It is with great regret...

Rob Beschizza's tribute to the genre conventions of Japanese-style computer roleplaying games.

By Rob Beschizza at 8:00 am Tue, Oct 19, 2010

The following correspondence was found among the effects of Chalmond Carmon, Chief Alderman of Windyvale, upon the disposition of his estate. It appears he told no-one of the information contained therein.

interstice_.png

Argo Voslant,
Adjutant to Sturmbrigadier Shabbant K'zharn
1st Brigade, 7th Infantry Division, MXII Legio, Imperial Army
Kharalian, Palace of the Gate of Doom
Satrapy of Althanda

 

Dear Alderman Carmon,

It is with great regret that I report the detention and summary execution of four youngsters claiming to be residents of Windyvale, your village. Their names, as far as we can ascertain, were Justinian, Illanda, Shimo and Zasp. Please inform their families and contact us as soon as possible to arrange transit of their remains for interment. In the meantime, we have preserved them in accordance with the Kirian rite. Please accept my most humble apologies if we have erred.

In the usual course of events, this would mark the proper limit of correspondence on behalf of the Imperial Army. However, a marked increase in the number of young, foolish heroes leading assaults on the Opal Throne has been noted, and in this case I find myself particularly moved by the circumstances. My own brother was forced to bring two of these youngsters down himself in defense of His Refulgent Majesty's regnant interests, and the days since have not been easy for him. We are accustomed to fending off mighty barbarians, honorable knights and powerful sorcerers, but this is entirely too much.

These were children, Mr. Carmon. Children.

If you are to revolt, would it not be appropriate to do so with your own arms and abilities? I know youngsters can be excitable, but by your inaction, you are allowing your own offspring to waste their lives in futile crusades. And if you are encouraging them -- one of them was convinced a rusted blade, for which he was apparently forced to pay 5g by your own village merchant, was the "ancestral scire of Windyvale's destiny" -- then shame on you. As agents of the Imperial Army, it is our job to crush resistance with an iron fist. This should not entail defending the Empire from its own sons.

As absurd as it is to discuss with apparent rebels the intricacies of combat, I simply cannot contain myself. What on earth are you telling them? Flamboyant, brightly-dyed hairdos confer no advantage whatsoever in a tactical situation, Mr. Carmon. Ten foot-long swords, despite their reach, are in fact deleterious to one's combat performance. Female combatants should be aware that mobility in the face of danger comes secondary to the need for adequate protection -- can you not even appropriately equip them at the outset?

It is not the case that sudden advances in ability and understanding will restore one's health in the midst of battle. One's adversaries will not wait patiently for you to rifle through your possessions in search of useful items. It is not possible to drag around countless miscellaneous objects without impediment. Small animals possessing a high cute coefficient cannot aid you. There is never anything of practical value to be found in ruins, abandoned mines, cave systems and other intriguing locales. Where do they pick up all this nonsense?

No soldier is honored by meaningless slaughter. Ensure that I never have to write to you again.

Sincerely yours,

arno.png

Argo Voslant,
Adjutant to Sturmbrigadier Shabbant K'zharn
MXII Legio, Imperial Army

interstice_.png

Note: the comments below are closed. Discuss this post in the BBS forums.

Published 8:00 am Tue, Oct 19, 2010

About the Author

Rob Beschizza is the Managing Editor of Boing Boing. He's @beschizza on Twitter and can be found on Facebook too. Try your luck at besc...@gmail.com

 

Continue the discussion at bbs.boingboing.net

1 reply