Patent for a screw-in coffin

201002091334

Donald Scruggs of Chino, CA was awarded a patent in 2007 for a self-boring coffin. (Via Random Good Stuff)

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voided

Screw that! I will opt go out in freeze dried style:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promession
obeyken

Brand name: “One Last Screw”
zimmund

It’d be good for in-treatment necrophiliac people who want to keep on thinking they are screwing people.
(there you go, arborman!)
arborman

Let the necrophilia jokes begin.
- Trent Hawkins
  
  Alright… how’s this: “It takes more then one to screw in a coffin”
- failsafeman
  
  This would render the tedious chore of digging up a grave obsolete, provided there was an easy way to open the tops. Maybe with some sort of special wrench, like for fire hydrants? Once open you could just sort of scoop ‘em out. Or use it as a toilet! The possibilities are ENDLESS.
The Chemist

+1 for arborman

Still, don’t most states have minimum depth regulations? Wood rots, metal rusts and I’d hate to be running away from zombies only to find that my escape through the cemetery is hampered when I come crashing through an old screw-in headstone and suddenly find that my head (read: brain) is the most convenient thing for them to get at. Horrible idea.
- Anonymous
  
  That’s true, he forgot to patent the matching counter-sink. Hey! No one steal that idea, I’m drawing it up! :)
obeyken

Um… wouldn’t they be all too easy to un-screw? For those inclined to tip over headstones, this could raise graveyard vandalism to a a whole new level.
- Anonymous
  
  A screw that big is going to need some sort of heavy machinery to bore it into the ground (I would guess), unless the ground is soft. After it has time to set, it should be nigh impossible to remove by man-power. If you are really worried, all you need are barbs on the ridge and no one will be unscrewing it.
  
  I like the idea! It would drastically reduce plot size.
avraamov

that’s what the mechanical guard-duck is for.
bardfinn

- self-boring. TO DEATH.

The jokes write themselves.

Tip your wait staff.
Chocodile

Great – now I’ve got the image of a corpse whirling around in a gravitron stuck in my head.
Twyloii

turning in your grave
Felix Mitchell

So the corpse is lying gently at peace in the coffin, and you up-end him before spinning him into the ground. How graceful.

I’ll get one in case we run out of spades.
Anonymous

Norm Abram is definitely going to be spinning in his grave.
Anonymous

i want one
Brett Myers

It appears to be the vault that is screwed in, not the coffin. Vaults are mandatory at many (most?) cemetaries. Verticle burial would be an economical space saver.
Anonymous

I final way for your loved ones to say “screw you”
arborman

They would be handy as pegs for a really big, spooky tent.
fotostuf

I just wanted to be buried this way so I can say…

I’ve been screwed!

;-D
VagabondAstronomer

Just another way for funeral homes to screw you and your loved ones (had to. Really).
Anonymous

I hate standing up for ten minutes. I don’t desire standing up for the rest of eternity
Anonymous

@ The Bad Chemist Not all metals rust, seeing as by definition it requires the metal to have iron in it. That said, why don’t we just start cremating more people? Guess it’s cause we wanna be able to dig up the bodies of all those “accident” victims sometime in the near future or something.
- The Chemist
  
  *Ahem* I was setting up for a zombie joke wherein my brains get eaten. You’re right, I’m sorry for taking a few liberties with reality on that one.
WalterBillington

What’s the weird symbol at 208 in fig 27? Is it protecting the duck from the angry flying fish?

I don’t like the idea of being screwed by the very last people to touch me. I hope they get bad backs.
- Pantograph
  
  I know that symbol! It’s a vampire repellent.
Anonymous

I wonder if this is how the Bene Gesserit do it?
Anonymous

For real too easy to get into without major locks or cement poured over them. Also most likely hella expensive, and I don’t see two people driving that screw.
Gena777

I’m speechless. At least patent law offers some comic (?) relief.
Anonymous

Terrible idea! Whenever someone does anything to offend a deceased person their spinning in their graves would cause these coffins to pop up out of the groud, thus prematurely setting off the zombie invasion alarms I’ve patented.
Anonymous

My old teacher went on a TV show with this idea and won a job at a design agency. How unoriginal she was.
Tim

Uh, that’s a published patent application, not a patent. That means he successfully sent his application (and fees) to the USPTO and 18 months have passed. Whether or not he is awarded a patent remains to be seen. Still, as a connoisseur of amusing patent illustrations, this is pretty good.
- Tim
  
  I correct myself. It appears to have been granted in 2009: US Patent 7,631,404 – it is just not on Google patents yet. BONUS!: The references show he was not the first with a vertical burial system: (PDF Link): http://www.freepatentsonline.com/20020144383.pdf
Clifton

Those people standing round
They’ll screw you in the ground.

The bastard! He’s ripping off clear prior art by George Harrison!
dross1260

Caliche
Everbody

Hmmm, fig. 42 and 43 look like the wheel lug locks on my car.
Perfect for a ballerina! Pirouette into eternal rest, en point!
Wonder what the frost heaves would do?
misterfricative

I’d like to see Uma Thurman inch-punch her way out of one of those suckers.
Anonymous

The whole point of burying corpses is to put six feet of dirt on top of them, so when the bodies rot they don’t make living people sick. The scheme pictured above is no different, hygienically, from putting people in boxes above the ground.
LeFunk

Wtf – a duck?
But then again.. it would be a nice decoy.
Anonymous

One of the pictures shows the graves drilled into the bottom of a body of water. If the swampy soil is soft enough for two people to drill (as indicated), will the buoyancy of the caskets not eventually raise the grave out of the water? Possible floating caskets and difficulty in visiting graves == no thanks. Funny idea though.
Anonymous

Not feasible as illustrated. The hole would need to be pre-bored with a tool/machine that removed the dirt that the coffin displaced. Furthermore, the ground would need to be relatively rock-free to the depth of the coffin.
nutbastard

RIP

Allen “Flathead” Philips

The instructions are set to music:

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)