The Introvert's Corner blog: "We Gotta Fight for our Right Not to Party"

As a semi-introvert, I was happy to discover Sophia Dembling's Introvert's Corner blog.

A woman who read one of my essays on introversion said that when she explained her introversion to her family, her brother said, "We didn't know you were an introvert. We thought you were just a bitch."

The Introvert's Corner: How to live a quiet life in a noisy world

Mark Frauenfelder is the founder of Boing Boing and the editor-in-chief of MAKE and Cool Tools. Twitter: @frauenfelder. Come and hear Mark speak at the ALA conference in Chicago on July 1.

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Nadreck

The other major difference, besides the preferences in socialising, is the mental orientation. I believe that the “vert” in both words refers to “looking”: “In” in “introvert” for “inward looking” and the “ex” in “extrovert” for “outward looking”.

The introvert is interested in, and is motivated by, internal constructs: they understand what’s going on in their heads – often having personally constructed most of what’s in there. Extroverts couldn’t care less and are motivated by their environment; although to be fair there probably isn’t much going on in there anyway.

At one point I had to deal with a lot of con artists (mostly in various religious communities) and I remember being initially quite shocked at how that if you control extroverted people’s environments you utterly control them. There’s nothing pushing back from the inside and they never examine why they do anything.

I’ve also noticed that, paradoxically, the impedance to outside stimuli is a lot higher in extroverts. They seem to have to ramp up the intensity of their environment (usually the noise) in order to enjoy it whereas the introvert is already noticing and being affected by everything without any of that – thank you very much.
Anonymous

Yes, thanks for this one. My spouse and I are both introverts, but my daughter is an extrovert. Sometimes, she is just too much for us. She had moved out for nearly two years, then moved back in for a year. It was really hard for us to readjust to the bustle she brought back into the house.
Anonymous

We are so analytical and sensitive to peoples needs. For example, buying presents this christmas for my siblings. I bought them stuff they needed. Extroverts i feel just buy the most flamboyant expensive things going without much thought. Whilst buying for my mum, I stared at seat covers for a full half hour in a shop. I sat on them, tried to imagine what they would look like in our kitchen and trying to weigh up the size and shapes (oval or square). Also the strength of the cover, would the stiches tear easily etc. Fair enough, most people would not be this analytical but i am. Even my sister commented on all the presents i got and said “year after year, you get the best presents, you are so in tune with peoples lives and what they need”. Sorry if i flowed away off the topic of our right not to party but thought i would share my insights.

g_boy
anansi133

What a wonderful thread this is!

It occurs to me that before the web, it was only the extroverts who had a chance to really set these agendas, plan these parties, and in other ways, determine what is “fun”. These days I have no problem finding plenty of other introverts to commiserate with, and find fun things to do which will typically alienate any extrovert who wanders in.

Not that I have any trouble relating to extroverts- it’s just that I’m not likely to do well with them at a typical sort of party.
Anonymous

I once hosted an introverted party. Everyone came over and did their own thing without talking to each other–homework, laptop stuff, collages, cooking. It was amazing, quiet time in the company of friends. I think fishermen and people-who-sit-on-porch-rocking-chairs know what I’m talking about.
Brainspore

OK, I’ll ask. Why does a self-described introvert have a public blog?
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  The internet is paradise for introverts. We can participate in life without exactly having to deal with people. Or leave the house.
  - Anonymous
    
    Agree!
fatuousplatitudes

ENTJ: deal with it!
Mark Frauenfelder

I don’t think being an introvert makes you not want to have a public blog. To me, being an introvert means you want to socialize in person less than the average person does.
Lady Katey

That’s funny, I considered myself an introvert for a long time but recently realized I AM just a bitch.
mgfarrelly

Thank you so much for posting this Mark.

I’m kind of on the fence. I can do big social events and enjoy making people laugh or being extroverted. But I cherish the quiet. I like nothing more than a quiet dinner with a friend or two, going to the movies alone or just being on my own to explore the city. It’s nourishing and fulfilling. Too often, well-meaning, people try to “drag me out of my shell” when, in truth, that’s where I’m working on a pearl.

Pardon that awful, awful play on words.
Marcel

Just wanna say, eventhough I am most definately, I do so hate the term ‘introvert’ as a personality denominator.
Sparrow

I’m one of those weird people who actually gets energized from hanging around and doing things with large groups of people who aren’t self-centered jerks, and would actually prefer that to reading alone in the corner or surfing the web, but I’d rather have a double root canal than go to a party full of typical extraverts. I don’t mind talking loudly in a large group, paintball, performing on stage, drunken pub crawls with a dozen friends, etc., as long as it’s with people don’t tend to be typical extroverts.

And I am another INTP in an office full of ESTJs, and if it weren’t for enjoying spending time with groups of people who aren’t so strongly extroverted, I would have given up on having anything to do with humanity long ago.
Stefan Jones

When I was a kid I was chosen to be the Introversion Telethon poster child but was afraid to show up for the photo shoot.

* * *

I’m so shy that when I play Second Life my avatar just hangs out in a cabin in the woods and plays Third Life, which no one else plays yet.

* * *

I’m so shy I’m trying to find a coin-operated dog kennel.

* * *

How do tell when an engineer is an extrovert?

He stares at your shoes when he talks with you.

I’m not one of those.
Anonymous

As an introvert, and recently unemployed, I’m dreading my next job, whatever it may be. Why? Because my new co-workers will find me sufficiently “odd” to mock me behind my back and eventually to my face.
Anonymous

@Brainspore: Sounds like you’re confusing introversion with misanthropy or perhaps some kind of isolationism. Being introverted doesn’t mean you reject the outside world, it just means that you’re more likely to want to keep certain aspects of it at arm’s length.
- Brainspore
  
  I guess I was just associating the word “introvert” with intensely private people like J.D. Salinger who don’t like sharing their lives with the rest of the world.
  - Anonymous
    
    The term for JD Salinger was “recluse”. He may have been an introvert that the fame attention drove to extreme.
Antijoe

I prefer the definition of introverts as “people who are drained by social interaction” and extroverts as “people who are energised by social interaction”.

I say this as someone who is drained by most social interaction.
- Anonymous
  
  @ Antijoe
  
  After having read that explanation, I can only wonder if there are at least some people out there who are misdiagnosed or at least self-diagnosed as bipolar because they are forced by circumstance or society to regularly drain themselves past the point of.. I don’t know what.
  
  Do you believe that the converse is true? i.e. that Introverts are energised by ‘quiet time’ while extroverts are drained (or otherwise detrimented) by it?
  - Antijoe
    
    Yes I do. I know extroverts (in HR no less) who can’t fathom why I’d ever want to be alone, and describe what I call “quiet time” as depressing. One even had the audacity to proclaim that wanting to be alone was surely the early onset of a mental illness.
    
    *sigh*
- Soupytwist
  
  Yes! This is how I explain it to my friends and family. I need a lot of “recharging” time, even from people I truly enjoy being with.
  
  I’ve learned a lot of coping skills, but in most social settings I do feel like I’m “acting” – I’m being genuine but often I’m reflecting more of other people’s reactions and mannerisms than showing my own. It just makes it easier on me.
- Anonymous
  
  Or another way to put it might be that an introvert is someone who recharges their batteries by having some quiet time apart from social interaction, while an extrovert is someone who recharges by socializing. Both introverts and extroverts can enjoy and seek out the company of others. Some might also have less social needs than others. Some might also have reduced the need for novelty and excitement that social interactions provide.
EH

mg: that’s because, contrary to conventional wisdom, introverts are not incapable social retards. no fence needed.
TuesdayWeld

There is a whole different side to the introvert/extrovert argument, as well; people who function just fine in social settings but much prefer to be alone or in quiet with another (or other) people. One of my favorite times is when my partner and I go out to coffee, use our separate laptops, newspapers, homework, etc. and there is pleasant – but minimal – conversation.

There are misunderstandings, of course – just because I decline a few invitations to social events doesn’t mean I never want to go out, it just means my mood is solitary a lot of the time. I’m not a “loner” (in fact I’m quite rarely lonely)or a “bitch” (most of the time), nor am I anti-social or a “misfit”. I’m just very comfortable with myself and have very little need for superfluous chattiness or having people constantly around me.

http://www.quirkyalone.net
ForeverZero

On being introverted and dealing with people, I find people are much like alcohol, depending on the type they are good in small doses but over do it and I want to throw up.
mellowknees

I think there is some mix-up between the terms “shy” and “introvert”. Being an introvert does not automatically make a person shy. Not wanting to constantly be around people is not the same as having anxiety about interacting with them. Sure, often the two things go hand in hand.

However, I’m a HUGE introvert (HUGE!!!), and I teach classes, speak at meetings, make presentations, blog, and have a rich social life. I just also value my alone time (and/or time spent with my loved ones and small circle of really close friends). Introverts can totally appear to be extraverted. I mean, we’re introverted, not socially delayed. There is a huge difference.
Teller

Thanks for posting this. Sorry.
- zikman
  
  this is my favorite reply thus far
ausPPC

This idea that there’s something wrong with being an introvert due to all the extro ‘fun’ that’s being missed out on – what bullshit.

If only I could stomach hanging out with vacuous cretins whose stupidity is directly proportional to the size of their group. Not.

Ever notice how these groups tend to gravitate to the lowest common denominator? Instead of having any aspiration to lift the dummies out of their social dregs status, the better people dumb themselves down in a race to the bottom. I’m glad of the fact that I’m repulsed by people like that.
seaanemoneman

For years, when I’ve wanted to explain all this to people, I’ve just pointed them to Jonathan Rauch’s fantastic 2003 article in The Atlantic, “Caring for Your Introvert.”

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
- byronba
  
  @seaanemoneman, thank you for that link. Added to my Bookmarks, though most of my family has finally realized that I’m introverted and no longer tries to convert me or draw me out.
  
  MarkF: Thank you for the link to this blog, added to my bookmarks as well.
sapere_aude

I’m an introvert (an INTP “Architect” to be precise, if you buy into Jungian psychology) and yet I am able to teach, have friendly interactions with students and colleagues, blog, post comments on BoingBoing, etc. I’ve got lots of friends; and I used to maintain a fairly active social life (though the older I get the less interest I seem to have in nightlife). I’m known for my sense of humor; and I’m even a bit of a flirt. Introversion doesn’t mean that I’m socially dysfunctional, or that I want to completely cut myself off from the rest of the world. It just means that I actually enjoy spending time alone; I tire easily in social situations; and I tend to be preoccupied with my own thoughts rather than fully paying attention to whatever happens to be going on around me. I don’t shun other people; I just don’t feel the need to be constantly on the go, trying to pack as much fun and excitement into my life as I possibly can. I like the quiet.
- Anonymous
  
  a good explanation that I have found for myself is that I am on “input” MOST of the time. I am actually TAKING IN most of the time, extroverts are NOT taking in. they are expending energy a certain way with the expectation that everyone else is doing the same and that it is no big deal. Being on input (which is how we grapple with things that are not in our heads) takes a lot energy and we can’t do both at the same time.
  but honestly, it’s our capacity for taking in that makes us better at interactions. It’s our INTRApersonal skills that make our INTERpersonal interactions richer. We also don’t take communication, in general, for granted the way extroverts do. We don’t waste other people’s time and energy (if we’re assertive about our boundaries and needs) with meaningless (banal, &/or dishonest) interactions.
  - sapere_aude
    
    Interesting way of putting it; and I think you’re on to something. I tend to think of it as a “buffering” issue. Extroverts are able to process incoming information in real time; introverts have to buffer the information before processing it. Thus, introverts tend to process information much more slowly than extroverts do. And, if an introvert has to process lots of information, the buffer can sometimes get full, forcing the introvert to stop taking in new information for a period of time in order to process the information that has already been buffered.
    
    Why are extroverts able to process information in real time, while introverts have to buffer? My guess is that introverts are processing a larger volume of information than extroverts are. Perhaps it’s because introverts take in information in “high resolution” while extroverts take in information in “low resolution”. In other words, introverts try to pay close attention to every little detail and nuance of the information they encounter, while extroverts are content to just get the gist, ignoring any details they don’t feel to be important. I’d bet that introverts would do much better than extroverts on tasks that require you to pay attention to subtle details, while extroverts would do much better than introverts on tasks that require you to make quick decisions.
- hijukal
  
  I’m probably the only INTP in an office almost exclusively full of ESTJ type people. It’s… interesting.
  - sapere_aude
    
    I feel so sorry for you. I would simply not be able to function under those conditions, and would be looking for another job. For an INTP, an office full of ESTJs is the very definition of a “hostile work environment”. :-)
    - hijukal
      
      @sapere_aude It’s actually not bad being an INTP in an ESTJ office. In my position (IT for the whole place) I think it fits pretty well anyway. IT (among many other things) seems a good choice for me as an INTP.
      
      Rather than being bad, I find it simply means I don’t take part in many of the activities (being an introvert I feel that seeing these people all week is more than enough; being extroverts, they get together after work or on weekends, pah!) but can offer good viewpoints on work related topics given that they all think pretty much the same way.
Anonymous

“If only I could stomach hanging out with vacuous cretins whose stupidity is directly proportional to the size of their group.”

“Too often, well-meaning, people try to “drag me out of my shell” when, in truth, that’s where I’m working on a pearl.”

Why do introverts hold such incredibly low opinions of extroverts? And why do they have such elevated opinions of themselves? I’ve read a lot of blogs and comments written by introverts over the past year (since I began dating an introvert) and I’m shocked at how many feel persecuted. Their word, not mine. Many of them say don’t bother to interact because the things they spend time thinking about are much more interesting, complex, ground-breaking, etc, than anything those extroverts are thinking about. Reading through introvert’s blog posts often makes me wonder “What’s my introvert not telling me? Is he working on some programming masterpiece? Does he secretly think I’m not intelligent enough for him?” Usually, all he says is stuff like “Coffee is good.”
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  Why do introverts hold such incredibly low opinions of extroverts?
  
  Because:
  
  look at me
  look at me
  look at me
  LOOK AT ME
  LOOK AT ME
  LOOK AT ME
  LOOK.
  AT.
  ME.
  
  gets old.
Ambiguity

Yea, there’s a lot of misunderstanding about introversion in this thread–mistaking shyness for introversion, for example–but there seem to be several real introverts too.

I’m very introverted, but I have social skills. I’ve given lectures to hundreds of people and to small groups (and enjoyed it). I used to own my own business, and that required a lot of interaction. I used to be the technology evangelist for a start-up software company. I enjoyed all of these things.

But I find social interactions very draining, and I need several hours of quality, “alone time” a day to feel sane.Given a choice on how to spend my “free time,” I generally prefer to be alone.
venicerocco

I’ve been trying to put my finger on this for a long time. My way of explaining it was that others have hijacked the word “fun” and use it for things that mean “go to a pool party” or dress up on halloween. Being a Los Angeleno, I’m surrounded by these people – neighbors, old friends, co-workers. They all tell me “it’ll be fun” or – most annoying – “Don’t be boring!!”.
decriss

On the Myers-Briggs I’m 51 introvert 49 extrovert.
It’s where you get your energy. I get my energy in doing things by myself, but when full charged I can do anything an extrovert can do and sometime even more. I was a preacher for 6 years and have no qualms about speaking in public, teaching to a large group, but after I may need to take a nap and have some me time.
My best friend who is still a preacher is my exact opposite, he is the guy always talking to people and gets charged up by being in the spot light.
At a restaurant, he’s the guy who will have a huge conversation with the waiter or waitress while I’ll just give my order, although I find it funny and enjoy when he gets into these conversations. He was a waiter himself for several restaurants where his banter gave him much better tips.
Our conversations aren’t one sided either, I’ve become comfortable with him a long time ago and when I’m comfortable with people I talk up a storm. Yet I am more deliberate with my conversations and will steer conversations to make sure I get my point and thought across even saying something like, “well getting back to what we began talking about…”
So summarizing Introversion is a spectrum and it does not dominate you if you understand it.
Chuck

I’m a highly mobile shut-in myself.

As well as an anti-social hugger. (That back rub I’ll give you? It’s like I’m not even there.)
hijukal

Kottke linked some great travel advice for introverts a few years back:

http://www.worldhum.com/features/speakers-corner/confessions-of-an-introverted-traveler-20090309/
http://www.worldhum.com/features/lists/six-tips-for-introverted-travelers-20090506/

A lot of this stuff rings pretty true with my wife and I when we travel. We just want to be left alone to get acquainted with a city, thankyouverymuch. That said, some of the best times I’ve had on holiday has been meeting other people, but I’d get sick of it if that was the whole reason I travelled.
Felix Mitchell

I’m an introvert but I dislike most other introverts. Our problems just seem so easily surmountable. I try my best and get very frustrated at other people I can see are just being stick-in-the-muds about perfectly good things like parties.

Like dude #18 above. There are two ways you can respond to a group of people acting stupidly. You can stand at the side and feel superior or you can get stuck in and try to help. I prefer the latter.

I don’t think introverted people often realise that when groups are acting stupidly it’s not only because people are all talking at once. That’s just the more noticeable side of a lack of communication – which is also caused by introverted people not speaking up.
- Anonymous
  
  “I try my best and get very frustrated at other people I can see are just being stick-in-the-muds about perfectly good things like parties.”
  
  Isn’t it a bit presumptuous to say that introverts are being sticks-in-the-mud with regards to parties just because they can at times find them a bit overwhelming? I’m an introvert as well (an INTJ, since we seem to be going down the Myer Briggs route), but I’ve also hosted a lot of large, silly noisy parties for friends, family, and coworkers. People always have a good time, and no one accuses me of clamming up and darkening the atmosphere. When I find a situation to be too much, I retreat to a quieter room for a while before returning.
Anonymous

Correction for Stefan Jones:
An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when he talks to you.
An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR shoes when he talks to you.

(I am an EE)
Xanthippas

That blog is wonderful! It’s my new favorite (after Boing Boing, of course.)
invisibelle

There’s no reason INTPs and ESTJs can’t be comfortable together. I’m INTP and my husband is ESFJ. Opposites complement each other.

Anyway, I came here to say that accepting that it’s okay to be introverted can result in huge improvements in one’s quality of life. Fight for your right to not party, indeed. :)
- sapere_aude
  
  There’s a world of difference between an ESFJ and an ESTJ. I have no problem with ESFJs — in fact, my mother is an ESFJ. ESFJs are actually very kind, considerate people (if a bit cloying). But I find ESTJs simply intolerable. I get along with just about everybody, regardless of personality type; but I just can’t stand ESTJs. (And I’ve had the misfortune of knowing quite a few over the years, including some of my relatives.) INTPs and ESTJs are like matter and antimatter. INTPs are fiercely independent, and naturally resent anyone who tries to boss them around. ESTJs are bossy and controlling, and naturally resent anyone who doesn’t willingly submit to their authority. There’s simply no way that these two types can interact for long without at least one of them becoming frustrated with, and resentful of, the other.
zikzak

On one hand, being able to identify as an introvert seems very empowering for some people – it’s like they’ve always felt something was wrong with them and now they have a way to explain it that’s not stigmatizing. That’s certainly a good thing, if it helps people to feel ok about the way they are.

On the other hand, it seems very limiting to subscribe to a bi-polar model of social identity. Do you really think you have anything significant in common with all these other people who identify as introverts? Are their experiences useful in understanding your own? And do you really think there’s some fundamental difference in personality between you and people you consider extroverts?

Almost everyone feels different about social situations at different times and in different contexts. Almost all of us can recall instances when we’ve felt introverted and instances where we’ve felt extroverted. The solidifying of these fleeting and changing feelings into permanent identities seems like a bad thing to me – a misguided effort to lock down a dynamic self into an easily understandable self-image, even if it doesn’t reflect reality. It seems like adopting a role that won’t always suit us. We feel how we feel – whenever, wherever, whyever. Why do we need a script to guide and explain our own feelings for us?
- TuesdayWeld
  
  “Why do we need a script to guide and explain our own feelings for us?”
  
  It’s my opinion that we are not following a script that tells us what our feelings are; we’re simply using the same kinds of terms to explain to others what our feelings are and to relate to them in honest terms.
  
  “The solidifying of these fleeting and changing feelings into permanent identities seems like a bad thing to me – a misguided effort to lock down a dynamic self into an easily understandable self-image, even if it doesn’t reflect reality.”
  
  We could also look at it as forming our personalities like all humans do and yes, forming “an easily understandable self-image”. Have you met an adult (say, over 25) who has no idea who they are? That person could use a little self-examination to grasp, enjoy and accept their life fully. If we choose to label ourselves introverted or extroverted, it merely means we have self-awareness about that aspect of our personalities.
Anonymous

Today my buddy Brent called. It’s Sunday and he said he wasn’t doing anything but watching football, and oh, he has that marijuana bud that he’s gonna gift to me. So, “I’ll be home, I’m not going anywhere.” I was glad for his invitation. I don’t get many, and I now I have a visit plan, and I’m the invited! I showered, shaved, and put on my favorite blue t-shirt and drove the 2 and a half miles to Brent’s. I knocked on his door and he yelled from inside to come in, knowing it was me. But the moment I entered his place, disappointment washed into my heart. He already had another friend over, so there would be no buddy time for the two of us. He didn’t say those words of course, but that was the obvious reality of the situation. What’s more, he had plans that evening for this chick he likes. I am comfortable with myself and one friend at a time. I eschew being with more than one. I’ve learned to leave these situations immediately, whithout pretext or excuses. I did get the pot before I bailed though!
BrookeA

Glad to see so many people here understanding the actual definition of “introvert.” I love people, I love seeing them and hanging out with them and being in new situations. But it’s draining, and my batteries get recharged from being alone and hanging out with a book or a video game. It’s not sad or a problem or anything – it’s just what’s relaxing.
PixelFish

I was delighted to see this blog. It helped me contextualise some of the behaviour I see in my boyfriend who is introverted. I’m much more extroverted than he is, and we have developed special management techniques to deal with these differences. I think one of the things that is hardest to communicate to an extrovert is how REAL the introverts preferences are. They REALLY aren’t having fun. They REALLY are sick to their stomach during or before parties.

My BF and I set limits before events. I don’t spring events on him and hope that spontaneity carries him through. We plan beforehand. He knows how long the party or event will be and how many people will be there, what their relationships are to me/him/each other. If we are hosting it, he knows he can wander off after x number of hours, or if I have friends over, he knows whether or not he is expected to make an appearance and say hi or if more is required. We have special code words so he can tell me if he is feeling over-extended without feeling embarrassed or trapped.

When we first started dating, everybody in our mutual circle of friends had an expectation that he was a total hermit. But that was largely because people kept inviting him to the wrong sorts of events: large, noisy, lots of people (but not enough people to feel comfortably alone in a crowd), social parties where chatting cleverly might be a pre-req. I got him out of the house by inviting him to the zoo with me. When introducing him to friends, we’d stagger introductions. We’d introduce him first to the primary friend. Then on the next occasion we’d invite that friend’s SO along. Then we’d get used to doing things as a couple, and maybe mix a fifth and a sixth person in. Sometimes he vetoes going to a party or event, particularly if he’s just done one, or knows a more important one is coming up. Sometimes we negotiate for which events are most important to us. Sometimes we just go off and do our own thing. Gradually we achieved a balance where my social impulses are met while his introversian and anxieties are addressed. It works for us, but I’m glad to see another resource of this nature since it helps provide perspective.
Antinous / Moderator

I love people

That would make you an ‘affiliative introvert’. I’m an INFJ (albeit an unusually combative one). I’m quite friendly, but my need for down time is towering.
- Antijoe
  
  *SNAP!* I’m an infj too. My flatmate (huge extrovert) makes fun of me when I take 20 minute breaks from parties, where I’m (in theory) the host.
  
  I’m friendly, I just need a little break here and there to cope.
  - Antinous / Moderator
    
    I never really mind parties when I’m the host. Shaking cocktails and serving hors d’oeuvres keeps me occupied. Other people’s parties are the problem. I’d rather stay home and lance a boil than make small talk.
Anonymous

So basically, everyone posting here is just plain old, average and normal. Welcome to being human.