Smurfette advertising things now

Oh my God. If you needed final, definitive notice that The Smurfs is going to be horrifying even by the standards of 3D-animated remakes of 1980s cartoons that were not as good as you remembered anyway, here you go! Smurfette is advertising Marc Jacobs-esque fare, neither within the price range of mortals nor haute enough to be ironic or actually cool. Thank you, Harpers Bazaar and Sony! She does look pretty smurfy in Vuitton, though.

• [mlp]

  Belgium will be able to supply most of Western Europe’s electricity demand for the rest of this year if they can just harness the kinetic energy of Peyo spinning in his grave.

• [Anonymous]

  I just died a little on the…um…well everywhere, actually.

• [Antinous / Moderator]

  Cocaine is a helluva drug.

• [Jack]

  Has Tina Brown seen this yet? We need to see what zombie Princess Diana would look like in an outfit like this.

• [IWood]

  So…is she, you know…pink…anywhere?

  • [Jack]

    How much you want to make a bet some “Brazilian” waxing double-entendre joke is going to be slyly made in the film
    Smurf 1: “Smurf out! The only place to land is a patch of bushes on that Smurfing mound!”
    Smurf 2: “Who will be able to land this Smurfing plan on a such a small, bushy strip?”
    [Smurfette Enters the Cockpit]
    Smurfette: “No landing strip is too small for Smurfette!”

• [Anonymous]

  I’d smurf it.

• [Rob Beschizza]

  There is real horror in the branding of this, co-opted by cynicism here but always superficial, presented as a scientifically-precise evil hypnotist neotenous psychosexual cutemare. This is tomorrow’s unachievable standard for your future dysmophism-afflicted daughters, its only redeeming factor being that it is at least far weirder than the current models.

• [Anonymous]

  Expect the porn version in 3… 2… 1…

  • [Antinous / Moderator]

    There’s already smurf porn. Just google it.

    • [Mister44]

      Horrors that can not be unseen in 3… 2… 1…

• [Anonymous]

  I smell cosplay, amirite?

  Rob is spot on, but everyone knows blue pussy is best, eh?

  I weep for the children…

• [dolo54]

  The look in her eyes, “I’m better than you because I’m wearing a 3D model of a $2000 hat”. That’s pretty despicable, but also hilarious.

• [GeekMan]

  This is definitely in my top five list of the most horrible things I’ve ever been exposed to by BoingBoing.

  Blue Meanies chaser?

  • [6Degrees0fJohnLaw]

    I rather fancy a repeated kick in the groin, or a hot poker shoved in my eye than look upon Smurfette Hilton ever fuckin again

• [bocomo]

  “…scientifically-precise evil hypnotist neotenous psychosexual cutemare.”

  What a terrific phrase! You just made my day

  • [Kimmo]

    “…scientifically-precise evil hypnotist neotenous psychosexual cutemare.”

    What a terrific phrase! You just made my day

    Yeah, that was pretty impressive : )

• [benher]

  The upshot? At least now Anglo-Americans can stop calling the Japanese Kee-razy with a Kapital “K.”
  Welcome to life beyond the pale!

• [Mister44]

  The raping of my childhood is now complete.

• [Victor Drath]

  aaaahhAAAAHHH! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?! This is not right. :( I loved the Smurfs and they should not be naughty looking and… selling luxury goods!

• [knoxblox]

  Am I the only one who sees a blue Helen Mirren in the picture?

• [adonai]

  It’s like Peyo, George Lucas and Candace Bushnell had a horrible, horrible baby.

• [Anonymous]

  What happened to her feet? Smurf feet won’t fit in those boots without cutting off the sides and letting the disfigured remainder drip down to the toe. This makes it look like she has (compressed) human feet, which is also horrific because she has no knees.

• [Jake0748]

  What’s a Smurf? Seriously. Never got it, never cared about it. Am I alone in my not-caringness? Yeah, I’m old, but you don’t have to get off my lawn. You’re welcome to hang out there.

• [blueelm]

  That was seriously one of my least favorite cartoons as a kid. I dreaded that show. So this just makes me laugh and laugh.

• [DoctressJulia]

  Ew. Rape culture.

  • [Anonymous]

    And maybe culture rape.

• [Anonymous]

  Since I actively hated the smurfs when growing up I have to admit feeling something pleasing, I don’t know how to describe this feeling it isn’t exactly schadenfreude but something close to it.

  damn, it’s times like this I wish I were german.

  • [Sylvester McMonkey McBean]

    @ Anon # 20 — I believe the word you’re looking for is Smurfenfreude

    Seems like I’ve been seeing previews for this dreadful-looking merchandizapalooza for a year now. My deepest, most sincere hope is that it is a box office catastrophe– that everyone who feels the tug of nostalgia will stay home. The worst thing you can do is hand over your money to those who cynically want to cash in on something beloved. They will gladly take your money coming and going. Trust me, I know something about this.

• [Sarah Neptune]

  VOMIT
  This is hideous. I detested the smurfs as a kid and feel the same now. That image is so fucking hideous.

  …little excrescences,* they are…
  *by which I mean excreted waste
  If this is libelous please delete I don’t want to go to jail for smurfs
  I’m leaving this room now

• [wmbozarth]

  Smurf that Smurfing Smurf. That Smurf is going to be a real piece of Smurf.

• [Sork]

  Why is she wearing Mario’s hat?

• [Anonymous]

  How could anybody think that was a good idea?
  The movie itself was a horrible idea, but that? I mean, the editors of Harpers were sitting in their conference room, one of them say: “Hey, I have an idea! We take CGI-Smurfette from the new awesome “Smurfs” movie and dress her up in fashionable accessoirs! It will be soooo funny and cute!” and NOBODY tells him that his idea sucks balls? The normal reaction of ANY reasonable human beeing would be “Shut up, Frank! (lets call him Frank) This is a terrible idea! Even worse than CGI-Scooby Doo with Tommy Hilfinger clothes! I swear, one more sh!tty idea like that and you can pack your bags and leave!” That would be my reaction, and I consider myself a mostly reasonable human beeing. So why are they doing this? WHY? WWWHHHYYY???

• [Angryjim]

  Ive noticed this a lot with these CGI movies. They look horrifying, and I know exactly why now. When you add realistic eyes in the middle of a cartoon face it just looks creepy. I think this is the precise reason clowns are so scary. They look cartoony, and then they have these beady, hyper-real, bloodshot looking eyes that are emphasized by the cartoon face in general. Well say what you will about the smurfs in general but Peyo made some nice character designs. These CGI things are a terrifying corruption of that. Case in point. Look at this side by side:
  http://angryjim.com/storage/horrifyingsmurf.jpg

  • [bfarn]

    You’ve nailed it. It’s those bedroom eyes that make her so creepy and hypersexualized. Even more so than the smurf-me boots.

    I’m no prude, but seriously – why is every CG children’s character so slutty these days? Who are they marketing to? And how is it ok?

    • [Brainspore]

      One of the previews I saw (through no fault of my own) showed her doing the Marilyn Monroe vent-up-the-skirt thing from “The Seven Year Itch.” I don’t even want to know who that was intended to appeal to.

• [Anonymous]

  Papa Smurf done smurfed her out good.

• [Brainspore]

  I love the idea of putting beloved animated characters from a classic children’s cartoon in a fish-out-of-water comedy set in the “real” world. That’s why I went out and bought the platinum Blu-Ray editions of “Rocky & Bullwinkle”, “Enchanted”, “Elf”, “Fat Albert”, “Alvin & The Chipmunks” and “Yogi Bear”. It’s also why the attendant won’t let me have sharp objects anymore.