Twitterers mock the "Everything Bagel"

Kottke has collected some of the funniest Twitter snark about the falsehood-in-advertising moniker for the "Everything Bagel." Who knew carbs were so funny at 140 characters?

This "everything bagel" is great. Has onions, poppy seeds, garlic, cheese, q-tips, Greenland, fear, sandals, wolves, teapots, crunking...
-- @johnmoe

You call this an everything bagel?! Where are the french fries & the pizza & the pot brownie & the Taco Bell fire sauce?!
-- @ronniewk

Flossing after an everything bagel is important b/c as the name implies, you don't just have *something* in your teeth, you have every thing.
-- @phillygirl

The hilarious everything bagel

(Image: stack of everything bagels [it's the salt, stupid], a Creative Commons Attribution (2.0) image from wwworks's photostream)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

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sirdook

What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Anonymous

suicide bagel?
Moriarty

Ok, so apparently people DON’T know what an everything bagel is. So, for non-New Yorkers or whatever:

“Everything” bagels first appeared in the 1970s, when bagel stores started taking all the toppings that had fallen off other bagels, mixing them together, and using that as a topping. “Everything,” hence, means everything that traditionally might go on a bagel: sesame, poppy, onion, salt. They are extremely common and can be found in any bagel store. They are not some company’s new marketing scheme.
Snig

My order used to be, “I’ll have a powerbagel, and my fiance wants everything”.
KaiBeezy

.
good choice for your one food
if stranded on a desert island
sheep’s head, bah
.
braininavat

Why would anyone bother to mock a stale doughnut?
doingdoing

Exactly the reason I can’t take twitter seriously.
valdis

I’d settle for being able to find a decent bagel, period, in this corner of the Virginia backwoods.
- tcburks
  
  Have you tried Bodo’s in Charlottesville, or are you farther in the woods than I am?
Anonymous

Wow, just look at all the joke you can make about the everything bagel!

(That’s not a typo.)
Anonymous

Isn’t there a thing in grammar known as an implied phrase (or something like that)? As in:

“Welcome to Lou’s Bagels. May I help you?”
“Hi, yes, I would like an Everything [with which one might possibly /normally/ top a bagel] Bagel, please”

I mean, just who should be mocking whom in this delicious situation?
inkfumes

Hey that’s my third favorite bagel, what did he ever do to you? It’s just an innocent bagel, wont someone think of the bagels!
Anonymous

I agree that having a sensitive palette adverse to this sort of vulgar mixture is a sign of intelligence. For that reason I forgo â€œbagelsâ€œ adulterated by salt, yeast and the like and instead eat handfuls of white flour directly from the bag.
Avram / Moderator

Shouldn’t this segue into the “make me one with everything” joke?
lewis stoole

this is the “sweepings off the bagel store floor” bagel.
literally, this is what you find in your dustpan after sweeping the floor.
bits of garlic, caraway, onion, poppy, and sesame.
Xof

Do not mock Happy Fun Bagel.
gwailo_joe

Sure, sure: ~Everything~

Then why pray tell does the white(!) sesame dominate? Can I order an Egalitarian bagel please?
PaulR

It’s not a bagel from St-Viateur’s.

/Gimme two dozen white, one dozen black.
- Anonymous
  
  Great now we HAVE to get into a St-Viateur vs. Fairmount debate!
MacBookHeir

Bagels are the Sam Kinison of bread products
Anonymous

Isn’t this why some people call them “Long Island Bagels” or something similar? (I can’t remember what.)
LazarWolf

Not going to lie. I think everything bagels smell like vomit. I can’t get over that, so I’ve never had one.
Avram / Moderator

I think of them as several things bagels. (Just picked one up at the store a little while ago, along with a plain, a poppyseed, and a sesame.)
- grimc
  
  Just picked one up at the store a little while ago, along with a plain, a poppyseed, and a sesame.
  
  So you basically picked up one and a half everything bagels?
Moriarty

So are are these originating from some place where everything bagels are new?
Jack

Has anyone made a bagel topped with hot pepper flakes?

I INVENTED THAT! JUST NOW!
- IronEdithKidd
  
  No, you didn’t. Our local bagel shop has been making jalapeno bagels since before I moved here. Their everything bagel is quite good, but I like the pizza bagel even better.
  
  BTW, greetings from Ann Arbor, MI. This isn’t a NYC thing.
Anonymous

That bagel is everything to me.
DirtierSanchez

When I saw the article I thought of this: http://www.4shared.com/audio/hDeZeg1z/NLO_Everything_Bagels.html
It’s a piece of a comedy podcast called Nobody Likes Onions where the host discusses this subject and calls two companies complaining about it. It’s both pretty hilarious and NSFW. I am in no way affiliated with this podcast other than the fact I am a fan.
Anonymous

Everything, huh? Guess that makes the universe a torus, after all.
Anonymous

So I guess an everything bagel is something some company is marketing as extreme with all the crap on it?

It’s an interesting collision. On the one hand, dumb people lack the ability to appreciate the subtley or simplicity of a single flavor. But on the other hand dumb people are also terrible about understanding the importance of context when communicating their thoughts; such as expecting *everyone* to already know what an “Everything Bagel” is and that there is an active campaign of Twitter snark from which to cull the best of.
- Anonymous
  
  Anon #11…everything bagels are not a new thing…just so you know and don’t get made fun of out in the real bagel world
- Tavie
  
  It’s not “some company”. Everything bagels are everywhere.*
  
  You can’t go to a deli, bakery, coffee truck or coffee bar in NYC, at least, without there being everything bagels either available or just sold out.
  
  *Oh, here we go.
  - apoxia
    
    *yes, here we go.
    
    I assume everything bagels are an American thing? Just a reminder that America isn’t “everywhere”, although it’s doing a good job of trying to be.
Ruben Bolling

An everything bagel really is “everything” if you think of it as a bagel surrounded by and attached to the entire universe. You just eat the center part.
- @rubenbolling