Can crowdsourcing produce funny humor pieces? The next step

In case you missed it, here is the set up.

And from the comments from that previous post, there were many great titles. Some lend themselves more to an essay type humour piece, whereas others were just funny as one-liners. It was tough choosing, but I'm going to go with two titles. One is a tweak, but seems to involve a subject matter near and dear to Boing Boing readers, plus should be good for a funny list (from edthehippie). The other seemed to win the popularity contest, and is definitely a title with great potential and hopefully providing some creative space for folks who like to write a little more than one sentence (from artiefx0).

Anyway, without further ado, here are the titles!

CHAPTER TITLES FROM MY UNICORN PHYSICS TEXTBOOK

and

AN OVERVIEW OF ANIMALS THAT WOULD EXIST IF THE WORLD WERE SIGNIFICANTLY MORE AWESOME THAN IT ACTUALLY IS

Game on! (Note: please use the keyword "unicorn" or "awesome" to let me know which piece your comment is alluding to).

• [timquinn]

  Unicorn

  Chirality in Horn Twist and the Origin of Choice

  The Missing Projection: Invisible Horn Is Invisible

  The Positive Literal: The Role of Unicorns in Logic Programming

• [Anonymous]

  Unicorn Physics Chapter IX:
  Smelling the Virgin: Olfactory Stimulus and its effect on Unicorn Oxytocin Levels

• [pencilbox]

  JK, the categories made me spit. So funny.

• [curiouspencil]

  Awesome:

  For the once-rare vertigo bird there are few things more daunting than the post-hatch realisation of foible-filled nature’s programmed nesting behaviour.

  The white cliffs of Dover, once thought to be a chalk-based geological structure, since shown to be constructed entirely of projectile guano from vertigo bird colonies, are now the subject of a global collaboration project.

  In line with the recent upgrade of all species to the IUCN / CITES Red List highest level – ‘Critically Endangered’ – the cliffs are to be realigned horizontally to allow the once-flourishing colonies to grow unhindered once more.

  With all capable countries’ help, the cliffs’ planned orientation will enable this most unfortunate species to walk once more, with its head firmly held low.

• [Anonymous]

  Unicorn:

  Schrödinger’s Unicorn

  Enrico Fermi’s attempt to follow splitting the atom by splitting the unicorn.

  The Double Unicorn Experiment:
  How does it explain quantum behavior. And does it really prove the existence of the multiverse?

  .
  .

  Amazing:

  Bonsai Kittens

• [Autumn]

  Chapter title for Awesome: The Real Wombles of Wimbledon-Exposed!

• [Nathaniel]

  awesome:

  Rocket Sharks, Talking Lions*, Whaleflies, 10,000ft Wombats, Mechanical Cows, Moondogs, Psychic Dinosaurs, Vampire Squirrels, Interstellar Albatross, Homo Erectus, Indigenous Space Monkeys.

  * Wittgenstein, 1953

• [Robert]

  unicorn:

  Introduction: The Invisible Pink Unicorn in the Room.

  Anti-Unicorn Particles: Skin Rashes, Brain Tumors, and 2 Girls 1 Cup

  awesome:

  The Alot (with apologies to Hyperbole and a Half

  That thing with a face in its chest from the Age of Exploration

  Fingermice: little mice that nibble your fingers when you sleep

  The LOLCat: otherwise ordinary cats which emit often humorous captions

• [Michael H]

  Here’s a chapter heading:
  “The Refractive properties of a Unicorn’s Colon that produces Rainbows”

• [Anonymous]

  While many scientists doubt their very existence, those with the tools to measure such things have determined that unicorns possess an unusually high midichlorian count. These findings indicate that unicorns may be manipulating the force itself to generate rainbows and sparkles. While it is not known to what extent their force mastery extends, it is well within reason that they are capable of telekinesis and potentially psychic persuasion. As such, do not handle light sabers in the presence of unicorns, and try not to be fooled by their potentially ridiculous suggestions. Rather than utilizing light or dark forces, unicorns appear to make use of a more holistic rainbow force, which at times seems immensely more power and at others just ridiculous and cute.

• [cmpalmer]

  Unicorn:

  “Quantum mechanics and the remote detection of sexual experience in nearby humans”

• [jibbles]

  Awesome: Unicorns.

• [jibbles]

  Unicorn:

  The first few are easy. Kinematics, Newton’s Laws, Rotational motion, and so forth… That’s all under the Mechanics section. But really, I’m not sure why the unicorn needs a physics textbook.

• [jaytkay]

  Awesome:

  Cranial-Laser Bearing Sharks and Their Use in International Waters

  P.S. +1 for jibbles going meta in the third post

• [billstewart]

  Awesome – the dwarf elephants that used to live on the Mediterranean islands. And dodos. And giant sloths. And several varieties of relatively hairless ape.

• [Hamm]

  TO Jk #27 Very well done

  my submissions for awesome:
  Western beerback frat strangler
  Eschewia Coli- symbiotic bacteria that keep you from snacking
  Air Whales

  my submissions to Unicorn physics:
  Vectors in U-spacetime
  Chi squared analysis of virgin distribution
  Unicornial acceleration in various media
  Photon interactions with the U-field: the sparkle explained

• [Wendell]

  Unicorn Physics:
  The Quantum Unicorn: Is There Any Other Kind?
  How String Theory Was Replaced By “The Shape Of A Unicorn Horn Theory”
  Understanding Relativity When Relatively, Nothing Comes Close to the Unicorn

  Awesome:
  Breeding Pigs to Be 90% Bacon
  Training Yetis to Do Household Chores
  The Vampire Eagle, New American Mascot?

• [artiefx0]

  Awesome:

  ::The temple jaguar is a species of mountain-animus indigenous to South and Central America. Although smaller then the great castlebeasts of Europe, the temple jaguar is large enough to have once carried entire Aztec settlements and armies upon their backs. Unlike castlebeasts, which, as a rule, move at a stately amble of 43mph, temple jaguars can achieve truly remarkable speeds when roused. The well known “roar of the temple jaguar” is in fact the sound of the great beasts breaking the sound barrier when pouncing on their prey, which can be miles away.

  To create harness-settlements capable of withstanding the enormous g-forces these creatures generate, the ancient Aztecs invented the science of aerodynamics, and built entire living complexes atop ingenious shock absorbers, which Europeans initially mistook for several-storey-high religious icons.

  During World War One, the Aztec Republic briefly tried to use temple jaguars as mobile heavy artillery bunkers, covering the creatures in two-foot thick articulated metal plates. The plan was quickly scrapped, however, when US Army Gunslingers discovered the beasts’ single weakness: enormous mountains of catnip.

• [domanite]

  Awesome:

  Those damn dragons, aka the Smaug problem in L.A.

• [Anonymous]

  The giant anti-gravity turtles of North America.

  The Greedless Homo Sapien.

• [Alex]

  Unicorn:

  Uniturd Photonics.

• [Anonymous]

  Unicorn:
  Preface by A. P. W. B. Dumbledore – “I can still ride them”
  Classical Laws of Unicorn Motion – from Newton’s Philosophiæ Unaturalis Principia Physicka
  Unicorn Force Field – why it repels ‘non-pure’ beings

  Awesome:
  The graceful Shepherd Canines in the Rings of Saturn
  The blind decapodes of Europa
  The terrifying Chameleon Velociraptors – V. whereswaldorus
  The smiling Time-Travelling Alpacas of Atlantis
  The silently hovering Speeder Cats of the Tropical Rainforest

• [Michael H]

  Follow up:
  “How the seemingly endless production of glitter by the Unicorn oesophagus is explained by Wormholes”

• [Mike]

  Search for the Grand Unicorn Theory
  Doppler’s Oryx
  Newton’s Narwhal
  Einstein’s Eland

  The Double Rainbow: What Does It Mean?

  Figure 26b: Hoarding and Excavation of Unicorn Excrement

• [Vvicked]

  Unicorn:
  Sexual Purity as a Continuous Function: Solving Zeno’s Unicorn Paradox

• [pencilbox]

  Unicorn:

  Six Easy (Rainbow Colored) Pieces: Essentials Of Unicorn Physics Explained

  by Richard Feynman

  Publisher’s Note——————vii
  Introduction by Charles T. Unicorn—-ix
  Moonbow Preface—————–xix
  Feynman’s Preface—————-xxv

  ONE: Unicorns In Motion (red)
  Unicorns: how do they work?
  Anatomy of a sparkle
  Magic and happiness reactions

  TWO: Basic Unicorns (orange)
  Unicorns before the internet
  Horn particles
  The subatomic unicorn

  THREE: Unicorns As They Relate To Other Species (yellow)
  The lesser ungulates
  The horned ungulates
  Narwhals: a special relationsip
  The pega-corn question

  FOUR: Conservation Of Magical Animals (green)
  Kinetic and potential unicorns
  Unicorn states: full-on double rainbows and more
  What happens to prismatic dung

  FIVE: Unicorn Theory (blue)
  Hoof motion and flight
  Jewel’s Law
  Horn spirals as The Mandelbrot Set
  The tapestry experiments
  Rainbow Brite: the confusions

  SIX: Unicorn Behavior (indigo/violet)
  Mane mechanics
  An experiment with giggling
  An experiment with soft focus
  An experiment with manga
  First principles of total fucking awesomeness

  Epilogue: They’ll actually eat corn from your hand!

  • [arkizzle / Moderator]

    pencilbox,

    Funnily enough, I have a copy of that Unicorn Physics book, by Richard Feynman. Here’s the cover illustration:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/arkizzle/4276738971/sizes/l/in/photostream/

    • [pencilbox]

      arkizzle,

      you can’t judge a book by its cover, except when it comes to unicorn physics. that painting is brilliant.

• [Anonymous]

  Awesome: The Jabberwock
  (also slithy toves, borogoves, et. al)

• [Anonymous]

  Poo’dles – Animal excrement that walks itself to a the closest trash bin, discards itself, and dies.

  Green Poo’dles – Animal excrement that walks itself to the closest compost heap and dies.

  Farrahdactyl – Flying lizard creature that reminds one of the beauty of 70′s era Farrah Fawcett (may she rest in peace)

  Koala Pear – Not an animal, but an incredibly cute fruit that clings to trees.

  Bipolar Bear – An animal that is a punchline from someone else’s joke, recycled here.

• [J.K.]

  Awesome:

  (From the Introduction):

  While no one doubts that our planet possesses remarkable creatures, and that life on Earth has evolved into an astonishing variety of forms in the last 4 billion years or so, we can still indulge ourselves by speculating on the minimally sufficient qualities that life would have to have in order to make our world more awesome.

  This book is a first step toward the creation of a consistent universal taxonomy of aspirational biology, along with an appendix description of non-existent animals that (if they did exist) would measurably increase the subjective awesomeness of our planet.

  Although the taxonomy of awesomeness will be dealt with at length in the following pages, I offer the following brief example, patterned on the Linnaeus system of scientific names for life forms. In descending order of inclusiveness, the form and derivation of awesomeness is subdivided into the following categories:

  Sphere
  Dominion
  Rank
  File
  Ambit
  Purview
  Riff
  Gig
  Tag

  So, for example, the Tufted North American Chrome Frog would be formally identified as follows:

  Sphere: Macrodealia
  Dominion: Superbus
  Rank: Powerchordae
  File: Reverberatae
  Ambit: Mendaciae
  Purview: Pluribum
  Riff: Remittitur
  Gig: Scintilliae
  Tag: americiae

  All impossibly awesome life is organized broadly into six Spheres, namely (1) Stupendia (consisting mostly of primitive unicellular life, such as the fusion torch and plasma lance families of phirobes); (2) Adamanteae (mostly sessile multicellular life that can photosynthesize, such as the Vampire Vine, or the Thunder Tree); (3) Superlativae (unicellular energy beings); (4) Macrodealia (motile multicellular life); Anachronae (pyrokinetic slimes, sentient jellies); and Awesommiae (the so-called “disco-balls”).

  This system promotes rigor in describing awesome life. For example, the animal commonly called the Laser-Eyed Immortal Ninja Elk is fully described as powerchordate reverberate of the Ninjanae Perpetuae riff and tag.

• [PaulMorel]

  I love this idea; however, John Hodgman did a thing very similar to the awesome animals idea in his most recent book. iirc.

  Unicorn:

  The History of Unicorn Physics Part 34: Queen Catherine’s Unfortunate Miscalculation

• [serraphin]

  Awesome:

  The Camelopard – the carnivorous, jungle dwelling cousin of the girrafe.

• [Dave Ng]

  Just a quick note to say, that next week I’ll take a look at these to see if I can piece something together for the Science Creative Quarterly. Thanks for playing!

• [Anonymous]

  A single Dr. McNinja comic seems to cover both topics. Spoiler alert. If you have not read “Doc Gets Rad” from the beginning, and intend to do so, you might not want to view this:

  Unicorns:

  More Than Meets the Eye: Universal Chameleoform Infomatics in Reality-Traversing Unicorns
  http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/15p64

  Blackhole Theory: Could Unicorns be the Gravity-Well Equivalent in Magic-Based Universes?
  http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/15p65

  Unicorns and the Time-Loop Paradox
  http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/15p71

  Awesome:

  Ents with helicopters for heads.
  http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/15p66

  Also, this thing:
  http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/15p62