It is with great regret...
The following correspondence was found among the effects of Chalmond Carmon, Chief Alderman of Windyvale, upon the disposition of his estate. It appears he told no-one of the information contained therein.
Adjutant to Sturmbrigadier Shabbant K'zharn
1st Brigade, 7th Infantry Division, MXII Legio, Imperial Army
Kharalian, Palace of the Gate of Doom
Satrapy of Althanda
Dear Alderman Carmon,
It is with great regret that I report the detention and summary execution of four youngsters claiming to be residents of Windyvale, your village. Their names, as far as we can ascertain, were Justinian, Illanda, Shimo and Zasp. Please inform their families and contact us as soon as possible to arrange transit of their remains for interment. In the meantime, we have preserved them in accordance with the Kirian rite. Please accept my most humble apologies if we have erred.
In the usual course of events, this would mark the proper limit of correspondence on behalf of the Imperial Army. However, a marked increase in the number of young, foolish heroes leading assaults on the Opal Throne has been noted, and in this case I find myself particularly moved by the circumstances. My own brother was forced to bring two of these youngsters down himself in defense of His Refulgent Majesty's regnant interests, and the days since have not been easy for him. We are accustomed to fending off mighty barbarians, honorable knights and powerful sorcerers, but this is entirely too much.
These were children, Mr. Carmon. Children.
If you are to revolt, would it not be appropriate to do so with your own arms and abilities? I know youngsters can be excitable, but by your inaction, you are allowing your own offspring to waste their lives in futile crusades. And if you are encouraging them -- one of them was convinced a rusted blade, for which he was apparently forced to pay 5g by your own village merchant, was the "ancestral scire of Windyvale's destiny" -- then shame on you. As agents of the Imperial Army, it is our job to crush resistance with an iron fist. This should not entail defending the Empire from its own sons.
As absurd as it is to discuss with apparent rebels the intricacies of combat, I simply cannot contain myself. What on earth are you telling them? Flamboyant, brightly-dyed hairdos confer no advantage whatsoever in a tactical situation, Mr. Carmon. Ten foot-long swords, despite their reach, are in fact deleterious to one's combat performance. Female combatants should be aware that mobility in the face of danger comes secondary to the need for adequate protection -- can you not even appropriately equip them at the outset?
It is not the case that sudden advances in ability and understanding will restore one's health in the midst of battle. One's adversaries will not wait patiently for you to rifle through your possessions in search of useful items. It is not possible to drag around countless miscellaneous objects without impediment. Small animals possessing a high cute coefficient cannot aid you. There is never anything of practical value to be found in ruins, abandoned mines, cave systems and other intriguing locales. Where do they pick up all this nonsense?
No soldier is honored by meaningless slaughter. Ensure that I never have to write to you again.
Adjutant to Sturmbrigadier Shabbant K'zharn
MXII Legio, Imperial Army
Joel Johnson describes An Aggressor’s Strategy to Slither.io, the snake-meets-lightcycles game that everyone plays on the internet. Using these tactics I can get over 5,000 almost every time I play within 1–2 minutes, regularly crest 10,000, and have touched the top of the leaderboard at least once a day. Of course, I die a lot […]
Dyson Logos’s G+ account is an endlessly scrolling inventory of hand-drawn D&D maps, each one cooler than the last.
Doniguitar — makers of the Rebel Bass Millennium Falcon bass guitar — also make the NES Paul, a guitar whose body is made from hollowed out, vintage Nintendo Entertainment Systems.
You never know when new projects, ideas or opportunities can drop into your lap at a moment’s notice. That may require you to learn a new programming language like Python. Or maybe you need a primer on 3D game development. Or you might realize you could use a serious brush-up on iOS mobile creation.Point is, […]
Isn’t it about time to stretch what your Mac can do? I mean, you’ve got plenty of great programs now…but don’t you think you could use some new tools to get your creative, analytical and organizational juices really flowing? It’s spring, so we cleaned up a whole bunch of super-cool apps lying around and packaged […]
In the world of app development, there’s no greater arena to find success than with Android users. About 80% of the smartphones in use today worldwide operate on the Android operating system, so if you build a great app that Android users love, you’re an international rock star. You’ll be able to make sure your […]