Brass balls in the Boing Boing Bazaar

Yes, brass balls. An easy-to-assemble kit, created by Paul Spinrad, MAKE editor and author of such timeless tomes as the RE/Search Guide To Bodily Fluids and The VJ Book. These balls are $18 in the Boing Boing Bazaar and would make a wonderful gift. For someone. Paul says:
 System Product Images 207 Original Img 3754.Jpg You don't need a semiotician to know that these bad boys are full of meaning. As a token of esteem, they have a purity that makes other gift attempts look weak. Gleaming atop your desk at work, these totems of potency dare people to acknowledge their presence with a calibrated test-blend of serious appreciation and ironic distance-- and woe be to anyone who calibrates incorrectly. Everyone will want to touch the brass balls, feel their impressive weight, their uncompromising hardness. They are the family jewels.

These brass balls are sold in legal, kit form, and it is your responsibility not to assemble and use them as the deadly weapon or that they are. The balls are not toys; they weigh over one pound, and they will smash fingers, eyes, teeth, and skulls if swung in a fit of unbridled rage. Think of brass knuckles whipping around on a string, but without the soft, velocity-limiting hand inside...

Cinema buffs may associate the brass balls with the opening scene of Glengarry Glen Ross. Cable television viewers may recall similar "Big Brass Balls" from episodes of The Colbert Report. Lawyers may note, then, that this product is not solely derivative of any one intellectual work. Rather, it taps into the broader culture, expressing a common folk idiom that no single motion picture studio or playwright (to take some hypothetical examples) can plausibly claim exclusive rights to.

Brass Balls Kit


  1. These are awesome, but it occurs to me that I don’t know anyone I’d give these to, at least as a token of respect or admiration.
    I might need new friends.

  2. I would like to see steel balls ; ) possibly a formalised hierarchy brass balls -> steel ball -> unobtanium balls.
    When I rode/ride BMX there was this sort of hierarchy
    Love the idea so many people to give this to

    1. I saw a truck the other day with a rusty chain pendant from its trailer hitch, with two of the most enormous machine nuts I’d ever seen dangling above the asphalt. Because they and the truck were pretty beat up, it at first seemed more accidental than decorative, and there was a wonderful Aha moment as the pun dawned on me.

  3. Thanks, David– I was wondering why I was getting so many orders today!

    Re: “For someone,” I believe the traditional phrase is, “For the man who has everything.”

  4. Is it just me, or are those brass balls kinda, well, small?

    I mean if you are gonna have brass balls you want BIG brass ones, not dinky little lamer ones.

    And to #15 Anon, of course Ben Wa balls come to mind…

  5. They are pretty substantial in person. Heavy. Nice brushed metal surface with anisotropic ‘stereo knob’ reflective quality.

    I think I want red cord. I’m going to shop for some before I assemble mine.

    They are easy to assemble and disassemble, although you can threadlock them closed if you buy the necessary product elsewhere.

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