Twitterers mock the "Everything Bagel"

Kottke has collected some of the funniest Twitter snark about the falsehood-in-advertising moniker for the "Everything Bagel." Who knew carbs were so funny at 140 characters?
This "everything bagel" is great. Has onions, poppy seeds, garlic, cheese, q-tips, Greenland, fear, sandals, wolves, teapots, crunking...
-- @johnmoe

You call this an everything bagel?! Where are the french fries & the pizza & the pot brownie & the Taco Bell fire sauce?!
-- @ronniewk

Flossing after an everything bagel is important b/c as the name implies, you don't just have *something* in your teeth, you have every thing.
-- @phillygirl

The hilarious everything bagel

(Image: stack of everything bagels [it's the salt, stupid], a Creative Commons Attribution (2.0) image from wwworks's photostream)


  1. Hey that’s my third favorite bagel, what did he ever do to you? It’s just an innocent bagel, wont someone think of the bagels!

  2. Sure, sure: ~Everything~

    Then why pray tell does the white(!) sesame dominate? Can I order an Egalitarian bagel please?

  3. Not going to lie. I think everything bagels smell like vomit. I can’t get over that, so I’ve never had one.

  4. I think of them as several things bagels. (Just picked one up at the store a little while ago, along with a plain, a poppyseed, and a sesame.)

    1. Just picked one up at the store a little while ago, along with a plain, a poppyseed, and a sesame.

      So you basically picked up one and a half everything bagels?

  5. So I guess an everything bagel is something some company is marketing as extreme with all the crap on it?

    It’s an interesting collision. On the one hand, dumb people lack the ability to appreciate the subtley or simplicity of a single flavor. But on the other hand dumb people are also terrible about understanding the importance of context when communicating their thoughts; such as expecting *everyone* to already know what an “Everything Bagel” is and that there is an active campaign of Twitter snark from which to cull the best of.

    1. Anon #11…everything bagels are not a new thing…just so you know and don’t get made fun of out in the real bagel world

    2. It’s not “some company”. Everything bagels are everywhere.*

      You can’t go to a deli, bakery, coffee truck or coffee bar in NYC, at least, without there being everything bagels either available or just sold out.

      *Oh, here we go.

      1. *yes, here we go.

        I assume everything bagels are an American thing? Just a reminder that America isn’t “everywhere”, although it’s doing a good job of trying to be.

  6. Isn’t there a thing in grammar known as an implied phrase (or something like that)? As in:

    “Welcome to Lou’s Bagels. May I help you?”
    “Hi, yes, I would like an Everything [with which one might possibly /normally/ top a bagel] Bagel, please”

    I mean, just who should be mocking whom in this delicious situation?

  7. Isn’t this why some people call them “Long Island Bagels” or something similar? (I can’t remember what.)

    1. No, you didn’t. Our local bagel shop has been making jalapeno bagels since before I moved here. Their everything bagel is quite good, but I like the pizza bagel even better.

      BTW, greetings from Ann Arbor, MI. This isn’t a NYC thing.

  8. Ok, so apparently people DON’T know what an everything bagel is. So, for non-New Yorkers or whatever:

    “Everything” bagels first appeared in the 1970s, when bagel stores started taking all the toppings that had fallen off other bagels, mixing them together, and using that as a topping. “Everything,” hence, means everything that traditionally might go on a bagel: sesame, poppy, onion, salt. They are extremely common and can be found in any bagel store. They are not some company’s new marketing scheme.

  9. I agree that having a sensitive palette adverse to this sort of vulgar mixture is a sign of intelligence. For that reason I forgo “bagels“ adulterated by salt, yeast and the like and instead eat handfuls of white flour directly from the bag.

  10. this is the “sweepings off the bagel store floor” bagel.
    literally, this is what you find in your dustpan after sweeping the floor.
    bits of garlic, caraway, onion, poppy, and sesame.

  11. An everything bagel really is “everything” if you think of it as a bagel surrounded by and attached to the entire universe. You just eat the center part.
    – @rubenbolling

Comments are closed.