It's Thursday afternoon and I'm feeling a bit silly, so I'm putting out a call for everyone to share their favorite groan-inducing, head-slapping, pun-laden science and math jokes. Here's a couple to start us out:

From The Republic of Math on Twitter

Q: Why couldn't Pythagoras get a car loan?

A: He couldn't find anyone to cosine!

I can't remember where I heard this joke, but as the wife of an engineer, it amuses me.

Your turn!

Three men—a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer—are discussing their love lives. The mathematician starts off talking about how much he loves having a wife. She takes care of him. She always there for him. She's so constant, just everything he could want.

But the biologist disagrees. "What you really need is a mistress," he says. "My wife is boring, but my mistress always makes sure there's something new and exciting going on."

Those two argue back and forth for a little while until, finally, they ask the engineer to break the tie. Which is better, a wife, or a mistress?

"I like having both," says the engineer. "That way, one of them always assumes I'm off spending time with the other one, and I can go into the office and get some work done."

Image: Some rights reserved by the mad LOLscientist

Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Dec 25 = Oct 31

Q: what’s a polar bear?

A: a rectangular bear with another set of coordinates.

I think the repeats in here certainly illustrate how important delivery of a joke is, even just in written form!

The “correct” version of the polar bear joke is something like “a polar bear is a cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.”

I think the joke got changed by some people to “rectangular” (which doesn’t make sense) because people don’t know what cartesian and polar coordinates are?

Anyway to make up for this comment, here’s a joke:

Q: How many petroleum geologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but hundreds will apply for the job.

I think it went from “Cartesian” to “rectilinear,” and got mangled to “rectangular” from there.

What’s the square root of 69?

Eight something

What’s the square root of -69

i8something

What is the square root of minus 69?

Answer: i eight something

Werner Heisenberg is speeding along in his car when he is pulled over by a state patrolman. The trooper walks up to the side of the car, and as Heisenberg rolls down the window, the trooper asks, “Son, do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg responds, “No, but I knew exactly where I was!”

What’s an anagram for Banach-Tarski?

Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.

What do you get when you divide NaCl by NaOH? A base under assault!

I won’t tell you the setup, but the punchline is:

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

Q: Why did the statistician take a bomb with him every time he flew?

A: What are the chances of there being two bombs on an airplane?

Billy’s father was a chemist,

Though his is no more.

What he thought was H2O

Was H2SO4.

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

A: Pull down it’s jeans.

It’s = It is. :P

Even better:

Q. What do color blindness and diarrhea have in common?

A. They both run in your jeans!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe?

Elephant giraffe sine theta.

What do you get when you cross a tse tse fly and a mountain climber?

Nothing – you can’t cross a vector and a scalar.

Also, more of a pickup line than a joke, but definitely groan-worthy:

Hey baby, want to integrate? I’d love to be the area under your curves.

What do you get when you cross a Zebra and an Elephant?

Zebra * Elephant * sin(Theta)

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician were asked to watch a house for a month and report their observations.

A week passes and no one is seen going into or out of the house.

The next week, one person is observed entering the house.

The next week, two people leave the house together.

The biologist says: “Oh, well they must have procreated!”

The physicist says: “Our initial observations must have been incorrect!”

And, the mathematician says: “If one more person enters that house, it’ll be empty!”

A malacologist was chilling at home drinking a beer and watching Adventure Time. There was a knock at his door & he irritatedly stood to answer it.

On his porch was a haplotrema vancouverense. “Can I borrow your phone?” Piped up the snail.

“Fuck no.” Said the scientist, kicking the snail off his porch.

TWO YEARS later the scientist was at home chilling out, drinking a beer and watching Regular Show. There was a knock at his door.

It was the very same haplotrema.”What the fuck was that about?”

What do you get when you cross Sir Edmund Hillary with Typhoid Mary?

Nothing, ‘cuz you can’t cross a scalar and a vector!

A neutrino walks into a bar. The barkeeper says:”We don’t serve your kind here!” The neutrino replies:”Well, I was just passing through!”

Q: What’s the value of a contour integral around Western Europe?

A: 0 — All the poles are in Eastern Europe.

Correction: Actually, there are poles in Western Europe, but they are all removable.

1) An infinite number of mathmatitions walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.

The second one orders 1/2 a beer.

The third one orders 1/4 a beer.

The bartender looks at them and says, “You idiots!” and he pours them two beers.

2) SchrÃ¶dinger’s and his cat walk into a bar.

Maybe.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second a half pint, the third a quarter pint.

“All right, all right. I get it.” says the bartender, and puts up two pints.

DAMN IT

What did the photon say to the proton?

Nothing–it just waved!

an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. the first one approaches the counter and asks for a pint of beer. the second mathematician asks for a half pint. the third mathematician asks for a quarter pint.

the bartender says “you guys are assholes” and pours two pints.

jinx. you owe me a [cola]

Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first atom says to the second “Hey I think I just lost an electron” The second hydrogen atom replies, “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

curses, foiled. +1

a polar bear is just a regular bear that’s gone through a coordinate transform.

Do greek cows say Mu?

No, but Swedish cows do….

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer and a computer scientist are all asked to evaluate the proposition that “all odd numbers greater than 1 are prime”.

The mathematician starts: “3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime. The proposition is false”

Physicist: “3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime–hmm, experimental error? 11 is prime. 13 is prime, … The proposition is probably true”.

Engineer: “3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime …”

Computer scientist: “3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime…”

There’s an extension to this one for linguists:

The linguist says, “3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime, but there must therefore be a deep structure in which 9 is prime!”

The one you told about a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer I’ve heard about Lenin and contemporary politicians.

The punchline goes something like this: “So I tell my wife I went to the mistress, tell the mistress I’m gone to my wife, then I go to the attic, and – learn, learn and study again!” (“Ð£Ñ‡Ð¸Ñ‚ÑŒÑÑ, ÑƒÑ‡Ð¸Ñ‚ÑŒÑÑ Ð¸ ÑƒÑ‡Ð¸Ñ‚ÑŒÑÑ”)

Q: What’s the integral of [1/(Cabin)] d(Cabin)?

A: Log(Cabin)

But really it’s a houseboat, because you have to add “C”.

Teacher: So y = r^3 over 3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

[The class laughs except for Bart who appears confused.]

Teacher: Don’t you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r^2 dr over 3, or r^2 dr, or r dr r.

This one needs visual aids:

[make your hand scuttle around the desk like a spider] “if this is a centimeter”

[turn hand over, keep in one place and make your slightly curled fingers twitch spasmodically]

“what’s this?”

Answer: It’s an erg (a dyne centimeter)

Somewhere a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention — so he’s let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem……”

One atom says to the other “Hey, I just lost an electron!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m positive!”

Fallout 3?

Sorry, all I’ve got is a philosophy joke.

Rene Descartes goes into a bar and asks for their cheapest domestic beer. The bartender recognizes him as the famous French philosopher and asks if he wouldn’t prefer a nice snifter of brandy. Descartes says “No, I think not” and *poof*, he disappears.

Speaking of Descartes (who actually counts as a mathematician besides a philosopher), his last job was as a mathematics tutor to the Queen of Sweden (this is true, btw)

Anyway, the story goes that the Queen’s schedule was so packed that the only time they had was before her morning riding lesson. Descartes, being elderly and Sweden being cold, contracted pneumonia from getting up so early on chilly mornings and died. So the moral from this was “Don’t put Descartes before the horse”.

There’s more…

Descartes and Heisenberg are sitting at the bar. The bartender asks Descartes, “Would you like another?”

Descartes says, “No” and *Poof* he disappears.

The stunned bartender says, “Did you see that?!”

Heisenberg says, “I can’t be certain.”

…oops?

Anyway, all I’ve got is a bumper sticker, spotted on the rear of a maroon Volvo near JPL in Pasadena:

“If this car looks blue, you’re driving too fast.”

Yes, crap…

“I think not” and *Poof* he disappears. Wish you could edit or delete comments…

Really? I thought it was a take on “I drink, therefore I am.”

An engineer, physicist and mathematician all stay in a hotel. Carpet fires break out in each of their rooms. The engineer climbs out the window, gets the gardeners hose, fills the room to 2″ and goes back to sleep. The physicist looks at the volume of air, material of the carpet, goes to the bathroom, gets .6 liters of water, dumps it on the carpet and goes back to sleep. The mathematician looks at the fire, the size of the room, concludes the problem is easily solvable and goes back to sleep.

A physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician are given a test to determine which profession is inherently smarter. The chemist is led into a small kitchen and said “The test is to see who perform the following task most efficiently. Boil a gallon of water.”

The chemist reaches into a cabinet, takes out a pot, fills it at the sink, places it on a burner, and waits. After all, what else can he do?

The physicist saw the performance and said “I can improve on this”. So he pulled out four pots, fills each with a quarter gallon, and boils each on a separate burner, chuckling at his own cleverness.

The mathematician can’t wait to show off HIS method, so after the physicist is done, the mathematician shoulders him aside, pours out all the water, turns off the stove, puts away the pots, and says “I have reduced this to a previously solved problem.”

Q: What’s Cole’s Law?

A: Thinly-sliced cabbage.

A physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician are given a test to determine which profession is inherently smarter. The chemist is led into a small kitchen and said “The test is to see who perform the following task most efficiently. Boil a gallon of water.”

The chemist reaches into a cabinet, takes out a pot, fills it at the sink, places it on a burner, and waits. After all, what else can he do?

The physicist saw the performance and said “I can improve on this”. So he pulled out four pots, fills each with a quarter gallon, and boils each on a separate burner, chuckling at his own cleverness.

The mathematician can’t wait to show off HIS method, so after the physicist is done, the mathematician shoulders him aside, pours out all the water, turns off the stove, puts away the pots, and says “I have reduced this to a previously solved problem.”

A byte comes into a bar, looking disheveled.

Bartender asks, “What happened to you?”

The byte replies, “Parity error.”

Bartender nods his head, “yeah, you looked a bit off”.

ALEX TREBEK: “The circumference of a circle is Pi-times *this* squared.”

SFX: Ding!

ALEX TREBEK: “Long-John?”

What? The square root of its diameter?

Let party derivative be defined as number of bottles of alcohol beverages that can bought after selling empty bottles left by party-goers.

What is a definition of good party?

Second derivative is greater than zero

q: what a vector said to another?

a: hey, do you have a momentum?

ok, in spanish is funny.

Saw this on a t-shirt today (fer reals:)

Dear Math,

I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems!

Two engineers are walking to class, the first one pushing a shiny new bike. Engineer 1 (insert name of favorite engineer) turns to Engineer 2 and says:

The greatest thing happened to me this morning. This blond, blue-eyed cheerleader rode her bike onto my lawn, jumped off, took off all her clothes and proceeded to tell me to take what ever I wanted, so I wound up with this swell new bike.

Engineer 2 replies “The bike was a good choice. The clothes would not have fit you anyways.”

Two physicists are disparaging a 3rd physicist. One says, “He is so dense has his own event horizon.”

What is pi?

Mathematician: The ratio of the circumference of a circle and twice its radius.

Engineer: 3.14159…

Physicist: It’s about 3.

there where all of the functions having a party, when sin(x), which were dancing with cos(x), realizes that e^x it’s sitting in a corner. sin(x) approaches it and says “come here and dance, INTEGRATE yourself!” and e^x answers “there’s no use, it’s the same!”

Psychoanalyst (in comedy Austrian accent): Vat ist between

sexundfear?fÃ¼nf!Now who wants a go at saying psychoanalysis isn’t science? I’ll take you suckers on!

I think psychology is fair game in a thread about science jokes… but even if not, this is too good/terrible a pun to pass up:

A psychologist is in his office, tending to business in between appointments, when a man bursts in, frantic:

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! I’m having an identity crisis! First I think I’m a wigwam, then I think I’m a tepee! I’m a wigwam! I’m a tepee! I’m a wigwam! I’m a tepee!”

The psychologist says, “Whoa whoa whoa! Sit down and relax… you’re two tents.”

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender hollers, “Get out! We don’t serve viruses here.”

The virus replies, “But I work here – I’m staph.”

Staphilococcus is a bacterium. :(

Quote from an old friend of mine: “No! Pi are ROUND!!”

Pi are round.

Cornbreadare square…(This is a favorite of my Advanced Engineering Math professor- he always tells it to the class the first day)

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all working in their offices late at night, when fires spontaneously erupt in each of their trash cans.

The engineer rushes to his feet, looks at the trash can, estimates the amount of water needed to extinguish it, fills a bucket, and puts the fire out. Then the engineer packs his briefcase, turns the lights off, and leaves.

The physicist also looks at his trash can, does a brief calculation to determine the amount of water needed, fills a bucket, and puts the fire out. Then he packs his briefcase, turns the lights off, and leaves.

The mathematician turns and looks at his trash can, pulls out his notepad, and writes an elegant proof showing exactly how much water would be needed to put the fire out (for any geometry trash can). Then he packs his briefcase, turns the lights off, and leaves.

aw, i just saw a previous joke similar to mine…

“Squawk! Pieces of nine! Pieces of nine!”

[pause]

“Sorry. Parity error”

1.Q: What’s yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?

A: Zorn’s lemon!

2. A small airplane over Warsaw is in trouble when its pilot suddenly keels over, dead. One of the passengers is persuaded to sit in the pilot’s chair and land, while the tower talks him through it, but finally he panics: “I can’t! I’m a simple Pole in a complex plane!”

My wife, without really understanding the original, nonetheless came up with a couple of variants of this which I think are funny:

Q: What’s similar to a camel and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?

A: Zorn’s llama.

Q: What do you call a Tibetan monk who’s equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?

A: Zorn’s lama.

Optimist – The glass is half full.

Pessimist – The glass is half empty.

Engineer – The glass is twice a large as it needs to be.

engineer: technically the glass is always full..half is air, half is water

I know this one as:

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

An engineer says the glass has a fifty percent safety margin.

Actually that would be a one hundred percent safety margin.

re:

Optimist – The glass is half full.

Pessimist – The glass is half empty.

Engineer – The glass is twice a large as it needs to be.

and..

Liberal Arts Major – “You want fries with that water?”

Chicago school economist – The market will downsize the glass

I think its not an Engineer, but an Accountant, who says this

Pedant: Full and Empty are absolutes, the glass is half-filled!

A farmer asks a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician to build an enclosure for his cows using the smallest amount of fencing possible. The physicist builds a perfectly circular enclosure. The engineer builds an enclosure that backs onto a pre-existing wall. The mathematician builds a little tiny fence around himself and says “I declare myself to be on the outside.”

Two radical behaviorists greet each other on the street.

“How am I today?” says one.

The other replies: “You’re fine. How about me?”

A young man from rural Alabama is the first in his family to go to college, and his family is very proud of this. He majors in mathematics. Upon his graduation, his family throws him a big party. Wanting to show his son off in front of the guests, his father asks him to “Say something mathematical.” The son thinks for a second, then says “Pi r squared.” His father is angry at this evidence that college has made his son ignorant. He indignantly replies “No, no, pie are *round.* *Cornbread* are square!”

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve infectious diseases here!”

The infectious disease says “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve bacteria here!”

One bacteria says “That’s ok, we work here.” “Yeah,” says the other, “we’re Staph.”

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve superconductors here!”

The room temperature superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

I saw these three (and a few others on this page, yay for science humor!) on YouTube performed by science comedian Brian Malow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7DkeQ0roAM . Enjoy! :)

That’s where I got them from! =)

I string walks into a bar. There is a sign that clearly says ‘No Strings Allowed’. The bartender goes over to him and says, ‘Your a string, aren’t you.’

The string replies, ‘fraid knot’.

*grrrrr*…that’s one of my favorite jokes, and you totally mangled it. And, it has nothing to do with math or science. Double fail!

Don’t make us beg: what’s your version?

OK, OK, but I reiterate, this is not a math or science joke….

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string leaves the bar, puts on a pair of dark glasses and a hat and walks back in. The bartender sizes him up a bit, then says, “I’m sorry, I told you that we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back outside. He ties himself in a loop and musses up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The beer is poured, and the neutron asks how much he owes.

Barman replies “for you, no charge”

Q: What do you call a parrot that goes “Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!”

A: A parrot-y error.

Q: Why are modern day blimps filled with helium instead of hydrogen?

A: Because of the Hindenburg uncertainty principle.

can i just say this thread is totally awesome?

i love you guys.

Replying to number 68, apparently yes.

An astrophysicist and his friend walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The physicist says, “I’ll have a Mexican beer.”

“Dos Equis?”

“No.”

“Modelo Especial?”

“No, something else.”

The bartender says “Alright, that’s it! Everybody out! Everybody out!” And proceeds to clear out the bar.

Outside, the friend turns to the astrophysicist and asks “What the hell was that all about?”

The physicist says, “I’m not sure, but I wasn’t expecting a corona mass ejection.”

(Moral of the story: corona is real gross.)

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are participants in a psychology experiment. The psychology locks each one individually in separate rooms for a day, with nothing more than a tin of beans, a blank sheet of paper and a pencil.

The following day, the psychologist opens the engineer’s room. The paper is blank, there are hundreds of dents on the wall, and the engineer is eating the beans.

The physicist’s door is opened: the paper is full of calculations, there is 1 dent on the wall, and the physicist is eating the beans.

Finally, the mathematician’s door is opened: the paper is full of calculations, but the mathematician is nowhere to be seen. The psychologist opens the tin, and out crawls the mathematician.

‘What happened?’ asks the psychologist.

‘I must have a sign wrong.’

—

Mathematician, physicist and engineer are on a train in Scotland, when they spot a black sheep in the field.

“All the sheep in Scotland are black” says the engineer.

“Actually, we can only say that some of the sheep in Scotland are black” says the physicist. To which the mathematician responds,

“You are both wrong, we can only say that there is one sheep in Scotland, and that half of it is black.”

A similar (but different) version:

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are stranded on a desert island with only a can of food. The physicist immediately begins lighting a fire to heat the contents and explode the can. The engineer sets about gathering materials to construct an opener. The mathematician sits down and begins “assume a can opener …”

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, with the appropriate scaffolding

Q. What’s green and commutes?

A. An Abelian grape.

@machdisk

The second engineer then says, “Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

After the Flood, God commanded his creatures to go forth and multiply. The next day, a pair of adders came up and shamefully admitted to Noah that they are adders, and thus can’t multiply.

So, Noah felled a tree, split it into planks, and assembled a sturdy table. He commanded the adders to multiply, but they were only confused at how this changed things.

Noah then patiently explained that “even adders can multiply using a log table.”

Q: Why don’t molecular biologists wear tennis shoes?

A: Because Invitrogen doesn’t give them away for free.

touche, sir

An Eta meson walks into a bar, and the bartender says “We don’t normally serve your type here, but I’ll just ignore your strange quarks.”

Ba-doom-tisssssh.

AND THAT IS A TASTELESS JOKE!!! :D

Ka-ba-da-boom-tishhhhhhh.

Q: What’s purple and commutes?

A: An Abelian grape.

From the Engineer’s Drinking Song:

Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride

To show the English peasantry her fair and pure white hide.

Of all of those who looked at her, the engineer of course

Was the only one who noticed that Godiva rode a horse.

An electrical engineer, a physicist, and a civil engineer are arguing about the nature of God.

The physicist says, “Look at the intricate nature of bones and muscles. The grace of a dancer. The agility of a weaver. God must surely be a physicist.

The electrical engineer scoffs and insists that God must be an EE.

“That is all controlled by the brain, the heart of what it means to be human, surely neurons and synapses and impulses are the work of an electrical engineer”

The civil engineer shakes his head and says, “Nope…God must be a civil engineer. Who else would run the body’s main sewer line right through the primary recreational area?”

Bah.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Only two… but how do they get inside?

Two cats on a sloped roof.

Which one slides off first?

The one with a smaller Î¼

So glad to tell this joke without qualifying it with a definition for once

Geneticist joke:

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

I’d have to say #9 above works better as:

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

A: Pull down it’s genes.

Groucho Marx said Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana

There are only 10 kinds of people, those that understand binary math, and those that don’t.

There are only two types of people… those who classify people as conforming to two types, and those who don’t.

“There are two kinds of people : those who think there are two kinds of people and those who are smart enough to know better.”

Tom Robbins

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand trinary, those who don’t, and those who confuse it with binary.

A civil engineer, electrical engineer, and mechanical engineer are arguing about God designing the human body.

The mechanical engineer says, “God must be a mechanical engineer because look at how the skeletal structure, muscles, and connective tissue work so well together.”

The electrical engineer says, “God must be an electrical engineer because look at how complex and powerful the nervous system is.”

The civil engineer says, “God must be a civil engineer, because who else would put a recreational area next to a waste disposal facility.”

Q. What did the string theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

A. “But honey, I can explain everything!”

A geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist are summoned by a millionaire horse enthusiast. He offers $1 million to the person who can devise a sure-fire method for choosing a winning horse.

Six months later, the scientists return. The geneticist reports “I tried everything, but there are too many environmental factors. I can’t predict which horse will win.”

The physiologist says “I tried everything, but there are too many genetic factors. I can’t predict which horse will win.”

“Oh dear,” the millionaire says. “And what about you?” he asks the physicist.

“Simple. Took me a week,” the physicist says, passing over a single sheet of paper with a brief equation typed on it.

“Wonderful! You win the million dollars!”

“Of course, it only works for spherically symmetrical horses travelling in a vacuum.”

There’s a slight modification of that joke, also involving a physicist who comes up with the answer, but the punchline is “spherical chickens in a vacuum.” I believe the dilemma posed is a farmer trying to get various engineers/scientists to save his chickens from being eaten by foxes.

I had heard it as a milk production study with a punchline: “consider the spherical cow in a vacuum…”

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are in heaven and quite bored, so they decide to play a game of hide-and-seek. Einstein is “it”, so starts counting. Pascal runs off to hide, while Newton just moves a few meters away from Einstein, takes a piece of chalk out of his pocket, and draws a 1m x 1m square on the ground around his feet.

Einstein finishes counting and opens his eyes to see Newton standing right in front of him. Confused, he tells Newton that he’s out and asks Newton if he understands the rules of the game.

Newton calmly replies, “I’m not out. Pascal is out.”

Explanation: the Newton is the SI unit for Force. The Pascal is the SI unit for pressure, defined as force divided by area. 1 Pascal is 1 Newton (of Force) / 1 square meter.

How do you know when you’re talking to an extroverted engineer?

He looks at your shoes when he’s talking to you.

What’s the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

(Commonly attributed to Mark Twain):

“There are three types of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics”

rock on. #5 and #34 win.

Here’s mine (actually stolen from and older bb post):

Yo’ mama so fat, the ratio of her circumference to her diameter is 4!

(ooohhhh…..)

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

I get infinitely close to doing my calculus homework but never quite reach it.

Q: Why did the scientist install the knocker on his front door?

A: To win the no-bell prize.

What’s a geologist’s favorite pick-up line? “Baby you must be a clay particle ’cause you so fine.”

This is my favorite. I had to wait years for my kids to take calculus so I could tell it to them.

Two math professors are arguing in a cafe about the education level of the average person. One insists that the average person has little grasp of mathematics beyond arithmetic. The other asserts that the average person knows at least rudimentary calculus. They pass their lunch in fruitless debate.

Finally, the first professor goes to the bathroom. The second professor waves the waitress over. â€œI am having a bit of a debate with my friend here. When he returns, Iâ€™ll ask you a question. If you answer with the exact phrase â€˜one third x cubedâ€™, Iâ€™ll leave a ten dollar tip.â€

â€œTen bucks? You bet,â€ says the waitress.

The first professor returns. The second professor announces, â€œHere, Iâ€™ll prove it to you.â€ He turns to the waitress and asks, â€œWhat is the integral of x squared?â€

â€œOne third x cubed,â€ replies the waitress. They both laugh and the second professor leaves the $10 tip.

As theyâ€™re leaving, the waitress mutters, â€œâ€¦plus a constant.â€

THE SEX LIFE OF THE ELECTRON

by D.C. Current

One night when his charge was high, Micro-Farad decided to find a cute little coil to let him discharge.

He picked up Millie-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine waves and stopped in the magnetic field by a flowing current.

Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amps characteristic curves, soon

had her fully charged and excited her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance.

He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket

connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her

shunt. Fully excited, Millie-Amp shouted, “Mho! Mho! Mho!”

With his tube operating at maximum power and her field vibrating with his current flow, caused her shunt to overheat and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets,

until his magnet dipole lost all of it’s field strength.

Afterward, Millie-Amp tried self induction and damaged her

solenoid. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.

The moral of the story: When the flux is flowing, don’t forget your webers.

What’s sin(x)/n ? Six. Just cancel the n’s.

That reminds me of “How to make ethyl palpitate”…of which unfortunately I can’t remember any details other than the title.

Three macho-wannabe [disclaimer!] statisticians go on a duck hunt. After a long day of huddling behind a thicket in the marsh, they finally spot a duck flying directly towards them.

The first statistician raises his shotgun and fires, but he aims too high and the bullet passes one foot over the duck.

The second statistician raises his shotgun and fires, but he aims too low and the bullet passes one foot under the duck.

As the unharmed duck flies away, the third statistician stands up and jubilantly declares, “Guys! We hit it!”

The best Physicist Mathematician Engineer joke I have heard goes like this: a Physicist, a Mathematician and an Engineer are all staying at a hotel. A fire breaks out outside the physicist’s room in the middle of the night. The physicist looks at the fire, calculates the optimal angle and force at which to throw an optimal amount of water and proceeds to do so, putting the fire out. He then goes back to bed. A fire then breaks out outside the engineers room. He gets up, estimates the amount of water needed then adds a safety margin of 50% and throws the water on the fire. Satisfied he goes back to bed. Next a fire breaks out outside the mathematician’s room. He gets up looks at the fire, looks at the water tap in his room,says,”A solution exists,” and goes back to bed.

A cop pulled me over and said “do you realize you just ran a red light?” I said, “It wasn’t my fault, I was going so fast that the light was blue-shifted and appeared green.” So he wrote me a speeding ticket.

Integration by Parts

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never, ever enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, she ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approach her surface, and she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, became unstable, lost all sense of directrix, tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. She was completely divergent by the time she reached the turning point. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted apparently alone in a non-euclidean space. She was being watched, however.

The smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his lower series extended. She could see at once his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, and knew he was irrational. “Arcsinh!” she gasped.

“Hey, what’s your sign?” he asked. “What a symmetric set of asymptotes you have!” “Stay away from me!” she protested. “I haven’t got any brackets on!” “Calm yourself, my dear!” said the smooth operator. “Your fears are purely imaginary.” “i,i,â€¦” she thought, “Perhaps he’s not normal, but homologous.” “What order are you?” the brute suddenly demanded. “Seventeen,” replied Polly. Curly leered, “I suppose you’ve never been operated upon?” “Of course not.”

“I’m absolutely convergent!” Polly replied quite properly. “Come on.” Said curly: “Let’s go to a decimal place I know of and I’ll take you to the limit.” “Never!” gasped Polly. “Abscissa!” he swore a violent oath. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities.

He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly Nomial. She had no escape algorithm. She felt him approaching her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone for ever. There was no mercy; Curly was a heavy side operator.

His radius squared itself and Polly’s loci quiverd. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. Ager he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. He even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went of operating until he satisfied his hypotheses, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly’s denominator increased monotonically. Finally they took her to L’Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drive Polly to deviation.

The moral of this tale is: “If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow a single degree of freedom.”

From ‘Gravity’s Rainbow,’ or as I remember it:

There once was a fellow named Thrope

who made love to an oscilloscope

the cyclical trace

of their carnal embrace

made a damned near infinite slope.

An oldie but I hadn’t seen it posted yet:

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None! That’s a hardware problem.

A mathematician is showing a colleague his new proof. The colleague, says “wait, I’m not sure about that step there.” The mathematician says “that?, oh that’s trivial”. The colleague goes away and tries to work out the step in question for himself. After a full week of struggling to understand it, he finally satisfies himself of its validity. He goes back to the first mathematician and says “yes, its trivial”.

Your mama is so stupid she can’t spell pH.

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.

Unfortunately Einstein starts by counting up to 100 and then starts searching…

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein’s counting 1,2,3……97, 98,99, 100. He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front of him!

Einstein says “newton’s out..newton’s out”

Newton denies and says “I am not out, after-all I am not Newton”

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says “I am standing in a square of area 1m squared that makes me Newton per meter squared”

since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I’m Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT!

There once was a fellow named fisk

whose fencing was exceedingly brisk

so fast was his action

the fitzgerald contraction

reduced his rapier to a disk

I know a slightly different version involving a molecular biologist, but this one I googled up will do:

A mathematical biologist was out walking in the countryside and met a shepherd with a large flock of sheep. He says to the shepherd

“If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in this field will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks surprised but agrees. The mathematician looks around and by applying some clever methodology says

“273.”

“That’s exactly right” says the astonished shepherd “choose which ever you like.”

The mathematician chooses his prize and picks it up. The shepherd then says

“If I can say exactly what you do for a living, will you give me the animal back?”

They agree on the bet and the shepherd says “mathematical biologist”

“How ever did you know that?” replies the dumbfounded academic.

“Well, you obviously had some clever method for counting sheep so I thought you were some kind of mathematician. But what really clinched it was when you picked up my sheep dog”.

A group of astronomers and physicists go on a retreat. When they get on the train the physicists notice the astronomers only have one train ticket. “You only have one ticket,” the physicists complain, “you are going to be thrown off.” The astronomers scoff, and sure enough, when the conductor comes, all the astronomers go to the bathroom. The conductor knocks on the door and the astronomers slip their ticket underneath.

On the way back, the physicists are grinning with their one ticket in hand, but the astronomers have none. “You are surely going to get caught without a ticket!” A physicists complain. Moments later the astronomers see the conductor coming and run to one bathroom, the physicists into another. “Ticket please.” The physicists put their ticket under the door, an astronomer takes it and gets back into the bathroom.

Two photons walk into a black hole….

Shroedinger said of a cat

it’s alive or it’s dead and that’s that

But Heisenberg said it’s alive AND it’s dead

And its state can be seen as a stat.

Bit of a meta joke, if you laugh at the following sentence you are a techie:

“Caveman EE’s used ‘scopes to debug fire.”

A lonely frog went to a psychic to find out about his future. The psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you”.

The frog is thrilled and says “This is great! Where will I meet her: at work, at a party?”

“No,” says the psychic, “in a biology class.”

And one I’d almost forgotten. My dad’s engineering professor told this joke in class and Dad told it to me when I took the first physics class dealing with electricity. The professor said “A watt is the rate at which I tell jokes: one joule per second.”

From a “Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal” carton:

Child saying his prayers: “God, why is there suffering in the world?”

God: “On day one of creating the universe I forgot a minus sign — it all sorta’ trickles down from there… Good Luck.”

Again, somewhat outside the set category, but:

A guy rushes into his doctor’s office late one evening and says “Doc, you gotta help me, I think I’m a moth”.

The doctor says “Well I’d love to help but I’m a GP, you should really see a psychiatrist.”

Guy says “Yeah, I know but I was driving by and I saw your light was on.”

A neutrino walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a whiskey?”

The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

You mean neutron.

The neutrino was just passing through.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 0.99999…

Old microbiologists never die. They just go out to Pasteur.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one; she hands the bulb to three Polish people, reducing the problem to an already-solved one.

Q: How many molecules are in a guacamole?

A: Avacadro’s Number!

You’re either part of the solution, or

you’re part of the precipitate.

Riddle: You are approaching a fork in the road. You have been told that one branch leads to the city of truth and the other branch leads to the city of lies. A person is stationed at the fork in the road. You can ask him ONE simple (non-compound) question to help you determine the correct path to take to the city of truth. If the person is from the city of truth he will answer your question truthfully and if he is from the city of lies he will give a false answer.

What question do you ask?

Answer in subsequent post.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s new?

A: c over lambda!

************

Q: What did the mathematician say as epsilon approached 0?

A: “There goes the neighborhood!”

A priest, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf, and quickly become frustrated with the slow pace of the group ahead of them.

The groundskeeper tells them that it’s a group of blind golfers ahead, whom the club welcomes once a month as a charity.

The priest announces he will have his congregation pray for the blind golfers the next Sunday.

The doctor says he will invite them to his clinic to see if they can be cured.

The engineer grumbles, “why can’t they just play at night?”

Is it sad that I read halfway through that spam comment before I realized it wasn’t a joke?

Cosmologist pickup line from Sacha Baron Cohen…

Can I supernova in your black hole?

A scientist a biologist and a mathematician decide to comment on a boingboing thread, and being clever and through, they read other people’s comments before posting to avoid the same joke appearing multiple times.

Preface this by saying “This is an Existential knock-knock joke”

“Say knock knock”

Knock knock.

(wait)

Who’s there?

I mean, really, who’s there?

Johnny was a chemist,

but Johnny is no more.

For what he thought was H2>O

was H2SO4

A business man gets picked up in a helicopter at the Seattle airport. Unfortunately they get lost in dense fog and rain and fly way off course. Finally a building appears out of the haze, a worker peers out the window at them. In desperation the pilot holds up a sign… “Where are we?”

The man in the building holds up a sign…

“You are in a helicopter.”

The helicopter pilot nods and then flies them easily to their destination.

“That’s amazing” says his passenger, “how’d you do that?”

The pilot replies

“When I saw their answer I knew we were at Microsoft and I know how to get to Seattle from there.”

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might have designed the human body.

The first one said, “It must have been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff – a mechanical engineer must have designed all that.”

The second one said, “No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer.”

Then the third one said, “No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through the recreational area?”

Why did the tachyon cross the road?

Because it was on the other side.

A chemist, biologist, and physicist visit the sea for the first time.

The physicist is fascinated by the surf, and runs out to measure the waves. He does not return.

The biologist exclaims his excitement to catalogue the sea creatures – he runs out in to the water, but does not return.

The chemist, however, simply pulls out his notebook and writes: “it appears that both the physicist and the biologist are soluble in seawater.”

A wife asked her husband, an engineer, to go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. “And if they have fresh eggs” she added, “buy a dozen.”

The man came back with a dozen loaves of bread. When woman asked why, he replied, “They had fresh eggs.”

From http://nukees.com/d/20040628.html:

Gav: Hey Danny, did you know the ion accelerator at CERN is so big, it crosses international borders? Heh heh, they’re gonna need a lot of tiny little passports…

Danny: Is it a linear or a circular accelerator?

Gav: What? Circular.

Danny: Yes, that makes sense.

Gav: Why’s that?

Danny: Well, of course, Switzerland must remain neutral.

Q: How many German engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None if it is manufactured correctly.

Am I the only one that found it demoralizing to read all of those repeats? So many!

For now on I’m always going to read through the thread before posting!

Yes, it is just you. For everyone else, it is no big deal.

All of my science jokes have already been presented, so here’s a (kinda) linguistics joke:

An Aztec Jaguar Warrior walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Nahuatl it be tonight?”

From Mr. Sam “Sam the Calculus Man” Chancellor, Magruder High School, 1983:

“If dy/dx is too great, then there will be a fatality.”

there are 3 types of mathematicians – those who can count and those who cannot

Zuni archaeologist to anglo archaeologist.

Why are kivas round?

so the cat won’t piss in the corner.

Question for engineers: What is 2+2?

Answer: 5. That is, for very large values of 2.

The correct version of this joke (it’s a CS joke originally) is

2+2=5, for *sufficiently* large values of 2.

the way I heard that joke…

What is 2+2?

Software developer – 5, for large values of 2

Intel chip designer – 4.999999999999999

Engineer – well, 4, but we’ll say 6 to be sure

Lawyer – What do you want it to be?

A friend of mine, when he’s standing around with his hands in his pockets while watching someone else work, says he’s wearing his Boeing engineer’s gloves.

A Mathematician, 2 Engineers and 3 Scientists are out for a walk when they come to a deep chasm which might be jumpable.

The Mathematician instantly sits down and starts doing math. He eventually calculates that it is impossible to make the jump, so he turns around and starts walking home.

The first Engineer, knowing that while something is theoretically impossible, it can still end up working in the real world, tries the jump and falls to his death.

The second Engineer, learning from the first’s mistake, turns around and runs to catch up with the Mathematician.

The three Scientists look at each other and jump, because any experimental result must be repeatable before it can be accepted.

A scientist decides to measure the contribution of each frog’s legs to the length of its jump, so as a control he puts the frog down, and yells “Jump, frog!” in its ear. The frog jumps 6 feet, and the scientist records in his notebook “four legs – 6 feet.”

Next, he removes the frog’s front legs and yells again. The frog is unhappy, but manages to jump. The scientist measures the distance and dutifully records “two legs – two feet”

Last, he cut off the frog’s back legs and yells “Jump!” in its ear yet again. The frog, obviously in terrible shape, manages to fall over. The scientist opens his notebook and writes “zero legs – frog is deaf.”

If he’s measuring the frog’s jumps in feet, he must be an engineer.

Didya hear about the geneticist who gave birth to twins? She decided to name one “Matthew” and the other “Control”.

The Chicago School reference reminded me of this one, and economics is the dismal science:

Out for a walk with his friend the Chicago School economist, a guy says, “Look, there’s a ten dollar bill on the ground!” “Of course not,” says the economist, “if there was someone would have picked it up by now.”

One of my favourites:

Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?

Just cos.

And one that’s WAY more obscure (and stupid)

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and Blaise Pascal are sitting around in heaven, bored. Pascal says “Hey, I know! Let’s play hide-and-seek!”

They all agree. So Einstein covers his eyes and counts; when he gets to 50 he opens his eyes. Pascal has gone, but there’s Newton, standing RIGHT in front of him â€” he hasn’t even TRIED to hide. Einstein is, of course, completely confused.

Newton just grins, and points at the ground. He’s drawn a perfect square, exactly 1m a side, in chalk, and is standing smack in the middle of it.

Triumphantly he yells “I win!”

This one is for anyone who has ever done analysis (the branch of mathematics):

Let epsilon be less than zero.

Since engineer jokes are apparently fair game…

A Mechanical Engineer, Civil Engineer, and Software Engineer are driving down a twisty mountain road when the brakes fail.

Using every available bit of pavement, guardrail, and luck, they make it to the bottom of the hill alive, and get out of the car to assess the situation.

“I can’t believe it,” says the Mechanical Engineer. “I’m going to tear down the car and analyze the brake failure.”

“Don’t bother,” says the Civil Engineer. “The problem is with the road. It’s banked incorrectly and the guardrails are in the wrong places. We should have been able to coast down the hill safely.”

The Software Engineer thinks for a moment, looks at the other two and says “Let’s go back to the top of the hill and see if it does it again.”

And a Microsoft Certified Software Engineer would suggest closing the windows, shutting it down and starting it up… and there would be no problem!

I went to a Mobius strip club but the girls never got their clothes off.

And they served the beer in Klein bottles.

A physics professor had a cannon he used for demonstrations. After each demonstration, the professor’s tall, thin teaching assistant would clean the cannon by crawling inside of it. One day, the teaching assistant told the professor he had a new job and would be leaving soon. The professor cried “But where will I find another person of your caliber?”

After the flood, Noah told all the animals he rescued to go forth and multiply. One year later, all of the animals had prospered except the snakes. Noah was baffled. He couldn’t figure out what went wrong.

His son said, “I know what to do!”

He grabbed an axe and chopped down a tree. From the wood, he made a table and put the snakes on it. Suddenly, the snakes began laying eggs. Noah was amazed.

“I don’t understand. What just happened?”

His son replied, “Adders only multiply on log tables.”

How do you integrate a cow?

First assume the cow is a sphere.

How do you integrate a chicken?

First assume the chicken is a sphere.

How do you integrate a woman?

*Covers crotch* For the love of God! DON’T assume the woman is a sphere!

A caveboy walks to school every day, with his friend Johnny from Hamilton joining him along the way. One day, his caveman parents find out and tell him to never walk with Johnny again. When he asks why, they yell “Don’t you know that if you commute with the Hamiltonian you’ll never evolve?!”

Answer to riddle: You are approaching a fork in the road. You have been told that one branch leads to the city of truth and the other branch leads to the city of lies. A person is stationed at the fork in the road. You can ask him ONE simple (non-compound) question to help you determine the correct path to take to the city of truth. If the person is from the city of truth he will answer your question truthfully and if he is from the city of lies he will give a false answer.

What question do you ask?

..

..

..

Which road leads to the city that you are from?

My dad went to Caltech. He had a (small) book full of cheers used at football games (when they still had a team). Here’s a favorite:

Secant, cosine, tangent, sine

Logarithm, logarithm,

Hyperbolic sine

3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Slipstick, sliderule

TECH, TECH, TECH.

And here’s the first-down cheer:

Punt, punt, punt,

Punt, punt, punt,

PUNT, PUNT, PUNT.

You throw a brown bear, a white bear, and a black bear into the ocean. Which one dissolves first?

The white bear, because it’s polar!

There once was a lady named Bright

Who traveled much faster than light

She went out one day

In a relative way

And came back the previous night

A mosquito cried out in pain:

“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”

The cause of his sorrow

was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

– – – – –

There was a young physicist, Fiske

Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk

So fast was his action

The Lorentz contraction

Foreshortened his rod to a disk

– – – – –

Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium with their surroundings.

Bank teller to calculus professor:

Sorry, but we don’t handle small change.

A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist go duck hunting. Each one wants to prove the have the smartest hound. So, math guy whispers in his girl’s PiPi’s ears. The dog runs off and comes back 20 minutes later with six ducks that she arranged in a hexagon in front of them. Engineering guy laughs and gives instructions in Fortran to his bitch Iterate, who promptly gathers logs and clay, builds a Dutch oven over the birds, and starts the fire by wagging her tail covered, which she has covered in oak bark over kindling she make by chewing. The engineer is dejected and they all watch the birds cook. The Engineer says “So, you give up, theory boy? The physicist just shakes his head like he’s been talking to a retard, and says in plain English to his popinter: “Tycho, you know what to do- go do it boy!”. So Tycho wolfs down all 6 ducks and screws the other two dogs.

#181: Second possible answer: “Did you know they’re serving free beer in the city of truth?” The truth-teller will say, “No!” and run to get a beer; the liar will say “Yes!” and run to get a beer; you just follow his lead.

I’ve just got this:

((12+144+20+3*4^0.5)/7)+(5*11)=9^2+0

GET IT?!

…Well, it’s not a joke exactly, more of a limerick:

A dozen, a gross, and a score,

Plus three times the square root of four,

All divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more.

#181 – Third possible answer. Ask one of them, “What road will the other guy say leads to the city of truth?”

Then take the opposite.

re: #188 cute, but for limerick #2, please google “Terrel effect”. No go on the math here, partner.

From my collection of one-liners:

Yo’ mama so fat, she got smaller fat women orbitin’ around her.

My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.

Steal the “orbiting” joke from Al Bundy?

What?!

Photons have mass??!!

I didn’t even know they were catholics!!!

A mathematician, a physist and an engineer are each locked in a room by psychologists with nothing but a tins of baked beans and a couple of pencils.

After a week they open up the doors to find out what has happened.

The Engineer is covered in beans as is his room which also has a large number of dents in the wall but he is well and happy.

They open the physicists door to find some calculations on the walls and a single precise dent and a rather sharp pencil wedge in it. He is also quite happy if a bit bored of beans.

They open the mathematicians door to find a dead mathematician and walls covered in increasingly frantic calculations. They are baffled and examine the frantic scribbling on the walls. After a while they find the place where he had started work. In big clear letters it says;

FIRST WE ASSUME THE TIN IS OPEN.

A feminist behavioral psychologist, who is trying to prove female monkeys are smarter than male ones, turns red with rage when her male subjects jack off at her. She has set up 5 identical rooms, each with a banana hanging from the ceiling and enough tinker-toy-like scaffolding for the critter to reach the fruit once assembled. Sh put the first female in her room-after 6 hours the monkey figures it out and eats. The second monkey never gets the idea, so after 12 hours they abort that part of the trial. The third female monkey solves it in 5 hours, the fourth in 8 hours. Two minutes after they put the guy in the room, he climbs up on the door knob and jacks off onto the glass plate that the psychologist is watching him through. She curses and runs into the room to punish him. He instantly jumps on her head and grabs and eats the banana.

I once went to a party and asked a statistician for her phone number. She gave me an estimate.

This is not really a joke but an anecdote, a pretty good one I think. George Gamow told the story of the Nobel prize winning physicist Perrin who checked a suitcase with a running large aviation gyroscope at a Paris railway station just to see what would happen(before commercial plane travel… hmmmm… ideas anyone???). When the redcap tried to rotate it, it’s angular momentum strongly resisted the turn, twisting the guy’s wrist. Supposedly he ran off screaming that the Devil was inside the suitcase!

An engineer dies and shows up at the Pearly Gates- but St. Peter’s on vacation, and the trainee angel on duty sends him to the other place instead. He doesn’t like it very much there- the place stinks, you have to walk up hundreds of flights of stairs to get anywhere, and it’s as hot as, well, Heck. So he finds some materials, gets a work crew of demons together, and installs air conditioning, escalators and flush toilets.

A few weeks later, God phones up Satan to gloat and asks how things are going down there.

“Oh, it’s excellent. We have air conditioning, escalators, flush toilets, and we’ve almost finished the swimming pool. It’s really improved since we got that engineer.”

God responds in a voice like a hundred thunderstorms:

“WHAT? WHO SENT YOU AN ENGINEER? GIVE HIM BACK RIGHT NOW!”

“No thanks, I like this guy. I think I’ll keep him.”

“GIVE HIM BACK OR I”LL SUE!”

“Oh! You’ll sue, will you? And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

What’s the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

|Physicist – Engineer|

Two brothers buy a cattle ranch in the West.

They don’t know what to name it so they telephone their Mom.

She says to call it Focus.

They ask why?

Because, she says, Focus is where the sons raise meat.

not technically a science joke but applicable to loads of scientific fields where you handle complicated, dangerous and pricey experiments:

Observer: You do this without your boss?

You: Well, my Boss and condoms have a lot in common: WITH it is a lot safer, WITHOUT its more fun!

How do laser physicists make love?

First they place a rod into a cavity

Then they pump it into an excited state

Resulting in a stimulated emission.

Damn — I actually made that joke up a couple years ago. Never remembered to copyright it :-(

Q. What happened when they ordered too much food at Defcon?

A. The Buffet Overflowed.

A biochemist walks into a pub in England and says, “I’ll have a pint of adenosine triphosphate please”.

“Certainly,” says the landlord, “that’ll be 80p.”

Did you hear about the Nobel Prize-winning scarecrow?

He was outstanding in his field.

What do you get if you cross two mountaineers?

You can’t, they’re both scalers.

I’m cracking up while I write this…

It was autumn, and the Native Americans on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the Chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later; as a practical afterthought, he called the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The Chief advise his tribe to collect even more wood.

A couple of weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

“Does it still look like a cold winter?”

“It sure does,” replied the meteorologist. “It’s looks like a very cold winter.”

The Chief advised his tribe to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Again, a couple of weeks later, he called the National Weather Service and asked how the winter was looking at that point.

The meteorologist said, “We’re now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!”

“Really?” said the Chief. “How can you be so sure?”

The meteorologist replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

When a psychologist was asked to explain the difference between erotic and kinky, he said “Erotic is when you caress your partner with a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken!”

Q: What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

A: You can’t hear an enzyme.

Loosely geeky.

An Engineering officer, a Marine officer and a Paratroop officer are arguing about who is the toughest.

The marine says “Obviously a marine, just watch: “Johnson! Run Up that hill and give me 100 press ups!”.

“Yes Sir” and off Johnson goes.

“That’s how tough we are” says the Marine.

“That’s nothing”, says the Paratrooper. “Watch this. Smith! Run up that hill, do 200 press ups and come back carrying Johnson!”.

“Yes Sir” shouts Smith and off he goes.

“Now that’s tough!”, says the Para.

“Pah…watch this”. “Hey, Engineer Bloggs! Run up that hill!”

“Kiss my A*se” Bloggs replies.

“See, now that’s tough!”

Did you hear about the graph that was elected mayor?

It was well connected.

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says: “We donÂ´t serve noble gases”. Helium doesnÂ´t react

What’s purple and commutes?

An Abelian grape!

I didn’t see this one yet.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given $50 to measure the height of a building.

The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building.

The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building.

The engineer gives the doorman a $10 tip for providing the height of the building and heads to the bar with the remaining $40.

What does an engineer use for birth control?

Whatever’s handy.

________

Optimist: half full.

Pessimist: half empty.

Writer: room for more gin!

________

A grad student wheels a cart full of groceries into the express lane of a Boston grocery store. The cashier says, “So, are you from Harvard and can’t count, or from MIT and can’t read?”

So many jokes and still not my favourite:

Q: Why did the mathematician call her dog Cauchy?

A: Because it left a residue at every pole.

A sign I saw at a lab I toured:

“Do not look at LASER with remaining eye.”

A physicist, a statistician and an engineer are driving down a steep, winding mountain road.

The car begins to speed up, and the physicist applies the brakes, only to find they are not responding. “Brakes are not working!” he exclaims, “I need to find another source of friction!”. He guides the car to the guardrail and scrapes the car against it, finally bringing it to a stop. He places the car in park and they all get out, relieved.

The statistician remarks “Good work, the kind of accident you avoided results in fatality 90% of the time”.

The engineer looks under the car and sees a loose hose and connects it to where it appears to belong. “Hey, I think I found the problem. Let’s try it again!”

A psychoanalyst walks into a bar and says, “I am self aware enough to recognize that I am in a joke, and as such I will participate in triggering ‘humor’, that is, the psychic process that operates in the field of the preconscious, based on the dynamic interrelation between the agencies of the mind, and akin to a defense mechanism, consisting of an unexpected re-evaluation of the demands of reality that reverses their painful emotional tone and thereby offers to the triumphant ego that yield of pleasure which enables it to demonstrate its invulnerable narcissism.”

“Don’t kid yourself”, says the bartender.

What is the difference between an aeronautical engineer and a civil engineer?

Aeronautical engineers design the weapons, civil engineers design the targets.

(Real) bumper sticker seen in Cambridge, Mass:

“Reunite Gondwanaland!”

Another pickup line:

If I were an enzyme I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

An ELF magnetic wave walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, “Why the long phase?”

After the Flood, Noah is going around and checking on all the animals, making sure they’re being fruitful and multiplying.

Everyone is multiplying like, well, animals, except the snakes.

“What’s wrong?” asks Noah.

“Just cut down some trees for us,” say the snakes.

Noah does, not asking why (this is a guy who built an ark to carry two of every animal after all).

A few weeks later he comes back and there are baby snakes everywhere.

“What happened?” asks Noah.

“We’re adders,” say the snakes, “and we need logs to multiply.”

Why did the Athenians win the battle of Marathon?

Because Ionians always carry a charge.

Question: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: None — it is left as an exercise for the reader.

A cartographer working in the field looks up from his work and observes a sleeping bear some distance due north of him. Being not overly concerned with a sleeping bear, he continues with his work. A short while later, finding himself a 50 yards or so east of his prior position, the cartographer once again looks due north and sees the same bear in the same position.

What color is the bear?

white. It is a polar bear, sitting on the North Pole. The cartographer can move any distance east or west and still be the same distance from the animal.

How’d I do? :D

What’s the definition of a Hasidic Jew?

One with a pH less than 7.

A priest, an architect and an engineer are playing a round of golf. They come behind the slowest foursome ever in the history of the game and after two holes the architect walks up to the greensman to find out what’s the problem. He comes back to the group and says:

“It’s the local fire department and they let play for free every month. They injured themselves blind while trying to put out a fire in the clubhouse.”

The three of them stand silent for a moment for their hubris.

Finally the priest says: “I’ll say an extra prayer for them in my sermon this week and take up a special collection.”

The architect says: “You know, I’ll get my firm to build them a special equipped locker room in the club.”

The engineer waits a moment and replies: “Why the HELL don’t they just let them play at night?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now, please extend a big boingy welcome to our very own kaibeezy, with some ***original*** one-liners, right here, right now!

. . . thank you very much…

. . . why did the hybridization genetecist cross the road?

. . . ba dum bum

. . . thank you, thank you, you’re too kind…

. . . whereas the topology professor says: turn the glass inside out so it’s half full on the outside!

. . . thank you so much…

. . . i’m here all week, and please be sure to buy one of my [ ~ FUCK YEAH, I’M AN ELITIST! ~ ] bumper stickers from gina at the back there, wave gina, there she is, b’bye

alrighty, big round of applause for k, and remember you heard those great jokes here first folks, so give credit where credit’s due, and drive safely

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two fermions walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What are you having?”. The first fermion says, “I’d like a gin and tonic, please!”. The second one says, “Hey, that’s what I wanted!”

OK, still didn’t see this or an analog.

Guy sitting at a bar leans to his neighbor and asks “wanna hear a joke about mathematicians?”

His neighbor, a big man responds: “Before you continue, I’ll have you know I am a mathematician and a black belt in karate. My friend there is a mathematician who moonlights as a professional wrestler and our other buddy over there is a mathematician and ex-Special Forces. Do you still want to tell your joke?”

The jokester turns away muttering: “Nope. I don’t feel like explaining it three times.”

Why do transformers hum?

Because they don’t know the words!!!!

Two linguists are walking down the street. Which one is the expert in contextually indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution?

The other one.

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer are asked to measure the height of a building, as accurately as possible, using only a barometer.

The physicist goes to the bottom and top of the building. Measures the atmospheric pressure difference and uses that to get a (very poor) measure of the building’s height.

The mathematician takes the barometer to the top of the building and thows it off. He counts how long it takes to hit the ground an uses that to calculate the height of the building.

the engineer goes to the basement of the building and finds the building engineer. He says to him “If you’ll tell me the height of this building I’ll give you this fine barometer…”

My cousin told me that joke in 1963.

An engineering student is on her way to class when she nearly trips over a frog.

“Wait!” says the frog, “Don’t leave! I’m an enchanted prince, and if you kiss me, I will make you my bride!”

So the engineering student picks up the frog, shoves him into her backpack, and hurries on her way.

“Um,” says the frog, a while later, “Didn’t you hear what I said, about being an enchanted prince?”

“Yeah,” says the engineering student. “Listen, I’m an engineering student–I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Q: How do astronomers have babies?

A: Lots of parsecs.

Q: What’s non-orientable and lives in the ocean?

A: Mobius Dick.

PROOF THAT ALL HORSES ARE WHITE:

Assume a single white horse in a room. All horses in the room are white, so the proof holds for n=1. Assume k white horses, and consider the case of k+1 horses. If we remove any one horse, we are left with k horses, which, by hypothesis, are all the same color. Since we removed an arbitrary horse, all k+1 horses are white.

PROOF THAT HORSES HAVE AN INFINITE NUMBER OF LEGS:

Horses have four legs. In the back, they have two legs, and in the front, they have forelegs. That makes six legs total. Six legs is an odd number of legs for a horse to have. But six is an even number! The only number that is odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

PROOF THAT ALEXANDER THE GREAT DID NOT EXIST, AND ALSO THAT HE HAD AN INFINITE NUMBER OF ARMS:

Alexander the Great rode into battle on a large black horse, which cannot exist per proof 1 above. Therefore, Alexander the Great did not exist.

Alexander the Great said that “Forewarned is forearmed”. Four arms is an odd number of arms for a person to have, but four is an even number. The only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.

Here’s a comic about why Schrodinger chose a cat:

http://www.notquitewrong.com/rosscottinc/2010/12/02/the-system-443-decisions/

A chemist, a physicist, and a computer scientist are all in a car when it breaks down. They each try to fix the car.

The chemist tries changing the fuel/air mixture in the engine to no avail.

The physicist applies grease to the gears to reduce the friction, but this doesn’t work either.

The computer scientist turns off the car, gets out, shuts the door, immediately re-opens the door, gets back in, and the car starts!!

(The joke: to fix computer problems, the solution is often to just restart the computer.)

To fix problems with a computer running Windows, you have to reboot.

Try Ubuntu!

Hey Guys, long time BB fan, first time posting.

Couldn’t let this thread get away with out my favourite maths joke of all time,

Little Johnny is in class and is asked by his teacher to solve the following maths problem: 2 + 2 = ?

Johnny pauses for a moment, furrows his brow in thought and then confidently answers “Four!”

His teacher looks at him proudly and says “Well done Johnny, that’s pretty good!”

Johnny stares at the teacher, outraged. “What do you mean, pretty good? It’s f***ing perfect!”

There are 3 kinds of people in this world, those who can do math and those who can’t!

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: “There is one final piece of advice I’m going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course – never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!”

“Why?” the students ask.

“Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it.”

“And what happened?!”

“Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes…”

Optimist – The glass is half full.

Pessimist – The glass is half empty.

Engineer – The glass is twice a large as it needs to be.

Alcoholic- Depends on whether your drinking or pouring.

I believe in the heat death of the Universe.

I’m a Kelvinist.

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, “Damn, it’s great to be e^x. I’m real analytic everywhere. I’m my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck.”

Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.

“What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you look where you’re going?” demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3’s eyes and says “You look terrified!”

“I am!” says the panicky 3. “There’s a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I’ll be reduced to nothing! I’ve got to get away!” With that, 3 continues to dash off.

“Stupid constant,” thinks e^x. “I’ve got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I’ll still be there.”

So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. “Hi. I’m e^x.”

“Hi. I’m d/dy.”

This is similar to three that are already posted but not identical, so onward I forge.

A computer salesman, hardware engineer, and software engineer are driving back from a conference when their car gets a flat.

The salesman says “Well, that’s it. The car is broken. We need to buy a new one.”

The hardware engineer says “No, no, no. We can fix this, but first we have to isolate the problem. Let’s take the back wheels and put them on the front, and put the front wheels on the back, and see if that changes anything.”

The software engineer looks at them like they’re both nuts and says “You’re both nuts. All we have to do is turn the car off and turn it on again, and the problem will go away.”

The functions were at a party. All of a sudden the derivative (d/dx) knocks on the door. All the functions except for one ran and hid. It was e^x.

Q: Why don’t you ever see mathematicians at the beach?

A: They have sine and cosine, so they don’t need the sun to get tan!

A photon walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?”

The photon: “No thanks, I’m travelling light.”

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer can pull 10 times he normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Merry Christmas.

Q: What’s a chemists favorite pokemon?

A: HOOH

Okay, veterinary joke:

A radiologist, a surgeon and a pathologist go quail hunting. They’re behind a blind and they send the dog out to flush the birds.

The radiologist is so intent on getting the right exposure and proper angle that he never shoots, missing his opportunity entirely.

The surgeon pulls out a Gatling gun and drops several birds, some of them quail, some not. When the dog returns with the birds, he hands them to the pathologist and asks, “did I get the whole bird?”

Philosophy professor: “In 1884, Nietsche said, “God is dead.”

Theology professor: “In 1900, God said, “Nietsche is dead.”

what do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?

chicken turkey sin (theta)

Q. What video game series is the favorite of the Higgs Boson?

A. Mass Effect

Dear MATH,

I am not your therapist…

Solve your own damn problems!

For birth control, EE’s keep it in their shorts…

What characteristic can be used to easily identify an engineer from a biologist from a microbiologist?

A microbiologist washes his hands before going to the washroom.

A biologist washes his hands after going to the bathroom.

An engineer washes his hands before and after.

Pi and the Imaginary Number are talking. Pi says, “Get real.” Imaginary replies, “Be rational.”

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want”.

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked: “What is the matter ? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me ?”

The man said, “Look I’m a software engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

What’s up?

North cross west.

Another limerick:

I used to think math was no fun

‘Cause I couldn’t see how it was done

Now Euler’s my hero

And I see that 0

= e^(i)(pi) + 1

Sign seen an engineer’s office:

Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling a pig in the mud…

After three hours, you realize the pig likes it.

When f=0, resistance is futile.

A plane is travelling from Warsaw to England, when the pilot comes on the PA and says “On the right side of the plane, you can now see a clear view of the English Channel”. Everyone rushes over to look, and the sudden weight shift causes the plane to crash.

The more is too many Poles on the Right Half Plane make the system unstable.

so he leaves.

the bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here,”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Here’s a rather long science joke, the Interview With Schrodinger’s Cat:

http://www.thebigjewel.com/an-interview-with-schrodingers-cat/

Its sort of sciency:

A Surgeon, an Engineer, and a Lawyer are having an argument over which profession is the oldest.

The Surgeon says, “Well, on the seventh day god removed a rib from Addam to create Eve, so God was clearly a surgeon.”

The Engineer says, “Ah, but on the first day God created order out of chaos, so god is an Engineer!”

The Lawyer then grins and say, “But you forget, who do you thing created the chaos?”

“But you can’t give up now!” exclaimed the protractor to the abacus. “We’re all counting on you!”

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…I’m a gynecologist.”

That’s when the proctologist left.

Hydrogen and Oxygen are sitting in a bar having a drink and Gold walks in. Hydrogen turns to Gold and says “AU, get outta here!”

That’s best told with a Jersey or Brooklyn accent.

A smart aleck asks the mathematician “So you are good at math problems, huh?”

The mathematician answers confidendtly, “I like to think I am, yes.”

The kid continues “Ok, well you might need a pencil and paper for this one: your a bus driver, and you pick up seven people ar the first stop. Three of them have blue eyes. Then, at the second stop, four get off, and three get on, one if them has blue eyes. Then, at both the third and fourth stope, 5ive people get on each time, and 4 of those have blue eyets. Then, at the fifth stop, six people get on, 2 with blue yes, and two get off. THen at the seventh stop, three people get off, eight get on, and three of those have blue eyes. So– what color are the bus driver’s eyes?”

The mathematician pauses and says “I can’t determine that from the data you gave me.”

The smart alecik crows “You dummy, you don’t know the color of your own eyes?! The first thing I said was: ‘you’re the bus driver’!”

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

The statistician yells “We got him!”

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, Bill Gates simply defines Darkness (TM) as the new industry standard.

Hmm, that was funnier in the 90’s. :P

Q: Why do Computer Scientists take so long in the shower?

A: The instructions on the shampoo are: Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind here”

The two bacteria replied. “It’s ok. We’re staph.”

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.

What did the string theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

“I can explain everything”

Q: What is the volume of a pizza with radius z and thickness a?

A: Pi*z*z*a

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

E = MC^3 for small values of C

Holy shift, look at that asymptote on that mother function!

Two plus two is five for very large values of two.

PETA wants your help to find SchrÃ¶dinger.

I have the same punch line, but a much hairier dog story to get to it, involving eligible chief’s daughters from other tribes (the local deer, the not so local polar bear, and the far distant hippopotamus tribes), travel, travail, and romance, such that the suns of the squaws of the two hides are equal to the sons of the squaws of the hippopotamus.