Manifesto Manifesto: a recipe for manifestae

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45 Responses to “Manifesto Manifesto: a recipe for manifestae”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Today, we drink water.

    Today, we enjoy the sensation of dihydrogen monoxide infusing us with life.

    We love this water.

    We love it.

    Our thirst for far too long has gone unquenched and though for that reason we have become stronger

    It.

    Will.

    End.

    We will end this suffering in the desert of dehydration.

    By satisfying our desire for drink.

    By refusing to refrain from liquids.

    By quenching our thirst.

    And then we shall glory and exult in the blissful radiance of our greatest dreams realized in which our tribulations end and we see that all along it was within our power to reach out and take this Elixir of Life which was waiting for us from the very beginning of time.

    TELESCOPE.

  2. Anonymous says:

    i think someone should give props to the writer of this:

    http://www.kimmok.com/514799/THE-MANIFESTO-MANIFESTO

  3. Anonymous says:

    Today, we commence our retrofitted political event.

    Today we continue the tradition of our forefathers, in that we are uppermiddleclass, comfortable, coddled even by first world standards, and yet demand more.

    Like our forefathers, we will dress up like fat, whitewashed Americans.

    Because we are.

    Today we will show the nation our collective power against the power of collectivism (no pun intended). Today, like pseudo-literature from the angsty tween section of the bookstore,

    We.

    Will.

    Shrug.

    Today we show society who impedes societal progress, who drives the nicer cars, who owns the world (as if there was any doubt).

    By ceasing to be published in open forums about politics.

    By holding mispelled signs.

    By meaningless gestures.

    As the engine of the world winds down, people will recognize our greed. They beg to lick from our trough. They will ask for marginally higher taxes. And we will tell them:

    Angsty.

  4. lknope says:

    We tell you to look at bananas.

    We tell you to look at them!

    Look at that banana.

    Just look.

    A banana hammock cannot exist without a banana or a hammock
    and a banana will not peel itself but you must ponder the existence of
    the banana while looking at it.

    Look.

    At.

    It.

    Just look at it.

    At the banana.

    At that banana.

    At it.

    You cannot understand how awesome a banana is until you look
    at the banana.

    Absolute.

  5. Highrider says:

    Duh.. King’s Speech anyone?

  6. Teller says:

    Once, manifestos were lengthy essays that informed, empowered and inspired.

    Once.

    Today, the manifesto has evolved.

    Transformed.

    Crystallized.

    Into the Minifesto.

    Bite-sized phrases tapped out like a pair of clicking stiletto heels rushing across a smooth concrete floor to open the door for a world of ten-second attention spans.

    Instead of informing, they infer.

    Instead of empowering, they impugn.

    Instead of inspiring, they incite.

    We are in a time when home-built robots can be fashioned to tag the garage doors of a sleeping nation with the power of a single word.

    Minifesto.

  7. cellocgw says:

    A challenge to all:

    Write a document which satisfies all the Manifesto Rules while simultaneously being a sequence of valid haiku.

  8. petertrepan says:

    Ordinary rant
    Wears the clothes of rhetoric
    Seeking adoption

  9. oculus says:

    Just look at this Banana Manifesto.

    Just look at it.

    A thing of yellow beauty.

    Atheist’s nightmare.

    The common name for herbaceous plants of the genus Musa and for the fruit they produce

    Hide.

    Deadly.

    Tarantulas.

    Even if, yes, we have no–

    Off the bunch.

    Off the boat.

    Off the produce stand in the Sunday Market.

    Then we can still dream of shining peels to slip on, of gleaming cases, of clever ways to disrobe them, of luscious deserts and starchy side-dishes…

    Look.

  10. patch615 says:

    We can even use it for realish manifesti,
    E.G.

    Tomorrow we can overcome
    Tomorrow, we can take back that which we have lost in the inexorable flow of time.
    It is time for us to act
    and act well
    The chains of oppression have been on us too long, and the freedoms we claim to have are held back by the corporations and governments that run our little hopeless lives
    We
    Must
    Fight
    Back
    We can win this battle by taking into our own hands the means of production, the little acts of rebellion we can create simply by making something of our own.
    By being self sufficient
    By making what we need rather than buying it
    By relying on ourselves rather than industry
    This is the era of the maker, of the self made man, of not the great inventor, but the great inventing masses, of the men and women of this country, and this very world, taking into their hands hammers, and soldering irons, and computer chips, and tools of their own creation. This is a new renaissance. it will not be a government, or an industry which creates the newest ideas of import, it will be us, because we are, in biology, psychology, and technology

    Makers.

  11. Prufrock451 says:

    Today, we will peel a banana.
    Today, all of humanity will see and hear us eat that banana.
    Bananas make no noise, they say.
    They are wrong.
    Because while a banana makes no noise while being eaten by a person with no passion in a world that makes sounds though vibrations in air:
    Sound.
    Is.
    Within.
    Just look at this banana.
    Because you already see it.
    Because it is here, and it is yours.
    Because if you see it: You can hear it.
    And what you are hearing is the sound of something that you cannot hear: the joy of a banana being enjoyed, the joy of something that cannot and should not be explained but is still the sum of one person’s happiness, an innocence that sings through even when the world laughs.
    Friday.

  12. d15724c710n says:

    Kumquat is a tree.

    Kumquat is a fruit.

    It’s sensible.

    To say that Kumquat is a word that makes absolutely no sense is to say that dogs walk

    Backwards.

    We.

    Say.

    Nay.

    Let us not be anti-fruit bigots

    By saying that Kumquat is a word that makes no sense.

    By saying that Kumquat is a word that makes absolutely no sense.

    By saying that any name of fruit makes no sense.

    It is up to us to make the world a better place so let us start by acknowledging this simple, this self-evident yet demonstrable truth, that names of fruit cannot be said to make absolutely no sense.

    Sdrawkcab.

  13. Aloisius says:

    We will be shackled no longer.

    We do not deserve the treatment that is shown to us.

    There is no reason.

    There can be only one solution to our treatment at the hands of our unjust masters.

    Snowboarding.

    Without.

    End.

    We will show

    How epic it is.

    How exhilarating.

    How stoked.

    And at the end of our triumphant winter wonderland expedition where we have melded our souls with nature, our minds will crystallize on just one pure idea.

    Scrimshaw.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Matchbox cars are worthy of a manifesto.
    Matchbox cars were a phenomenal influence on my childhood and those I grew up with.
    They were fantastically entertaining.
    Great fun.
    They not only moulded my understanding of Newtonian motion but drove me to strive to seek my place in society as a proponent of all they offered.
    Matchbox.
    Fucking.
    Cars.
    You could throw them and they’d smack something.
    Besides which, without them, I’d have been close to lost.
    Besides which I’d now be a lesser man.
    Besides my accomplishments (few),Besides my victories (bittersweet), Besides my sense of purpose (unerring).
    These unlikely nuggets of metally joy turn my wasted youth towards a glorious potential of someday becoming a somebody, so I applied myself and after years of struggle changed my first name to Dale, my last name is known to all.

    Earnhardt.

  15. Snig says:

    Yes, we have no bananas.

    Yes, we have no bananas, today.

    Yes we have.

    No Bananas.

    I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts there they are all standing in a row.

    Yes.

    I.

    Have.

    No Bananas.

    We have no Bananas.

    We have no Bananas.

    We have no Bananas.

    It was just after dark when the truck started down the hil that leads into Scranton Pennsylvania carryying thirty thousand pounds of Bananas carrying thirty thousand pounds hit it Big John of Bananas.

    Profit!

  16. Anonymous says:

    kumquat is a real word. -_-’

  17. 052499 says:

    Toenail polish is an important accessory for smartly-dressed women.

    Women who care about the future of our species will consistently apply toenail polish.

    Toenail polish-wearing women appear more sexually attractive to others.

    They get laid a lot.

    And even though a percentage of toenail polish-wearing women are having hot sex with other toenail polish-wearing women, still, some percentage of toenail polish-wearing women will have sex with the opposite sex and by some margin of fantastical calculus and magical statistical reckoning, some of them should be ovulating.

    Conception.

    Pregnant.

    Babies.

    Our species can be perpetuated.

    By toenail polish-wearing women.

    By their initiative.

    By their effort.

    So you can see that by a small sacrifice, toenail polish-wearing women are an important factor in the perpetuation of the species, even though their contributions have thus far been virtually ignored by the media and congress and the man on the street, all of whom should really know better, because, honestly, planetary overpopulation does not simply happen by accident.

    TOENAIL POLISH!

  18. j9c says:

    Somehow, I can’t get the William Shatner’s voice reading the text of “How to Write a Manifesto” out of my head when I read the damn thing. “Bones!

    I.

    Want.

    Answers.”

  19. Lobster says:

    The Banana Manifesto is pretty good but I think I still prefer the Kumquat Manifesto.

  20. PaulR says:

    Came here, hoping to see “First Post!”…

    /sigh

    Posting a link to the canonical version of this:
    http://consc.net/misc/moser.html

    //old, but still good.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Dear Friends,
    We have seen our share of dirty tricks from the other side of the aisle, but this latest attack is the most shameless one yet.
    The other party wants to demean our very way of life.
    We are good-natured, open-minded, right-thinking folks.
    Yes, I’m talking about people like you.
    And me.
    And Dan, the fireman.
    But with their latest salvo against freedom, the other party has crossed a sacred boundary, and people like you and me and Dan must draw a line in the sand and say:
    Not. This. Time.
    Please help me, and Dan, fight against their dirty tricks by donating just ten dollars a month. Or twenty, if you are the kind of person who truly understands the kind of struggle we’re up against this time.
    We will beat them!

  22. sapere_aude says:

    I don’t know why; but for some reason this post reminded me of Peter Sellers’s “Party Political Speech”:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxBtGuu9BVE

  23. kpkpkp says:

    Inflammable!

  24. blackbrain says:

    Is your wife a goer, eh?

    Is your wife a goer, eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

    Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. Know what I mean?

    Bet she does, I bet she does.

    Follow me. Follow me. I like that. That’s good. A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?

    Say.

    No.

    More.

    Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?

    Purley, say no more.

    Purley, eh?

    Purley, Know what I mean, know what I mean.

    Who isn’t, eh? Know what I mean. Likes games, likes games. Knew she would. Knew she would. Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She’s been around, eh? Been around?

    SCARSDALE.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Friday is here.

    Friday is the day for getting down.

    We’ve gotta get down on Friday.

    We must.

    Time is ticking on and on, and we all are rushing, we strive to catch this bus and find ourselves amongst ourselves the selves we call our friends.

    Fun.

    Partying.

    Yeah.

    We look forward to the weekend.

    By wanting time to fly

    By thinking about fun

    By knowing it

    Because today is Friday we are launched forward through dimensions of space and time to Saturday and then comes Sunday after so many hours of time that pass through us.

    Autotune

  26. Anonymous says:

    Facebook links are mindless.
    Facebook links are a way for mindless people to share mindless Internet meanderings.
    OK I’m really just jerking you around here.
    Really, I am
    It’s just that I seem to relate well to few of the many FB links I run into on a daily basis.
    Few.
    Daily.
    Really.
    Just a few of the many I run across.
    And I run across quite a few.
    They come daily.
    Now, don’t just go and stop posting these links because I count on having the few that DO mean something when the connection is made (after all of those that don’t live up to the hopes and wishes that I have for them) to keep my addled brain active, informed and young!

    WOOL!

    a farnham

  27. blackbrain says:

    Bananas, they have radiation.

    Bananas, they have radioactive potassium on it.

    Yes, they are goddamn radioactive.

    You can bet on it.

    People are freaking out in Brasil about goddamn radiation clouds from the opposite side of the goddamn globe while eating this bloody fruit.

    Radioactive.

    Tropical.

    Fruit.

    People here in Brasil eat it by the boatloads all their entire bloody lives.

    Inside cakes.

    Inside pies.

    Inside even goddamn nigirizushi.

    But, because shitty brasilian media follows the slightly less shitty american media in everything, we have people panicking about goddamn radiation in the exactly opposite side of the world from Japan, the bloody exactly opposite side of the globe, 12 hours time zone difference, holy crap, you can’t have more time zone difference than that.

    NANOSIEVERTS.

  28. sworm says:

    Today is Friday

    Today it’s Friday, Friday.

    Gotta get down on Friday

    Gettin’ down on Friday.

    Kickin’ in the front seat, sittin’ in the back seat and I’ve gotta make my mind up which seat can I take?

    Fun.

    Friday.

    Partyin’.

    You know what it is.

    To the bus stop, gotta get down.

    To the weekend, everybody’s lookin’ forward.

    To the weekend, looking forward.

    Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me which makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream and I check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend and we gonna have fun.

    Oooohoohhooyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah

    (Copyright 2011)

  29. petertrepan says:

    Today, we commence our Tea Party.

    Today we continue the tradition of our forefathers, who protested against taxation without representation, by protesting any taxation whatsoever.

    Like our forefathers, we will dress up like Native Americans.

    Because we are.

    Today we will show the nation our collective power against the power of collectivism. Today, like Atlas,

    We.

    Will.

    Shrug.

    Today we show society who drives progress, who drives the economy, who owns the world.

    By ceasing to blog about politics.

    By closing our small businesses for the day.

    By boycotting NPR.

    As the engine of the world winds down, people will recognize our worth. They will ask for our guidance. They will ask for our wisdom. And we will tell them.

    A equals A

  30. IWood says:

    I really like it here.

  31. Anonymous says:

    ¡Metafesto!

  32. zume says:

    When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another.

    When it becomes necessary for one people to assume the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them.

    They should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are.

    Life.

    Liberty.

    The Pusuit of Happiness.

    The King of Great Britain has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation.

    For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

    For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

    For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

    We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be

    Free

    (Jefferson’s original with “property” rather than “the pursuit of happiness” would work better, but confuse)

  33. Anonymous says:

    today we apaly cook and consume the flesh of an aminmal.

    today, we tell vegans to eat pork and die.

    we prepare and eat meat.

    with glowing flames.

    there will be marinade or brine; there will be rubbing, deep thorough rubbing and and some pounding; there will be open flames, flare ups, and burns.

    animals.

    are.

    tasty.

    by searing, grilling, and roasting on a spit.

    by oven roasting to finish.

    by shoveling with glee into our bellies.

    and then we shall all know and share with all the glory, the pleasure, and the deliciousness that is the proteins of the dead bodies of the creatures of the world great and small, and our battle cry shall be:

    spoon!

  34. zume says:

    Correction: Jefferson replaced Locke’s “property” with “pursuit of happiness”.

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