Dolphin teleportation symposium: now with more Eisenhowers!

Presidential descendant and professional dolphin teleporter Laura Magdalene Eisenhower joins Joan Ocean in hosting a $1550 Hawai'ian symposium on dolphin teleportation, time travel, and the "transformative paradigm for 2012." Also: Ms Eisenhower's an AVATAR who was invited to a SECRET COLONY ON MARS.

Dolphins and Teleportation (Thanks, Mrneutron!)

Update: Ackpht, in the comments:

There was a descendant of Dwight
whose speed was much faster than light
she went out to play
with the dolphins one day
and returned on the previous night.


  1. Having read a fair amount of the Warhammer 40k source material concerning the horrors of the warp, and watched Event Horizon not long ago, I would really like to see some photoshops of what psychic communion and teleportation with a pack of vicious, thrill-killing, rapist cetaceans would actually be like…

  2. I haven’t yet read the link, but the imagery and verbiage in the poster look like something from a John Varley book.

  3. It’s like someone shredded a copy of New Scientist and arbitrarily reassembled it. I’m surprised there’s no mention of quantum black holes or DNA continua.

  4. yes yes, insane people are funny and interesting, and insane people that are related to famous people even more-so. then there’s glenn-beck.

    (but look over here) here’s a clay pot to cook nothing but bananas… “just look at it”:

  5. Hmm… Time traveling with dolphins AND proof that Mars is inhabited… meeting with “fellow time travelers on our historic path to enlightenment.” For ONLY $1215 without the hotel!!

    Knowing that the alternative is sending money to some TV evengelist, this may possibly be a relative bargain. It at least includes snorkeling in Hawaii. Hahahahaha…

  6. It’s not “Hawai’ian”, it’s “Hawaiian”. “Hawai’i” is a Hawaiian word, so it uses the Hawaiian ‘okina character, but “Hawaiian” is an English word and doesn’t. It’s like how in Spain they call their language Español, with a “ñ”, but in English we don’t spell it Spañish.

  7. I don’t believe this one bit.

    If they’re so good at teleportation, why do I have to spend extra for dolphin-safe tuna?

  8. Can we be so sure that this is indeed ‘dolphin teleportation?’ What if we showed up and it was in fact two separate topics?
    Or what if the dolphins are being teleported by something else (hippos, perhaps) rather than doing it themselves?

    1. Upon first reading, I thought the idea was that Ms. Eisenhower had the ability to teleport dolphins, an impressive superpower, but unlikely to get her into the Justice League.

  9. If you read the Web site, you swim with the dolphins and then they take you on a trip around the universe through both time and space.

  10. Wow. Just… wow. I’d like to propose a Kickstarter project to fund a journalist to go to this thing, then report back on the characters he finds there.

    I’m guessing there aren’t a ton of actively psychotic schizophrenics out there with the means and wherewithal to swing an expensive “symposium” like this. You’d probably see a lot more schizotypal personal disorder and such at these things. Or maybe, I don’t know, really “open minded” people?

    And who are these speakers? Fulbright scholars with advanced degrees from Yale and Stanford? Who just happen to believe that they’ve accomplished time travel to Mars? Either these people had psychotic breaks late in life after accomplishing a lot, or they did/do a ton of drugs, or they’re charlatans. Either way, I’m fascinated.

  11. 1) Time Travel is very real and possible, however it does require suitable power sources and the ability to “slingshot” around a gravity well. The math required to do it is rather intense. If you plan to attend be sure to ask to see their time travel equations. (Make sure they carry the e.)

    2) Teleportion is also very real, but because you must deal with the issue of knowing the location of each proton, electron and neutron in orbit at any one time. The computational requirements for this are are huge especially when attempting to move anything bigger than the single photon you have successful moved to date., You also have to take into account the whole issue of Heisenberg uncertainty. Ask to see their Heisenberg uncertainty compensators.

    3) Dolphins, like giant whales, are connected to some interplanetary beings. Different beings have different attitudes toward humans. Some get very angry when you mess with their relatives. The author’s statement that Dolphins are filled with “unconditional love” toward humans seems a bit broad. Some dolphins are just horny, which many humans mistake for love.

    4) Be very careful when throwing in your lot with former United States Presidents (or their relatives) they don’t always live up to your expectations. And you should be suspicious of what they do, no one is perfect. After all, you are only human.


  12. I have maintained for years that if teleportation is possible, then the first Earth creatures to develop it will be domestic cats.

    Anyone who has lived with cats know that quite frequently they havetobeinthenextroomRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOW!

  13. I don’t understand all this fuss about time travel. I’m traveling through time right now. Sometimes it goes fast (like when I’m getting ready for work in the morning), other times it goes slow (like at the dentist’s office, or those last two hours at work), and sometimes it jumps ahead 6-8 hours (usually at night while I’m asleep). Big deal.

  14. The comment at the link is a masterpiece of understatement: “Visiting my folks for Thanksgiving. Mom is on some weird mailing lists.”

  15. Don’t miss the last night of the conference, for the highlight of the event, the big luau and dolphin BBQ. Yum.

  16. Everyone here is missing the big picture: Before he was President, Eisenhower commanded all Allied forces in Europe. A team of OSS paratroopers under his direct command discovered an underwater Nazi base off the coast of Norway that was training dolphins to become time traveling assassins. The project was stymied because the dolphins were loathe to fully embrace the tenants of national socialism (most were dedicated Trotsky followers.) General Eisenhower ordered this program to be continued, but redirected for peaceful purposes, keeping it secret until the world was ready for dolphin time travel. The keeper of that secret is his granddaughter. And the time of their revelation is… NOW.

  17. Actually, you know this stuff is real. One of the speakers, Andrew D. Basiago, served as a child agent in DARPA time-travel experiments in the late 60’s… but DARPA didn’t even become DARPA until 1972….

    Explain THAT, skeptics!!!!

  18. Okay, I’ll admit it. I would *love* to go to this, to meet the people involved and to listen to the talks. I’m fascinated by these kinds of shared realities, just like one of the BB writers posted a few months ago about being fascinated by human potential seminars.

    What are the foundations and boundaries of their mythology? Where do their “superpowers” come from? How do they rationalize their inability to display these superpowers in public? What do they use as evidence? Just fascinating how folks can blur fantasy and reality like this.

    1. It’s very easy to believe in “magic,” if you never consider it just might not be the way you believe(d). That is, locking into only one way of seeing things reinforces itself repeatedly (“Fundamentalists become yet more fundamentalist, as long as they act fundamentalist.”); entertaining other options can lead to other ways of thinking.

  19. With apologies to A.H. Reginald Buller:

    There was a descendant of Dwight
    whose speed was much faster than light
    she went out to play
    with the dolphins one day
    and returned on the previous night.

  20. Actually went with my family about 11 years ago and had an amazing experience swimming with the dolphins. Being teleported? Hmmmm … didn’t sign up for that.

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