A spate of mysterious crimes carried out by ninjas has left Pittsburghers annoyed and confused.
In the latest event, a sword-wielding ninja smashed 11 cars in South Union Township, PA. and tried to stab a man who confronted him, say police. Santino Guzzo said he heard glass breaking, found the ninja hiding in a yard, and was cut in the hand during the ensuing ninja escape.
"He was like a gazelle that just got attacked by a lion," Guzzo told the Pittsburgh Trib
. "He got up and fell, and got up and fell. Then he jumped off a cliff."
Guzzo reported that he "did not move with the grace typically associated with a ninja" and that he therefore "will not live in fear of the ninja's return."
WTAE news, quoting neighbor Chelsey Cunningham, said the ninja also left behind "like, a fifth of liquor
A few weeks ago in Scottdale, PA, a man was charged with child endangerment after leaving his 4-year old child at home alone
. Police insist that Ross Hurst, 28, was dressed in ninja garb when approached. Hurst denies being a ninja and says it was all a misunderstanding.
"I wasn't playing ninja," Hurst told WPXI news. "I wasn't playing anything. I went out for a jog."
Not long ago, two sword-wielding ninjas robbed a gas station in Richland Township, PA, taking with them cash, cigarettes and lottery tickets.
"It did appear they were dressed like ninjas," said local police chief Robert Amman. Local businessman Rick Lekki reported that it happened just across from his bar.
"It's shocking. Things like that just don't happen out here. I just can't believe it happened," Lekki told a local news affilliate
, narrowing his eyes as a menacing, discordant note escaped an unseen shakuhachi flute.
Glad to see that our nation’s capital hasn’t been completely gentrified, and retains some of the utlraviolent grit I remember from the streets in the 1980s.
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