Pole dancing for Jesus

It's hard to to top the phrase "pole dancing for Jesus" -- I dare you to even try -- because it satisfies so many absolutely awful contemporary needs in just four words. It's the perfect bogus local-news trend story. (I first saw it on Wonkette, but it was picked up from the Fox affiliate in Houston.) It's an SEO bonanza. And it's an awesome name for the next band you never heard of that's suddenly appearing on "Saturday Night Live" for some reason. The fact that it's an actual thing -- there's a class in it at a dance studio in Spring, TX, a northern suburb of Houston, and the newsbabe somberly assures the anchordude that "you have to bring your church program with you in order to get into the class' -- only makes it better. Or worse. Or something. "Tune in," newsbabe tells anchordude, promising him in this teaser segment that she herself will take a few twirls for Jesus in the nine o'clock hour. "We will," anchordude replies, a glittery mix of prurience and ratings-lust in his eyes. Or is that just good old-fashioned religious fervor? it's getting so hard to tell.

• [Ivan R.]

  The amount of hollowness of these people is just overwhelming. I need to play me a Pi song just to calm down from this.

• [Lucifer]

  I’ll take credit for this one thank you.

• [Anonymous]

  “trying to get beyond the stigma of pole dancing being a stripper thing”

  christians would prefer that you forget that pole dancing is associated with the stigma of strippers.

  jesus, meanwhile, would just prefer that you start treating strippers as you’d damn well wish to be treated.

• [spool32]

  Spring, TX is probably the most expensive suburb of Houston… you can pretty well guarantee any oddness happening in Spring is a product of bored bible-belt trophy wives.

  Not that there’s anything wrong with a pole-dancing trophy wife…

  • [benenglish]

    You’re confused.

    Spring is just north of Houston , just south of The Woodlands. The area is frequently referred to as the “Spring/Woodlands area”. It’s easy to conflate the two if you’re not from around here.

    The Woodlands is where there’s valet parking at the mall, the Apple store, the executive conference centers, the overpriced restaurants, the million dollar houses, and the general layout designed to frustrate easy navigation by anyone who’s not already a part of the tribe.

    Spring, however, is the poor cousin where there are nice places, to be sure, but crack is available if you know which street to drive down, Google satellite views clearly show former marijuana patches if you know where to look, and the primary tourist destination is a failed neighborhood of small houses converted into an endless series of crappy little “boutiques”. (See oldtownspring.com.)

    I live in Spring and I have a 2400 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath house with two car detached garage on .25 acres in a very pretty, nicely wooded older subdivision. I’d love to unload it for $90K. That’s how “upscale” we are.

    All that said, I’m surprised that other people find this story surprising. Pole dancing is supposed to be good exercise. Christians believe the body is a temple of God and that we should take good care of it. And Christians also (are supposed to) believe that sexuality is a gift from God to be cherished and enjoyed within the bounds of a committed, lifetime relationship. So nothing about this concept seems particularly odd to me. I guess that’s what comes from being reared by dedicated Christians who were also madly, passionately in love. Let’s just say that I learned at an early age that when it sounds like Mommy and Daddy are moving furniture in their bedroom, it’s best not to open the door.

    I swear, if they’d had this 45 years ago my mom would have been an enthusiastic participant.

• [Nadreck]

  I always liked the T-shirt that reads “Jesus helps me trick people”.

• [dunkyboy]

  i’m stunned that this passes for a ‘news’ programme in america..

  • [IronEdithKidd]

    YouTube is stuffed with jems of this sort. This *is* local news. It is the same drivel in all markets.

• [ashabot]

  More like pole dancing for the minster.

• [Anonymous]

  America! Stop producing children with you cousins.

• [thekinginyellow]

  yay, houston local news! flippin the bird newscaster and now pole dancin fer jesus. i don’t watch tv so it’s always fun to see these highlights from the news.

• [moosehunter]

  as a religion friendly non-religiousperson I look on this really as just another outreach.
  ever heard of the Dervish? Coptics who dance and spin until they see visions (try it, it works)
  or the shakers (a gift to be simple, a shaker song is a Dance tune)

  lots of odd stuff happens in the name of religion,even the pagans had their dances and wild abandons…

  every body has their own way or connecting to the creator,from the Flagellates (pain is divine), the Davidians (pleasure is divine)
  and even the atheists (self sufeciency is divine)

  my point is reallt just this, It may look odd, but any religion looks odd from the outside

  • [Anonymous]

    Copts are the long-established minority Christian population in Egypt. Dervishes are followers of Sufism; a relatively small Muslim minority.

• [OrcOnTheEndOfMyFork]

  As soon as I saw the title, I just knew this had Fox News all over it. And sure enough, there was its logo in the lower right of the video.

• [JohnnyQuest]

  I know that good lead-ins and transitions are hard to write, but:

  “First there was Jesus Juice, now there’s Pole Dancing for Jesus!”

  How the hell do you connect those two things? OK, they both have “Jesus” in the name, but really…?

  Comparing a euphemism for wine used by an (alleged) pedophile with pole dancing for adult women (who have the requisite blue nails and tattoos, but probably won’t take their clothes off for you) is just reaching.

  • [gwailo_joe]

    I’m sure if the news cast guy felt/knew there was a pedophile stigma attached to Jesus Juice he would never have mentioned it.

    Google JJ and get: ice cream (?) and a Michael Jackson song (bingo) before wine is mentioned.

    Also; yeah, it’s a vapid attempt for a chance to show homegirl bust some moves for the cameras, but if PD4J gets stuck up moralistic Christian prudes in touch with their Dionysian selves, what’s the harm? They need all the help they can get.

• [Anonymous]

  This is why interbreeding is a bad thing.

  Just when you think rednecks could not get any dumber, something like this comes along.

• [Anonymous]

  What is the crucifixion if not a scantily-clad pole dancer thwarted in his act by some BDSM involving nails?

• [Daddyology]

  I can just see it now …

  Wife: And where you have been all night?!! You were at that nasty place again, weren’t you?

  Husband: No! I swear!

  Wife: So why do you smell like beer and baby powder?

  Husband: I can explain. You see, I–

  Wife: Don’t you lie to me!

  Husband: But … but honey … I WAS AT CHURCH!

• [Anonymous]

  I hear that Pole Dancing for Jesus was responsible for the traditional “two drink minimum” rule. He kept just bringing in water, and the clubs had to put a stop to that.

• [millrick]

  is this why Christians can’t have nice things?

• [Anonymous]

  Even more frightening is that my mom sent me this before Boingboing did!

• [Anonymous]

  Handjobs For Jesus, Stripping For jesus…….

  “Its not only men she pleases…she’s strippin for Jesus!”

  Ok

• [Darryl]

  Ah, reminds me of Paul Thorn’s classic “Joanie the Jehovah Witness Stripper” (totally SFW, assuming you’ve got headphones.)

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d345hSCoOo0

• [shahid]

  Wait, isn’t that the same reporter that swallowed a bug? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkX6OBnelxw

• [waltisfrozen]

  You think that’s bad, just wait until you see what they do when they hear the term “glory hole”.

• [burritoflats]

  If you’re a true, practicing Christian then EVERYTHING is done in the name of Jesus Christ. I think pole dancing is generally pretty stupid, but this is great. And it’s excellent exercise for the dancer. And it might lead to a place in the Afterlife.

  • [Anonymous]

    Given that Christianity revolves around forgiveness then by definition everyone qualifies for the afterlife.

    Of course the principle of an afterlife is one of the most ludicrous and egotistical beliefs preached by cults (I mean really, it’s just silly), but meh, each to their own.

• [davevontexas]

  On behalf of all of us, I would like to sincerely apologize. I am terribly, terribly sorry.

• [dr.hypercube]

  “It’s hard to to top the phrase “pole dancing for Jesus”"

  Crack-hooring for Christ?

  • [burritoflats]

    “It’s hard to to top the phrase “pole dancing for Jesus”

    “Taking tips for Jesus” is hard to beat also

• [fnc]

  Well I’ll be “tuning in at nine”, if you know what I mean.

• [frankieboy]

  He is risen!

  And blue nail polish does it for me, what can I say? Serious.

• [Anonymous]

  If she wants people to stop thinking of pole dancing as something related to stripping, why are she and her student wearing stripper shoes?

  • [Sally]

    http://www.myfoxhouston.com/dpp/news/local/110316-pole-dancing-for-jesus

    That is the complete story. She says something about the shoes being good for the glutes. The longer video is even more vapid!

• [peterbruells]

  Makes sense, if they want him to rise, I guess.

• [Teller]

  I don’t know why this gets blamed on the Polish people. They didn’t invent it.

• [max]

  I love that quote she reads off: “you know, God doesn’t judge!”
  Last time I checked, isn’t that the only thing he does nowadays?

  • [BookGuy]

    God doesn’t judge Christians. He judges everyone else…and harshly!

    • [Anonymous]

      I think it’d be more accurate to say the laws God has set dole out the judgement/punishment and Jesus forgives his followers after they repent. And then doesn’t have much leniency for everyone else.

• [millie fink]

  That guy’s effort to act appropriately when the hot gal-reporter said she’d be giving it a whirl too is priceless. She even made him stutter.

• [LieutenantAmbiguous]

  I’m going to start a Pole Dancing for Mohammad dance studio. Women are fully naked, except for the dusty blue head covering of a burqa.

• [Anonymous]

  “Not that there’s anything wrong with a pole-dancing trophy wife…”

  Pretty much the only reason I keep showing up at work.

• [thunderhammer]

  It seems odd until you realize that most of the values and opinions of Christians are the direct opposite of Jesus’s teachings.

  • [IronEdithKidd]

    Ah, I’m not the only one to have figured out that modern day mainline American Christians practice projection on an epic scale. I’d like to find a way to manipulate that propensity to be used for good instead of evil.

  • [mccrum]

    Hearing about prosperity gospel stuff always leaves me agape viewing a staggeringly poor reading of Jesus’ teachings. I always thought the Bible had been translated out of Latin so people could actually read it.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosperity_theology

    http://articles.cnn.com/2009-12-25/living/RichJesus_1_jesus-prosperity-gospel-teachings?_s=PM:LIVING

• [aeryn]

  I thought “BONG HiTS 4 JESUS” was pretty inspired, myself. But the Supreme Court disagreed.

• [Mr. Winka]

  This is just the type of hard-hitting journalism that Fox News should be focusing on. They have the kind of credibility and integrity required for a story like this.

  BTW, that student ruined pole dancing for me. Now I can think of pole dancing when I need to get rid of an erection. Thanks for that Jebus!

• [Anonymous]

  This has reality tv show written all over it.