HOWTO make superhero garden gnomes

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6 Responses to “HOWTO make superhero garden gnomes”

  1. dccarles says:

    There are days when I think BoingBoing is deliberately attempting self-parody.

    Oddly enough, these are the days I like it best.

  2. MacBookHeir says:

    im looking for bondage gnome “how to” directions

    • dccarles says:

      Actually, you are fortunate. This happens to be one of my hobbies. Here is the method I use:

      1) Use a steel no-kill rat trap to capture the gnome you will use as a model. I use the Victor Incarcerator 120. Victor has a few other traps available on their web site but none, I am afraid, are specialized for gnomes. As a tip, wild mushrooms make good bait.

      2) Once you have captured a gnome, pour a few inches of wet potters #1 plaster into a disposable bucket roughly. It should be large enough to hold a gnome in the desired pose /lying on its side/ with a few inches clearance in every direction. Wait until the plaster begins to firm up a little.

      3) Open the trap only a little ways before reaching in to grab the gnome. Do not listen to any offers of pots of gold in ransom – that’s leprechauns, not gnomes.
      Grip them firmly about the body: if you grab him by the suspenders he can escape and wreak terrible revenge. I made this mistake once and three months later my garden was full of slugs! Also, I have testicle cancer.

      4) Chloroform your gnome to subdue it. Typical LD50 is about 900 milligrams per kilogram, but there’s no need to use anywhere near that much. At this stage I advise you to take a picture of your gnome for colour reference. It will be helpful for painting later.

      5) Strip, dress and bind your gnome to taste. Coat in mould release – WD-40 works, but water-based mould releases are best for the environment. Do whatever you like for the clothes; I usually put them on my cat, who hates it, but it is REALLY cute!!!

      6) Lay your unconscious gnome in the wet plaster in the bucket in the desired pose, pushing the gnome about halfway into the wet plaster. Make sure you will be able to open the mould! Then, put sheets of old newspaper around the gnome, all the way out to the edge of the bucket – two layers. Be sure the edge of the newspapers you put down follow the gnome’s outline as well as possible.

      7) Pour in the rest of the plaster on top of the bound gnome and paper. Your gnome will quickly suffocate, which makes wasting valuable chloroform unnecessary. Just be sure to use enough that they don’t wake up unless you want a very ‘naturalistic’ effect.

      8) Allow the plaster to dry. It will heat up (it is an exothermic chemical reaction) and do not cut away the bucket until the plaster is well cooled.

      9) Cut away the bucket. You now should have two halves of a plaster cast to make reproductions of your prize! Dispose of the gnome corpse with any of your favourite gnome-corpse-disposal methods – I have a homemade trebuchet and fling them into the yard of the primary school next door.

      There is of course plenty more – painting your reproduction gnomes is an art all in itself – but this should get you started.

      –Devin Carless

      • MacBookHeir says:

        “This happens to be one of my hobbies. Here is the method I use:”

        Thanks for the detailed instructions, but maybe I should have made myself more clear.
        I’m looking for “how to” instructions on how to persuade a gnome to perform bondage rituals on others, specifically on “non-gnomes” who enjoy that sort of thing. For instance, is an average gnome able to pick up and utilize a full-size human whip? Are gnomes allergic to real leather, etc – thanks!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Batgnome and Robgnome – we need you in Gnomesville, Western Australia!

    Once a year, the dreaded young “Giants” tear into town and destroying everything. You could team up with the local Bikies to restore peace to our quite little village. You could be heroes to the thousands of Gnomes who live in our village!

    http://bit.ly/r3qm6y (Google Image Search for “Gnomesville”)

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