All your favorite dinosaurs suck

What's your favorite dinosaur? Actually, that doesn't really matter because your opinion is just. plain. wrong., says comedian Dan Telfer. Included: A great reference to the differences between the Velociraptors you know and fear thanks to Jurassic Park, and actual Velociraptors, which had feathers and were a nice size for kicking. Pedantry can be fun!

Fair warning: Includes swear words. Some people may consider this inappropriate for small children and coworkers who act like small children.

(Via Tommy Bobo, who is awesome.)

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  1. His comments on the stegosaurus are incredibly outdated and flat wrong. Stegosaurus did not have 2 brains, and the claim that it was straight stupid has very little foundation.

    1. I have a zoology professor who says that Apatosaurus couldn’t raise its head that high, and so either swam (using its neck to graze on underwater plants) or would use its neck to graze at ground level over a wide area (so it didn’t have to walk all the time). He really doesn’t like the way paleontologists keep arguing that maybe they had multiple hearts in their necks.

      Captcha is harbor succeed

  2. Sadly I knew the right answer.

    Guess that’s what happens when you want to be a paleontologist when you’re a kid.

  3. Where again is the soft tissue evidence proving whether Stegosaurus did or did not have two brains? Impossible to declare either theory flat wrong. That’s why they are still theories. It is interesting that “flat wrong” and “very little foundation” were used in the same argument for opposing positions.

  4. Ankylosaurus was my favorite ever since I did a report on them in the second grade. The dude looked like an armadillo from hell and had a freakin’ mace for a tail!

    1. I actually built a model of Ankylosaurus (from a model kit, like model cars or planes, but geekier) as a kid.

  5. Ankylosaurus was definitely cool, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, “Christ, what an asshole.”

  6. Ankylosaurus was my favourite dinosaur ever since I was in second grade (@Brainspore!), I was hoping someone would shout it out the whole time. I wrote a brilliant little short story about an ankylosaurus that, somehow, was transported into the present. The details are sketchy but I recall he went up against a tank at one point.

  7. Dan Telfer is my fave new comic. He’s looking for a job in NYC or LA. You should hire him. Seriously.

  8. Dan’s great — if you ever get the chance to see him live, I’d heartily suggest it. And yeah, I second the suggestion about getting his new EP.

  9. Dan is hilarous. I loved this bit so much I ran off and got the album from Itunes. My only regret is that it isn’t longer. This guy really needs an hour long special somewhere to show the world what they are missing.

  10. @#2, yes, only one brain, and much larger than a walnut at that. I’ll pile on with the gripes: Giganotosaurus is gi-ga-no-to-saur-us, not gi-gan-to-saur-us; and he keeps using the term “genus” to describe far more general taxonomic groups.

    Still funny, but needs more truthiness.

  11. If you have gripes, you should read this:

    dantelfer.blogspot.com/2010/06/hello-internet.html

    Dan addresses many of the gripes directly.

    And isn’t the whole point of “truthiness” that the facts can be fudged for a gut feeling or “humor”?

  12. Dan is one of the funniest comics out there. Someone like Conan should really snag him up for a writing gig.

  13. I saw this guy open for Maria Bamford, who is hilarious, and he was really great. I’ve actually seen him open for her twice, with a year gap in between, and he’s gotten much better.

  14. “isn’t the whole point of “truthiness” that the facts can be fudged for a gut feeling or “humor”?”

    Exactly! Geez you gripers sound like a bunch of dinosaur geeks! Chill! That man’s making beer money by being funny! How much you makin’ by bein’ all accurate ‘n stuff? Huh?

    I hesitate (oh what the hell) to point out that until the evidence is in, one hypothesis is as good as another.

    1. “I hesitate (oh what the hell) to point out that until the evidence is in, one hypothesis is as good as another.”

      In the case of dino brain size that’s true, but in general it need not be so. Consider Russell’s teapot.

  15. As far as outright size, I go with amphicoelias. 190 Feet long, 135 tons. This fucker was HUGE. Name doesn’t quite roll off the tongue, though. Oh well. Still awesome in my book :)

  16. I am totally stealing this bit (and cleaning it up, and fixing minor factual errors) for my end-of-unit finale on Dinosaurs.

    Teachers everywhere thank you.

  17. Jurassic Park was released in 1993… shortly after the discovery of the Utahraptor, which they depict in the film under the name Velociraptor and without the cuddly feathers.

    They kept the famous claw.

  18. Jurassic Park was released in 1993… shortly after the discovery of the Utahraptor, which they depict in the film under the name Velociraptor and without the cuddly feathers.

    They kept the famous claw.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Utahraptor

    Yes, the Jurassic Park raptors were not accurate depicions of either species of the genus Velociraptor. No, they were not Utahraptors. The Utahraptor was significantly larger than the raptors depicted in Jurassic Park. The “famous claw” is a defining feature of the class Dromaeosuridae and not a novel feature of a single genus.

    The “teh segosaurus haz 2 brainz!” myth sprang from evidence of a nerve cluster observed in some dinosaur pelvises. The “sacral brain” theory never had much traction among paleontologists. It was not considered a likely interpretation even in the 1910s.

  19. Ankylosaurus? How about Mymoorapelta, smart guy! Same genus, with awesome fucking SICKLES sticking out of the sides of his shoulders. Oh yeah! Nice try, though

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