Interview with author of Introvert Power

Sophia Dembling of Psychology Today interviewed Dr. Laurie Helgoe, author of a book called Introvert Power. Helgoe says while 57% of Americans identify themselves as introverts, most of them pretend to be extroverts because the culture in the United States frowns on introverts.

SD: What do you think is the most troubling general misconception about introverts?

LH: Wow -- it's hard to choose. I am very troubled by the tendency to define introverts by what they lack. Introversion is a preference, not a fallback plan. Introverts like being introverts. We are drawn to ideas, we are passionate observers, and for us, solitude is rich and generative. Think of all that goes on in the playground of solitude: daydreaming, reading, composing, meditating -- and just being, writing, calculating, fantasizing, thinking, praying, theorizing, imagining, drawing/painting/sculpting, inventing, researching, reflecting. You get the idea.

Interview with author of Introvert Power

• [Anonymous]

  there is def something to be said for allowing introverts their right to solitude and recognizing their right to their own personality, but i fear many are self-identifying as ‘introvert’ to justify their social phobia or underdeveloped social skills.
  hikikomori? nah, just introverts.
  clinically depressed? no way, i’m just introverted.
  etc.

  i speak from experience.

• [randalll]

  I absolutely abhor the idea of self-help literature, but I have to admit I am intrigued by this book.

• [Kimmo]

  In a sense, we’re all fundamentally alone at the end of the day anyway.

  Thus, the extroverts often look like a bunch of shallow posers to this introvert.

• [Hmpf]

  Yes on the phone phobia, here.

  Yes on needing alone time – and plenty of it – to recharge, too.

  And as for finding some social situations and contacts invigorating rather than draining? Uhm, no. I have been enormously fortunate and have had some very fulfilling social relationships; yet even the best friendships, the best conventions, etc., are ultimately draining. Yes, they give me something – a feeling of belonging, of connection – but they are also *always* draining. So even if I’m having an absolutely wonderful time with people, I need a break before I’m ready to repeat the experience.

• [buddy66]

  I’m the most extroverted introvert I’ve ever known, although it wasn’t hard for me to get to know me.

• [zikzak]

  I think the idea that introversion and extroversion are monolithic identities – that you’re either one or the other – is a silly and potentially harmful myth to propagate.

  We all have different behavioral reactions to certain social contexts. Just because you feel introverted at a cocktail party or in a high school classroom doesn’t mean you are “an introvert”. And just because you feel extroverted at the bar or the anime convention doesn’t mean you’re “an extrovert”.

• [MollyMaguire]

  I think a certain amount of child-raising advice (at least in America) is based not on established psychology or physiology but on the idea that a normal healthy kid is extroverted and odd if he/she is not. The idea that infants should learn from a very early age to sleep alone or else they will grow up to be clingy insomniacs is one of these pieces of advice. Another is that toddlers need to be diverted from their natural tendency to hold on to a toy toward sharing and cooperation. It’s a phase that passes. And the American ideal of play, too, is perhaps skewed this way. We, as a country, seem to really encourage team sports where you have to engage quickly with other people as dictated by their actions. As opposed to what I would think of as introverted sports/recreation like hiking or skiing.

• [slywy]

  FWIW, according to MBTI I’m an INFP. I’ve noticed my lack of “popularity” since day one, although I have close friends who will do a great deal for me when it comes down to it. I can never have expectations of “success” and “getting ahead” in the conventional sense because I’m “weird,” “quiet, “too smart.” And getting hired requires me to turn on my actor side, where I knock myself out to engage in the small talk and put on the extrovert face because in corporate America that is what is perceived as a “good fit.” Experience, ability, ideas, etc.—secondary or tertiary to that “good fit” and “great personality.” (Meaning, “Just like mine.”)

• [Anonymous]

  “there is def something to be said for allowing introverts their right to solitude and recognizing their right to their own personality, but i fear many are self-identifying as ‘introvert’ to justify their social phobia or underdeveloped social skills.”

  Very true. This 57% figure isn’t born out by any studies, who’s results range from 25-35% of the population. If you don’t talk because you fear humiliation, but talk garrulously in private to an SO, so are not an introvert. You, like millions of people, just have social anxiety. And this is very treatable with medications and/or counseling. Calling it introversion just leaves people lonely and unhappy.

• [Mark Frauenfelder]

  Very good point Zikzak. I’m more introverted at parties, but am extroverted in front of friends.

• [Anonymous]

  Zikzak,

  I’ve always understood the difference between introverts and extroverts is in how they “recharge”. Extroverts recharge by seeking external stimuli, introverts recharge by reducing external stimuli. I completely agree that social context can have an influence on one’s leaning towards introversion or extroversion at that moment, but if you watch a person under many different circumstances you can get a pretty good idea of where they fall on the scale.

  I consider myself an introvert, nothing is more relaxing than sitting at home reading a book or listening to music, not interacting with people basically. Despite that, I like to go out every now and then; but even though it’s fun it’s not relaxing in the slightest. I know some people that are extroverts to the point of being a stereotype, trying to drag me out of my house because they can’t possibly believe it’s good to spend the night at home, but even those people need a little downtime every now and then.

  I also think it’s good to know whether someone is an introvert or an extrovert in a business setting because you can work with their strengths. Let the extrovert talk to the customers while the introvert does your bookkeeping. If you understand a person’s natural rhythm and work with it life’s better for everybody. Or something like that. ;)

• [stratosfyr]

  What really gets me is when job ads say “The only thing you need is an outgoing personality!” Ugh.

• [TheMadLibrarian]

  I wonder if introversion/extroversion is correlated to other traits, like education? The stereotypes of rowdy bluecollar football fans and socially inept nerds a la Big Bang Theory had to get started from something. We’ve already noted how the anonymity of Teh Intarwebz can turn a normally meek person into a raging asshat sometimes.

• [Gendun]

  Interesting interview — I wish it were longer!

  @Zilzak: The MBTI is rather more sophisticated than all that — it doesn’t work in terms of plastic, monolithic categories. Introversion and extroversion refer to patterns of preference over time. Introverts and extroverts both need solitude and interaction, it’s just the forms of solitude and interaction they tend to prefer are somewhat different.

• [Axx]

  @4 ZIKZAK and @6 MARK

  Most of us are in a ‘gray area’ on the introvert/extrovert scale. The best simple way I’ve heard explained as to how to tell where along the continuum you lie is by answering something similar to the following:

  “After a long day of hard work, how do you recharge? Do you prefer reading/playing single player computer games, hanging out with two or three close friends, or going to play a team sport?”

• [Kimmo]

  Obviously it’s not a strictly binary thing, but many people are identifiably one or the other as a rule.

  I’m an ideas person rather than a people person. I don’t have much time for folks as uninterested in ideas as I am in individual people and the stuff of small talk.

  Most of it is just so much repetitive minutiae anyway; even when it comes to the dramatic stuff, billions have been there before.

  But you can probably tell me an original idea…

  Call me biased if you like, but I’ve reflected on my position ; )

• [Rick.]

  It sounds like introverts and extroverts are just fine and normal. It also sounds like they can both be assholes about it.

• [Moriarty]

  It is absolutely true: in our culture, extroverted behavior is rewarded, and introversion is viewed as some kind of deficiency. Which is foolish. Or maybe that isn’t what the average person actually thinks, but the extroverted perspective inherently dominates, just by being “louder,” distorting what it appears that “everyone” thinks.

• [Antinous / Moderator]

  Introversion has nothing to do with shyness or social ineptitude. Introverts simply find it tiring to be around other people. Extroverts demand attention and introverts give it. Intros may be just as friendly as extros, we just don’t have the energy to give them all the attention they want.

• [Lauren O]

  Very good point Zikzak. I’m more introverted at parties, but am extroverted in front of friends.

  You may be more comfortable talking and joking with your friends, but then you probably need to go home and have some alone time without talking to other people, right? Not that there’s not a gray area, but like Kimmo says, most people are one or the other.

  As an introvert, I used to get really annoyed with this concept of “introvert power.” Compared to sexism, racism, homophobia, etc., I thought this was a stupid thing to complain about. Then I got this awesome job – I was totally qualified for it, I beat out 500 other candidates – and got fired in a week for not being “gregarious” enough, despite the fact that I enthusiastically devoted all my energy to it because I was so excited about it. I still don’t think it’s as pressing a concern as the other social justice issues I mentioned, but after that experience, I realized that actually, yes, I have been concretely discriminated against and financially hurt for being an introvert.

  • [Antinous / Moderator]

    and got fired in a week for not being “gregarious” enough, despite the fact that I enthusiastically devoted all my energy to it because I was so excited about it.

    Sometimes it’s as if the rest of the world is a needy pet. If you don’t keep telling it what a good doggy it is, it turns on you.

• [stegodon]

  interesting that commenters have pretty uniformly identified themselves as introverts.. although that may logically follow considering the title of the article.. this comment is worthless.. coffee wearing off..

• [Wingo]

  I am totally one of those people that finds it tiring to be around others. I feel like I fare pretty well in social situations, and do enjoy them, but it is utterly exhausting for me. I really do like company, but it can’t be sustained for too long – my main operating mode is quiet observation. I think of it as ‘getting my thoughts together time’. If I’ve had a particularly long, stressful day, the very LAST thing I can handle is going out to a loud, crowded bar, or even talking on the phone at length to someone. It’s utterly distressing to me.

  I absolutely have to be alone with a book or good album or an instrument (without outside influence or intrusion) to recharge. I’ve found that if it’s a creative activity, even better, but sometimes just sitting down in a quiet, comfortable room and not doing much else is just fine. And ‘recharge’ is a fantastic word for it. I never quite looked at it that way. But I’ve always felt that I’m never totally at ease unless I’ve had my ‘alone time’ once or twice a week. Otherwise I do feel like I’m running on empty.

  And to this day I get flack for it from people I know all the time. “You’re just hanging out by yourself? What’s your problem? Come to the (insert social event here) with us, weirdo! It’s the weekend!” Or, “Why didn’t you pick up your phone last night – you weren’t doing anything!” They just can’t grasp that losing my needed alone time could possibly ruin my ability to cope when the work week starts again.

  I’ve come to terms with it as an adult, but it was admittedly a huge struggle for me in school as a child. People do tend to really look down on those aren’t extroverted.

• [Anonymous]

  ha ha hee hee, I admit I’m English, but isn’t the forced extroversion thing the most obvious fact for any visitor to the USA?

• [Anonymous]

  I remember getting dinged on a job review by my boss, an extrovert if ever there was one, for being an introvert.

  That might have made sense if I was in a sales position or something requiring an outgoing personality, but I was doing admin work at a computer all day, where my natural quietness and ability to focus were actually assets.

• [Yamara]

  Well, I can say this about introversion and extroversion: Twitter is a cure for neither.

• [Lauren O]

  And to this day I get flack for it from people I know all the time. “You’re just hanging out by yourself? What’s your problem? Come to the (insert social event here) with us, weirdo! It’s the weekend!” Or, “Why didn’t you pick up your phone last night – you weren’t doing anything!” They just can’t grasp that losing my needed alone time could possibly ruin my ability to cope when the work week starts again.

  I hate when that happens! People think I’m snubbing them or don’t like them or whatever. Usually I like them just fine, I just like to stay home and read when I get the chance. It was especially bad in college when staying home and reading often meant doing assignments for classes I was interested in. No one will ever believe that you like homework more than a party. It will always be perceived as a personal slight. My sister is hurt because she’s not the exception to the rule of my aversion to the phone, and I will never convince her that it has nothing to do with me not loving her enough.

• [jfrancis]

  The problem I have with being an introvert is a lot of my artistic accomplishments exist only in my head. I don’t often push through to completion as a finished work in the real world. So sometimes when I’m with other artists I think I’m in the company of peers, but they judge people by what they have done, no what they have thought a lot about doing (and rightly so (I guess)) so my impression of myself gets out of sync with, um, reality.

• [Sekino]

  Ironically, the most extroverted person I’ve known (and one who used to berate me for being ‘antisocial’)ended up being extremely lonely and depressed. She had literally hundreds of ‘friends’ and acquaintances, was attending concerts, parties and get-togethers several times a week and couldn’t be off twitter/LiveJournal for any lenght of time in between. But she never actually developed a close relationship to any of these people and as she got older, it became painfully obvious.

  Extroverts aren’t necessarily better at being around people. They just seek more stimulus than introverts, with mixed results.

• [Manooshi]

  Didn’t Boing Boing already have this extrovert vs. introvert discussion recently?

  Life is NOT as binary as people are artificially constructing here. Sometimes I feel introverted. Other times I feel extroverted. And I can’t quantify either… but if I must, I would say that by necessity I am an introvert, due to the fact that our capitalistic work-day is so taxing and time-consuming… especially if it involves being in a classroom managing/teaching 40 kids.

  I need alone time to know myself better, relax, and yes: recharge.

  I also need social time to know my friends better, experience life beyond my surreal imagination, and PARTY HARD!!

  :)

• [Wingo]

  @Lauren O: I totally have an aversion to the phone – it borders on a phobia. No one seems to understand how uncomfortable I am when I’m on one – lots of people accuse me of making it up just to avoid them when I try to explain this. Often I don’t even remember the conversation afterward because all I’m thinking about is how to end the conversation and put the phone down. I literally have to psych myself up and take deep, calming breaths for a few minutes before placing a call.

  It’s weird because face-to-face, I’m totally fine. For me I think it must have something to do with not having visual cues to read, and sometimes even audio ones – like I can’t fully understand tone and inflection due to the diminished sound quality. Or something like that. Who knows – maybe I was beaten with one as a kid or something and am just repressing it. ;)

  The ultimate proliferation of cell phones we have in the modern world is like my worst nightmare come true. You used to be able to say that you just ‘weren’t home’ when someone called, which is lame, but it was believable. I resisted getting a cell for years after they were pretty much ubiquitous, but now one would just be a literal pariah without it.
  *sigh*

• [Manooshi]

  @Wingo: Your explanation for your “phone aversion” would make more sense if you also could equally apply the “lack of tone and diminished sound quality” to email communication as well. Of which, I assume you have no problem with. An aversion to communicating on the phone is probably not going to hold water as an excuse for never calling a girlfriend the first year of dating, type of thing. So I “hear”.

• [zikzak]

  @gendun, axx: I understand what you’re saying, but I still think the introvert/extrovert dichotomy overlooks a lot of context. For example, say after school I prefer to submerge myself in video games all evening – maybe I’m inherently an introvert, or maybe my friends are just jerks. Or say I feel great and recharged being the center of attention every Sunday at church – maybe I’m an extrovert, of maybe it’s just because everyone there is so kind and open.

  As to whether interacting with people socially is draining or fulfilling, I think almost all of us can think of examples of both. Some people and situations are draining to deal with, some inspire comfort and strength. Which people and which situations vary from person to person, but it seems simplistic to say “if you find being social draining, you are an Introvert”.

  For myself, I recognize that sometimes doing things alone helps me “recharge” but sometimes doing social things does too. I also recognize that I can find both solitude and social engagement very draining, depending on the particular context. I think it’s possible for most of us to feel fulfilled both from being alone and being social, we just have to find the niches which suit us best. Depending on what that niche is, it may be harder for some than others, but it’s probably out there.

• [Lauren O]

  Wingo – exactly! Face-to-face is fine because you can read body language and facial expressions and everything. Online is fine because there’s NO physicality and everyone knows it, plus you get time to think about stuff and edit your words before you react.

  But the phone. The phone is awful! I can’t communicate with a disembodied voice I can barely hear. I guess that’s not necessarily an “introvert” thing, but it takes up a lot of my limited “interacting with people” energy supply.

  I like the proliferation of cell phones, though, because it means I can text people instead of calling them. Not that texting is an ideal form of communication, but I don’t have to do the deep, calming breath exercise beforehand.

• [Brother Provisional]

  I completely disagree with the author’s assertion that parties in general are boring to introverts. Boring parties are boring to all parties involved, but extroverts tend not to register or acknowledge them as such since they’re too busy doing that hive-mind thing they do. Awesome parties are awesome all around, but they usually involve multiple forms of social interaction and multiple social environments, I’ve found. Some people prefer discussing Heidegger over a glass of port, some people like structured games like charades, and some prefer dancing and trying to talk over loud music. An introvert may not want to hang around partying all night long, but its not true to say we don’t enjoy ourselves while we’re there.

• [Manooshi]

  Lauren O: Texting is great! But totally shitty, time-consuming, and immature if your man insists on having a long daunting argument via text messaging, because he “hates talking on the phone”. Sometimes you NEED to talk some shit out before it’s constructive to meet up and talk face to face. Does that make sense? Email is the good alternative if it makes phone-phobes feel “safer” due to “no physicality” or some irrational fear of interpreting the phone as “too confrontational”. However, I have found that my intonation and intentions are often misunderstood, overlooked, or totally ignored via email as well. Aye yay yay.

• [Lauren O]

  Sometimes you NEED to talk some shit out before it’s constructive to meet up and talk face to face. Does that make sense?

  Oh yeah, totally. I mean, as I said, I’m actually comfortable with face-to-face interaction (one-on-one, at least). And introversion or unrelated “phone phobia” is no excuse for avoiding an argument with a family member/friend/significant other. I’m just talking about, like, planning on where to meet for lunch. I will NOT do that on the phone. Ever.

• [Manooshi]

  Lauren O: Agreed. That’s when text messaging RULES! :) In fact, sometimes I get annoyed if someone leaves me a voicemail nowadays. I’ll think, why didn’t they just text message me since I didn’t answer the phone? Lol.

• [Anonymous]

  I’m an introvert that want to be an extrovert. I think it’s a problem that I do enjoy to be alone with learning ideas/facts/skills too much. It’s fine if an introvert likes their lifestype , but i think my life can be better or at least more balance.

  Is there something like AA (introvert-anonymous) where you meet others and perhaps learn to be different? and talk about it without being judged as a weirdo?

  • [Antinous / Moderator]

    Is there something like AA (introvert-anonymous) where you meet others and perhaps learn to be different?

    If you don’t like your most fundamental personality feature, you have way bigger problems than being a introvert. Do an online Myers-Briggs test and read up on qualities of people who share your type. Your life will make sense for the first time.