Diamond-ring-store urinal plaque asks pissers to consider the up and downsides of bailing on marriage

Reportedly, this extraordinary ranty plaque hangs over a urinal at an unnamed jeweler's specialized in diamond engagement rings; it reads like a cross between Trainspotting and Fight Club, and, if genuine, is a remarkable piece of retail psychology. I wonder if it works?

a plaque above the mens urinal in an engagement ring store (lookitskelvin.com)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

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The Snowden Principle

Hanglyman

Yes, single people are subhuman monsters. If you have friends who aren’t married, you’re creepy and horrible. And you definitely don’t bathe, because the only reason anyone would ever do that is because they’re trying to impress their mate. In fact, that’s the only reason anyone does anything- if you’re not constantly searching for a mate or already married, your life has no meaning and you have no worth. Conform. Conform. Conform.

Oh, and buy an expensive diamond ring for your wife. The more expensive it is, the more you love her!
alxr

I thought it was a funny little bit of prose, with a nice wry style to it. No need to get all uptight because lots of people buy wedding rings, guys. Why so serious?
- imag
  
  Totally agree. As someone who has enjoyed being single and married, I thought this was a great take on married/single angst. I don’t think for a second that it’s trying to seriously lay out what it is to be a bachelor or a married person.
  
  Advertisements over the urinal DO offend me. I don’t want to be sold crap when I’m urinating. This is not that.
Anonymous

Advertising is almost always playing on some form of insecurity. There is very often a message of “if you don’t have this [insert thing/service for sale] you are fucked!”
jhhl

What’s posted over the urinals in Congress? The constitution? Or is it silkscreened IN the urinals?
- sdmikev
  
  There are rolls and rolls of Constitution TP supplied by Blackwater..
Anonymous

Also, “a group of guys who with each passing year are starting to get, frankly, a little creepy.” should probably read something like “…with each passing year are, frankly, getting a bit creepier”.
SamSam

To all those who are unimpressed by this, or offended that someone is insulting your bachelorhood, or saying that we should have to abide by societal norms, you’re missing the point: This isn’t directed at you. Go away and stop complaining.

This is directed at precisely someone who is about to get married. Who is looking for an engagement ring. Not someone who thinks that being a bachelor is all he needs in life. Someone who might be getting cold feet and is starting to be worried that he’s about to lose all his “best” days as a bachelor, precisely because of the societal norms that tell us that bachelors have all the fun. Someone, even, who might get the joke.
Anonymous

Can you imagine the uproar if a similar plaque was placed in the ladies room at a bridal shop, except it insulted brides to be?

The above is funny, but another example of a sexist double standard.
gwailo_joe

Yes: Wodehouse for the win indeed. . .

As a Bertie Wooster acolyte without the means, the Aunts or the genius manservant; I relish my single status.

But it is a constant struggle: “I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don’t know how to account for it, but it is so.”
Anonymous

Your pissing extract , time to focus …
schmod

This is funnier when you imagine it being read out loud by Isaiah Mustafa.
- Phil Ward
  
  #2 Thank you, I wondered whose voice I was reading that in? :)
Anonymous

“..is it currently possible to post anything funny on the internet without drawing out 100 offended handwringing ninnies?”

Good point. We are running out of subgroups to make fun of.
knoxblox

So late bachelorhood is an automatic entry into the “creepy club”?

Haven’t these marketing geniuses seen how many married creeps make the local police rap sheet every week (male and female)?
Anonymous

Two things I love about this:

1.) The fact it’s titled “Run”
2.) The writing style reminds me of a cross between, at first, a survival handbook, then to a 50′s-70′s-esque Goofy instructional video.

Fantastic.
zachgray

This is inside Robbins Brothers. Also, above the bathroom door handle on the way out it says something like “Okay, good talk.”
gregbaker

I’d swear that this is posted in the Spence Diamonds in Vancouver. I remember having my wife (then fiancÃ©e, obviously) go check the women’s washroom: there was something equally amusing posted there.

It didn’t work on us: we bought elsewhere.
Anonymous

Fucking brilliant example of reverse psychology. Their sales would probably decline if they ever took it down.
Anonymous

As a bachelor, I find this highly offensive. There’s more to life than conforming to social norms.
- MrJM
  
  “As a bachelor, I find this highly offensive.”
  
  CWAA.
- grimc
  
  As another bachelor, I recognize “conforming to social norms” for the sad rationalization it is.
oddible

Yep, this was on the door in Spence in Vancouver, as I recall there were other funny plaques as well.
Skidds

The notion that a man is creepy because he is single and has reached a certain age is a destructive one that should be disregarded. For some reason men are expected to either always be working or be with their families once they have reached a certain age. These men have it hard enough with being alone all the time and you have to call them creepy on top of it? Bad form. The funny factor is understood, but treating single people with more respect could possibly save their life.
Anonymous

I like the drop shadow.

+1 to #2 for Isaiah Mustafa reference.
BDiamond

Marriage. Been there, done that, got the scars on my soul as proof.
Anonymous

Funny, I never wanted a diamond engagement ring. My now-husband is the one who insisted.
awjtawjt

I think this is lame. Even as advertising. It’s personal choice what we do in life. Sometimes bachelorhood was exhilarating, sometimes deeply lonely. Marriage is sometimes exhilarating, sometimes a huge bore. It’s what you put into it that pays off. I enjoyed being a bachelor and I enjoy being married. Regardless, it’s my choice. And every guy’s and girl’s choice what they do.
Torley

Have any of you been to the Melting Pot (fondue)? Some branches have a message like this in their restrooms, albeit briefer. Some of them discourage revelation without having seen them in-person, but here’s an example.
technogeek

Singularly underimpressed, verging on annoyed.

If you’re interested in signing a civil-union contract (probably a good idea if there will be one or more dependents in the relationship, or if you really want to merge your financial/legal status), marriage is the one that’s currently written into lots of other contracts and laws.

Or, if you feel a social/religious obligation, that might be sufficient justification.

If you think marriage will keep a relationship together when it goes through rough times… I’m not convinced, but good luck.

Otherwise… Why?

(For reference, I’ve been in a we’ll-figure-out-what-to-call-it-someday relationship for 25 years, with neither of us interested in marriage. We’ve maintained separate households all that time, we’ve each self-supporting.I make more money, she has better employee benefits. Neither one of us is looking elsewhere; neither one of us would hold the other back if they did want to move on. Neither of us wants kids. Marriage would be pointless-to-counterproductive.)
- Anonymous
  
  That’s awesome that you found a way to live that works so well; it just so happens that I have, too, and it’s different than yours. Sure, my way is super mainstream, but I’m extremely happy with it. Being married, to me, has no religious significance. It does have financial benefits (I get awesome benefits, being a teacher, and it’s great to be able to share that), but more than anything marriage acts as a way to express love. It is a great feeling to know that I have found someone I truly don’t want to live without, and marriage is just a convenient way to express that. I don’t really think more of marriage than that, and to be honest, for most relationships, marriage isn’t necessary (including mine). It’s just nice.
dross1260

What ho, Bertie!
- bklynchris
  
  For the WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  They really need one for women considering motherhood. I had a girlfriend call me crying accusing me of hating her because, as a mother myself, I didn’t talk her out of having children.
Anonymous

“I believe the shop owner and yourself are members of the same club, sir.”

Dross FTW.
Anonymous

I’ve my own plaque:

“Right after you picked out the diamond and discovered that you’d blown your entire budget and she was now looking at $5K mountings to put it in, did you suggest she wear it in something sleek and simple? Did she then glare witheringly and say right back, “IS THAT ALL I’M WORTH TO YOU?” Run. Imagine being taken financially at every holiday, at every emotional faux pas, at every opportunity. THink hard about what ‘worth’ means to her.”

Sure, there are guys out there every bit as bad, but this particular scenario is what I get to see on an almost daily basis. For the record, I am a goldsmith and female, married, and wear none of the stuff I am rather forced by necessity to make for clowns like these.
- AnneH
  
  I’m surprised no one has mentioned yet what a scam diamond engagement rings are.
  
  The demand for diamond engagement rings was entirely manufactured by DeBeers marketing. Diamonds are not actually rare or valuable; DeBeers monopolized supply and demand for many years.
  
  http://www.blacktable.com/bruno031030.htm
  
  http://www.crossingwallstreet.com/archives/2009/05/the-diamond-market-is-a-scam.html
- Halloween Jack
  
  Too right. If love–or, rather, “love”–is a battlefield, consider that “the only way to win is not to play.”
Philboyd Studge

Gents,
Consider giving her an emerald ring instead, it will hold value better, and superstition holds the stone will crack if the love of your life turns out to be a cheating skank.
Anonymous

Is it currently possible to post anything funny on the internet without drawing out 100 offended handwringing ninnies? I’m not sure it is. It’s just a funny sign in a jewelry store, not an order from on-high to conform.