Consumerist solicits your "Worst Company in America" votes

Consumerist is hosting its 5th annual March-Madness-style "Worst Company In America" contest. The first smackdown? Bank of America vs Citibank. Winner gets a "Golden Poop" award. In 2008, the winner was Countrywide, in 2009 it was AIG.


  1. Here is another contestant for “Worst Company in America”!

    Yes, my Dear, here is a brilliant summary about worldwide C.I.A. espionage at universities!

    “University Spy – A True Story”

    Behavioral science teaches that small changes in a man’s sex-life can have large effects on keeping secrets!

    These investigative interviews will plunge you, the reader, into the murk of the abnormal psychology and mind boggling career of W. B. Paterson from hell-bent taxi driver to hysterical C.I.A. Chief-of-university-spies!

    It was morning in America, the alcoholic Chief had just finished vomiting, was hung-over and had a pathological need for homosexual intercourse. Working in the Chief‘s office was like coming to an American war-of-aggression zone where sexual degradation, torture and rape flourish. As the sexually harassed male staffer of perverted Chief Paterson I uncovered sinister secrets ripe for a journalistic tour de force!

    Chief Paterson is the inheritor of American multi-billion dollar conglomerate Paterson Inc., a globally operating university supplier which doubles as a C.I.A. spy contractor! Chief Paterson has the command over a hidden espionage archipelago stretching across the world from university to university, capable of any treachery. It’s scary, very scary!

    In vicious violation of privacy and security of professors and students, Paterson Inc. is giving the C.I.A. a thousand eyes on academia, research, political enemies, fingerprints, bank accounts and much more. “We are a covert operations contractor for the C.I.A.” The Chief wobbled back and forward like a drunken tip-over doll, his incendiary lips set on fire by a bottle of whisky. “We are kicking academic ass since five decades”, he barked with frothing-at-the-mouth, biting the hand that feeds him!

    As is becoming for an objective reporter, I use the method of dramatizing and narrating each morally offensive quotation from Chief Paterson. He is a source of untreated and disease-laden sewer language and behavior, stranger than fiction. Let‘s go for a visit to one of the Chief’s great moments – and I promise the hatemonger never used more lofty cross-references: “University people are late-term abortions who crawl out of classrooms“, he screamed with a demagogy usually reserved for Adolf Hitler!

    The juicy revelations of the Chief going anal are off the record; Walt Blair Paterson’s real name, gonzo company, position and location were changed and rendered anonymous – to protect my ’deep-throat’ for legal reasons! Which unapologetic investigative reporter is going to identify and expose the reckless ‘university supplier’, to which fictional ‘Paterson Inc.’ lent its imprint?

    Semi-literate but schooled in violence, the background of the Paterson Inc. spy-troopers read like gravedigger roll calls: “Former Army Delta forces; Marine snipers; U.S. Army rangers; Special Operations officers”. The hired guns from C.I.A. & Paterson excel at academic waterboarding and fight a dirty war inside universities around the earth.

    Every Paterson Inc. teaching tool brazenly peddled at universities bears the chill of a torture whip in the face of a kidnapped victim in a secret C.I.A. jail anywhere around the world!

    America, my most favored democracy: One dollar, one vote! C.I.A. espionage contractors such as Paterson Inc. are NOT SUBJECT to the Freedom of Information Act!

    Crime pays fabulously in America! An obscure law allows the C.I.A. to block all congressional and public inquiries into the secret files, the budget, the number of cloak-and-dagger agents and the entire power structure of the Pater$on Shadow Company, the recipient of vast amounts of U.S. government money!

    Sons of bitches! Who are Chief Paterson’s unpredictable Washington masters? Their names read probably like a Who is Who of instable U.S. corporate and political power. They are busy scrounging around the world for more billions of dollars, money used by Paterson’s swines of ignorance to steal more pearls of wisdom!

    The U.S. will go down in history as the country that breeds the greatest scientific pilferers! Who are the shameless American ’scholars’ and at which benighted U.S. universities do they work, these dim-wits who helped dreadful C.I.A. & Paterson to conceptualize the hellish ‘intellectual’ framework for global university espionage?

    Yankee go home! I feel strangely prejudiced against Paterson’s turncoats eavesdropping from spy outposts hidden at foreign universities on scientists and steal their works of genius. Chief bandit Paterson, the undersized super hero of American ’scientists’, delivers huge volumes of stolen research data and filched intellectual property into U.S. hands, where it is duly parroted at provincial universities as genuine research!

    If the burly men from beastly Paterson Inc. tilted the global academic playing field in favor of U.S. ’scientists’, and if this helps explain America’s unparalleled share of Nobel prizes during that curiously energetic U.S. ’research’ period over the past five decades, synchronized with the C.I.A.’s university espionage history, then so be it!

    America spied to look smart, but now stupid season has arrived. This compelling study shows impostor Paterson Inc. is unfit as a university supplier! America’s pesky university espionage is on trial. The undeclared U.S. doctrine of large-scale targeted research theft has to be stopped with a nuclear ’nyet’!

    All this I took in like a Teutonic spy on tiptoes, interrupted only by the Chief’s disgusting demonstrations of affection and while his ungentlemanly hands fondled among my pink boxer-shorts!

    The unorthodox pillow conversations with the closeted Chief, who had up to my ‘interviews’ suppressed his homosexuality, are positioned to hit the proverbial fan to spread his creepy whispers fast and far. Defrocked Chief Paterson must have considered the possibility of blowing (!) his spy cover, but figured my uncut wiener was worth the risk.

    Yours, Truly
    Dr. H.R. Goetting

    Report with angry words the theft of your research data or the violation of your privacy on @ University Spy and on @ universityspy

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