Billion Year labor contract for Scientologists

This "Billion Year Contract" is purportedly the document that Scientologists committing themselves to the Sea Org (a part of the organization alleged to practice indentured labor enforced by corporal punishment) are asked to sign. It came unsourced, but there are plenty of other copies on the web, including this Operation Clambake version.

(Thanks, Fipi Lele!)


  1. Fascinating stuff. I’ve been on a Scientology research binge since that amazing New Yorker article mentioned here the other day. If I understand correctly, the Scientologists believe that we’re all re-incarnated after we die, and that getting “clear” through their practices gives people the ability to choose a better organism to be re-incarnated as when the time comes. So by signing this “billion year contract” people are dedicating not only their current lives, but all of their re-incarnated lives as well.

    1. They also believe we have been reincarnated many times already. Much of the auditing they pay big bucks for is to take one back into their past lives. Of course all auditing is hypnosis and under hypnosis we can imagine all sorts of things suggested to us. Also a person under hypnosis is much more willing to pre-pay for future auditing sessions ensuring the scam continues.

      The Scientology scam should be taught to everyone in highschool as a perfect example and warning of how religion and psychology can be abused for personal gain.
      Hubbard was an evil genius.

      Everyone should listen to Tori ‘Magoo’ Christman’s lectures on the cult.

      1. Good point. Another devious little perk of the auditing process is that while you’re confessing all your guilty moments, the auditor writes it all down, which makes blackmailing you in the future so much easier…

    2. “We’re suing you for violating the terms of your contract.”
      “I never signed that. It’s from before I was born.”
      “Exactly. Your previous incarnation signed it.”
      “If so, he chose a better organism to be reincarnated when he was reborn- one that wouldn’t fall for that gibberish.”

  2. Amazing. Thanks to the internet, Scientology is progressively being called out for what it is. A farce based on a con. But there’s no doubt some people have benefited; but it might be an exception rather than the rule.

    The best insight I’ve seen so far is this full interview with American actor Jason Beghe who was a practitioner for over ten years:

  3. You could make an argument that such a contract is intrinsically invalid, since nobody of sound mind could possibly sign it.

  4. But is a billion yeas in the long or short scale?
    Does Xenu preffer the french or the english metrics?

  5. Aloha!

    Can a contract like this really be valid. At least one of the parties signing it must be doing so in bad faith, fully aware that the contract will be broken after only a small fraction of the stipulated time.

  6. Well, a billion years is not that much compared to the eternity that Christians sign up for on just as much evidence. Specifying it to an arbitrary billion just makes it seem bigger.

  7. yeah, I’m with Victor G.

    are that one thousand million, 10^9, or a million million, 10^12 ???

    look out for the scam! =)

  8. 1 – Scientology claims to be a religion
    2 – “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”
    3 – Enforcement of agreements is subject to laws.

    Therefore because this is a religious matter, there can’t be any laws that would apply to such an agreement, so there aren’t any laws that can be used to enforce it.


    Sea Org isn’t a religious organization.

  9. I’d sign but I currently stuck in one of Obama’s internment camps.

    Whoops, gotta run; Arts and Crafts is starting.

  10. As if I needed one more reason to be offended by this cult, now here they go and use that moronic term: “as per”. There is simply no need for that “as”.

    To the crazies: omit needless words.

  11. From:

    Millions and millions of years ago there was a Galactic Pastaration, a collective of Extra-Pastarials inhabiting planets throughout the universe.

    However, the Galactic Pastaration was ruled by the evil overlord Linguinu (pron: Lin-Gwee-Noo), an oppressive power-hungry dictator who sought the destruction of anyone who opposed his rule.

    Linguinu imprisoned the Noodlerians who opposed him and brought them to the Earth in a spacecraft that looked very conveniently like a Food Cart with engines capable of hyperspace travel strapped to it.

    He then stacked them all before a large volcano on the Earth and boiled them alive.

    Unfortunately, Linguinu was a terrible cook and overcooked the Noodlerians. To this day their oily essences, what is known as Eatins’ (Eatings) still remain behind trapped in our world and they are the sole cause of all the evils in the world.

    L. Flan Cupboard was the first person to discover these Eatins’ and identify them as the cause of the world’s and mankind’s ills. He also brought forth the plight of the humble Tomatoes whom he claimed he could hear screaming when sliced. He published many more of his spiritual findings in a book aptly called ‘Diuretics’.

    Now, it is possible for these Bad Eatins’ to become Good Eatins’. The first step is being pastaudited with a device known as a Linguin-I-Meter. The Linguini-I-Meter can be used to not only measure one’s levels of Good and Bad Eatins’ but can also be used to rehabilitate these Bad Eatins’.

    Now these Linguin-I-Meter sessions can cost hundreds to thousands of dollars. Remember though, you’re not only getting your Eatins’ measured but rehabilitated and cured as well!

    There are many who will mock those who believe. Do not listen to these SPs (Suppressive Pastas) and stay true to the faith brethren!

  12. No comments from Scientology shill Louanne yet about how the media is conspiring to make Scientologists seem like bat-shit insane cultists?

    1. That’s the scam of the whole system. See, you work for a billion years (American), and you think, “Sweet, my time’s just about up! I can’t wait to do something with the rest of my life!”

      Then they hit you with the news, they’re using the British billion.

      It’s despicable, really, I don’t know why anybody hasn’t stopped them yet.

  13. And just what, pray tell, is “ethical” about “indentured servitude enforced by corporal punishment”?

    Just wunderin’…

    – Snackboy the Gastronomical

  14. Additional fail: Their “coat of arms” is completely in violation of the no-metal-on-metal rule (thus invalid) and their sinister chief device is a rip of the device of the SCA Kingdom of Ansteorra. As a herald, I would interpret their ‘coat of arms’ as “we are incompetent thieves who fly-by-night”.

  15. Isn’t “Being of sound mind” and “I commit myself … for the next Billion Years” mutually exclusive?

    Anf of course I hear Doctor Evil saying, with pinky at corner of mouth, “Billion Years”.

  16. If I understand correctly, the Scientologists believe that we’re all re-incarnated after we die, and that getting “clear” through their practices gives people the ability to choose a better organism to be re-incarnated as when the time comes.

    Important to note that lower-rung Scientologists may not believe that.

  17. Lord Xenu has inspired me to create a sequel to Battlefield Earth. We will begin filming inside of a giant volcano.

  18. Don’t forget that you are going to spend an average of $300,000.00
    for your auditing to find out you made up the whole deal in your mind!
    What a racket!

  19. At the bottom they meant to spell morals but the discipline, MORES and conditions. LOL, that is ok because they misspell things all the time!

    1. Don’t be a MOREon. Mores is not a misspelling of morals. Careless spelling is not one of Scientology’s myriad offenses against anything and everything.

  20. I believe that according to Hubbard the whole Xenu saga took place around a trillion years ago.

    Yeah, trillion. He obviously had no knowledge of science whatsoever.

  21. heh…there are even more documents here:
    Just about everything you could ever want.

    Here is a staff contract (as opposed to Sea Org)

    The docs from February 2010 were released as part of a press conference in Hollywood at the the Center for Inquiry in February 2010 by several ex-scientologists.
    Here are vids for anyone interested:

    And here is a video taken later that day in Gilman Hot Springs (by Hemet) at scientology’s headquarters. They tried to boot off protesters from the limited section they had to protest by an unusual means…

    1. Wow, I’ve been to Gilman Hot Springs (there was a trench dug to look for evidence of an earthquake fault just up the road that I went to see) – I thought it felt like a weird place, and now I know why.

      I mean, most places in the desert (and CA in general) feel weird to me, having come from temperate NY suburbs, but there was something different about Gilman Hot Springs.

  22. @ #35 i.e. getting clear so you can pick a better reincarnation form:

    “Form of Jayna’s tampon!” -Peter Griffin

  23. Had a good enough chuckle that I went back to the article to pull the quote from the recent New Yorker article:

    “The church says that it adheres to “all child labor laws,” and that minors can’t sign up without parental consent; the freeloader tabs are an “ecclesiastical matter” and are not enforced through litigation.”

    Read more

    The “not enforced through litigation” bit is what cracked me up. As if! And as if the Church of Scientology isn’t well versed in litigation, and not completely aware of how such a ‘freeloader’ suit would be received by the court.

  24. I’ve seen NDAs and other IP-related documents that claim to apply in this universe and any others that may exist.

    1. That crap doesn’t even fly in China. I wonder how they expect to make that stick in Universe #392 which is predominantly ruled by a race of foul-tempered Snarglemaws which routinely eat anyone who displeases them.

  25. These one billion years are not British or American, but are a TeeGeeAckian billion years. This is roughly 42 earthly seconds, so don’t panic.

  26. “The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn’t enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.”

Comments are closed.