A Few More Questions

Jason Torchinsky is a guest blogger on Boing Boing. Jason has a book out now, Ad Nauseam: A Survivor's Guide to American Consumer Culture. He lives in Los Angeles, where he is a tinkerer and artist and writes for the Onion News Network. He lives with his partner Sally, five animals, too many old cars, and a shed full of crap.

1. If you were designing your own superhero costume, how would you accessorize?
a. Cape
b. Scarf
c. Sidekick
d. Gun
e. Stack of fliers saying you are a superhero


2. What part of Canada would you most like to sleep with?
a. Victoria
b. Regina
c. Moosejaw
d. Calgary
e. Prince Edward Island


3. Burrito is to Chimichanga as
a. Jonathan Silverman is to Matthew Broderick
b. Gary Busey is to Nick Nolte
c. Paul Rieser is to Richard Lewis
d. Kelsey Grammar is to anyone else with an enormous freaking forehead


4. What's the worst thing you can say to a mugger?
a. Mom?
b. Don't forget to check my other shoe.
c. I don't think you're man enough to fire that gun
d. Now that you mention it, there may be something in my rectum


5. Your butler tells you that your yacht cleaner will take two hours longer than expected. What do you do?
a. Shoot them both in the face.
b. Shoot just the yacht cleaner in the face, cause hey, it's not your butler's fault.


6. You fall into a space-time portal and land in Hitler's 7th birthday party. What do you do?
a. Devote the rest of your life to mentoring him, so that he'll grow to be a right and just member of society.
b. Molest the shit out of him.

(Thanks, Van Gogh-Goghs!)

22

  1. Victoria is the most beautiful thing in Canada. In fact, my sidekick will be named ‘Port Victoria, and have the ability to teleport.

  2. Oh man. I had a hard time not laughing my ass off for #6 here at work.

    And y’know, Gary Busey and Nick Nolte really are two sides of Mexican cuisine. I’m happy that I am no longer alone in this observation. Kudos.

  3. 1) D Capes are bad
    2) B Cause it rhymes with…
    3) B Remember Nolte In Rich Man Poor Man…Man he rocked and I hated it when Falcon Eddy killed him
    4) C unless you are in the state of #1
    5) A Muahahahahah
    6) A cause it’s the right thing to do

  4. there’s a town in Canada called Dildo, it’s in Newfoundland, I’m sure some might choose there

  5. I can imagine a story where 6b is actually true. After committing the deed, our hero gets zapped 50 years ahead to 1945. Just before he shoots himself, our “victim” explains to the hero why he did the things he did. Our hero then spends the rest of his life trying to get back again in order to do 6a.

  6. I would have picked Dildo, only because there’s another one nearby (South Dildo) and Heart’s Delight, Heart’s Desire and Come-By-Chance are in the area as well.

  7. 2 is obviously E, as that’s a whole province. The rest are just cities. Also, PEI is the only one that’ll spoon afterwards.

  8. Victoria is a sweetheart, but she’s 87 years old. No teeth, though.

    Stay away from Calgary. She’ll give you herpes.

  9. 1. If you were designing your own superhero costume, how would you accessorize?
    f. Egypt

    2. What part of Canada would you most like to sleep with?
    f. The fat part

    3. Burrito is to Chimichanga as
    e. often as they like

    4. What’s the worst thing you can say to a mugger?
    e. I’m going to pretend I have a gun. It’s really just my finger, but I’m ape-shit crazy and actually believe it’s a gun. When you fail to die after I shoot you with my finger/gun, I will become confused, then shocked, then troubled, then crazed, and then have a fit of some kind, a la grand mal seizures. Don’t be alarmed. It has happened before. As I lay twitching on the ground, you will be able to take my money, watch, jewelry, etc. As you are doing so, though, I will pull out my *other* gun and kill you.

    5. Your butler tells you that your yacht cleaner will take two hours longer than expected. What do you do?
    c. Love the dirty yacht life for two more sweet, sweet hours.

    6. You fall into a space-time portal and land in Hitler’s 7th birthday party. What do you do?
    c. Fail to find someone who speaks English. Die from Spanish Flu.

  10. I wish these were interview questions. They are certainly more intelligent than what you usually get!

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