If literary classics had been titled today

I love Your Monkey Called's list of book titles if they had been published today. Got any of your own? Add 'em to the comments. Best entry gets an invisible, entirely notional rosette and a free* Gideon Bible.

Then: The Wealth of Nations
Now: Invisible Hands: The Mysterious Market Forces That Control Our Lives and How to Profit from Them

Then: Walden
Now: Camping with Myself: Two Years in American Tuscany

Book Titles, If They Were Written Today (via Making Light)

*To collect your prize, you have to pay for a room at a hotel of your choosing.

• [cosanostradamus]

  .
  “The Person Of Color & The Narcissus”

  “Chairman Steele’s Cabin”

  “Caucasian Fang”

  “Altitudinally-Challenged Womyn”

  “Upper-Class Twit Jim”

  “Ms. Rouault-Bovary, PhD.”

  “A Digital Tangelo”

  “The MacBeth’s”

  “The Lucite Game Preserve”

  “War With Gingriches”

  No one reads here in Honolulu. Reading causes occasional mentation, which is uncomfortable and interferes with hind-brain functions, such as hatred. And that’s pretty much all that keeps us going.
  .

• [noromdiam]

  Then: A Brief History of Time
  Now: How Black Holes will kill you: Accessible Astrophysics for Everyone

  Then: Mastering The Art of French Cooking
  Now: French Women Don’t get Fat: The cookbook. Now a major motion picture!

  Then: Joy of Cooking
  Now: Recipes for Everything A to Z. New York Times Best Selling Cookbook, 50 years in a row!

• [Anonymous]

  Then: The Book of Ezekiel
  Now: The Psychedelic Experience

  Then: Schindler’s List
  Now: Tyler Perry’s Schindler’s List

• [Sciurus]

  Then – The War of the Worlds
  Now – The War of the Religons

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Jane Eyre
  Now: The Girl they Locked in the Red Room (and possibly Intended to Swap for a Packet of Cigarettes…)

  Then: Nausea
  Now: Existentialism for Dummies.

  Steve Jensen

• [yunmen]

  #10 is really, really great.

• [Anonymous]

  Then: The hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy
  Now: Wikipedia Galactica

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Of Mice and Men
  Now: Lessons With Lenny: How a Special Man Taught me Some of the Toughest Lessons in Life

• [buddy66]

  Huckleberry Finn
  Moon River: a journey of discovery

  Dune
  The Sand Worms

  A Prayer For Owen Meany
  A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY

• [Anonymous]

  my favorites number 7 :)

• [mdh]

  Then: Das Kapital
  Now: Das Boot

• [Hattmannen]

  Joseph Heller
  Then: Catch 22
  Now: Catch 22

  Franz Kafka
  Then: The Trial
  Now: Peer Preassure and the Social Psychology of Urban Life – The Fictive Tale of the Mental Adventures of Josef K

  Dr. John Gray
  Then: Men Are from Mars, Women from Venus
  Now: Gender-related Mentalities – A Generalized Overview for the Impatient

  Then: 1984, George Orwell
  Now: Brave new world, Aldous Huxley

• [Liquidhal]

  Then: On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life

  Now: The Origin of Species

  I took a look at new books coming out on Amazon, titles don’t really seem that much different for respective works. Non-fiction tends toward longer more descriptive titles, while fiction seems to range from simple nouns like names and places to abstract phrases. People here seem to creating titles that give a non-fiction spin on fiction, which I don’t think was the intent of the link.

• [74rex]

  Then: The Bell Jar
  Now: The Emo Handbook

• [geddygibson]

  In #55, I meant “Philosophical Investigations,” not “Logical Investigations.” Sorry.

• [Itsumishi]

  Ahh, ok. That makes some sense I suppose. Although despite some of the similarities I’ve never considered those books along quite the same lines.

  Was just a bit confused by that.

• [Takuan]

  why, it’s the Proto-Game! See?

• [Anonymous]

  Stupid exercise and transparent attempts at displays of erudition. But why not further aid the debasement of literature! Let’s make soundbites . . .

• [cognitive dissonance]

  Jules Verne:
  20,000 Leagues Under the Seas:
  69,000 Miles in a Submarine

  Jack London:
  The Call of the Wild:
  Buck’s Animal Trafficking Misadventure

• [Itsumishi]

  Then: 1984, George Orwell
  Now: Brave new world, Aldous Huxley

  What?? Are you implying that Aldous Huxley somehow ripped off 1984 or is there some other joke I’m completely missing here?

  –

  Then: The Kraken Wakes
  Now: The Alien Influence: The truth about global warming and it’s effect on you.

• [querent]

  Euclid’s Elements

  Geometry for Engineers and Applied Scientists…Made Simple!

• [norskamerikansk]

  Then: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
  Now: Startup Assets: Social Mobility in a Nation in Recession.

• [norskamerikansk]

  I think number 3 might write for the Onion…

• [tp1024]

  Labeling “The wealth of nations” with “Invisible Hands” just goes to proof you never read the book.

  Here are two quotes from the book, just so you read at least some of it:

  “But besides all the bad effects to the country in general, which have already been mentioned as necessarily resulting from a higher rate of profit, there is one more fatal, perhaps, than all these put together, but which, if we may judge from experience, is inseparably connected with it. The high rate of profit seems everywhere to destroy that parsimony which, in other circumstances, is natural to the character of the merchant. When profits are high, that sober virtue seems to be superfluous, and expensive luxury to suit better the affluence of his situation.”

  “But the rate of profit does not, like rent and wages, rise with the prosperity, and fall with the declension of the society. On the contrary, it is naturally low in rich, and high in poor countries, and it is always highest in the countries which are going fastest to ruin.”

• [Anonymous]

  By Isaac Asimov
  Then: “Buy Jupiter!”
  Now: “WTF!”

• [Anonymous]

  The House at Pooh Corner and Werewolves

• [PaulR]

  duallain @3:
  That’d be:
  “Now: 233 degrees Celsius, the temperature at which paper self-ignites at standard partial pressures and oxygen content.”

  And in a century or so, right around the time that the USA finally decides to go metric:
  Kelvin 1EA to 206
  [look here and blink to connect to Wiki entry on "Paper"]
  [look here and blink to connect to Wiki entry on "AutoIgnition"]
  [look here and blink to connect to the Wiki Entry on "Ray Bradbury"]
  [look here and blink to tweet that you're blinking now]
  [look here and blink if you want a larger penis]
  [look here and blink if your iPhone is on fire]

• [Phikus]

  A Sale of Two Titties

  A Computerized Citrus

  Lewd Mid-day Meal

  The President of Several Small Articles of Jewelry

  Xenophobe In a Weird Area

  The Transportationally Challenged Manual to the Stars

• [Anonymous]

  The Facebook of Dorian Gray

  Oh wait..

• [Moriarty]

  The Epic of Gilgamesh
  –>
  Finding Enkidu: The Edge of the World

  The Iliad
  –>
  Pantheon: Vengeance of Fire

  The Odyssey:
  –>
  Pantheon: Rage of the Sea God

  Colon: All You Need to Know About Punctuation in Titles

• [+sp+]

  Then: 1984
  Now: 2009

• [zikman]

  @15 +SP+

  brilliant!

• [Versh]

  Ah, such butchery…

  Then:
  Breakfast of Champions
  Now:
  Dwayne Hoover: Coming to Terms With The Robots of Midland City

  Then:
  Portrait of the Artist as a Young Dog
  Now:
  A Poet’s Memories: Long with Sentences, Short on Time

  Then: Crime & Punishment
  Now: The Pawn-Broker Murders

• [2k]

  The Art of War.

  How to make friends and influence people.

• [querent]

  @ 51

  great

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Great Expectations

  Now: Can’t Catch A Break

• [Grozbat]

  Then:
  The Adventures of Robinson Crusoe

  Now:
  How To Quit Civilisation: The Downshifting Bible

• [JJR1971]

  Wealth of Nations is a bad example, since the original title was:

  ====================================
  An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations
  =================================

  /pedant]

• [shelleyjld]

  Then: Dr. Faustus
  Now: How to Get Everything You Want in Three Easy Steps

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Pride and Prejudice

  Now — No Sex, No City

• [failix]

  Anonymous @#30

  “Then: Liasons Dangereux
  Now: Biography of a President: The Clinton White House”

  Now: Liaisons Dangereux
  Then: Liaisons Dangereuses
  ;-)

• [shutz]

  Then: À la recherche du temps perdu, by Marcel Proust
  Now: In Search of Lost Time, the novelization of the first installment in the major motion picture series.

• [Hattmannen]

  @#58 I’m not suggesting a rip-off. I merely suggest that were it today, 1984 would not have been written at all, since it’s basically all here already. Thus we need to take it even further. Enter: Aldous Huxley. :-)

  On second thought, maybe if 1984 was written today )or better still a sequel) it would probably be named: “Told You So”

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Das Capital
  Now: Life, Inc.

• [hokano]

  Then: Moby Dick
  Now: Sea Trek 2: The Wrath of Ahab

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Liasons Dangereux
  Now: Biography of a President: The Clinton White House

  Then: Pride and Prejudice
  Now: Biography of a President: The Obama White House

  Then: Animal Farm
  Now: Biography of a President: The Bush White House

• [mdh]

  “Civil Disobedience” ==> “LIAR!”

  • [Antinous / Moderator]

    mdh,

    Did you mean to use the dickicon?

• [mdh]

  @ antinous, is my freudian slip showing? No. I didn’t intend it.

• [duallain]

  Then: Fahrenheit 451
  Now: 450 degrees Celsius, the temperature at which paper self-ignites.

• [ck]

  Then: The Old Man and the Sea
  Now: The Favour, The Watch, and the Very Big Fish

• [yunmen]

  Then: The Divine Comedy
  Now: To Hell (And Heaven!) and Back: A Memoir of a Spiritual Mid-Life Crisis and a Journey of Self-Discovery

• [hokano]

  Then: Oedipus the King
  Now: Come to Mama [Harlequin Blaze, of course]

• [nanuq]

  Mein Kampf

  Everything You Wanted to KNow about being a Crazy Dictator but Were Afraid to Ask

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Wuthering Heights
  Now: Women who love bad men and their insidious effects on their families.

• [Teller]

  Then: Fahrenheit 451.
  Now: Fahrenheit 460 in 10 Years or Sooner.

  Then: Steal This Book
  Now: P2P

• [dzacharias]

  Then: Sense And Sensibility*
  Now: OMGWTF!

  (Note: anything can be substituted for the Then book)

• [Anonymous]

  Then: The Taming of the Shrew
  Now: The Subjugation of the Bitch

• [Anonymous]

  Then: Nineteen Eighty Four
  Now: How I learned to stop worrying and love Big Brother.

• [geddygibson]

  Then: Logical Investigations
  Now: This Game of Language

  Then: Ulysses
  Now: Leo Bloom’s Day Off

  Then: Critique of Pure Reason
  Now: Thinking with the Categories: What your subconscious mind may already be telling you about space, time, and science

  Then: The Stranger
  Now: My Own Private Desert Storm

• [Big Ed Dunkel]

  Then: Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
  Now: Oh, The Places You Won’t Go Because of Tougher Immigration Laws!

• [franko]

  Then: A Tale of Two Cities

  Now: TL;DR

• [grikdog]

  Then: A Midsummer Night’s Dream
  Now: Bottom’s Up – Sex and Aversion in the Wiccan Woods

• [bazzargh]

  CHARLES J. DICKENS
  The Twist Progression

  CHARLES J. DICKENS
  The Jarndyce Inheritance
  BY THE AUTHOR OF THE TWIST PROGRESSION

  CHARLES J. DICKENS
  THE NEW INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLER
  The Havisham Agenda

  BOZ SKETCHING
  The Cities Trilogy
  FROM MASTER STORYTELLER CHARLES J. DICKENS

  (Oliver Twist, a Parish Boy’s Progress; Bleak House; Great Expectations; A Tale of Two Cities)