HOWTO "safely" cover your body with squirming, gorging raccoons

Vice profiles the efforts of one woman to "snuggle" with a bunch of feral raccoons, a feat she accomplished by donning a protective suit of material she judged thick enough to fend off rabid scratches and bites, then covering this suit with rotting food to attract a head-to-toe blanket of living, gorging raccoons.

2 As the old saying goes, the best way to get raccoons to swarm over your body is to think like a raccoon. And since eating is on their mind 80 percent of the time (the other 20 percent is divided between sex and taking dumps), there’s no better lure than food. The good news is that raccoons aren’t picky eaters; their diet is extremely diverse and includes nuts, seeds, fruit, eggs, insects, frogs, crayfish, and anything that happens to be lying—or crawling—around. Of course, city coons find decomposing human food to be mighty tasty, so open your fridge and look for nasty pizza, rotten fruits and veggies, and whatever else your lazy fucking roommate forgot to throw out three months ago. Put the grossness in a well-sealed bag and head down to wherever the raccoons hang out in your town.

Snuggling Up with a Bunch of Feral Raccoons Is Easy and Fun (via Kottke)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

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virtual human

Yeah, taking dumps laden with Baylisascaris procyonis =/
Guest

If you love raccoons more than you hate being covered in offal, why not?
Aaron Hodges

Shot by Kern (the raccoons).
- http://twitter.com/MrAaronSwainEsq Aaron Swain
  
  Why am I not fucking surprised.
  Wait….shouldn’t she be naked?
joeposts

And since eating is on their mind 80 percent of the time (the other 20 percent is divided between sex and taking dumps)

Amazing, isn’t it? They’re so much like us.
- digi_owl
  
  My thinking exactly…
SHeadius

There’s only one real question here… WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS!?
Vujade_Entertainment

This is the kind of thing that you file under “Not A Good Idea”.
Just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean that you should.
BarBarSeven

What are the raccoons goals with this occupation? Why don’t they have a clear & simple message??!?!?!
Rob Gehrke

I’m looking for the sexual perversion here, it’s eluding me (maybe there isn’t one). Anyone want to help?
- http://jerzygirl45.wordpress.com/ Jerzygirl45
  
  I don’t think there is one. Now if she were covered in beavers …
- solstice2005
  
  As Groucho Marx, once said, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!”
Bionicrat

Am I the only one instantly replacing the raccoons with zombies?
Diodeus

Roundworm lives here.
http://twitter.com/radiorev radioreview.us

Rob- It’s an allegory for sado-masochistic bondage. Notice the duct tape + spread legs and some of them are wearing masks.
- Rob Gehrke
  
  radioreview.us – well…
  
  I’m not so sure it’s just an “allegory” though ; there must be some sort of interest here – the word “snuggle” is operative here.
  
  “coon smitten” is in the original article also. I mean, c’mon…
  This is all something observers may well be projecting onto the thing rather than any sentiments felt by participants.
  
  “coon smitten” !!!
SCAQTony

There is a huge rabies risk – more than 1/3-of rabies-infections in the United States come from raccoons. [wiki raccoons]
Mike Noordijk

Are there non-feral racoons?
- http://twitter.com/ChrisPerriman Chris Perriman
  
  Feral means animals that used to be captive or domesticated but have returned to a wild state. So yes, most wild Raccoons (including these ones, I couldn’t see any mention in the article of them being released/escaped pets) are non-feral.
  - sandersfamily4
    
    Thank you! I was wondering why they used this term and how would they KNOW that they are feral.
- mattolejack
  
  Technically there are NO feral raccoons. Feral means a domesticated animal which has ‘gone’ wild, meaning either it or it’s ancestors ran away into the woods. So you can have feral pigs or horses or hamsters, but not caribou or raccoons.
  - Donald Petersen
    
    …or feral kids.
    - Antinous / Moderator
      
      I’ve always felt bitterly disappointed that he didn’t marry Newt.
  - Beanolini
    
    Technically there are NO feral raccoons.
    
    Not even escaped/released pets (as in Japan)? Or escapees from fur farms (as in some parts of Europe)?
    
    Soon the whole of mainland Europe will be covered by Hermann Goering’s Nazi raccoons.
    - Antinous / Moderator
      
      Heh. That seems so appropriate. The article even mentions attics as latrines.
http://www.mrericsir.com MrEricSir

So there is something weirder than a crazy cat lady!
John Burnett

Why isn’t she nude covered in their bloody corpses?
digi_owl

I have no idea why, but i find racoons to be cute looking.
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  I have no idea why, but i find racoons to be cute looking.
  
  You live someplace that doesn’t have any? The cute goes away when they eat the walls off your house or breed in the attic and pee through the ceiling.
  - humansaretheproblem
    
    Do you live in a shantytown or what? I live in an area with raccoons, but have yet to have one pee on my ceiling or eat my walls.
    - Antinous / Moderator
      
      Lucky you. They’re very destructive. And the shantytown was the Sunset District of San Francisco.
      - Donald Petersen
        
        I have some currently contesting domicile rights in my 1909 Craftsman right here in the untamed wilds of Northwest Pasadena, CA. About a mile away from JPL.
        
        I still think they’re cute (cuter than cats, at any rate), but still varmints who had best get to steppin’. Their squatting days above my back porch are numbered in the single digits right now.
      - http://www.mrericsir.com MrEricSir
        
        The raccoons in the Mission are worse — I’ve seen them walk down the street and into my building’s alley in broad daylight.
      - Antinous / Moderator
        
        The Mission would be the ideal environment. Lots of restaurant dumpsters. I lived ~ fifty feet from GG Park, which is a sort of wildlife reservoir and base camp for raccoons, possums, etc.
      - digi_owl
        
        Protesters? (sorry, i just had to)
  - digi_owl
    
    Closest thing we have around my part of the world (tho i hear them are breeding like crazy further south) are badgers…
    - John Delaney
      
      MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!
      - digi_owl
        
        SNAKE SNAKE! (why did it have to be snakes?!)
  - solstice2005
    
    Then, don’t live there! Go live in city centers… there are still a few there much fewer and they do not climb to the 5th floor!…
  - CharredBarn
    
    That’s why you gotta cover yourself in food, and watch all that cute coming right back again!
theophrastvs

It’s “art” dammit, art …!

So if any of those cute fuzzy wuzzies go for her eyeballs then her camera-man picks em off with his glock? …and thus instant (albeit a bit more angst ridden) additional art? (win-win)
Allison McGurk

I had no idea racoons were so big! I always thought they were little things, about kitten-sized, not like big enormous dogs. Crikey!
Hubris Sonic

Sense, this post makes none.
voiceinthedistance

Pulled from the original story:

“4 One comestible raccoons seem to find yucky, however, is broccoli. Use their aversion to your aesthetic and protective advantage by surrounding danger zones (i.e., your junk) with appropriate amounts of the leafy green stuff.”

Surely this tip has broader applications than just raccoon snuggling provides. For a rather twisted young lady she is most appealing, but I’d stop at the raw broccoli myself.

There may be a marketable product to be found here, if anyone wants to develop panties with built in broccoli clips.
- jason gilbert
  
  Broccoli is better raw.
i_prefer_yeti

Coonin’ = the new planking.
- jason gilbert
  
  cooning is awesome. planking was always sillylame.
koko szanel

Racoons and garbage? SO HOT RIGHT NOW

http://cdn2.hark.com/images/000/389/122/389122/original.jpg
blueelm

I love them. They are so freaking cute! But they totally will eat a hole in your wall. They’re big to, so if they get into your house they take nice big dumps your crawlspaces and if your live traps fail or upset them they may get trapped somewhere in your house. You won’t know where until the putrid stench of death overwhelms you. So, cute, but definitely bad news if they decide to move in.

I’ve known people who domesticate them, but they’re smart and can open cabinets etc.
Ramone

The dream…you are living it!
http://twitter.com/michaelsayyes michael b

mmmkay. We had baby raccoons as pets growing up, a couple of fox pups too, but….cute until they hit adolescence and get seriously pissed at you. Wondering why the term “feral” is used. I suppose it makes it more exciting to behold. ”Look at those raccoons climbing all over that crazy lady.” or “Look at all those feral raccoons climbing all over that crazy lady”. Clearly the latter grabs the attention and imagination of the masses.
- Guest
  
  or, in this case, as was the point, the attention and imagination of one lady.
http://twitter.com/AndresRDF Andres Rozada

Why? This is something i’d expect to find elsewhere, maybe in Vice or so, but not in BoingB..
rattypilgrim

this photo is suspect to me. Doesn’t it look like both pant legs just above the boots seem to be flat and conform to the edge of the rock beneath them? Also, the raccoons in my neighborhood are constantly fighting amongst themselves, screeching, and clawing. At some point this woman would find herself in the middle of one of those episodes, that is if they didn’t tear her apart first.
http://www.youtube.com/user/PipLagenta Pip_R_Lagenta

I have been observing the psychology of the raccoons that come into my house through the catdoor to eat the catfood. I have watched them for several years now. They are “determined” while seeking the food. They are “focused” while eating their food. They are “relaxed” after they have eaten their fill of food. The skunk that that comes into my house through the catdoor shows a different psychological pattern.
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  In my last house, I put food outside for the feral cats. It was interesting that cats, raccoons, roadrunners and cactus wrens all seemed able to share the same space without any kind of conflict. Of course, a house cat would feel compelled to defend the homeplace. Or at least pretend to.
  - Donald Petersen
    
    Of course, a house cat would feel compelled to defend the homeplace. Or at least pretend to.
    
    You’d think so, but our late cats would cower in terror under the sofa as the raccoons unlatched the cat door, sauntered through the laundry room into the pantry, gobbled the Meow Mix in the bowls, tore open the bag for a bit more, daintily washed their hands in the drinking water, farted in the felines’ general direction, then departed when they damn well felt like it.
    
    But then, one of these cats was ancient and tenderhearted (for a cat), and the other was mistrustful of bugs, footsteps, light breezes, running water, light places, dark places, small children, her own shadow, sudden noises, dogs, other cats, and vermin. Other than that she was the picture of self-confidence.
  - digi_owl
    
    No Coyotes?
    - Antinous / Moderator
      
      They can’t climb walls. Owls, though, will eat all of the others, and have no access problems.
      - digi_owl
        
        Heh, gotta love em owls.
        
        especially this kind: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurasian_Eagle-Owl
- digi_owl
  
  Love the photo :D
Flashman

That’s awesome. I love raccoons.
I knew this had to be Montreal: 1. the view and 2. after dark Mount Royal comes alive with the fattest, tamest and most oblivious raccoons anywhere.
solstice2005

Clearly, a majority of the so-called Boing-Boing “mutants” are all in favor of wild life as long it is far away! So what is different in that attitude from the rest of the National-Geographic-reading public? Not much I would say!… At least, the “experiment” was well thought out in terms of health of the “actor” and was funny in terms of confirmation of what goes on in millions of garbage cans per months. Relax! Life is not always according to your pretty ideals…
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  Raccoons are “wildlife” in the same way that pigeons are. OR CRAB LICE. They’re perfectly lovely creatures that have adapted all too well to human environments.
magnetiquewolf

Those raccoons are in Quebec, not the US.

Feeding the raccoons at the Mount Royal lookout is rude, wrong, and stupid.
solstice2005

And I should know since I live in an area with many raccoons (next to a state forest)! You learn and you adjust to them… and they do not go into your garbage and they do not crawl into your ceiling! I am not the only one but all my neighbors have achieved that a long time ago as have thousands of people around the country (obviously outside the SF Sunset District, for whatever reason)!
- Donald Petersen
  
  It’s lovely that you’re able to live so harmoniously with the local fauna, and I have no doubt that you have tightly secured trashcan lids, and you keep all tree branches trimmed well away from your roof and eaves.
  
  I didn’t mind the raccoons strolling through the back yard, and in fact I was pretty amused at how they’d occasionally stroll in the house to bogart the cat food without so much as a by-your-leave. I laughed, then fixed the cat door so they couldn’t unlatch it; problem solved, I thought. Hearing them pitterpat across my roof in the dead of night bothered me not at all. But then they decided to gnaw their way into the attic and nest in the warmth therein. And yes, I found out by the drips of coonwhiz seeping between the boards of the porch ceiling, shortly after they gnawed through the wiring of the porchlight.
  
  No doubt the infestation (or benign visitation if you prefer) is the result of my own moral failing, even far outside the lawless Gomorrah of San Francisco, where I hear a shockingly high percentage of residential structures are infected with termites, dry rot, toxic mold, and the clap. It’s a divine judgment, I’ll warrant.
- blueelm
  
  Actually they probably neglect to bother your houses more because they are able to survive without getting close to you due to the woods. The ones that live in the city do not have that option and therefore adapt in order to survive as do rats,opossums, foxes, and coyotes.
Erik Rook

The real shame here is that she doesn’t have a knife in her teeth. Cut to the next photo and she’s going feral on them. Them city racoons look mighty fat and juicy.
http://halfbakedmaker.org Robert Baruch

I live in a semi-rural area with a forest. We once had an opposum wandering around, but he disappeared. We’ve never had raccoons.

I think the neighbors eat them all.
Christhegirl

I think it’s important to see the greater significance here : This exactly what PETA must have been fearing just yesterday when they announced their opposition to Mario’s Tanooki suit in Super Mario 3D Land. (http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/technology/2011/11/peta-takes-on-nintendos-mario-and-his-tanooki-suit.html)

And here it is, happening already! People covering themselves with raccoons! Doesn’t anyone think about the children?? They copy everything!!
- digi_owl
  
  PETA members where clearly not allowed to play Super Mario Bros 3, or never managed to get to world 7…
ernunnos

Add some .22 WMR to this picture, and that’s a lot of nice hats.
http://twitter.com/ChrisPerriman Chris Perriman

how come I can post with my twitter account but not my BoingBoing one? I keep getting an eror message telling me to make sure I’m logged in properly and I am!

Anyone else or is it just me?
- Guest
  
  i can’t log into your boingboing account either. Cleared your cache?
dainty

Great article in the grand tradition of Vice: ”Dumb people do stupid things (and we try to make it seem cool)”. Keep it up Vice!
hungryjoe

This seems pretty stupid.
- Guest
  
  This seems pretty stupid.
  
  “this” the story, or “this” your comment? I can get behind one of those.
zippy_monster

Yes, feral. As opposed to domestic raccoons.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/swthomson/3759243339/
http://egypt.urnash.com Egypt Urnash

I would not do this myself but OH GOD THE CUUUUUUUTE.
JhmL

Move over, David Attenborough!
The Outside

so cute!!!!!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1201564949 Chris Lites

Why are the cute ones always crazy?
niktemadur

“…since eating is on their mind 80 percent of the time (the other 20 percent is divided between sex and taking dumps)…”

So when does sleeping fit into the scheme of things?

But anyways, I’m underwhelmed. You wanna impress me? Take your suit for a spin around wolverines, my dear!
michael_r

Well, I’m aroused.
sic ‘em, Rex!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3xGpnR1fIo
http://www.doggo.org doggo

Hey! I’ve got a pair of those boots.
Layne

Reminds me of Veruca Salt, being swarmed by the squirrels in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”.

Kind of a dumb idea, in any case. Why not cover herself with honey and lie in an ant mound to see what happens?
- Antinous / Moderator
  
  Why not cover herself with honey and lie in an ant mound to see what happens?
  
  Ants are either sweet-eating, in which case she gets swarmed and not harmed, or meat-eating, in which case, she doesn’t get swarmed because they’re not attracted to the honey.
LintMan

She looks awfully bored to me, or like she is thinking “I’m covered in raccoons AGAIN? Why does this always happen to ME?”
musesum

inspiring! gives me some ideas for my honey badger suit.
M Carlson

Awww, city kids are so cute! Isn’t she precious?