Coital "model" machine used in condom study


65 Responses to “Coital "model" machine used in condom study”

  1. Nadreck says:

    So, that’s what was under the hood of Duran Duran’s machine in Barbarella!

  2. Anonymous says:

    I wonder if they would’ve gotten different results if they had more positions. This looks like straight-ahead sex. Condoms have a tendency to break when you shift positions too.

  3. Ernunnos says:

    “…a single predominant mechanism of failure we named ‘blunt puncture,’ where the tip of the thrusting male penis progressively stretches one part of the intact condom wall until it ultimately breaks.”

    So what you’re saying is… condoms break when stretched?

    These researchers are clearly brilliant. They’ve figured out a way to spend years getting paid to discover the obvious. The stockholders are getting fucked as hard as that machine.

  4. Anonymous says:

    How do you re-use a condom?

    Turn it inside out, and shake the F*&k out of it…

  5. cosanostradamus says:

    Coital Model?

    As Dave Barry would say, great name for a rock band. And the first album could be “Blunt Puncture.”

    Or vice versa.

    Actually, I used to go out with a coital model from the Valley. And we broke up over blunt punctures. Just a coincidence, prolly.

    Normally, I can predict these kinds of things…

  6. Daemon says:

    I know a few people who’d be interested in getting their hands on this machine.

  7. TEKNA2007 says:

    I’ve had a condom break before. Luckily it wasn’t at a “crucial” moment, but still a bit of a shock.

    It’s not hard to miss, because it instantly feels ten times better.

  8. technogeek says:

    Hmm. So I guess this partly explains why the manufacturers tell users to leave a bit of a gap at the tip — more space before it has to start getting stretched out.

    Breakage occurs, but that’s figured into the 97%-or-whatever-it-is effectiveness rate claimed for condoms. Everything is compromises.

    What I’m wondering is what failure modes the female condom is subject to.

  9. dodi says:

    I’m with you Rajio. My brain went into a skid at “returns.”

    Did any of you with breakage think, “Damn, I better return this defecting product.”

  10. Lloyd says:

    Is it single?

  11. David Pescovitz says:

    Yay! As expected, the comments didn’t disappoint. I love you all. : )

  12. JPW says: . . . .

  13. Praline says:

    Durex averages three bust condom returns a week. Imagine the lucky employee who gets to deal with those little bundles of biohazard.

    I wonder what motivates people to return their penile mischief. Is it truly all in the name of progress? Or do they think they’re establishing an alibi of some sort for the worst case scenario?

  14. Fang Xianfu says:

    For science!

  15. JPW says:

    And like I’ve always said, a broken condom isn’t inconceivable. . . .

  16. mdh says:

    it’s pneumatic!

  17. Anonymous says:

    In one of his stand-up routines, Bill Maher says condoms are the most reliable device since the toaster, and calls breakage BS. Just an excuse for getting drunk or lazy and using nada. I’ve always assumed he was right on the money…..

  18. Rezpect says:

    Well, duh.

  19. Anonymous says:

    From the shop durex website FAQ

    7.3 For reasons of hygiene we cannot accept returns where the packaging has been opened or the Product has been used.

    This just gets better and better!


  20. Charlie Lesoine says:

    Blunt puncture = Not enough lube

  21. Halloween Jack says:

    This, folks, will be looked back upon as the true beginning of the end: not when Skynet went online, not when some AI managed to hack around the Asimovian Laws firmware, but when some well-meaning fool put two fucking machines together and they realized that they didn’t need us for anything.

  22. WombatSam says:

    One of my concerns about condoms when I first used them was that a trapped pube might tear the latex, and I can’t help noticing that this machine is entirely hairless. Wouldn’t it be better to include all the variables?

    I suppose a hairy version would be even harder to explain to the investors.

  23. Crispinus211 says:

    Did they give the model a nickname, I wonder?

  24. dmoisan says:

    Doesn’t anyone (Cory?) remember the copulation machine in one of Robert Anton Wilson’s novels? The one whose phallus came from a transgendered woman?

    That machine is virtually identical in conception, just as RAW wrote it! (It’s been far, far too long since I’ve reread him but to say that memory comes to the fore is an understatement!)

  25. Anonymous says:

    Blunt Puncture…dibs on using it for a band name.

  26. sabik says:

    “male penis” — is there any other kind?

  27. Tdawwg says:

    In related “breaking” news: John Dillinger’s penis has been found.

  28. mrsomuch says:

    do you think it goes up to 11?

  29. Rajio says:


  30. IWood says:

    Like that? Have I got a website for you!

  31. Anonymous says:

    That is a huge effin’ fake wang!

  32. Anonymous says:


    I guess they are taking in consideration hermaphrodite penises LOL

  33. Anonymous says:

    Spoiler Warning…
    This looks just like a prop in the movie “One Eyed Monster”. They kill the ‘monster’ (Ron Jeremy’s disembodied alien possessed penis) using a device that looks just like this!

  34. ill lich says:

    Look at that f#cking machine!

  35. acb says:

    There was once a young man named Kleene
    who invented a fucking machine
    Concave or convex
    it fit either sex
    and was exceedingly easy to clean.

    (Attributed to John Von Neumann)

  36. Anonymous says:

    All that’s missing from the picture are a couple of stern-looking men in lab coats and plastic-framed glasses, taking notes on a clipboard.

  37. Anonymous says:

    This takes me back to an awesome SF story I read many years ago about a disembodied consciousness that was part of a hive mind in a giant computer system on earth after all the humans died out. Somehow the system is insane and keeps trying to do things to make itself happy. One of the things is does is create an enormous multi-story pair of match genitalia, and fuck itself for a while.

    Anyone recall this story?

    And hey, I keep trying to post this to Facebook but I only get a generic link with no photo. What gives?

    Captcha: dealers 11. Maybe this one DOES go to 11!

  38. buddy66 says:

    The Ron Jeremy model.

  39. Anonymous says:

    I don’t know much about machines but i know what i like.

  40. Mark Dow says:

    The photo deserves a well positioned squirrel.

  41. dbarak says:

    Believe it or not, the company I work for has a device that would be a perfect part of a machine like that. Despite that, I’m not sending this link to anyone I work with.

  42. Stefan Jones says:

    The Bodily Goop Containment Testing Industry must be a thriving field; a few months ago the NYTimes ran a story about Kimberly Clark’s diaper testing lab, which featured a rack of horrifying headless, armless, footless toddler mannequins whose hips constantly churned away to simulate crawling and walking. And the dummies had dispensers for artificial poo and pee.

  43. dbarak says:

    Quick thought – is the box on the far right supposed to be a vagina or an anus?

  44. johnnyaction says:

    Can’t believe no one has linked to the classic XKCD comic about almost this very thing…

  45. Phikus says:

    I wonder what was the result of the breakages. Did the machine end up creating a bunch of little fuckers?

  46. dbarak says:

    @ #17 posted by Phikus

    “I wonder what was the result of the breakages. Did the machine end up creating a bunch of little fuckers?”


  47. Brainspore says:

    Reminds me of Brüno’s exercise machine.

  48. Anonymous says:

    holy crap…look at the size of that thing!
    . i mean…the piston on the left, of course.

  49. dculberson says:

    Are you sure that’s SSL and not SRL?

  50. dbarak says:

    @ #20 posted by dculberson

    Well, SSL *is* “Secure SOCKET LAYER.”

  51. Phikus says:

    Dbarak@~16: “is the box on the far right supposed to be a vagina or an anus?”

    Depends on how much was spent on making it. Was the owner merely fucked or fucked in the ass on the price?

    I hear the next version will be better, with the benefit of the decency of a reacharound(tm).

  52. Anonymous says:


  53. MrJM says:

    Is that a coital model in your pocket, or are you just testing for blunt puncture?

    – MrJM

  54. bjacques says:

    It can also be used to demonstrate Fudd’s Testicular Law of Opposition: If it goes in, it must come out!

  55. das memsen says:

    damn it- where was this research data one month ago, when I could have used it?

  56. knodi says:

    That’s the second biggest fucking machine I’ve ever seen.

  57. Falcon_Seven says:

    Articles like this are why I keep coming back to BB.

  58. Anonymous says:

    I knew the comments on this would be better than the story! This is great.

  59. MadMolecule says:

    #3 anonymous: I’ve had a condom break before. Luckily it wasn’t at a “crucial” moment, but still a bit of a shock.

  60. The Life Of Bryan says:

    Breaking a condom certainly has its downsides, but at the same time, it’s hard not to be proud.

  61. jso says:

    Heard it from a “professional” that condom breakage has never happened to her and is due exclusively due to a lack of lubrication. Given their “discovery” I think she’s exactly right.

  62. Anonymous says:

    Most awkward moment at this company: Hey Joe, what are you doing up there on the counter? OH!!!

  63. Anonymous says:

    < < Did any of you with breakage think, "Damn, I better return this defecting product." >>

    No, but writing a complaint letter to the manufacturer will net you a few boxes of replacement.

Leave a Reply