Vending Spree

Matthew Baldwin of Defective Yeti and The Morning News is an embarrassingly prolific guy. I mean by this that his output of work is embarrassing to me, personally, because I'm way less productive and a lot more dithery. But that's enough about me. Now Baldwin has a new project: Vending Spree, in which he pledges to eat every single item in his office vending machine and file a critical report on each one. Baldwin himself refers to Spree as a "gimmicky writing challenge," which in a way it is, but I have some experience in this area -- I undertook to make and test a new cocktail every single day last summer, and ended up with liver toxicity and paralyzing headaches after exactly 13 days -- so I want you to get past the gimmickiness and focus on the insane heroism of the task he's set for himself. And in so doing, I want you to focus on one particular thing: The machine has the usual assortment of chips and candies, but it also features something ominously identified as a Bumblebee Tuna Salad Kit.

I'll wait.

Baldwin himself is appropriately chastened at the prospect of what's ahead of him. And he's no fool, telling me in an email: "I'm fairly fit (cycle about 100-150 miles a week), but still right on the healthy/overweight line due to a penchant for beer that I have no desire to renounce. I purposely launched this during the summer on the theory that I'll cycle off most of the calories I take in." Still, calories are only half the problem. I mean, tuna salad in a vac-pac is out there, waiting, like dental work and jury duty, and having publicly committed to eating everything in the slots there's just no turning back. Unless you do. I did. But something tells me Baldwin is a hardier sort. Godspeed, Matthew. I'll be pulling for you.

• [Anonymous]

  Agreed on the Tuna Salad Kit – don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it! I used to have these occasionally at my old job. It’s a small can of tuna (they also have a chicken salad variety, if I remember correctly) with the mayo and relish packs, as another commenter mentioned. Also included is a stack of whole wheat type crackers, and a little stirring spoon. There’s a surprising amount of tuna in that can, too. Makes me want tuna salad now.

• [Nonentity]

  Someone needs to make sure they completely refresh the contents of the machine, just before he gets to the last item.

• [pjcamp]

  Y’all are pikers.

  This stuff is at least in the neighborhood of actual food. Baldwin will impress me when he has the intestinal fortitude of Steve and The Sneeze blog. See the Steve Don’t Eat It! Archives:

  http://www.thesneeze.com/steve-dont-eat-it/

  When you can say “fuck you” to your taste buds, then you’ve arrived.

• [agraham999]

  I was actually going to send this over today. Matthew is a hilariously great writer, who with Mark of Boing, was in my book:

  http://tinyurl.com/yhbw833

  Defective Yeti…brilliant as always…and brave…did I mention brave?

• [antiemantiem]

  I’m a big fan of this sort of first-hand cultural sampling.

  One of the most mildly inspirational movies of recent note is “Super Size Me” wherein Morgan Spurlock sampled much of McDonald’s menu – and paid the price by gaining weight and getting sick. I haven’t eaten at Micky Ds since I saw that flick

• [Stefan Jones]

  A few months ago I thought about trying out each of the sandwiches in the office’s new food vending machine. I gave up after the first one. Gugghghgghghghh.

  I wouldn’t even think about touching the tuna salad and cracker packs.

  * * *

  Stupid Vending Machine Tricks:

  This was told to be by my old friend Rob Downes.

  In the 1960s Rob’s father was a handyman in a department store. The employee cafeteria had a sandwich vending machine. Next to it was a microwave oven — a very early, expensive, heavy duty model — for heating up the sandwiches.

  For quite some time the sandwiches cost $.35. Then the vending company decided to raise prices . . . to $.37. The machine didn’t handle pennies, so it was set to charge $.40 for a sandwich, and the change — three pennies — was taped to the sandwich wrapper.

  You can imagine the effect those pennies had on the microwave.

• [Anonymous]

  The “vending machine challenge” is a classic Wall St bet.

  Oh, you have to eat one of everything by the end of the trading day, though.

  • [Anonymous]

    Ha, it is indeed. We’ve done it a few times before in our office.

  • [avoision]

    A coworker of mine tried the “Vending Machine Challenge” a few years ago. And just last week, someone who saw my post got their coworker to give it a go (essentially, eating one of every vending machine item within a workday). Must be something in the air.

• [redhead]

  regarding the now infamous Tuna Salad Kit – that is probably the least disgusting thing in that machine. If it’s anything like the “Tuna kits” in the vending machines at my job, it has a teeny little can of tuna fish in water (same as what you’d get at the grocery store, just smaller), a little packet of mayo, a little packet of pickle relish, a few crackers, and chunk of flat plastic claiming to be a knife.

  personally, i find the “Summer Sausage Sandwich” much scarier.

• [Anonymous]

  i agree with redhead about the tuna. it’s the least offensive thing in the machine.

• [Anonymous]

  Since when does having a drink a day for 13 days cause any problems?

  What about the average joe sixpack out there who has a few beers every day after work, for years on end?

  This guy must have the tolerance of a six year old girl.

• [Matt Deckard]

  They have those tuna kits at the vending machines at my university too. I had the same initial gut reaction of disgust, but then when I thought about it for just a few seconds I realized that nothing in that package would be refrigerated if purchased in a grocery store. Then I realized how silly I was for thinking it was disgusting just because it was something I wasn’t accustomed to seeing in a vending machine.

• [mental]

  I’ve had the tuna kits before. They’re probably my favorite vending machine food, and actually decently nutritious.

• [dragonfrog]

  I must know – how did you get liver toxicity by testing one cocktail a day for 13 days? Were they 12 oz cocktails? Were extensive testing and iterative refinement part of the daily process? Do you have a constitution that just can’t handle alcohol? Were you testing out hobo drinks like the methylated spirits sling?

• [MrsBug]

  This reminds me of the Steve, Don’t Eat It website. Rarely have I laughed as hard as I have at that site.

• [Anonymous]

  Here’s a guess folks: he’s lying about the liver toxicity. He just didn’t like doing it, and wanted to blame stopping on something else.

• [lava]

  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! My little chocolate covered doughnut detector just went off! What’s that next to the tuna kit? Aaahhhhh. Breakfast of champions.

• [PopeRatzo]

  Hell, I’ve eaten everything in the vending machine in the course of a single afternoon.

  And washed it down with a liter of sugar-free blue G2.

  It did spoil my supper, though.

• [AirPillo]

  I undertook to make and test a new cocktail every single day last summer, and ended up with liver toxicity and paralyzing headaches after exactly 13 days

  Just how big were those cocktails? :P

• [Chuck]

  There are worse things than those Bumblebee tuna salad things, and they’re useful if you know you’re going to be away from civilization for a while (and for all I know, the guy’s office may be completely cut off from the rest of society). And, as some people have already mentioned, they may be the most nutritious things in the vending machine.