By Mark Frauenfelder at 1:10 pm Tue, Dec 21, 2010
YouTube has lots of creepy TV commercials for old toys. Here are some of my "favorites."
Man, they missed a great opportunity with Milky…
Instead of the “pretend milk” mix, fill the udders with powdered milk, and then you can actually drink the “delicious” milk your toy expels!
Yes, these are wretched. But need to ask: This seems like an expansion on an entry originally posted on RetroThing on December 6th. Especially since that â€œMilky the Marvelous Milking Cowâ€ is at the top of this BoingBoing post and the focus on the RetroThing post.
Here’s Swing Wing with a new sound track by Evan Evans from the movie Hunting Humans. Helps the whole Zombie feeling come alive (as it were).
Evan Evans by the way is the son of Bill Evans. His website is http://www.evanevans.org
There has to be a commercial somewhere for Jarts (lawn darts).
Incredibly fun — incredibly dangerous.
No doubt. These may be the worst ads, but Lawn Darts have to be the worst toy. Of course, I kept begging my parents for them…
I think we’re working under different definitions of ‘worst’. To a 12 year old boy, Jarts were (hell, ARE) among the most AWESOME TOYS EVER. A weighted spear with fins you can chuck at your friends, who will then chuck them back at you. The only way you could improve on them would be to tape bottle rockets to them. Which we did.
Dangerous? Absolutely. But the joy of flinging one over the house and scaring the living hell out of your younger brother was pretty hard to beat without actual gunpowder.
Which is to say, the appeal of Jarts is pretty clear. The Swing Wing… not so much.
Found a Jarts commercial, but it’s for the emasculated version.
Ever notice how emasculate and effeminate have similar meanings? What’s up with that?
Something can be described as effeminate but emasculate is a verb.
Why are you picking on Milky? I had a Milky, and she fit in nicely with my Breyer horses and a chicken that laid an egg when you pushed down on it. I loved my little toy farm, and now I have a 1:1 scale farm :) The real cows HATE it when you pump their tails though…
I actually had that cow toy, and I would never have remembered it if I hadn’t seen this post. I think you had to put some kind of powder in the utters so the watery “milk” came out white. Thanks, boingboing – a quarter century of successfully blocking memories of that horrible thing, ruined in a moment. Ack.
How did Boing Boing miss “Bing Bang Boing”?
Right now someone in the old toy inventor’s retirement home is crying their eyes out.
I remember wanting that cow thing when I was a kid. Toys and movies truly have improved since my childhood.
If the concept of Baby Wee Wee weren’t terrible enough, it boggles the mind that the advertising people thought showing the baby’s plastic penis in the ad was a Good Idea.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmtgiS2DPp0 had to be done
The Ball Buster ad appears in Unkle’s Psyence Fiction album – they took the soundtrack and renamed it Getting Ahead In The Lucrative Field Of Artist Management.
I remember Milky, and I think I remember Swing Thing. There’s something awfully familiar about Johnny Reb, but I can’t be sure. ($11.98? That was a hell of a lot of money back then.)
Mostly, these commercials make me sad. Baby Wee-Wee is funny, but most of those toys look just awful. There wasn’t much too them.
The Swing Wing looks like something Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan used to train their necks for A Night at the Roxbury.
What about Mr. Bucket? “Balls in my mouth” Look it up! :]
I really wanted Milky as a kid but never got one. Now I’m glad (thanks previous posters) that I didn’t!
And I guess we’re seeing here the difference between American society and British society. Here we’d never put doll penises on teevee but across the pond, it’s fair game.
And I’m digging all the comments related to Swing Wing! :)
I picked this up at a thrift store this week. It is Ball Busters for kids.
Talk about clueless adults making useless crap for kids. Everybody involved in the production of these “toys” must have had a sad existence as an accountant.
Nobody but a moron could see any fun in any of these. (And even then, it would have to be a moron who’s drooling all over himself/herself.)
I loved Milky the Cow! I used to play with her for hours… and everytime her head clicked up, she mooed. I was just trying to describe this toy a few weeks ago to some friends!
I think any toy that elicits children to play using thought and imagination should be encouraged.
A fake commercial from the lovely Channel 101 show, “Everything”:
Okay, I will play along: Ball Buster “A family game.”
I see your Johnny Reb cannon and raise you a Kackel Dackel.
Only me thought of an uncanny resemblance to ms songsmith ads?
six finger: plastic spy finger that shoots junk
Mark, some major toy company should hire you as a consultant to come up with toys that truly inspire and challenge kids to build things on their own.
These videos you’re posting are insulting to the brain capacity of our young-uns.
What, no mention of Ball Buster?
At least the Ball Buster folks are clearly in on the joke. Incidentally, if you view this commercial on YouTube, there are numerous links to appallingly creepy “self defense” clips. Yow!
We had Milky when I was around 10 or so. I don’t know how we convinced my parents but my sister and I did. I vaguely remember making a huge mess with it, weird milky water everywhere. It warms my cockles though just thinking about it.
I see your commercials and raise with the Johnny Reb cannon.
Ah, the days when ooze was just ooze….
I kind of dig Milky, though I guess the novelty would wear off quickly. To me the “worst toy ever” would be anything having to do with the World Wrestling Federation or whatever they call themselves these days.
I dunno, my daughter would love a Milky the Milking Cow. Its kind of neat. Later we can take it apart to learn about pumps.
Why they banned lawn jarts
The baby laff alot? That looks like and sounds a bit like “Laughing Sal” that was at playland at the Beach in San Francisco. They have Sal in the Mechanicas Museum out at on of the Piers now.
And that Swing Wing. The commercial reminds of something thing from the 5000 fingers of Dr. T whose sets were designed by Dr. Seuss. A really freaky movie that gave me nightmares for years.
For that matter, my daughter would love a dog that poops and a baby that pees (hey, you wanna know how I know your doll isn’t Jewish?). What kid doesn’t have a scatological fixation? Seriously, the word “poop” is the funniest thing possible to a five year-old.
The Oozinator is just wrong.
For that matter, my daughter would love a dog that poops
I recently bought a poo-lar bear toy which poops Jelly Bellies.
Here’s an image:
You can buy them on Amazon but after they decided to play politics instead of business last fortnight, I decided I’m never going to link to their site again. (Image proudly thieved from them)
“Remember…every boy wants a Remco toy! And so do girls.”
These really tickled my funnybone. . .The Swing Wing has gotta be the worst. Get dizzy AND look like an idiot; after paying money for the privilege?
Baby Laffs Alot I would like to gift to a particular ex-friend, preferably by surreptitiously hiding a few in closets and the basement of his home. . .
Johnny Reb makes everybody gay, says it right there in the song: girls too. So nice to be so inclusive.
Ball buster is quite 70’s kitsch, I’d actually like to play it one time (after about 5 Manhattans per player)
And the scatological dolls: gross, but meh. The Ooze-thing, rightly mentioned above: that’s just plain wrong.
But Milky? I dunno, Milky looks kind of awesome. Could I fill a Milky with coconut milk or chili oil and use it in the kitchen?
Milky still sits on top of my parents fridge. We loved that thing. The best part was when it was full from drinking it would “moo”.
Speaking of Jarts, remember “Pegged in the Head With a Lawn Dart” by Ed’s Redeeming Qualities? Anybody?…
I think Stephan King has a fresh idea for a new book thanks Swing Wing, man that creeped me out in a children of the corn way…IT’S A WHAT ?
So, this then is the stuff that the guys on Mad Men are turning out at the Ad agency!?
The Swing Wing: wtf? Who thought that would actually function as any sort of entertainment? I mean, it’s a “toy” guaranteed to cause the user to suffer whiplash while experiencing no fun whatsoever.
I’m guessing somebody in management said, “Well, they bought the hula hoop. Why the hell not. Give me another scotch.”
We had lawn darts for years!
I think we originally bought them as beach toys.
We had a great time with them, and never a hint of danger.
The game as stated on the box quickly went by the wayside. It was all about throwing them as far/high as we could, or as if we were ninjas.
I never understood what the big deal was.
I mean, far less dangerous than a bicycle on the street, etc.
Also check out “Lawn Dart” by the band Ed’s Redeeming Qualities.
“peeeeegged in the head, with a lawn dart/ Lawn Dart!”
That cow has a purdy mouth.
I only clicked through to make sure the Oozinator was on the list.
I’m still convinced that was one a joke pitch someone drew up that accidentally got included in mail to the client, and then there was no going back.
The Swing Wing commercial IS very creepy.
“Hey kids! Wanna look like you’re having seizures without all the trouble of epilepsy?”
The Swing Wing is a kiddie version of the traditional Korean Farmers’ Dance. But the really good dancers are WAY better.
I like that Milky toy. The cow has such full and seductive lips.
OMG baby laugh a lot. Nightmare town.
I think this one definitely belongs in the “Worst Toys Ever” category. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F38WmjxnvMk I still can’t believe this made it into production without one person questioning the name.
re: Swing Wing. That’s the kind of thing you see 2,000 people doing in synchronized choreography at the opening ceremony of the Olympics.
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