It is with great regret...
The following correspondence was found among the effects of Chalmond Carmon, Chief Alderman of Windyvale, upon the disposition of his estate. It appears he told no-one of the information contained therein.
Adjutant to Sturmbrigadier Shabbant K'zharn
1st Brigade, 7th Infantry Division, MXII Legio, Imperial Army
Kharalian, Palace of the Gate of Doom
Satrapy of Althanda
Dear Alderman Carmon,
It is with great regret that I report the detention and summary execution of four youngsters claiming to be residents of Windyvale, your village. Their names, as far as we can ascertain, were Justinian, Illanda, Shimo and Zasp. Please inform their families and contact us as soon as possible to arrange transit of their remains for interment. In the meantime, we have preserved them in accordance with the Kirian rite. Please accept my most humble apologies if we have erred.
In the usual course of events, this would mark the proper limit of correspondence on behalf of the Imperial Army. However, a marked increase in the number of young, foolish heroes leading assaults on the Opal Throne has been noted, and in this case I find myself particularly moved by the circumstances. My own brother was forced to bring two of these youngsters down himself in defense of His Refulgent Majesty's regnant interests, and the days since have not been easy for him. We are accustomed to fending off mighty barbarians, honorable knights and powerful sorcerers, but this is entirely too much.
These were children, Mr. Carmon. Children.
If you are to revolt, would it not be appropriate to do so with your own arms and abilities? I know youngsters can be excitable, but by your inaction, you are allowing your own offspring to waste their lives in futile crusades. And if you are encouraging them -- one of them was convinced a rusted blade, for which he was apparently forced to pay 5g by your own village merchant, was the "ancestral scire of Windyvale's destiny" -- then shame on you. As agents of the Imperial Army, it is our job to crush resistance with an iron fist. This should not entail defending the Empire from its own sons.
As absurd as it is to discuss with apparent rebels the intricacies of combat, I simply cannot contain myself. What on earth are you telling them? Flamboyant, brightly-dyed hairdos confer no advantage whatsoever in a tactical situation, Mr. Carmon. Ten foot-long swords, despite their reach, are in fact deleterious to one's combat performance. Female combatants should be aware that mobility in the face of danger comes secondary to the need for adequate protection -- can you not even appropriately equip them at the outset?
It is not the case that sudden advances in ability and understanding will restore one's health in the midst of battle. One's adversaries will not wait patiently for you to rifle through your possessions in search of useful items. It is not possible to drag around countless miscellaneous objects without impediment. Small animals possessing a high cute coefficient cannot aid you. There is never anything of practical value to be found in ruins, abandoned mines, cave systems and other intriguing locales. Where do they pick up all this nonsense?
No soldier is honored by meaningless slaughter. Ensure that I never have to write to you again.
Adjutant to Sturmbrigadier Shabbant K'zharn
MXII Legio, Imperial Army
Eric Harshbarger’s weird, laser-engraved dice are a tour-de-force: a pair of D6s for figuring out where to go for dinner in NYC; another D6 to figure out which die you should roll; an all-20s critical hit D20; Sicherman D6s that have different faces to a normal D6 pair, but the same probability distribution; punctuation mark […]
The latest Tropes vs Women in Video Games (previously) is as on-point, smart, and deep as ever.
Mike Campau recreated Generation Gap, a CGI series of some of the most iconic items from 1980s childhoods, each one lit with gorgeous multi-hued gradients.
Amazon’s Audible is hands-down the most popular place to find audiobooks. With its library of over 180,000 books, Audible has the biggest audiobook selection in the world, and a membership gets you a free book each month. You can sync Audible across multiple devices, so you’ll never lose your spot whether you’re on your computer or your phone.This […]
#1. A-Audio Legacy Noise Cancelling Headphones with 3-Stage Technology The A-Audio Legacy Headphones are the Boing Boing Store’s best seller this month, and it’s easy to see why. With 40mm drivers, powerful circuitry, and memory foam padded circumaural ear cups, these are clearly super high-quality headphones. Plus, the patented 3-Stage Technology lets you toggle between passive […]
Vaping is getting more mainstream by the day, which means there’s been an influx of quality yet affordable vaporizers on the market. We’re particularly excited about the APX Wax Vaporizer Kit, which is an easy-to-use, high-quality vape that works with both dry herbs and waxy concentrates.If you’re a beginner trying to get into vaping, the APX […]