What's causing the mysterious mass animal die-offs? Buttsecks.

Discuss

127 Responses to “What's causing the mysterious mass animal die-offs? Buttsecks.”

  1. Ugly Canuck says:

    “Respected prophet”?
    By whose estimation?

    Speaking of estimated prophets, listen up:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOixoqg-1ZI

  2. jimbuck says:

    If she’s right, God is a total d-bag.

  3. TheCrawNotTheCraw says:

    It’s funny, but it’s also tragic/pathetic, because it seems like there is an infinite supply of tools just like her.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Damn it, I saw the video still and thought it was an Eddie Izzard bit. Too bad for me, off to watch more Izzard.
    Temptation

  5. ill lich says:

    So those scientists who said the birds died from “blunt force trauma” really meant “butt sex drama?”

  6. Anonymous says:

    “Patterns you can see”
    No, only the people with “true vision” can see them. Tell me more…

  7. Anonymous says:

    I’m not sure what’s scarier — the fact that someone in the 21st century still believes supernatural forces are behind storms and earthquakes, or that a discussion on the internet involving fish and homosexuality has gone on this long without any reference to Kanye West and “fishsticks”.

  8. coaxial says:

    That outfit makes Baby Jesus cry.

    Also, God hates yard work.

  9. a_user says:

    when I saw the image used for the youtube file I thought it was Eddie Izzard

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XJfRzNOJNE

  10. Paperclip says:

    Not that this even needs debunking, but consider the facts she strings together: One of the bird die-offs occurred in Beebe, Arkansas. Beebe is the name of Arkansas’s governor. Another governor of Arkansas was Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton caused the implementation of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
    Now, even assuming the that God sends us messages about his will through word games and mass avian smitings, that doesn’t a make a lot of sense, since the bird die-offs occurred after the REPEAL of the moderate DADT policy. No reason for God to blame Bill, who helped create the thing.

    Anyway, I google mapped it and there is also a Clinton, Arkansas. Could have made that a lot simpler, God.

  11. Orizuru says:

    Let’s take a look at her argument:

    1) Arkansas is the home of Bill Clinton.
    2) As president, Clinton signed into law DADT.
    3) Several years later, DADT is repealed.
    4) Soon after, bird deaths in Arkansas are publicized in the news.
    QED God hates gay people.

    What?

    God punished Arkansas for what exactly? By her logic all the bird deaths should be in Illinois to punish Obama for repealing DADT, not in Arkansas to punish Clinton who signed DADT.

    Or maybe god hates DADT, and he’s 17 years late on the whole punishment thing.

    Sorry lady, there’s no “Arkansas Pattern”.

  12. Ipo says:

    I just want to know how Steve feels about this.
    This Lady knows good from evil, right?

  13. awjtawjt says:

    I farted.

  14. notasheep says:

    Why is this all-powerful god so ambiguous? Why doesn’t he write in fifty-foot letters across the sky regarding exactly what he’s ticked off about?

    And if this god is angry, how do you figure out what he’s really angry about? He should at least put an appendix in the Bible to help you figure out his super seekrit kode:

    Bird deaths = homosexuality
    Volcanoes = stop wars
    Earthquakes = don’t wear clothes made of two fibers (Leviticus 19:19)

  15. Bookburn says:

    Being a science teacher does pay much – but after watching something like this I certainly feel like my job has real value and that I am providing a great service to our society.

    Unfortunately, she’s probably one of the little bastards that flunked seventh grade science. (sigh)

  16. Anonymous says:

    Just so I understand correctly: God’s cool with war provided the gays aren’t (publicly) involved?

  17. Anonymous says:

    READ YOUR BIBLE!

    (It’s fucking HILARIOUS!)

  18. Anonymous says:

    that jacket made an animal cry. me.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Talk about a butt-erfly effect!

  20. Wingo says:

    ‘”From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,” she warns in her new book. ‘

    To be fair, Amazon has the publishing date for this book as 2001. But still, LOL.

  21. Shane says:

    She looks like Gloria Allred on a bad hair day ensconced in a dead vinyl leopard.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Yes, I am Christian. Most Christians aren’t.

    All the holy rollers out there forget one little thing. The “law”, the old testament, was fulfilled in Christ, and he brought a new covenant about being nice to each other and loving God (who is, according to his own words also everyone around you). Thats it. Anything beyond that is historical context. Love, Forigive, and help each other. It’s not that complicated.

    For those who choose not to believe, this is like New Star Trek changing canon… They even kind of slipped in the prequel with the “In the beginning was the word”.. nice and neat.

    And you know what, as a Christian, it is my duty to love you and care for you regardless of your sexuality, your status, your habits, etc. Granted, this doesn’t include blanket acceptance if you are causing pain to someone or something else or even yourself… but in general live, love and let live.

  23. Jack says:

    Looks like David Foley from “Kid’s in the Hall” in drag wearing a Snuffleupagus skin.

  24. Anonymous says:

    So she can decode God’s cryptic messages but can’t construct a grammatically correct sentence?

  25. Jack says:

    Also, that necklace. Biting Marge Simspon?

  26. Snig says:

    I was thinking she would make a good villain for a BTVS episode, but she’s really to over the top for Sunnydale.

  27. normd says:

    Bookburn, keep on teaching science. At least there will be fewer audience members taking Ms. Jacobs’ videos seriously.

    After following the link to youtube, I really started getting scared.

  28. Anonymous says:

    She is absolutely right, I dropped my toast yesterday and it landed on the floor right next to dog bowl and got all wet and furry. I blame DADT. Since this has never happened to me before the connection is clear. The army owes me a piece of toast.

  29. Xenu says:

    Why is it that people who think they know everything are invariably so stupid?

  30. _Username says:

    oh thank you crazy church lady for such a mar&BleS rant…also you own me a can of sprite and a new kkkkkkkeYboard

  31. lecti says:

    I think nature itself is beginning to talk to her jacket.

  32. Ranessin says:

    “From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege”

    I kinda miss the Nineties too.

  33. ackpht says:

    Because in order to believe that you know everything you have to be oblivious to the persistent evidence that you don’t.

  34. Winski says:

    Jacobs is a PUBLICLY CERTIFIABLE HACK!! She is doing everything she can to become the next Oral Roberts/Ernest Angley/Michael Savage/Rush Limberger/glenn beck/billo-the-clown/sean hanratty/Virginie AG all rolled into one fat, corn-fed bag of holy-roller, over-heated spew…

    If you’ve never heard or seen an evangelist tailor-made for the grand-scam, fleece artist, Jimmy-Swaggert-esc stage of slow-roller, pass around the collection plate, let’s go heal some cripple folks, soul-rollin crap merchant, go see this woman…

    She’ll blow you away with her scam. She’s a self-made, well-sculpted slime bag from down home, ready to tell you all about how wonderful things will be when you accept ONLY her way and after she takes over the solar system.. She’s a slime bag of the first order spewing the most vile crap you’ve ever heard. Don’t take my word for it.. Go see it for yourself..

    Make sure you don’t take your wallet or any valuables with you..

  35. sapere_aude says:

    OK, I’m pretty familiar with the Bible. I’ve read about the Great Flood. I’ve read about Sodom and Gomorrah. I’ve read about the plagues of Egypt. I’ve read about the ground opening up and swallowing people, people being consumed by fire, and even people being swallowed by a giant fish or mauled by bears as punishment for doing things that God doesn’t like. I’ve read about famine, drought, pestilence, and military invasion as punishment for nations who displease God. I’ve even read about people being struck dead on the spot for relatively minor infractions of God’s will. The Bible makes it pretty clear that God has a temper, and is willing and able to inflict some pretty horrible punishments on anyone who pisses Him off.

    So, if God’s only response to gays in the military is to cause a flock of birds to drop dead out of the sky, then I’d have to conclude that He’s not really all that angry about it. For the God of the Bible, who caused fire and brimstone to rain from the sky and turned water into blood as an expression of His wrath, smiting down a flock of birds is basically the equivalent of saying, “Meh”. I’d have to conclude that God just doesn’t really care all that much about the whole thing. Either that, or He’s just phoning it in nowadays.

  36. AirPillo says:

    It’s so touching to see people struggling with mental retardation making name for themselves despite their handicap.

  37. Anonymous says:

    James Urbaniak? Even though it’s sub-freezing, my hat is off to you. Henry Fool was such a great film. Not to mention all the others. Thank you.

  38. Anonymous says:

    What more sad, what she said, or the people that believe it?

  39. MrJM says:

    What’s causing the mysterious mass animal die-offs? Buttsecks.

    Even if this were true, it would be worth the trade off.

  40. Rich says:

    Big talk for someone wearing anal beads around her neck.

  41. social_maladroit says:

    Isn’t it obvious what’s happening? It’s the gAYDAR that’s doing it. The repeal of DADT unleashed a sudden, powerful stream of gAYLECTROMAGNETIC gAYDIATION that’s knocking the birds out of the sky. For some reason, the gay rays are being concentrated on Alabama by the gAYMOSPHERE.

  42. Forkboy says:

    Remember when we all laughed and laughed when that Iranian blamed earthquakes on promiscuity ? What a backwards country amiright ?

    • sapere_aude says:

      I didn’t think we were laughing at the backwardness of his country. I thought we were laughing at the backwardness of his mindset. And I think that most of us were well aware that this sort of backwards mindset can be found in the Western world just as surely as it can be found in the Muslim world. In fact, it seems to me that we spend a lot more time laughing at the ridiculous statements made by American fundies than we do laughing at the ridiculous statements made by Iranian fundies.

      • Forkboy says:

        Somehow I doubt this nutcase is going to be all over the international newspapers like the Iranian cleric was (haven’t seen her turn up yet here in Belgium.) And I do feel like the subtext to that particular story was to paint Iran as a backwards country that can’t be trusted with things like nuclear technology.

        • sapere_aude says:

          Perhaps. But I think the main reasons the “boobquake” story got so much media play were that (a) the Iranian cleric who drew the link between cleavage and earthquakes was one of the top religious leaders in Iran (as opposed to the woman in this video who is, frankly, a nobody – I can almost guarantee that if Sarah Palin had made these comments, it would be getting international media attention); and (b) a woman responded to the Iranian cleric’s comments by encouraging women to wear low-cut tops that showed lots of cleavage on a particular day as an act of defiance, and a demonstration of the absurdity of the cleric’s claim. This “boobquake day” protest was the main reason the story got so much media attention. If it weren’t for the boobage angle of the story, you probably wouldn’t have ever heard about the Iranian cleric’s comments.

  43. Anonymous says:

    Today more than a hundred dead birds were found dead near Geyservile, Ca. By the description in the Santa Rosa Press Democrat the birds seem to have been starlings. Last week I saw thousands of starlings flocking over the vineyards just east of where the dead birds were found. They fly in a huge mass that resembles a tornado, clouds, waves, an ever changing pattern of avian pointalism rising and falling over the landscape.
    Is it possible given the number of birds all in motion at the same time, that a bird collision could lead to what amounts to a hundred bird pile up like cars on the freeway? No lightening. No UFOs. No secret weapons. Just a collision.

  44. WhoisMisterX says:

    Homosexuals need to curb their carbon emissions.

  45. Anonymous says:

    Everyone knows the only way to validate this is to test it on Mythbusters. Unfortunately it might be too explicit for the Discovery channel. So I guess we’ll never know.

  46. benher says:

    I blame the declining habitat of the endangered blue leopard.

  47. pidg says:

    Homophobic Christians are easily defeated by logic.

    Ask them:
    “Did God create every living being, including homosexuals?”

    When they inevitably answer “yes”, ask:
    “Did He give them free will to choose to be homosexual?”

    When they inevitably answer “yes” again, ask:
    “At what age did you choose not to be a homosexual?”

    • Brainspore says:

      Homophobic Christians are easily defeated by logic.

      More like “impervious to logic,” unfortunately.

    • Anonymous says:

      Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to answer “you start heterosexual” and ignore the implied problems. Logic is a great tool, but can be deflected by anyone with access to enough talking points.

    • Ugly Canuck says:

      I disagree…if logic is enough, why are they still pursuing the same course of action, the same condemnations, of the same behaviors, consistently over the past 1600 years?

      http://www.well.com/~aquarius/rome.htm

      A stubborn evil.

  48. twodimensionalme says:

    Ok, I don’t get if she’s a comedian or not.

    However, you must warn this woman that these animarls are dying everywhere in the world, even in countries without armed forces.

    Even in countries without gay armed force.

    Ah, well, but she must think USA is the only place in this world, so that would be pointless.

  49. Anonymous says:

    It would seem it’s time to link to the big list of direct Jesus quotes about homosexuality. I didn’t get goo.gl to work for this, but you can just copy+paste it: about:blank

  50. AmyGee says:

    If god were going around killing flocks of birds because we displeased him, I’d think that the ensemble she’s wearing would be at the top of his list of smiteable offenses.

  51. Keith says:

    She really needs to update her References of Doom. Pokemon, Buffy and MM are so very 1998. Can’t wait until 2015, when she hears about this new series of books about a school for wizards, she will loose her mind!

  52. agates says:

    I’m just wondering how many handfuls of Peyote this woman ingested before she said:

    “Yeah..I really think this coat is working.”

  53. Antinous / Moderator says:

    So…every time you sodomize, God kills a starling?

    • surreality says:

      This is what I don’t get. I somehow doubt there’s an sudden *huge* influx of homosexual/bisexual people joining the army, and I doubt that the army itself is suddenly experiencing a peak of homosexual activities. So these birds are reacting to policy change, which is even more bizarre than “every time you sodomize, God kills a starling”. Man, nature is SO CONNECTED to us, huh?

      • AnthonyC says:

        “Man, nature is SO CONNECTED to us, huh?”
        Except for pollution, and greenhouse gases.
        Then there’s *absolutely nothing* humans can do to affect natural systems. Right?

        • Anonymous says:

          Depends. Are we neglecting the difference between doing something physical to a natural system, and a natural system reacting directly to your intent?

  54. max says:

    FAGS HATE BIRDS!
    it’s in leviticus, look it up

  55. pjcamp says:

    Whut Whut? In muh butt?

  56. pjcamp says:

    And also: Hello, Seeker!

  57. arikol says:

    Isn’t “respected prophet” an oxymoron?

  58. pentomino says:

    >”From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,” she warns in her new book.

    New book? Those bogeymen were played out ten years ago. No mention of Harry Potter to cash in on the new movie?

    • benher says:

      I think that’s just it – it really IS Manson, Buffy, Pokemon, and Psychics vying for a slice of the lime light again!

  59. Anonymous says:

    And cleavage causes earthquakes http://abcn.ws/a5yY22

  60. Anonymous says:

    I think that jacket might have killed them.

  61. salsaman says:

    That Maria Bamford… gets me every time!!

  62. arto says:

    There’s a completely simple scientific explanation for these mass die-offs. Closer observation of the ecological system in the affected area reveals feral pigs have stolen the birds’ eggs, and the birds have no means to retaliate except to launch themselves against the pigs’ ramshackle dwellings by means of a giant slingshot.

  63. Hools Verne says:

    What? No tidal waves this time? God’s really slacking off.

  64. Anonymous says:

    This would be funny if she, and so many other people, didn’t actually believe it. Instead, it’s just sad that they waste what precious little brainpower they have on ridiculous speculation.

  65. MadRat says:

    Buttsecks? How do two women do that… or… are women exempt from animal die-off responsibility?

  66. Deidzoeb says:

    ‘”From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,” she warns in her new book. ‘

    God waits ten or twenty years to punish us for pop culture choices? Buffy movie = 1992. Pokemon = 1996. Marilyn Manson hit big in 1995 give or take. Psychic hotlines have been around at least 30 years. Is she that far out of touch, or did she have trouble getting the book published for a couple decades?

  67. Anonymous says:

    Pokemon Cards, Marilyn Manson and HER COAT.

  68. Pickapair says:

    So, It looks like it’s already been mentioned, but ~100 dead birds ended up on the freeway, like, right by my house (near Geyserville, CA). I read Maggie’s article and was all for being speculative and seeing these as separate instances, but it sure does seem to be happening a lot. maybe it’s because this last instance was so close to home, and maybe it’s the shrooms, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

  69. Doomstalk says:

    I wonder if anyone’s ever going to tell her that her necklace looks suspiciously like anal beads.

  70. tobymarx says:

    Thanks for the laugh, really. I needed that.

    Kisses.

  71. dancentury says:

    Did she write this sentence in the 1990s? “From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,”

  72. jjsaul says:

    So what’s killing the bees, vibrators?

    At least that would sort of make sense. Kind of like navy sonar overwhelming whales and dolphins.

    Or would confused bees think Miss AA duracell is their queen?

    Coming soon on SyFy.

    • Unmutual says:

      So what’s killing the bees, vibrators?

      Our lax immigration policies of course.

      The alaskan pipeline broke because of a “happy holidays” diorama in a Boca Raton elementary school.

  73. Anonymous says:

    I was so blinded thinking about the shiny purple leopard that died to make that jacket, I couldn’t eve hear gods wishes

  74. deckard68 says:

    This is what happens when Fundies learn the basics of Googling.

  75. irksome says:

    Please God, just spare the Purple Rabbits!

  76. Anonymous says:

    In my best souther preacher voice:

    “and now I will compare and contrast jesus and spiderman”

    these religious people are over the top!!!

  77. Baldhead says:

    The best part is really the simple fact that the US is one of the last coutnries in the world to allow homosexuals to serve openly. If nature had a problem, it would have let the world know a long time ago. Some americans really are kinda hazy about this whole “rest of the world” concept aren’t they?

  78. scifijazznik says:

    That is some flawless fucking logic there, church lady.

  79. amanicdroid says:

    “Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak, but should be submissive, as the law also says.” (1 Corinthians 14:34)

    If this nation hadn’t fallen away from God’s holy principles we wouldn’t have to suffer listening to this woman’s prattle.

    Also, why is her hair so scandalously short?

    “Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering.”

    great page: http://www.fallwell.com/ignored%20verses.html

    And remember to stand up while reading those verses to show proper respect to God’s Holiest of infallibly holy words. YOU TOO, DUDE ON THE SHITTER.

  80. noneofyourbusiness says:

    I think the sight of her amazingly ugly coat caused the birds to commit suicide. She needs to be brought to justice for her visual hate crimes.

  81. Anonymous says:

    I’ll tell you what’s contrary to the principles of God: the awful purple sparkly leopard-print jacket you are wearing. If that doesn’t make birds fall from the sky and children cry in terror, I don’t know what will.

  82. Blackbird says:

    What I find ironic is that she travels the world as a ‘respected prophet’ while slagging psychics.

  83. Mr. Winka says:

    God moves in mysterious ways. For example, there was that time he created a purple leopard.

  84. vancouvergrrl says:

    I get it: she’s speaking to us from a time warp. The coat, the hair, the ginormous beads… the clues are all there. Well, she must be if she’s operating in a space where people still get their undies in a knot worrying about Marilyn Manson, who is now (gasp) OVER 40.

  85. RightReverendRex says:

    Couldn’t finish it– her voice makes me want to chew on broken glass.

    And I am too late to comment on the death of the world’s only purple leopard– but I do want to know who she scissored to make that happen.

  86. hadlock says:

    This is filed under “superstition” or “witchcraft”, not Christianity.

  87. Anonymous says:

    And she is still confused as to why terrorists go on jihads..

  88. Anonymous says:

    Didn’t any of you catch the SNL skit? It is not because men are laying together, it was the fish and bird!

  89. Anonymous says:

    So, wait.. I can totally imagine this happening.

    God: Goddamnit.

    Rather snazzily dressed angel: What?

    God: Gay people.

    Previously mentioned snazzily dressed angel: … Gay people what?

    God: Kill all the birds. All of them.

    Fabulous angel: …Why?

    God: BECAUSE GAY PEOPLE IS WHY, KEVIN.

  90. bayesblue says:

    “From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege”

    Are we under attack from the late 90s?

  91. voiceinthedistance says:

    The reason she has anal beads around her neck is that she shoved her head so far down the purple sparkle leopard’s throat that it came out its ass, thus displacing the beads, killing the perverted animal, and looking like a million bucks in the process. In case you are wondering, interacting with a sphincter from the front isn’t sodomy either. Look it up. Much appreciated that she took the time to floss before her speech, though.

  92. amanicdroid says:

    @bayesblue as fashion trends, that’s not due for another 10 years.

    .: She is truly a prophet.

  93. Anonymous says:

    This Onion piece mocking Marilyn Manson as a has-been is ten years old. Also, let me look in this mirror and GAAAAAHHH!

  94. knoxblox says:

    Okay, so by her logic, if God is the kind of supreme being that feels compelled to give an immediate answer for anything that is wrong in his/her eyes (via natural occurrence), then how come she hasn’t been struck by lightning for blasphemy?

  95. Anonymous says:

    I would think that if God wanted to kill off animals to combat gays getting a right or two, then he would probably use more pizzaz considering the occasion. Like, say, killing off sparkly purple leopards?

  96. irksome says:

    Funny, I’ve never seen birds having buttsecks.

    Link, please.

  97. Anonymous says:

    I’m confused.
    Should I be laughing or crying?

  98. Anonymous says:

    Federal records show they happen on average every other day somewhere in North America. Usually, we don’t notice them and don’t try to link them to each other.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40961721/ns/us_news-environment/

    So at least the awareness of the mass death apocalypse can be blamed on technology. It’s just that we did not notice it happening all the time until it made the news.

Leave a Reply