Xeni Jardin at 10:50 am Tue, Jan 25, 2011
ADVERTISE AT BOING BOING!
From BB pal Jeff Simmermon's blog, a detail from Essential Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe
Vol. 1, No. 11, November 1983. (thanks, Jeff!)
There’s only one way to fight back. Always call them VEDGE-UNS.
Yes vegans, some species of animals do manage to be both vegan and muscular. This has zero bearing on why 75 percent of the vegans I know look like they might break thier hip if they took a bad step…
Maybe that has something to do with the fact that animals who are vegans have these neat digestive tracts designed to maximize the nutritive potential of a purely vegetable diet? And apes aren’t vegans, they are omnivores, see all the footage of them eating termites, honey, and other primates as Exhibit A.
Am I the first to notice that this is some supremely lazy “alien” creating going on here?
“It’s 4:57, Bill. Where’s my Vegan?”
“Zzzzz… Oh! Sorry, Mister Lee. I got him around here somewhere… here he is!”
“Hmm. Doesn’t look very exotic to me.”
“Well, he’s thirty feet tall, you see. Oh and there’s the horns…”
“Sure. Right there. For the… uh… anti-graviton projectors.”
“I thought he was just wearing a rug.”
“Nossir, Mister Lee. Horns.”
“You sure you didn’t snip this outta last month’s Charles Atlas ad?”
“Never, Mister Lee. That’s your Vegan. Straight from… uh… Vega.”
“Okay, Bill. But I better see a Rigelian with more than a dozen limbs on Tuesday, or it’s back to the mailroom with you.”
That would be such primitive races as fungi, angiosperms, and gymnosperms.
Too many lentils.
They got everything right about us but the skintone. I do wish you hadn’t revealed that we are organized as an empire and are planning on completing our conquest of you primitive earthlings.
We Earthlings may be primitive but we have vast reserves of meat byproducts and dairy that are certain to repel Vegans.
(And honey for the really really sensitive ones.)
Nippleless, as well…
It’d almost be worth it for those awesome horns if it weren’t for the whole 30′ tall thing.
Subtract about 75 pounds and swap out that thong for something hemp and they would be alot closer…
They must have meant the Hempmilky way
Too many muscles for a vegan.
you know that gorillas are vegans, do you? too many muscles on them?
That certainly explains all these anti-graviton readings I’ve been picking up at the local Whole Foods.
These guys figured in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Your only hope is the Vegan Police.
Paging Saint Jerome!
You know how they get to be 30′ tall, though?
By eating right.
You should really check out Trenton Doyle Hancock’s funny, brilliant artwork about an imaginary world where beings called Mounds fight against the Vegans, beings who hate color. Great stuff.
His work is heavily inspired by Bronze-age Marvel comics.
“It doesn’t make any sense. The system is too young. It can’t have a planetary system… let alone life or a technological civilization.”
My daughter is a Vegan! Yikes!!! The stat sheet does not mention an aversion to cleaning the sleeping quarters.
I have that comic.
Hilarious. But herbivores are not vegans. “Herbivore,” “omnivore,” and “carnivore” are words that designate the animal’s natural diet, or the diet they are physically suited for. “Vegetarian” and “vegan” denote (perhaps morally based) choices made by the animal (or perhaps another animal on its behalf). So I am a vegetarian omnivore, as is my dog. Omnivores who believe that eating meat (of some animals) is appropriate and permissible should probably be called “carnists.”
I used to be a vegetarian, but now I’m an humanitarian.
Note: specimen shown without hoodie, thermal, or sXe tattoos.
Warning: approach John Joseph with extreme caution.
So, if a superhero can manage to snip off a vegan’s horns, he collapses into a heap of unsupportable flesh?
When they started doing the handbooks, they threw in a lot of pseudo-scientific explanations of the fantastic for teh argumentative fanboys. For all the giant monsters, there were three explanations that were used a lot: super-dense skeletal structures to hold up their bulk, latent psionic powers to hold up their bulk, or anti-gravity powers to counteract their bulk.
To the best of my knowledge, never once did they consider using “yes, you’re very smart; now shut up.”
I refuse to believe that any vegan could grow to be 30 feet tall.
one word: elephants
I refuse to believe that any vegan could have pink skin. Grey I could believe, but not pink.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amphicoelias – tallest known dinosaur, believed to have been a vegan. Estimates are that it was about 30 ft high and 190 ft long.
Also, the tallest living land animal, the giraffe (tallest known specimen only 20 ft tall), is vegan, as is the heaviest living land animal, the elephant…
But whales are the biggest animals that ever lived and they eat meat. And humans eat whales. WE WIN!! WOOOOO!! (*cough* ow, my heart…)
On a serious note: elephants, rhinos, hippos, and gorillas, some of the largest and most muscular animals on the planet, don’t eat meat. Meat is not the only nor best source of protein.
On a light-hearted note: I concur that Vegans seek conquest only over more “primitive” peoples, i.e. you meat-eaters. Muhahahahahahahah! Muhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahah! >;-)
It’s not the only source and certainly not for everything, but if it’s not the best, why do other animals bother with it? It’s a lot harder to kill herbivores than to kill plants, even if you have to chase those same herbivores away from them first. Mosquitoes risk their lives for blood annoyingly often, and the only explanation I’ve heard is protein.
But… But.. As fat I recall Vegans are greenish, their king has batwing ears, one of the general sometimes changes face, and ever week they send only one big robot trying to destroy Japan.
Let us not forget that the herbivore spends most of its time eating. In the case of elephants, around 16 hours a day.
Should read “Origin Galaxy: Soy-Milky Way.”
The Silky Way.
for a glorious but regrettably brief, brief moment i thought this was some sort of non-canon supplement to James Blish’s Cities in Flight.
I’ve got some of the 1980’s comic editions of the Marvel Handbook. If anyone’s interested, I’ll put them on ebay.
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