Billion Year labor contract for Scientologists

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52 Responses to “Billion Year labor contract for Scientologists”

  1. wrybread says:

    Fascinating stuff. I’ve been on a Scientology research binge since that amazing New Yorker article mentioned here the other day. If I understand correctly, the Scientologists believe that we’re all re-incarnated after we die, and that getting “clear” through their practices gives people the ability to choose a better organism to be re-incarnated as when the time comes. So by signing this “billion year contract” people are dedicating not only their current lives, but all of their re-incarnated lives as well.

    • Anonymous says:

      They also believe we have been reincarnated many times already. Much of the auditing they pay big bucks for is to take one back into their past lives. Of course all auditing is hypnosis and under hypnosis we can imagine all sorts of things suggested to us. Also a person under hypnosis is much more willing to pre-pay for future auditing sessions ensuring the scam continues.

      The Scientology scam should be taught to everyone in highschool as a perfect example and warning of how religion and psychology can be abused for personal gain.
      Hubbard was an evil genius.

      Everyone should listen to Tori ‘Magoo’ Christman’s lectures on the cult.

      • wrybread says:

        Good point. Another devious little perk of the auditing process is that while you’re confessing all your guilty moments, the auditor writes it all down, which makes blackmailing you in the future so much easier…

    • AnthonyC says:

      “We’re suing you for violating the terms of your contract.”
      “I never signed that. It’s from before I was born.”
      “Exactly. Your previous incarnation signed it.”
      “If so, he chose a better organism to be reincarnated when he was reborn- one that wouldn’t fall for that gibberish.”

  2. Anonymous says:

    These one billion years are not British or American, but are a TeeGeeAckian billion years. This is roughly 42 earthly seconds, so don’t panic.

  3. wrybread says:

    Some interesting description of life in the Sea Org is here.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Is that an US billion (1,000,000,000) years or an international billion (1,000,000,000,000) years?

  5. Anonymous says:

    If I understand correctly, the Scientologists believe that we’re all re-incarnated after we die, and that getting “clear” through their practices gives people the ability to choose a better organism to be re-incarnated as when the time comes.

    Important to note that lower-rung Scientologists may not believe that.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I seriously thought that was a joke.

  7. Anonymous says:

    There’s one problem with this contract:

    “Being of sound mind…”

  8. Anonymous says:

    One billion years *little pinky*

  9. Anonymous says:

    I’ve seen NDAs and other IP-related documents that claim to apply in this universe and any others that may exist.

    • BBNinja says:

      That crap doesn’t even fly in China. I wonder how they expect to make that stick in Universe #392 which is predominantly ruled by a race of foul-tempered Snarglemaws which routinely eat anyone who displeases them.

  10. autark says:

    only 1 billion? geez, how long is this universe thing supposed to last?

    why not forever?

  11. Anonymous says:

    Amazing. Thanks to the internet, Scientology is progressively being called out for what it is. A farce based on a con. But there’s no doubt some people have benefited; but it might be an exception rather than the rule.

    The best insight I’ve seen so far is this full interview with American actor Jason Beghe who was a practitioner for over ten years:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHb0BZyF5Ok

  12. Anonymous says:

    You could make an argument that such a contract is intrinsically invalid, since nobody of sound mind could possibly sign it.

  13. Andrew Baron says:

    I wonder if the billion years ends at Midnight GMT or what.

  14. oasisob1 says:

    Takedown notice in 3, 2, 1…

  15. kevinupstairs says:

    Being of sound mind I’m going to go ahead and sign a billion year contract…

    Mmmmm-hmmmm.

  16. Shart Tsung says:

    Lord Xenu has inspired me to create a sequel to Battlefield Earth. We will begin filming inside of a giant volcano.

  17. VICTOR JIMENEZ says:

    But is a billion yeas in the long or short scale?
    Does Xenu preffer the french or the english metrics?

  18. Bob Stanley says:

    I’d sign up but it looks like I’m busy most of 1,000,002,008.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Aloha!

    Can a contract like this really be valid. At least one of the parties signing it must be doing so in bad faith, fully aware that the contract will be broken after only a small fraction of the stipulated time.

  20. hbl says:

    A billion years at sea? I feel seasick sometimes crossing from England to France.

  21. senorglory says:

    Had a good enough chuckle that I went back to the article to pull the quote from the recent New Yorker article:

    “The church says that it adheres to “all child labor laws,” and that minors can’t sign up without parental consent; the freeloader tabs are an “ecclesiastical matter” and are not enforced through litigation.”

    Read more http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/02/14/110214fa_fact_wright#ixzz1Do4l6K6r

    The “not enforced through litigation” bit is what cracked me up. As if! And as if the Church of Scientology isn’t well versed in litigation, and not completely aware of how such a ‘freeloader’ suit would be received by the court.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Well, a billion years is not that much compared to the eternity that Christians sign up for on just as much evidence. Specifying it to an arbitrary billion just makes it seem bigger.

  23. senorglory says:

    We’ll all be sued, shortly.

  24. Anonymous says:

    yeah, I’m with Victor G.

    are that one thousand million, 10^9, or a million million, 10^12 ???

    look out for the scam! =)

  25. Anonymous says:

    “The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn’t enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.”

  26. Anonymous says:

    1 – Scientology claims to be a religion
    2 – “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”
    3 – Enforcement of agreements is subject to laws.

    Therefore because this is a religious matter, there can’t be any laws that would apply to such an agreement, so there aren’t any laws that can be used to enforce it.

    Or

    Sea Org isn’t a religious organization.

  27. irksome says:

    I’d sign but I currently stuck in one of Obama’s internment camps.

    Whoops, gotta run; Arts and Crafts is starting.

  28. imag says:

    As if I needed one more reason to be offended by this cult, now here they go and use that moronic term: “as per”. There is simply no need for that “as”.

    To the crazies: omit needless words.

  29. Anonymous says:

    Tell me about eternal damnation…

  30. BBNinja says:

    From: http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=17338

    Millions and millions of years ago there was a Galactic Pastaration, a collective of Extra-Pastarials inhabiting planets throughout the universe.

    However, the Galactic Pastaration was ruled by the evil overlord Linguinu (pron: Lin-Gwee-Noo), an oppressive power-hungry dictator who sought the destruction of anyone who opposed his rule.

    Linguinu imprisoned the Noodlerians who opposed him and brought them to the Earth in a spacecraft that looked very conveniently like a Food Cart with engines capable of hyperspace travel strapped to it.

    He then stacked them all before a large volcano on the Earth and boiled them alive.

    Unfortunately, Linguinu was a terrible cook and overcooked the Noodlerians. To this day their oily essences, what is known as Eatins’ (Eatings) still remain behind trapped in our world and they are the sole cause of all the evils in the world.

    L. Flan Cupboard was the first person to discover these Eatins’ and identify them as the cause of the world’s and mankind’s ills. He also brought forth the plight of the humble Tomatoes whom he claimed he could hear screaming when sliced. He published many more of his spiritual findings in a book aptly called ‘Diuretics’.

    Now, it is possible for these Bad Eatins’ to become Good Eatins’. The first step is being pastaudited with a device known as a Linguin-I-Meter. The Linguini-I-Meter can be used to not only measure one’s levels of Good and Bad Eatins’ but can also be used to rehabilitate these Bad Eatins’.

    Now these Linguin-I-Meter sessions can cost hundreds to thousands of dollars. Remember though, you’re not only getting your Eatins’ measured but rehabilitated and cured as well!

    There are many who will mock those who believe. Do not listen to these SPs (Suppressive Pastas) and stay true to the faith brethren!

  31. BBNinja says:

    No comments from Scientology shill Louanne yet about how the media is conspiring to make Scientologists seem like bat-shit insane cultists?

  32. mchampag says:

    Hmm… I have to ask: is that an American billion, or a British billion?

    • Anonymous says:

      That’s the scam of the whole system. See, you work for a billion years (American), and you think, “Sweet, my time’s just about up! I can’t wait to do something with the rest of my life!”

      Then they hit you with the news, they’re using the British billion.

      It’s despicable, really, I don’t know why anybody hasn’t stopped them yet.

  33. krispyD says:

    Crazy people are crazy.

  34. Anonymous says:

    And just what, pray tell, is “ethical” about “indentured servitude enforced by corporal punishment”?

    Just wunderin’…

    - Snackboy the Gastronomical

  35. Anonymous says:

    Don’t forget that you are going to spend an average of $300,000.00
    for your auditing to find out you made up the whole deal in your mind!
    What a racket!

  36. Anonymous says:

    At the bottom they meant to spell morals but the discipline, MORES and conditions. LOL, that is ok because they misspell things all the time!

    • housewarmer says:

      Don’t be a MOREon. Mores is not a misspelling of morals. Careless spelling is not one of Scientology’s myriad offenses against anything and everything.

  37. bardfinn says:

    Additional fail: Their “coat of arms” is completely in violation of the no-metal-on-metal rule (thus invalid) and their sinister chief device is a rip of the device of the SCA Kingdom of Ansteorra. As a herald, I would interpret their ‘coat of arms’ as “we are incompetent thieves who fly-by-night”.

  38. Unmutual says:

    I believe that according to Hubbard the whole Xenu saga took place around a trillion years ago.

    Yeah, trillion. He obviously had no knowledge of science whatsoever.

  39. Tequilatarian says:

    heh…there are even more documents here:
    http://www.scribd.com/AnonLover/documents
    Just about everything you could ever want.

    Here is a staff contract (as opposed to Sea Org)
    http://www.scribd.com/doc/26815718/Scientology-Fact-Sheet-Sample-Staff-Contract

    The docs from February 2010 were released as part of a press conference in Hollywood at the the Center for Inquiry in February 2010 by several ex-scientologists.
    Here are vids for anyone interested:
    http://www.youtube.com/user/ScilonTV

    And here is a video taken later that day in Gilman Hot Springs (by Hemet) at scientology’s headquarters. They tried to boot off protesters from the limited section they had to protest by an unusual means…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NZKIvj5xcg

    • penguinchris says:

      Wow, I’ve been to Gilman Hot Springs (there was a trench dug to look for evidence of an earthquake fault just up the road that I went to see) – I thought it felt like a weird place, and now I know why.

      I mean, most places in the desert (and CA in general) feel weird to me, having come from temperate NY suburbs, but there was something different about Gilman Hot Springs.

  40. superface says:

    Third anniversary of Anonymous vs. Scientology protests is today.

  41. MrJM says:

    Void as unconscionable!

  42. BBNinja says:

    @ #35 i.e. getting clear so you can pick a better reincarnation form:

    “Form of Jayna’s tampon!” -Peter Griffin

  43. jimkirk says:

    Isn’t “Being of sound mind” and “I commit myself … for the next Billion Years” mutually exclusive?

    Anf of course I hear Doctor Evil saying, with pinky at corner of mouth, “Billion Years”.

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