.

    At the lowest cost possible, of course.

  8. nosehat says:

    If Michael Bay were to direct The Great Gatsby.

  9. anansi133 says:

    This is perfect: I now know to watch T:ROFL after I finish all five Cremaster films.

  10. alphagirl says:

    I still like the review Joel posted by Choire Sicha just a smidge better.

    http://www.theawl.com/2009/06/flicked-off-transformers2-the-revenge-of-megan-foxs-rack

  11. hokano says:

    In fact, I believe it was the examination of the Michael Bay oeuvre that required the invention of the word ‘craptacular’.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I actually said the same thing about Speed Racer … except I wasn’t joking.

  13. hokano says:

    TRANSFORMERS 2 is “robo porno”: you don’t watch porno for the story…

    But 2.5 hours? You may be right, but in that case the movie might have been better if it had the same duration as the average ’3.mpg’.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Yeah…I don’t think you should all be rubbishing Michael Bay so much, personally I havent seen ROTF but I actually really enjoyed the first Transformers movie. Yes it was an assult on the senses, but so is a rollercoaster, or a flight in a Pitt Special, strangely so is the Transformers cartoon, ironic that the movie should follow suit.
    Don’t think so much and enjoy the ride.

    Drew.

  15. hokano says:

    The Onion keeps us abreast of what we can expect next:
    Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up ‘ThunderCats’

  16. Brainspore says:

    I actually think “an assault on the senses” is a pretty good description of Michael Bay’s work. If only I could collect damages…

  17. Anonymous says:

    Michael Bay’s work is essentially a syncopated assemblage of over-saturated mechaical carnage. These are such weird movies, I cannot even begin to imagine what their appeal is. I see enough chaos at work, on my way to work and on the television, why do I need more? The movies are a literal vision of what the aggressively hollow hollywood machine looks like. His Pearl Harbor was retchingly awful. I actually think his movies are much worse than your average, straight-up bad movie. When you think about it there’s is something vaguely offensive about what he does, but not in direct Natural Born Killers sort of way. Anders gets it right. I’d actually read a few favorable reviews that seem to praise this movie-http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20286964,00.html.
    And yet he doesn’t seem like a very bad guy, kinda humble, he even went to Wesleyan!

  18. orangebag says:

    michael bay throws cgi explosions on the screen with little artistry.
    That reviewer throws allegedly impressive vocabulary and references at his keyboard with little wit and no artistry.
    As self indulgent as the film he was mocking.

    Or perhaps that was the point. If so, he should remember that merely being meta doesn’t mean you are funny anymore.

    4 out of 10

  19. Anonymous says:

    Transformers are a ripoff of Go-bots, so I hate them. Poor little Go-bots.

  20. Uniquack says:

    In the last few days, I’ve noticed a slew of critics feasting on the ripe flesh of ROTF to write great reviews. Here’s another one from Seattle: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/dear-nerds-i-have-some-questions/Content?oid=1740991

  21. acb says:

    Was the original Transformers cartoon as steeped in red-state Republican/Southern “warrior” values as the films, or did Michael Bay bring those to the table?

  22. Anonymous says:

    Reads like Harry Knowles. Preferred the reviews by Roger Ebert and Manohla Dargis in NYT.

  23. Crawford Tillinghast says:

    My sight-unseen capsule review of this is the same as for the last one:

    Transformers?

    FUCK that shit!

    SURVIVAL…

    RESEARCH…

    LABS!!!!!!!!!!

  24. caldrax says:

    I am baffled that there are people here, and there, responding to this review as if it genuinely is hailing Transformers as a good movie. Is sarcasm really THAT hard to read on the internet? You’d think the casual mention of “6 hours into the movie” would do the trick and people would start to comprehend that the writing is not meant to be taken seriously.

    This review was genius and while I feel guilty for paying to see the film, it was a spectacle. A literal and figurative car crash. I simply could not avoid watching it because I felt compelled to experience first hand the most excessive abuse of money and resources ever to vomit itself forth from Hollywood. I was not disappointed. Oh and it’s good to see some GM vehicles on the road again. Damn, I wonder how much of the bailout money went into product placement in this horrorshow…

  25. Brett Burton says:

    This review of
    TRANSFORMERS: ROTF
    is
    TRANSFORMERS: ROTFL

  26. orangebag says:

    the bbc review linked in #14 is funnier and will take less time. but it is a video.

  27. nehpetsE says:

    Sounds very much like Showgirls, (if all of the show girls were late model GM cars)

    Now i kind of want to see it.

    I love movies where you don’t have to wait for stuff to happen.

  28. Anonymous says:

    I liked it.

  29. elk says:

    Awesome, so where’s the rallying cry for Gilliam then? Sadly missing.

  30. Anonymous says:

    I actually liked the movie, to be honest.
    but really wish they’d get rid of bay and get someone who can do transformers right for the next one

  31. Brainspore says:

    Bad comparison. Gilliam makes movies, Bay makes commercials. Big, two-hour, explodey commercials for Pepsi and GM and Mattel and Microsoft and whoever else has a few million to spare in their advertising budget.

  32. Anonymous says:

    There is a flaw with that review.

    Setters don’t point. Pointers point.

  33. Murray_H says:

    This is film criticism at its finest. When the revoluton comes, Michael Bay will be dragged into a latrine pit and shot. I’m not saying I condone this — I’m just saying it’s going to happen.

    McG will be there too.

  34. doktor tchock says:

    i think that if this review were adapted into a film by Michael Bay, it would signal the end times were near.

  35. overunger says:

    @29 : Probably, but Gobots SUCKED!!! I DID like the early large ones that were VW bugs.

    Maybe the third movie will have Unicron!

  36. gbv23 says:

    It did boffo box office and that’s all that matters.
    This is America dude, learn the rules

  37. stratojoe says:

    ah.. so -thats- what it feels like to be brain raped.

  38. Anonymous says:

    If you like that review, check out this review from the BBC’s Mark Kermode
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/markkermode/2009/06/transformers_190609.html

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