Ted Haggard: I'm Probably What The Kids Call "Bisexual"

Megachurch founder Rev. Ted Haggard is profiled in the new GQ (read the full profile here). Talking Points Memo includes some of the more memorable quotes from the man who once chased our current guest blogger Richard Dawkins off his church grounds.

About former meth dealer and escort Mike Jones, Haggard says: "We never had sex sex. I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That's it."
He admitted to buying drugs "five or six times" from Jones, but adds: "Sometimes I'd throw it away. Other times, I'd go someplace and masturbate and use it. But it was for masturbation. And that's one of the reasons why I haven't been real clear. I don't want to stand up publicly and say, 'Hey, I'm a masturbation guy!"
"You know, that's really the core issue here," he added. "I bought the drugs to enhance masturbation. Because what crystal meth does--Mike taught me this--crystal meth makes it so you don't ejaculate soon. So you can watch porn and masturbate for a long time."

The Last Temptation of Ted (Thanks, Jason Tester!)

Mark Frauenfelder is the founder of Boing Boing and the editor-in-chief of MAKE and Cool Tools. Twitter: @frauenfelder. Come and hear Mark speak at the ALA conference in Chicago on July 1.

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TenInchesTaller

wow. this makes me feel a lot better about all of my own sexual issues. and that’s saying something
- Forteto
  
  Agreed, in a rather sketchy way.
  I can now proudly say that I am much less screwed up then a megachurch owner.
  Hopefully, no one will ask which one.
arikol

I don’t really think it matters whether you’re straight, gay, bi or anything else.
If YOU decide to commit to a monogamous relationship then you’ve committed to the “look but don’t touch” rule. You’ve promised someone to be faithful to them, and that’s the core issue. Everybody gets longings for other people once in a while, most people have experimental notions of some form, but a monogamous relationship is about trust. So we keep our pants on even if a cute girl gives us the eye. Not because it wouldn’t be fun to play around, but because there are other things that matter more and give more pleasure. And so you keep the trust of your partner, and that trust fosters happiness and well being.
It’s not about straight, gay, or bi.

If your relationship is some sort of “open” relationship, swinging or other form, then other rules apply. But those kinds of relationships are hard to maintain due to trust issues, jealousy and other emotions that tend to surface when this kind of affection gets shown to others.
From a purely physical standpoint there is an issue with chemicals released during sex which foster well being and trust, which may also make open relationships more difficult.
Shane

Ted Williams? What in the name of cryogenics does the last .400 hitter in baseball have to do w/ meth-enhanced spanking?
Anonymous

You’re probably what the kids call “a wanker”
notasheep

Let me get this straight (no pun intended): you were accused of gay sex and you wouldn’t at the time confess to masturbation instead?

It took you _this_ long to come up with that?
Anonymous

WOW, “denial” really is a river that runs deep, isn’t it! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Anonymous

He “masturbated me”? Isn’t that called a hand job?
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  He “masturbated me”? Isn’t that called a hand job?
  
  Unless he’s not telling the whole story, in which case, it’s called a reacharound.
  - Brainspore
    
    Either way he’s taking credit for another person’s work.
boingaddict

so it’s like saying:

you’re not gay as long as you are not pushing back??
Anonymous

There is no way to say TMI loud enough. Or STFU.
seanbedlam

Hey, I’m Masturbation Guy too!
GTMoogle

“Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual” by Roy Zimmerman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC75FDqQ

And for good measure:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlnQZVTAcRc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIsLFjWCTsk
and more!
Clemoh

‘Cause we all know being a Crystal-Meth-Smoking-Porn-Addicted-Compulsive-Masturbator sounds way better than being gay.
- irksome
  
  Sadly, in these days of continuing discrimination, for many it actually DOES.
  
  If he’d been a Crystal-Meth-Smoking-Porn-Addicted-Compulsive-HETERO-Masturbator, they’d probably have let him keep his church.
  - cjp
    
    Only if he was also bumming choir boys.
Ratdog

I agree with Shane: Ted Williams may not be the name you’re looking for.

However, I now think of the “Man With The Golden Voice” Ted Williams before the other Ted.
Xenu

That’s a LOT more information than I wanted to know.
Gloster

Lets have a nice Spartacus round for Ted:

I’m a Masturbation guy!
5ynic

In the linked full article over at TPM, Ted says “people are, at their cores, hateful”.
Umm, no, Ted.
People who’ve imbibed fucked-up belief systems like the one you’ve dedicated your life to spreading as widely as possible, are hateful.
You worked hard to surround yourself with such people, and now your life has hit a low point, and, surprise surprise, those who drank your kool-aid aren’t too keen to forgive and move on…and that’s broken your faith in humanity.
I have zero sympathy mate.
wigg1es

So the solution to all marital problems is Meth… Who would have guessed?
oscar7g

Aren’t most guys of the masturbation variety?
- Brainspore
  
  Yes, but I don’t think most of us refer to it as “masturbation” if there’s another person doing all the work.
  - slgalt
    
    Conservatives love outsourcing.
    - hassenpfeffer
      
      This. Thread won. Game over, man, game over!
Jack

Heâ€™s not bi-sexual. Heâ€™s guy-sexual. Heâ€™s just a guy who likes being sexual. Not having sex. But being sexual. With other men. Sometimes with their hand on his penis. Sometimes with his hand on his own penis. Sometimes meth helps him do this. And he buys the meth from a guy who is sexual. But that guy might be gay. And he might jerk off Mr. Williams. But that does not make Ted Williams gay because itâ€™s just a guy being sexual with another guy; being gay means they had to have â€œthe sexâ€ happening.

Makes perfect sense!

USA! USA! USA!
Anonymous

Did you notice that you called him Ted Haggard in the title, but Ted Williams in the article? I think there’s a world of difference between a baseball hall-of-famer (or homeless Internet star) and a corrupt religious figure.
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  Fixed. But, please see: http://boingboing.net/2006/06/03/hideous_company_send.html
  - Anonymous
    
    Oh, I don’t give a fig about pro sports, or any kind of sports, for that matter. But I will totally download World Cup Soccer from Boing Boing! And I will absolutely download apples from my umbrella. /surrealism
Xenu

I bet he shops at Harps.
Artimus Mangilord

What’s unclear to me is, well, if the service was performed ala Dutch rudder, is that still immoral in the eyes of his god? Is a distinction made there?
thatbob

While Ted Haggard is probably the poster boy for how NOT to be a bisexual guy, there aren’t really many good examples of how to be a a bisexual guy the right way.

The Right Wing Conservative approach differs from the Brothers on the Downlow approach only to the degree that it preaches hatred and inequality for homosexuals; BsOTD are still lying to their main ladies.

I guess best examples are the David Bowie model of acting all gay and crazy in your youth but then settling down with one awesome woman and swearing off your past; and there’s the (alleged) Cary Grant model of alternating serial relationships and paternity.

Any happy examples from husbands, wives, or children of bi guys? Or are all of our relationships doomed?
- cjp
  
  I’m a chick, but maybe I can give you some insight. I’m bi and married. I am (clears throat) completely satisfied with my choice for a monogomous, hetero partnership. Emotionally satisfied, that is. But we all take a peek over the fence at the neighbour’s wife in her new bikini once in a while, right?
  
  Bottom line – straight or queer, you either make your relationship work or you give up. I’m lucky to have found someone who meets 99% of my needs and desires. Maybe it’s easier for a bi girl,not sure, but I have the feeling that these things are pretty universal.
  - Jean-Luc Turbo
    
    Could not agree more.
    
    I think that many of us get so caught up in labeling one’s sexual identity based solely on the sexual acts, but sex is the easy part.
    
    The only thing that matters (e.g. – defines one’s identity) is intimacy. You go with (and battle with/for) who you have that deep emotional and physical connection with.
    
    Ted Haggard’s, “I’m 54, with children, with a belief system, and I can have enforced boundaries in my life. Just like you’re a heterosexual but you don’t have sex with every woman that you’re attracted to, so I can be who I am and exclusively have sex with my wife and be perfectly satisfied;” is surprisingly and universally accurate.
    
    However, his, “”You’ve got to understand…people are, at their cores, hateful,” is the phucking bullchit you’d expect from the neurotic death cult that he continues to parade.
    
    And now we can understand how this all happened.
- Anonymous
  
  I’m confused why it should make a difference. Someone bisexual is simply attracted to a larger range of people than someone who isn’t. Asking how they can be happily married sounds a bit like asking how someone who likes both blonde and brunette hair can settle down with just one.
- jackie31337
  
  Any happy examples from husbands, wives, or children of bi guys? Or are all of our relationships doomed?
  
  I think that’s one of the tricky parts of being bisexual in a committed relationship: if you’ve decided to be exclusive to your partner, you’ve essentially forced yourself to choose one gender. On the other hand, it takes a very open-minded partner to accept another relationship (committed or not) alongside their own.
  - morgonmae
    
    jackie31337, please don’t confuse bisexuality with polyamory.
Anonymous

Why does semi-normal to normal (depending on your personal views) sex seem so much creepier when talking heads are involved even when straight vanilla sex is concerned im usually sorry i found out, maybe because these people are usually hideous inside and/or out?
BadIdeaSociety

I am not one to call a homosexual or bisexual a deviant outright. Having an obsession over enhancing the length of time one masturbates is really, really odd.
Anonymous

also: This whole revelation is just more of Ted Haggard whoring (but this time for the season premier of south park)
Anonymous

It’s a shame that Haggard had such a fall. In 2005 he was a leading voice in the “creation care” movement, an attempt to make environmentalism a major concern for evangelicals.

That was a step in the right direction, in my opinion.
fnc

“I don’t want to stand up publicly and say, ‘Hey, I’m a masturbation guy!’”

Saying that is kind of redundant anyway. You can just say “I’m a guy” and the other part will generally be assumed. I think it’s called a “de facto standard”.
sparkdale

Some of the quotes in this are just staggering.

“You’ve got to understand, people are, at their cores, hateful. I don’t want to believe that, but the facts have prevailed over my idealism.”

He says this even while opening a new church.
- Anonymous
  
  What this reveals is that he hates … himself. Projecting this on the outer world is really indicative of a belief system that is internal, i.e. how one views oneself but is not in tune with it (in denial of it), so he manifests it on the world, i.e. all the people he sees.
  
  Why are so many of the high-level powerful preachers screwed up? And why do they feel a need to lie all the time?
  
  Politicians they are, yes.
Amelia_G

Cheers again to Mike Jones for outing this guy. And to Dan Savage & co. for letting us Seattlites know about it and bringing Mike Jones to Seattle’s Rebar for a book signing that was a lot of fun.
toxonix

..and then there are the things we don’t know we didn’t want to know.
But seriously, what would the Spanish Inquisition do with this guy?
Anonymous

Ted, it’s sex if someone ends up sticky.
i_prefer_yeti

We had Masturbation Guy ™ come and give a motivational talk at my work, his presentation rubbed me the right way!

But Masturbation Gal ™ showed up the following week and wow! She was able to make multiple points to his one. We were all gushing about her for days.
humanresource

Does Haggard remind anyone else of that guy off Boogie Nights?
“. . I wanna watch you. I mean, Iâ€™m not gay.
I just wanna. Maybe you can jerk off
a little and I can watch. Maybe Iâ€™ll join
in, but for now I just wanna watch.”
Anonymous

wow, the guy’s a total wanker. I mean, literally, a wanker. oh, and a hypocrite too (as are so many on the far right or religious extremes).
Anonymous

“Crystal meth makes it so you don’t ejaculate soon. So you can watch porn and masturbate for a long time.”

Noted! Thanks for tip, Mr. Haggard.

You know, if he could just get over that Jesus stuff, it sounds like he would be a pretty cool dude.
Sarah Neptune

I’m dying a little inside for his kids… bad enough for anyone to hear their dad say such things, but when you’ve been raised to believe that anything outside hetero sex within marriage is evil, oh god…

(Aside from this, I forget – why is stimulating one’s own body to pleasurable feelings a shameful act?)
Anonymous

“Masturbation Guys” are generally known as just “guys.”
artaxerxes

Anon #10: No, in this context it’s not called a hand-job, it’s called “a happy ending.”

But he’s still a creepy tweaker with a entirely modular, mobile belief system and a thirsty exhibitionist ego.

In “Jesus Camp,” he did make some comment about teh Gayz blending into in society. Something like, ” I could be gay and you wouldn’t even know it!” And I was thinking, “Ding! Ding! Mr. Ted Haggard, come on down!” And for good measure, he seemed pretty gakked out in that Jesus Camp footage. I don’t think Mr. Haggard threw away quite as much meth as he claims he did.
teapot

Someone tell this idiot that drugs make all sex better… You don’t have to be doing it with yourself. Though I can only imagine that someone as full-of-shit – er, god – as Haggard is would be unbearable to be around while high.

How long do we have to wait for the pr0n industry to start turning out DVDs with titles like “Ride me Haggard!” or “Haggard meth-whore confessions”? Not long, I hope.
Stonewalker

Gotta give him a hand for being candid
Antinous / Moderator

Why is it that they usually come out after age 50? Are they just trying to increase their chances of getting laid once they lose their dubious youthful charms?
- Brainspore
  
  Haggard didn’t “come out” so much as “get booted out by the gay prostitute drug dealer who could no longer stomach a client of such morally reprehensible character.”
Anonymous

jesus christ, you should put a disclaimer on that header. i was eating while reading this and i literally almost threw up when i read the last sentence of that last quote. god, he is creepy.
Anonymous

Masturbation is a spiritual practice if used in accordance with the principles of growing Chi and awareness = Sexual Intelligence. The Taoist Enlightenment Practices understood this most revered and ancient revitalization technique. Pleasure is a secondary benefit; the goal is Enlightenment!

Blessings,
Ashoka Aurora Ishaya
http://www.kundaliniinitiator.com
http://www.ishayaintegralcoaching.com
mdh

Yet snother conservative with a remarkably Dickensian name.
Anonymous

I like how he adds “Mike taught me this” so we can be sure that if it wasn’t for the evil, satan-in-the-form-of-a-gay-prostitute, Mike, poor Mr. Masturbation would have never strayed.
irksome

Well. I’m glad we cleared THAT up!
voiceinthedistance

Thanks for clearing up the confusion, Ted. Otherwise, I might have thought that you were a hypocrite or something.
Snig

If only he’d been exposed to the longer variation of the Niemoller quote, which includes:

“Then they came for the gays, and I did not speak up because I wasn’t a gay.”

and concludes:
Then they came for the Crystal-Meth-Smoking-Porn-Addicted-Compulsive-Masturbators
Brainspore

In the sense that you like to buy sex?
enishmarati

Uh.
Snig

and there was no one left to speak out for me.
Anonymous

He shall now forever be known as Ted “Masturbation Guy” Haggard.
- MrJM
  
  You mean Ted “The Masturbation Guy” Haggard?
Anonymous

omg, i can’t believe this stuff actually happens in real life. i went to an idaho meth project premiere yesterday for class credit, the ads were crazy – http://idahomethproject.org/TV – but i didn’t think people actually traded meth for sex? you guys should check them out, they’re not on tv yet, but i think these are supposed to start next week?
irksome

I do think he’s confusing bi-sexual with buy-sexual though…

Does anyone sense he’s being a tad disingenuous when he says he can be “perfectly happy” having sex with his wife? That doesn’t sound like a ringing endorsement of his satisfaction with heterosexual congress. My inner train-wreck observer would love to hear her take on the subject.
- Modano
  
  That whole bit about “have sex with my wife and be perfectly satisfied” reminds me of this Onion gem:
  http://www.hulu.com/watch/41048/onion-news-network-cindy-mccain-claims-sheâ€™s-â€˜just-like-any-other-female-humanâ€™
- Anonymous
  
  Sometime later in an interview with Mrs. Haggard
  
  Interviewer: “So, Mrs. Haggard, Ted says he is perfectly happy with having sex with you, is this true?”
  Mrs. Haggard: “We have what Ted calls sex.”
  - irksome
    
    Anon@64: Suddenly I’m picturing that rather uncomfortable scene in Blue Velvet where Dennis Hopper gets off in about 10 seconds while dry humping Isabella Rossalini.
    
    Only with the Haggards there’s a bloody clown suit, a makeshift plywood pillory and a family of hamsters involved. Thanks for that.