Abstinence-only rappers sing about the "Christian Side Hug"

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119 Responses to “Abstinence-only rappers sing about the "Christian Side Hug"”

  1. http://stuffchristianslike.net/

    It’s an old joke from Stuff Christians Like.

    Do us Christians really have that bad of a reputation that no one thinks we have a sense of humor?

  2. athlwulf says:

    The sad thing is that the kind of logic that is used (front hugs lead to sex and presumably Hell) is the same kind of slippery slope logic used in other instances (“if there were no God, I’d rape and murder”, and “if we pass healthcare reform, our country will become fascist”) Why stop at front hugs, I ask, won’t bumping your asses together also lead to sex?

    There’s an old joke in Christian schools: Why don’t christians allow pre-marital sex? Because it leads to dancing. These guys fail.

  3. mellowknees says:

    wow…hilarious and horrible at the same time, much like the extremely silly music played at many Christian camps and conventions I went to as a kid. I remember one set of lyrics in particular that I think these kids could relate to:

    “I have decided to live like a believer, turn my back on the deceiver; I’m gonna leave it to the Lord. I have decided that being good is just a fable, I just can’t cuz I’m not able, I’m gonna leave it to the Lord…”

    I wonder if these kids believe in the newly redefined notion of “personal responsibility” (i.e. poor people should just work harder and then they could have healthcare) and yet cannot trust themselves to hug another human being without just throwing them to the ground and screwing them. Makes no sense whatsoever.

    And, sorry, but I am SURE that Jesus would hug people for real, not just some lame squeeze from the side action.

  4. manhackman says:

    Gun shots and sirens….

  5. Antinous / Moderator says:

    Did you get a good look at them? I’d take evasive maneuvers if one of them tried to hug me.

  6. Anonymous says:

    “I ain’t afraid to call your momma. You’ll be ridin’ home in a coma.”

    Hugging is bad, but beating someone into unconsciousness FOR hugging is acceptable?

  7. nrkn says:

    Give her that Christian Back F-ck, that Christian Back F-ck
    Don’t wanna pop that cherry, be like the Virgin Mary!

  8. Anonymous says:

    So, do those kids consider side hugs “dry-hugging”?

    Because it’s not a sin if you do it with your clothes on.

  9. rEDcELL says:

    I have never seen a group more in need of getting LAID!

  10. Nawel says:

    This is… no, I don’t know what the hell is this crap. Nonsensical crap. damn, it sucks!

  11. Gilbert Wham says:

    Side-hugs sound fabulously erotic to me…

  12. Chuck says:

    I’ve known plenty of Christian women who are excellent front-huggers.

    I probably shouldn’t mention their names, though. Otherwise they could be subjected to a drive-by honor killing. (With that song blaring on the car’s sound system, no doubt.)

  13. Anonymous says:

    My life no longer has any meaning. I’ve been front hugging… I’m going to hell…

    I’ll see you on the other side… Side-huggers.

  14. Aloisius says:

    Dude, your mom is such a MILTFH.

    Should I feel guilty for having front hugged my sister and mother? Oh and both my brothers? I feel so dirty.

  15. slgalt says:

    Saddest line eveh: “Jesus didn’t hug.”

    • memoi2001 says:

      Now correct me if I’m wrong (me christian upringing was a bit lacking and a long time ago), jesus went around with a couple of guys and a prostitute, promoting messages of love and tolerance..
      Surely their were a few hugs somewhere in their?

      And without being nasty to the christians among you, if these guys are so horny that they can’t give a frontal hug without being irreversably tempted to sin, then maybe the whole abstinence thing isn’t the way to go..
      A hug is a hug, it means “hey we’re close”, not “let’s pretend to be rabbits” (if clothes are involved, naked hugging = all bets off)

  16. Anonymous says:

    How’s about a Liverpool Kiss, dear rappers?

  17. jfrancis says:

    I’ve been doing mine doggy style.

  18. UncommonSense says:

    “Democratic shift in the Congress. Repub! (repeat)”

    Was that the line? I’m having a hard time believing what I’m hearing.

  19. Editz says:

    So where do they stand on intercrural sex?

    Gimme dat Christian Leg Hug!

  20. Sean Blueart says:

    The lyric cited @#111 immediately calls to ming this lyric from “Run” in Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”…”And if they catch you in the back seat tryin’ to pick her locks, They’re gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box. You’d better run!”

  21. Anonymous says:

    I’m sure Jesus is laughing or crying or both.

  22. Sean Blueart says:

    “The Christian Side-Hug (or the CSH, as the kids call it) rids us of sin”

    Mark, from a Christian standpoint, your statement is inaccurate. It’s about avoiding the opportunity to sin (open yourself up to an unwanted sexual expression) that they’re speaking about, not that a front-hug is in itself a sin.

    If you don’t agree with someone else’s ideal, no matter how humorous, weird, twisted or lame you may judge the expression of that ideal to be, at least have the balls to be be decent yourself. Your commentary reads like a New York Post headline. I say, it’s unfair of you.

  23. Daemon says:

    Ok, so it’s rap. Done why white guys. With no talent. On an abysmally stupid topic. So very much the opposite of a wonderful thing.

    In related news, apparently it is still trendy in some areas for christian girls to have anal sex so as to preserve their virginity.

  24. autark says:

    front hugs – not ok
    rough riding – totally ok

    is that kinda like… “mary was only a virgin if you don’t count anal”?

  25. watman says:

    I do admit that at times my eyes were closed due to an involuntary panic mechanism activating but what the hell is a side hug? Was it that weird shoulder-squeeze manoeuvre I glimpsed briefly?

    In any case they should come to South Africa where we will happily illustrate how real guns work. It is no laughing matter.

  26. Sean Blueart says:

    Mark, I spoke prematurely, and I apologize. I now see that the comment was not yours. It’s the Huffinton Post that I believe is unfair.

    • Santa's Knee says:

      That was quite a little tirade.

      You should be very embarrassed.

      You need to close on a good note with Mark.

      Finish it by saying that you are sorry, Sean.

      • Sean Blueart says:

        Well, I do regret my jumping the gun, and I thought that I had adequately said so. I clearly recognize that I made a mistake, I don’t feel embarrassed though. I’m guessing that maybe you’re looking for something specific. Would you be willing to be more clear about what that might be?

  27. awwhoneybear says:

    man, there are so many things to say to this. but, for space, i’ll just say: lols.

  28. Anonymous says:

    I hate how they call it the Christian side hug. God gave us the name “Christian” as it means to be Christ like. I seem to remember Jesus Christ embracing many people in his days. not to mention…o dear…Jesus Kissed Judas on the cheek….oh…oh no.

    Whoever this group is they are just simply putting there ideals and there opinions in a song and throwing God into it. this mocks everything God stands for. Love one another. treat others as you wish to be treated…and let me promise you…I want a full loving hug.

  29. Sean Blueart says:

    FROM “ekincade” -posted on the Huffington Post site:

    Go to this church, and know all those guys personally. This was a huge joke, and was not the first time this was actually performed. Front hugs aren’t sinful in and of themselves, and all the leadership there understand that. This was mostly satire, and although there were some inappropriate things, it was made very clear this was a joke.

  30. ASIFA-Hollywood Animation Archive says:

    It looks to me like these kids are having way too much fun to be totally serious. It’s a joke. I normally don’t care much for rap music, but I got all the way through this video because the kids were pretty funny.

  31. Powerphail says:

    I like the bit at the end where they all get shot and stop singing.

  32. dhalgren says:

    Being a former Christian of the proselytizing kind, this is nothing new. Back in the early 80′s this was rampant among the churches I attended. Want to know what? It was back then and still is my biggest pet peeve, not just with Christians but with people who are Side-Ways oriented huggers.

    Side-Hugs to me always seemed half-assed attempts at being friendly with people. I never understood it then and I find it laughable now. I’d rather you shake my hand and look me in the eyes or punch me in the face then give me a side hug.

    To me it always screamed, “Sorry you’re not someone I’d really want to hug, but here’s my half-ass attempt so I don’t look like a total cold fish.”

    Hard to believe this nonsense is still floating around…wait I did get a side hug the other day. I mean it’s not like I roll around with a constant hard on…

  33. mgfarrelly says:

    Ruff Riders? Misuse of Star Wars backtracks? Hoodies and towel-spinning?

    So much wrong.

    Funny thing, I was in a Catholic youth group as a teenager (Lasallian Youth) and one of the sweetest things about it was how often and how freely people would hug each other. I didn’t come from a very “huggy” family and being around truly affectionate people (some of whom were *GASP* girls!) really helped me open up to people later in life.

    If these people came to my Unitarian congregation they’d probably die of panic from all the front-hugging.

  34. freshacconci says:

    This just makes me sad.

  35. Day Vexx says:

    YouTube is totally broken– I kept hitting the “HQ” button, but the group was still awful!

    But seriously, do people really listen to this stuff?

  36. dhalgren says:

    Oh and let’s not forget: You CANNOT sleep on your stomach/front if you are a guy. In a room full of high school boys we got a 30 minute lecture on the sins of sleeping on our stomachs.

    I won’t say another word about it. You can figure out the lecture from that.

  37. Landawon says:

    It’s not so much a “new alternative” to regular hugs created to prevent the risk of touching, it’s more poking fun at a funny part of Christian culture that has developed. Pastors, especially those at more pentecostal churches, are notorious for these side hugs. I get a kick out of them – and, as a pastor, do my best to stem the tide and unleash lots of awesome hugs. Oh, subcultures…

  38. Anonymous says:

    Ummmm…ok where to begin with this tragic display of religion gone wrong. 1.This misguided group of proverbial sheep chooses to get their message out via a gangsta rap style medium to include the suggestion of violence and criminal activity 2.Apparently there are no rules govering the touching of oneself, which may be a blessing as that is likely the only outlet these deluded desciples have. All the crotch grabbing is certainly no way to minimize the sinful urges they are contesting.I am highly surprised their mentors have not warned them of the potential blindness and hairy palms that this could bring about. 3. The term of “roughrider” is probably not the best choice of verse as it derives from a military war term which again references their affinity for violence. Although, I would likely be violent too if I were repressed to this level of denial regarding the human condition and our biologically predisposed sexual nature. I also reeks of a double entendre insinuating that they are actually sadistic sex enthusiasts….again with the violence. The moral of the story here is repression leads to aggresion and craptactular displays of expression. And you can quote me.

  39. Anonymous says:

    Take it from someone who grew up in Vacaville and knows a few people that go to or went to this giant converted supermarket of a church, they have a sense of humor…

    This is a parody of all things Vacaville… The white t-shirted wannabe suburban gangstas and all. We atheists are a smug bunch and have a nice belly laugh every time some Christian wants to ban video games or Harry Potter books, I think this time the joke is on us. There is no Christian Side Hug…

  40. naharnahekim says:

    Grew up Catholic, and I’ll tell you what, them papists are some of the front hugginist mother fuckers you’ve ever met.
    I fondly remember going to these youth for christ rallies, or my personal favorite “church dates”. In that sort of environment you are absolutely guaranteed 3 things Fun/Stupid games or camp songs, as much pizza and soda as you can stand, and hardcore makin’ out at every opportunity. I defy you to put that many 13-16 year olds in the same room and not have some major first base action goin’ on somewhere.

    My last year of High school I started going to a Unitarian church, and their events were exactly the same, except you didn’t have to hide under the stairs, or in a broom closet, you just hoped on one of the many comfy couches strewn about the facility and commenced to lock lips.
    Oppressive sexual mores, or free wheeling anything goes spirituality, it all ends the same, with chap lips and a wicked case of Mono.

  41. kossmikman says:

    Quick, someone go help and save those messed up kids and teach them about the joy of front hugs!

  42. Garafraxa says:

    Between all the yelling and the hoods, these guys fell less “old skool” and more “old testament”. Side-hugs or not, I’d still rather not run into these Christians in a dark alley.

  43. MarySueLives says:

    I’d like to make two points:

    1) Not all Christians are this extremely special brand of crazycakes.

    2) Despite being a Christian for 25 of the last 30 years, the place I first encountered side-hugs were in my mandatory Risk Avoidance classes when I was doing my Master’s Degree in Education*. The side-hug is one of the five appropriate ways to touch children. The other four I was taught are on the elbow, on the wrist, on the shoulder towards the back, and for some crack-smoking reason, across the shoulders just below the front of the neck.

    ——
    *Oregon requires all teachers to have master’s degrees, and the student loan debt load to go along with it.

    • Cicada says:

      Oddly, those sound like good starting positions for a Judo throw– rough kids?

    • Steaming Pile says:

      This extremely special brand of crazycakes will also deny you the appellation “Christian” over your refusal to be as nuts as they are. Not only that, this extremely special brand of crazycakes is also extremely loud, thus, ordinary sane mainstream Christians easily become associated with this extremely special brand of crazycakes, even among each other.

      It would be useful to create a special term just for those people. Talibornagains is one that I see a lot. The problem arises when you call them something like “ultra-Christian nutjobs” or something like that. It reinforces their assertion that you’re oppressing them for being Christian, when you’re really oppressing them for being nuts.

  44. Anonymous says:

    “you ain’t no rabi, you ain’t no priest”.. cause we all know what a bunch of front hugin’ perverts those catholics and jews are…. wtf, anti-semetic and anti-catholic, these clowns are definitely going to hell.

  45. Cicada says:

    Really, in a way it implies something impressive– that there are people so _far_ from jaded that they, if pressed front-to-front with a random member of the desired sex, will be nigh-overwhelmed with sexual urges.
    Versus those of us who’d yawn during a Tijuana donkey show.

    Can’t say whether having the bar set that low would be a blessing or a curse, but it’d surely make life interesting.

    • blueelm says:

      With you on that. What’s next for them, special blinder goggles, a bubble suit? I love how they like references to violence but hate sex though.

  46. Anonymous says:

    This makes me want to hurt people and should never have been allowed to exist.

  47. Anonymous says:

    Doesn’t the Bible tell us to greet one another with a kiss?

    1 Corinthians 16:20

  48. benher says:

    Is this maneuver compatible with the hug-light posted earlier?

    Also, unbeknown to most borneggins, you can, in fact perform sex-acts from the side – Giggity!

  49. ch1mp says:

    holy batshitcrazy batman!

    please stop it america, it’s getting silly.

  50. Anonymous says:

    It’s a satire for Christ’s sake.

    http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-talk-christian-side-hugnov30,0,6899998.column

    Please update the post to reflect that.

  51. Snig says:

    Not often that you find yourself wishing that a video was actually a Rickroll.

    And yes, if all Christians were this brand of crazycakes, they’d be far fewer of them.

  52. Anonymous says:

    I think these people should wait FAR beyond marriage for sex…It is truly a sin for them to procreate either before or after marriage.

  53. k0an says:

    I’m leaning towards satire on this one.

  54. fataltourist says:

    Once I front hugged, and a baby came out.

  55. Chris Tucker says:

    Max Headroom called.

    He wants his background returned to him at Network XXIII.

  56. Eseck says:

    My forehead is still painfully red from face palming.

  57. Anonymous says:

    ‘finally’? I learnt the concept of ‘Hey dude, no frontal hugging’ approximately 15 years ago from a group of Americans on a Christian evangelism mission.

  58. Anonymous says:

    The hilarious part is that some of the background music is the Imperial March from Star Wars. Is the message here that Jesus is Darth Vader?

  59. Anonymous says:

    Undeniable proof that God doesn’t exist.

  60. Mitch says:

    And next teach them how to conserve their virginity for marriage with the Christian rear f_k.

    And MarySueLives makes a good point. Not all Christians are silly.

  61. Paul D says:

    Those guys are probably getting side hand jobs back stage.

  62. Mitch says:

    How come these guys don’t like rabbis and Angelina Jolie?

  63. IWood says:

    Not everyone keeps their genitals in the same place.

  64. BCK says:

    If only Bristol Palin had been privy to these guys…

  65. seanboing says:

    What happened to the a-frame hug?

  66. mypalmike says:

    Rapping about inhibiting sexuality among young people is “crazycakes”, but an invisible man in the sky, virgin birth, angels, demons, miracles, etc. is totally grounded.

  67. jonathan_v says:

    I saw this a few days ago.. thought it was a satire… scared to find out its real real.

    The YouTube user ( http://www.youtube.com/user/TFHvideos ) has another rap video about immigrant russian gangsters where they seem to introduce rules about some sort of youth conference , and a 3 part ‘parody’ on the office.

    The phrase “the father’s house” is used by a few christian groups. one in california is doing this conference… http://egconference.org/2010/ … notice the stage looks the same

  68. BdgBill says:

    A bunch of white suburban kids dressed up as L.A. gangbangers singing in fake “black” accents to a recording of police sirens and gunshots. All they were missing for the racist trifecta was blackface makeup.

    Would love to drop these kids off at the corner of Rosecrans and Alameda in Compton while wearing their little costumes. See how far their “yeah yeah yeah boyzzzz” routine gets them there.

    I would also be willing to bet a few paychecks that the male performers are using their “fame” to get a little something from some of those Good Christian girls in the audience on a regular basis.

  69. crashgrab says:

    Do they not know what the slang word “rough rider” means? Why are they promoting side hugs if they’re rough riders? Look it up in the Urban Dictionary if you’re not familiar.

  70. takeshi says:

    The Urban Dictionary defines “rough rider” as: (i) a condom covered with spikes enhancing sexual experience for the female, sometimes pain, (ii) someone who prefers dry anal or vaginal sex, or is extra rough with intercourse, (iii) a person who excels in sex, (iv) the act of taking a shit facing the opposite way on the toilet with your arms resting on the tank, simulating riding a bucking bronco.

  71. pj.mcnally says:

    Hmm, “Bang Bang Bang” gunshot openings are allowed, but front hugging isn’t?

    • Felton says:

      I suppose they don’t abstain from drive-bys.

    • Chocolatey Shatner says:

      Because violence is good and love and affection are bad. Don’t you know anything about the Bible? Or at least the parts that say that as opposed to the parts where it says the opposite.

  72. Anonymous says:

    Instead of hugging like humans they going around hugging like horny dogs humping legs.

  73. Loraan says:

    I’m simultaneously horrified and disgusted. I keep wanting to cry that people exist who are so jaded about their own bodily functions (sex), and then I’ll get terrified that they will come after me with their sickness and try to impose it on me.

  74. boxbrown says:

    I know this one chick, she’ll totally front hug anyone, slut.

  75. Cefeida says:

    So is this or isn’t it a joke?

    Because I can’t decide if my very Christian self should laugh or cry.

  76. anthropomorphictoast says:

    And here I thought there wasn’t anything lamer than suburban kids rapping. I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

  77. kperkins says:

    Also: Crotch Grabs? Are those allowed, while hugging isn’t? (I mean the singers were doing some–admittedly half-assed– crotch grabs while singing.)
    I like hugging. If more people hugged, the world would be a much better place.

  78. pyster says:

    http://ph.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080522205446AAoL5Sf

    1st Corinthians 7:4 A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is.

    Insert something really mean spirited form Carlin here about an invisible man in the sky…

  79. Anonymous says:

    I’m stunned.

    I tried to find the lyrics but couldn’t.

    However at the start there’s a line that goes:

    “These are the E G rules, so pay attention. It’s essential. This ain’t no front hug zone. (unintelligible) No front hugs and no kissin’. I ain’t that scared to call your momma. You’ll be ridin’ home in coma.”

    Lovely.

    From what I could find out E G stands for Encounter Generation and this is from their February 2009 conference held in Vacaville. It’s run by a Christian fundamentalist group called The Father’s House aimed at seeding Christian values in teenagers.

  80. Quest4pi says:

    @BdgBill

    Good call, because the answer to hate is more hate.

    • Santa's Knee says:

      “@BdgBill

      Good call, because the answer to hate is more hate.”

      No, he’s using a more updated version of your “And if your eye offends you, pluck it out” concept:

      “And if thy eye causeth thee to sin, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell-fire.” – Matthew 18:9

  81. ecobore says:

    Jeez, SIDE hugs… America is SO fucked up!!! Thank dog for Obama!

  82. p96 says:

    Wow, that’s messed up.

  83. Anonymous says:

    In their YouTube comments, the folks from this church, at this event, said that this was a big self-lampooning joke. Christians are just as fed up with selfrighteous rules and regulations as everyone else is, and poke fun at it a great deal.

  84. mdh says:

    “I’m buying babies, like Angeline Jolie” (to rhyme with holy)

    that is quite a stretch. Too whitey for my tastes.

  85. Anonymous says:

    What about the bro-hug rules? One arm only, more side than front, tapping required. Amirite or what?

  86. Anonymous says:

    I had a horrid day. Thanks internet. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.

  87. Cefeida says:

    In my mostly Catholic country, we kiss each other to say hello, regardless of the gender configuration. Should I pray?

  88. wolfiesma says:

    I’d be moved beyond words if my students put something like this together. If their church gives them the opportunity to be involved in a music production like this I think its wonderful.

    The thing that made me sad was the sort of subtle political messaging in there. It was hard to make out, but I think they were chanting, Repub! Repub! at one point and I certainly don’t approve of that. Christian youth ought to take up the mantle of social justice that the Dems (for all their shortcomings) still carry. Who would Jesus vote for? Obama, yo.

  89. Djhopscotch says:

    I don’t think they know what “rough rider” means.

  90. Anonymous says:

    Almost too good to be real. Are we sure this isn’t just another stunt from EA marketing for Dante’s Inferno?

  91. SkullHyphy says:

    Am I the only one who thinks that their declarations of being rough riders is inconsistent w/ the general theme of the song?

    • Santa's Knee says:

      “Am I the only one who thinks that their declarations of being rough riders is inconsistent w/ the general theme of the song?”

      No – the idea is that sex should only happen when the participants are sanctioned by THE CHURCH©®.

      Once you have paid for and recieved said sanction – the ideology of THE CHURCH©® mandates uninhibted reproduction, so as to create future members of THE CHURCH©®.

      To NOT be a rough rider is, to quote the Pope, “dangerous individualism”.

  92. Anonymous says:

    ummmm so hugging is bad? sinful? man this world is really fucked up. This is in the name of goodness? god? love? all love and logic lost here.

    really guys start living and just full on give a real frontal hug, two hands, bodies together and feel the pulse of someone else, really feel alive instead of worrying about living to much…and then if you still feel bad-repent.

  93. RedShirt77 says:

    doesn’t being a “rough rider” negate any advantage in side hugs?

  94. Brock says:

    Which of the Urban Dictionary’s definitions of “rough rider” do you suppose they were using?

  95. BoydJones says:

    The next logical step might be to ban all social contact between men and women — a la Saudi Arabia.

    • RedShirt77 says:

      Christianity and Islam don’t really seem all that different in the grand scheme of things. Christians think they are in power so they are institutional terrorists rather than paramilitary terrorists.

  96. Zadaz says:

    Wait, what? Front hugs are bad?

    I’ve front hugged my mother! Heck, I might have front hugged your mother!

    Well, okay, when it’s put that way it does sound like I’m going to hell.

  97. Eric Ragle says:

    I just don’t know what to say about this. It’s like they knew how to make a video that would create an emotional salad in me. Disgust, anger, sadness, disappointment, embarrassment….*sigh*

    Is it just me or is the divide in this country due to one side progressing in their evolution and one side attempting to regress and deny their evolution?

    • Santa's Knee says:

      “It’s like they knew how to make a video that would create an emotional salad in me.”

      And they tossed it fer ya, as well…

  98. Boba Fett Diop says:

    This is why I always go one step further, and only hug from behind.

    What?

  99. Keneke says:

    THIS is why I hate contemporary services. Please, give me a choir and some organ music.

  100. Anonymous says:

    try to watch the video with only focussing on the girl in red right hand side…without hiding under your desk.

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