Terrific review of the execrable Transformers movie


Thank goodness Michael Bay made the new Transformers movie, because if he hadn't Charlie Jane Anders wouldn't have written this stupendous review for io9.

Transformers: ROTF has mostly gotten pretty hideous reviews, but that's because people don't understand that this isn't a movie, in the conventional sense. It's an assault on the senses, a barrage of crazy imagery. Imagine that you went back in time to the late 1960s and found Terry Gilliam, fresh from doing his weird low-fi collage/animations for Monty Python. You proceeded to inject Gilliam with so many steroids his penis shrank to the size of a hair follicle, and you smushed a dozen tabs of LSD under his tongue. And then you gave him the GDP of a few sub-Saharan countries. Gilliam might have made a movie not unlike this one.
Michael Bay Finally Made An Art Movie



  1. I actually think “an assault on the senses” is a pretty good description of Michael Bay’s work. If only I could collect damages…

  2. Michael Bay’s work is essentially a syncopated assemblage of over-saturated mechaical carnage. These are such weird movies, I cannot even begin to imagine what their appeal is. I see enough chaos at work, on my way to work and on the television, why do I need more? The movies are a literal vision of what the aggressively hollow hollywood machine looks like. His Pearl Harbor was retchingly awful. I actually think his movies are much worse than your average, straight-up bad movie. When you think about it there’s is something vaguely offensive about what he does, but not in direct Natural Born Killers sort of way. Anders gets it right. I’d actually read a few favorable reviews that seem to praise this movie-http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20286964,00.html.
    And yet he doesn’t seem like a very bad guy, kinda humble, he even went to Wesleyan!

  3. Was the original Transformers cartoon as steeped in red-state Republican/Southern “warrior” values as the films, or did Michael Bay bring those to the table?

  4. Sounds very much like Showgirls, (if all of the show girls were late model GM cars)

    Now i kind of want to see it.

    I love movies where you don’t have to wait for stuff to happen.

  5. Bad comparison. Gilliam makes movies, Bay makes commercials. Big, two-hour, explodey commercials for Pepsi and GM and Mattel and Microsoft and whoever else has a few million to spare in their advertising budget.

  6. This is film criticism at its finest. When the revoluton comes, Michael Bay will be dragged into a latrine pit and shot. I’m not saying I condone this — I’m just saying it’s going to happen.

    McG will be there too.

  7. i think that if this review were adapted into a film by Michael Bay, it would signal the end times were near.

  8. “…like little Irish setters.”

    I’ve said some pretty critical things about Charlie Jane Anders’ posts on io9 in the past. I take it all back.

  9. In fact, I believe it was the examination of the Michael Bay oeuvre that required the invention of the word ‘craptacular’.

  10. TRANSFORMERS 2 is “robo porno”: you don’t watch porno for the story…

    But 2.5 hours? You may be right, but in that case the movie might have been better if it had the same duration as the average ‘3.mpg’.

  11. michael bay throws cgi explosions on the screen with little artistry.
    That reviewer throws allegedly impressive vocabulary and references at his keyboard with little wit and no artistry.
    As self indulgent as the film he was mocking.

    Or perhaps that was the point. If so, he should remember that merely being meta doesn’t mean you are funny anymore.

    4 out of 10

  12. Reads like Harry Knowles. Preferred the reviews by Roger Ebert and Manohla Dargis in NYT.

  13. My sight-unseen capsule review of this is the same as for the last one:


    FUCK that shit!




  14. I am baffled that there are people here, and there, responding to this review as if it genuinely is hailing Transformers as a good movie. Is sarcasm really THAT hard to read on the internet? You’d think the casual mention of “6 hours into the movie” would do the trick and people would start to comprehend that the writing is not meant to be taken seriously.

    This review was genius and while I feel guilty for paying to see the film, it was a spectacle. A literal and figurative car crash. I simply could not avoid watching it because I felt compelled to experience first hand the most excessive abuse of money and resources ever to vomit itself forth from Hollywood. I was not disappointed. Oh and it’s good to see some GM vehicles on the road again. Damn, I wonder how much of the bailout money went into product placement in this horrorshow…

  15. I actually liked the movie, to be honest.
    but really wish they’d get rid of bay and get someone who can do transformers right for the next one

  16. @29 : Probably, but Gobots SUCKED!!! I DID like the early large ones that were VW bugs.

    Maybe the third movie will have Unicron!

  17. If anyone goes to see a movie they know was directed by Michael Bay, they really deserve what they get at this point. Still, he’s not as bad as Uwe Boll, whose abysmal movies get written off his taxes if they don’t make a profit, and whose idea of responding to criticism is to beat up his critics in a boxing match (unless they might actually have an advantage over him).

  18. I take it the film is as much of a propaganda exercise for the U.S. armed forces as the first?

  19. The first thing I thought when I read the movie title was Transformers: Rolling On The Floor.

  20. Oh, and best movie review evar.

    If the film is even half as crazed as Anders’ writing, I think I’ll have to watch it just for the experience.

    At the lowest cost possible, of course.

  21. Yeah…I don’t think you should all be rubbishing Michael Bay so much, personally I havent seen ROTF but I actually really enjoyed the first Transformers movie. Yes it was an assult on the senses, but so is a rollercoaster, or a flight in a Pitt Special, strangely so is the Transformers cartoon, ironic that the movie should follow suit.
    Don’t think so much and enjoy the ride.


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