Lavishly terrible writing, illustrated lavishly

Joel Stickley's "How To Write Badly Well" blog lavishly illustrates some of the rules for good/bad writing. I usually give my writing students a copy of the excellent Turkey City Lexicon, but this makes a nice (and hilarious) adjunct:

Joe Stockley paced the floor of his office and cursed under his breath. Dammit, he thought, why am I such a brilliant writer that no-one ever understands the depth and complexity of my work? It's almost as if I'm the only real person in the world and all the other people are just automatons! No, that can't be (he thought). Can it...?

Just then, he was interrupted by the ringing of his top of the range iPhone 3GS (32GB).

'Hello?' he said, his voice booming with a timbre which was capable of simultaneously charming his many admirers and intimidating any who dared oppose him.

'Hello Joe,' a mellifluous voice came floating back. 'It's your loving wife here.'

'Hello, my beautiful-beyond-compare, talented and intelligent wife,' said Joe, his laughter reverberating around the expensive fixtures and fittings of his luxurious house.

How To Write Badly Well

• [jonrock]

  I prefer the Lyttle Lytton contest: http://adamcadre.ac/09lyttle.html

• [anselmlingnau]

  Is it just me or doesn’t that read exactly like Dan Brown?

  • [anselmlingnau]

    Come to think of it, if it *was* Dan Brown it would have started with »Renowned writer Joe Stockley paced …« and he would be dead on the next page.

• [Anonymous]

  Funny, I was just thinking that it’s about two prepositional phrases away from Douglas Adams. Or several dozen dangling participles down the road from Ronald Firbank.

• [afkunk]

  Reminds me of the Bulwer-Lytton contest for worst opening line:
  http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2009.htm