What's causing the mysterious mass animal die-offs? Buttsecks.

[Video Link] Cindy Jacobs, a "respected prophet," says birds and fish may be dying off en masse because of the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. In other words: buttsecks kills.

"From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege," she warns in her new book.

What what?

(via James Urbaniak)


    1. This is what I don’t get. I somehow doubt there’s an sudden *huge* influx of homosexual/bisexual people joining the army, and I doubt that the army itself is suddenly experiencing a peak of homosexual activities. So these birds are reacting to policy change, which is even more bizarre than “every time you sodomize, God kills a starling”. Man, nature is SO CONNECTED to us, huh?

      1. “Man, nature is SO CONNECTED to us, huh?”
        Except for pollution, and greenhouse gases.
        Then there’s *absolutely nothing* humans can do to affect natural systems. Right?

        1. Depends. Are we neglecting the difference between doing something physical to a natural system, and a natural system reacting directly to your intent?

  1. >”From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,” she warns in her new book.

    New book? Those bogeymen were played out ten years ago. No mention of Harry Potter to cash in on the new movie?

    1. I think that’s just it – it really IS Manson, Buffy, Pokemon, and Psychics vying for a slice of the lime light again!

  2. There’s a completely simple scientific explanation for these mass die-offs. Closer observation of the ecological system in the affected area reveals feral pigs have stolen the birds’ eggs, and the birds have no means to retaliate except to launch themselves against the pigs’ ramshackle dwellings by means of a giant slingshot.

  3. This would be funny if she, and so many other people, didn’t actually believe it. Instead, it’s just sad that they waste what precious little brainpower they have on ridiculous speculation.

  4. I wonder if anyone’s ever going to tell her that her necklace looks suspiciously like anal beads.

  5. So what’s killing the bees, vibrators?

    At least that would sort of make sense. Kind of like navy sonar overwhelming whales and dolphins.

    Or would confused bees think Miss AA duracell is their queen?

    Coming soon on SyFy.

    1. So what’s killing the bees, vibrators?

      Our lax immigration policies of course.

      The alaskan pipeline broke because of a “happy holidays” diorama in a Boca Raton elementary school.

  6. I was so blinded thinking about the shiny purple leopard that died to make that jacket, I couldn’t eve hear gods wishes

  7. “Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak, but should be submissive, as the law also says.” (1 Corinthians 14:34)

    If this nation hadn’t fallen away from God’s holy principles we wouldn’t have to suffer listening to this woman’s prattle.

    Also, why is her hair so scandalously short?

    “Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering.”

    great page: http://www.fallwell.com/ignored%20verses.html

    And remember to stand up while reading those verses to show proper respect to God’s Holiest of infallibly holy words. YOU TOO, DUDE ON THE SHITTER.

  8. I think the sight of her amazingly ugly coat caused the birds to commit suicide. She needs to be brought to justice for her visual hate crimes.

  9. I’ll tell you what’s contrary to the principles of God: the awful purple sparkly leopard-print jacket you are wearing. If that doesn’t make birds fall from the sky and children cry in terror, I don’t know what will.

  10. What I find ironic is that she travels the world as a ‘respected prophet’ while slagging psychics.

  11. I get it: she’s speaking to us from a time warp. The coat, the hair, the ginormous beads… the clues are all there. Well, she must be if she’s operating in a space where people still get their undies in a knot worrying about Marilyn Manson, who is now (gasp) OVER 40.

  12. Couldn’t finish it– her voice makes me want to chew on broken glass.

    And I am too late to comment on the death of the world’s only purple leopard– but I do want to know who she scissored to make that happen.

  13. So, wait.. I can totally imagine this happening.

    God: Goddamnit.

    Rather snazzily dressed angel: What?

    God: Gay people.

    Previously mentioned snazzily dressed angel: … Gay people what?

    God: Kill all the birds. All of them.

    Fabulous angel: …Why?


    1. A somewhat late “tee hee” for Anon’s God-angel dialog. Although wouldn’t God say “Medamnit!”? Or maybe He goes with “Goddamnit” when He’s being ironic?

  14. “From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege”

    Are we under attack from the late 90s?

  15. The reason she has anal beads around her neck is that she shoved her head so far down the purple sparkle leopard’s throat that it came out its ass, thus displacing the beads, killing the perverted animal, and looking like a million bucks in the process. In case you are wondering, interacting with a sphincter from the front isn’t sodomy either. Look it up. Much appreciated that she took the time to floss before her speech, though.

  16. Okay, so by her logic, if God is the kind of supreme being that feels compelled to give an immediate answer for anything that is wrong in his/her eyes (via natural occurrence), then how come she hasn’t been struck by lightning for blasphemy?

    1. Here ya go:

      It would seem that if weren’t for buttsecks, the poor birds would not have any sex at all!

      1. Well. I certainly hope they don’t expect to get MARRIED.

        Upon further review, I’m wondering if the problem lies in birds and fish having buttsecks with each other.

        @43 and @45: Find me a link to THAT.

  17. It’s funny, but it’s also tragic/pathetic, because it seems like there is an infinite supply of tools just like her.

  18. Damn it, I saw the video still and thought it was an Eddie Izzard bit. Too bad for me, off to watch more Izzard.

  19. So those scientists who said the birds died from “blunt force trauma” really meant “butt sex drama?”

  20. Not that this even needs debunking, but consider the facts she strings together: One of the bird die-offs occurred in Beebe, Arkansas. Beebe is the name of Arkansas’s governor. Another governor of Arkansas was Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton caused the implementation of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
    Now, even assuming the that God sends us messages about his will through word games and mass avian smitings, that doesn’t a make a lot of sense, since the bird die-offs occurred after the REPEAL of the moderate DADT policy. No reason for God to blame Bill, who helped create the thing.

    Anyway, I google mapped it and there is also a Clinton, Arkansas. Could have made that a lot simpler, God.

  21. Let’s take a look at her argument:

    1) Arkansas is the home of Bill Clinton.
    2) As president, Clinton signed into law DADT.
    3) Several years later, DADT is repealed.
    4) Soon after, bird deaths in Arkansas are publicized in the news.
    QED God hates gay people.


    God punished Arkansas for what exactly? By her logic all the bird deaths should be in Illinois to punish Obama for repealing DADT, not in Arkansas to punish Clinton who signed DADT.

    Or maybe god hates DADT, and he’s 17 years late on the whole punishment thing.

    Sorry lady, there’s no “Arkansas Pattern”.

  22. Being a science teacher does pay much – but after watching something like this I certainly feel like my job has real value and that I am providing a great service to our society.

    Unfortunately, she’s probably one of the little bastards that flunked seventh grade science. (sigh)

  23. Looks like David Foley from “Kid’s in the Hall” in drag wearing a Snuffleupagus skin.

  24. I was thinking she would make a good villain for a BTVS episode, but she’s really to over the top for Sunnydale.

  25. Bookburn, keep on teaching science. At least there will be fewer audience members taking Ms. Jacobs’ videos seriously.

    After following the link to youtube, I really started getting scared.

  26. “From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege”

    I kinda miss the Nineties too.

  27. Because in order to believe that you know everything you have to be oblivious to the persistent evidence that you don’t.

  28. Jacobs is a PUBLICLY CERTIFIABLE HACK!! She is doing everything she can to become the next Oral Roberts/Ernest Angley/Michael Savage/Rush Limberger/glenn beck/billo-the-clown/sean hanratty/Virginie AG all rolled into one fat, corn-fed bag of holy-roller, over-heated spew…

    If you’ve never heard or seen an evangelist tailor-made for the grand-scam, fleece artist, Jimmy-Swaggert-esc stage of slow-roller, pass around the collection plate, let’s go heal some cripple folks, soul-rollin crap merchant, go see this woman…

    She’ll blow you away with her scam. She’s a self-made, well-sculpted slime bag from down home, ready to tell you all about how wonderful things will be when you accept ONLY her way and after she takes over the solar system.. She’s a slime bag of the first order spewing the most vile crap you’ve ever heard. Don’t take my word for it.. Go see it for yourself..

    Make sure you don’t take your wallet or any valuables with you..

  29. OK, I’m pretty familiar with the Bible. I’ve read about the Great Flood. I’ve read about Sodom and Gomorrah. I’ve read about the plagues of Egypt. I’ve read about the ground opening up and swallowing people, people being consumed by fire, and even people being swallowed by a giant fish or mauled by bears as punishment for doing things that God doesn’t like. I’ve read about famine, drought, pestilence, and military invasion as punishment for nations who displease God. I’ve even read about people being struck dead on the spot for relatively minor infractions of God’s will. The Bible makes it pretty clear that God has a temper, and is willing and able to inflict some pretty horrible punishments on anyone who pisses Him off.

    So, if God’s only response to gays in the military is to cause a flock of birds to drop dead out of the sky, then I’d have to conclude that He’s not really all that angry about it. For the God of the Bible, who caused fire and brimstone to rain from the sky and turned water into blood as an expression of His wrath, smiting down a flock of birds is basically the equivalent of saying, “Meh”. I’d have to conclude that God just doesn’t really care all that much about the whole thing. Either that, or He’s just phoning it in nowadays.

  30. It’s so touching to see people struggling with mental retardation making name for themselves despite their handicap.

  31. James Urbaniak? Even though it’s sub-freezing, my hat is off to you. Henry Fool was such a great film. Not to mention all the others. Thank you.

  32. Isn’t it obvious what’s happening? It’s the gAYDAR that’s doing it. The repeal of DADT unleashed a sudden, powerful stream of gAYLECTROMAGNETIC gAYDIATION that’s knocking the birds out of the sky. For some reason, the gay rays are being concentrated on Alabama by the gAYMOSPHERE.

  33. Today more than a hundred dead birds were found dead near Geyservile, Ca. By the description in the Santa Rosa Press Democrat the birds seem to have been starlings. Last week I saw thousands of starlings flocking over the vineyards just east of where the dead birds were found. They fly in a huge mass that resembles a tornado, clouds, waves, an ever changing pattern of avian pointalism rising and falling over the landscape.
    Is it possible given the number of birds all in motion at the same time, that a bird collision could lead to what amounts to a hundred bird pile up like cars on the freeway? No lightening. No UFOs. No secret weapons. Just a collision.

  34. Ok, I don’t get if she’s a comedian or not.

    However, you must warn this woman that these animarls are dying everywhere in the world, even in countries without armed forces.

    Even in countries without gay armed force.

    Ah, well, but she must think USA is the only place in this world, so that would be pointless.

  35. It would seem it’s time to link to the big list of direct Jesus quotes about homosexuality. I didn’t get goo.gl to work for this, but you can just copy+paste it: about:blank

  36. If god were going around killing flocks of birds because we displeased him, I’d think that the ensemble she’s wearing would be at the top of his list of smiteable offenses.

  37. So, It looks like it’s already been mentioned, but ~100 dead birds ended up on the freeway, like, right by my house (near Geyserville, CA). I read Maggie’s article and was all for being speculative and seeing these as separate instances, but it sure does seem to be happening a lot. maybe it’s because this last instance was so close to home, and maybe it’s the shrooms, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

  38. In my best souther preacher voice:

    “and now I will compare and contrast jesus and spiderman”

    these religious people are over the top!!!

  39. Didn’t any of you catch the SNL skit? It is not because men are laying together, it was the fish and bird!

  40. I would think that if God wanted to kill off animals to combat gays getting a right or two, then he would probably use more pizzaz considering the occasion. Like, say, killing off sparkly purple leopards?

  41. “Patterns you can see”
    No, only the people with “true vision” can see them. Tell me more…

  42. I’m not sure what’s scarier — the fact that someone in the 21st century still believes supernatural forces are behind storms and earthquakes, or that a discussion on the internet involving fish and homosexuality has gone on this long without any reference to Kanye West and “fishsticks”.

  43. Just so I understand correctly: God’s cool with war provided the gays aren’t (publicly) involved?

  44. Yes, I am Christian. Most Christians aren’t.

    All the holy rollers out there forget one little thing. The “law”, the old testament, was fulfilled in Christ, and he brought a new covenant about being nice to each other and loving God (who is, according to his own words also everyone around you). Thats it. Anything beyond that is historical context. Love, Forigive, and help each other. It’s not that complicated.

    For those who choose not to believe, this is like New Star Trek changing canon… They even kind of slipped in the prequel with the “In the beginning was the word”.. nice and neat.

    And you know what, as a Christian, it is my duty to love you and care for you regardless of your sexuality, your status, your habits, etc. Granted, this doesn’t include blanket acceptance if you are causing pain to someone or something else or even yourself… but in general live, love and let live.

  45. Remember when we all laughed and laughed when that Iranian blamed earthquakes on promiscuity ? What a backwards country amiright ?

    1. I didn’t think we were laughing at the backwardness of his country. I thought we were laughing at the backwardness of his mindset. And I think that most of us were well aware that this sort of backwards mindset can be found in the Western world just as surely as it can be found in the Muslim world. In fact, it seems to me that we spend a lot more time laughing at the ridiculous statements made by American fundies than we do laughing at the ridiculous statements made by Iranian fundies.

      1. Somehow I doubt this nutcase is going to be all over the international newspapers like the Iranian cleric was (haven’t seen her turn up yet here in Belgium.) And I do feel like the subtext to that particular story was to paint Iran as a backwards country that can’t be trusted with things like nuclear technology.

        1. Perhaps. But I think the main reasons the “boobquake” story got so much media play were that (a) the Iranian cleric who drew the link between cleavage and earthquakes was one of the top religious leaders in Iran (as opposed to the woman in this video who is, frankly, a nobody – I can almost guarantee that if Sarah Palin had made these comments, it would be getting international media attention); and (b) a woman responded to the Iranian cleric’s comments by encouraging women to wear low-cut tops that showed lots of cleavage on a particular day as an act of defiance, and a demonstration of the absurdity of the cleric’s claim. This “boobquake day” protest was the main reason the story got so much media attention. If it weren’t for the boobage angle of the story, you probably wouldn’t have ever heard about the Iranian cleric’s comments.

  46. She really needs to update her References of Doom. Pokemon, Buffy and MM are so very 1998. Can’t wait until 2015, when she hears about this new series of books about a school for wizards, she will loose her mind!

  47. I’m just wondering how many handfuls of Peyote this woman ingested before she said:

    “Yeah..I really think this coat is working.”

  48. ‘”From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,” she warns in her new book. ‘

    God waits ten or twenty years to punish us for pop culture choices? Buffy movie = 1992. Pokemon = 1996. Marilyn Manson hit big in 1995 give or take. Psychic hotlines have been around at least 30 years. Is she that far out of touch, or did she have trouble getting the book published for a couple decades?

  49. Did she write this sentence in the 1990s? “From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,”

  50. The best part is really the simple fact that the US is one of the last coutnries in the world to allow homosexuals to serve openly. If nature had a problem, it would have let the world know a long time ago. Some americans really are kinda hazy about this whole “rest of the world” concept aren’t they?

  51. ‘”From Pokemon cards and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Marilyn Manson and psychic hotlines, this nation is under siege,” she warns in her new book. ‘

    To be fair, Amazon has the publishing date for this book as 2001. But still, LOL.

  52. She is absolutely right, I dropped my toast yesterday and it landed on the floor right next to dog bowl and got all wet and furry. I blame DADT. Since this has never happened to me before the connection is clear. The army owes me a piece of toast.

  53. oh thank you crazy church lady for such a mar&BleS rant…also you own me a can of sprite and a new kkkkkkkeYboard

  54. What’s causing the mysterious mass animal die-offs? Buttsecks.

    Even if this were true, it would be worth the trade off.

  55. Everyone knows the only way to validate this is to test it on Mythbusters. Unfortunately it might be too explicit for the Discovery channel. So I guess we’ll never know.

  56. Homophobic Christians are easily defeated by logic.

    Ask them:
    “Did God create every living being, including homosexuals?”

    When they inevitably answer “yes”, ask:
    “Did He give them free will to choose to be homosexual?”

    When they inevitably answer “yes” again, ask:
    “At what age did you choose not to be a homosexual?”

    1. Homophobic Christians are easily defeated by logic.

      More like “impervious to logic,” unfortunately.

    2. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to answer “you start heterosexual” and ignore the implied problems. Logic is a great tool, but can be deflected by anyone with access to enough talking points.

  57. Why is this all-powerful god so ambiguous? Why doesn’t he write in fifty-foot letters across the sky regarding exactly what he’s ticked off about?

    And if this god is angry, how do you figure out what he’s really angry about? He should at least put an appendix in the Bible to help you figure out his super seekrit kode:

    Bird deaths = homosexuality
    Volcanoes = stop wars
    Earthquakes = don’t wear clothes made of two fibers (Leviticus 19:19)

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