The best spam I've received in a long time

I love unintentionally funny email spam so much. Sadly, it's been a long time—like, years—since I got any that wasn't just a boring re-tread of now-standardized routines. Then, this morning, a wonderful change of pace. In my in-box I found a strange hybrid of the Nigerian prince scam + the foreign lady looking for love scam + the Craigslist I-scam-you-while-you-think-you're-scamming-me scam.

The result of this innovation is a little bit genius, and a little bit completely insane.

Shorter version: My "dear friend" Helen Small, who is very sad that she hasn't heard from me in a long time and thinks I might have abandoned her, wants to send me some of her birthday gifts as a token of her love and affection for me. For overly complicated reasons, she wants to send me these gifts in the care of her boss. That brings us to the following, amazing, couple of paragraphs:

Please do accept this token of love, I know it isn't much but I sent it from my innermost heart and belief you gonna appreciate everything inside the package coz it is coming from a special friend and in a special way to remember me on my birthday.

The content of the pack are;
2 Dell laptop computer,
4 ip-phones, AN ENVELOPE,
A Video Camera
and some jewelries.

For your edification, the video at the top is about a different kind of Spam. If you would like to find out more about what is in Spam-the-food and why it's in there, follow this video link to


  1. I also received this spam email, but with the added bonus that it is ACTUALLY MY BIRTHDAY on Monday. I was like “how do they even KNOW that?”

    It’s worth noting that there’s an email address to contact, as well as a phone number, to receive this package. I’m tempted to call them up.

      1. possible, but it’s also easy to buy packets of name-address-email-birthday tuples online and/or find them on pirate bay, &c. his info may have been leaked.

  2. Conversely, the comment spammers are getting lazier and lazier:

    my neighbor’s step-sister made $274589 so far just working on the internet for a few hours. Read more here ********.com

    1. Conversely, the comment spammers are getting lazier and lazier:

      I moderate a WordPress site for a friend, and I’m always amused by the low-quality of the spam that comes across (I’ve thought about collecting and collating them for the Lulz, but thus far I’ve been too lazy). My favorite from the last few days was a spam message that consisted entirely of one word:


      1. My favorite from the last few days was a spam message that consisted entirely of one word

        They used to sound kind of perky; now they sound like they were written by Al Bundy.

    2. Man, you wouldn’t believe how many of those I have had to delete from a particular website that I work for. They’re spreading like cockroaches with the ebola virus.

      1. About half our spam is from this outfit and the other half just drops in a URL shortener with no other verbiage.  Fortunately, Disqus’s spam filter picks up 90% of it.

          1. I’ve only gotten the e-mails. Somebody spammed everybody who had an e-mail listed with Yoga Alliance, which is the US’s (self-appointed) certification body for yoga teachers. It smelled funny, so I e-mailed YA and after meditating on it for long enough to let some teachers get scammed, they notified all the members.

            I’m quite cautious when I get a request for private lessons from a stranger, because some of them expect a happy ending.

  3. Despite the strength of the law which allows me to be on a federal No Call list I still receive telemarketing calls trying to get my money. I always check my caller ID. Recently the phone rang; upon checking caller ID the screen read “Scam Call”. Needless to say I did not answer.

    1. Recently the phone rang; upon checking caller ID the screen read “Scam Call”

      You’re a better captain than I. Honestly, there’s no way I would have been able to not answer that one.

    2. Yes — I got that call with the “scam call” id last week too. I didn’t pick up either, but I was wondering if was either 1) a form of using honesty to get the desired result, like the beggars who say that they are going to use the money for drugs and alcohol rather than food, or 2) some clever hacker getting back at scammers by tweaking their caller id.

  4. Your spam is an example of the courier-parcel scam, which is a form of advance-fee fraud (a category that also includes prize-pitch scams and, of course, 419 scams).

    Judging by the number of scam messages I receive every day, pretty much every able-bodied adult in West Africa is putting in sixteen-hour days sending this stuff out. Not all of them are as creative as yours, but some of them are inventive enough that you’d think the senders could make more money writing short fiction.

  5. I got a good one the other day:
     The guy wrote me telling me that he wanted private lessons for his son in Qigong (i am a Qigong instructor and i teach private lessons sometimes, as well as my public classes). He claimed he was from out of the country and his son is staying in USA for 1 month and he wanted to keep him occupied. He asked my address and such to mail the check. Then, later he tells me that he sent more money for his living expenses and that he wanted me to Western Union the rest of the check to the ‘caregiver’ that will be taking care of his son. He gave some pretty convincing points as to why, but things just didnt add up and i finally deduced that he was hoping i would transfer the money before his check officially bounced, leaving me with the bill of the wire transfer to his caregiver. 

    It was pretty elaborate… but needless to say his son never came for lessons and he never responded after i told him i would only accept cash, in hand, from his son for the amount of the lessons. 

    1. The guy wrote me telling me that he wanted private lessons for his son in Qigong

      That’s the ‘yoga scam’.  It went around about five years ago.

  6. The best spam I’ve received in a long time…@readers:disqus my best friend’s mom made $185793 so far just working on the computer for a few hours. Go to this web site and read more… (=== ***********.com ===)

    Moderator note: No, really. This is actual spam.

    1. Isn’t AN ENVELOPE enough?  Why’s it got to have something inside?  This is a SPECIAL envelope, OK?  It’s from Helen!

  7. My all time favorite spam subject line: “Attract men with bigger breasts”

    Received at least ten years ago, still the champ.  

    1.  My favorite ‘your-doing-it-wrong’ spam subject line was “Knock walls down with your knob”.

      But then I realized there’s probably a website someplace that specializes in that particular kink…

      1. I used to get ones all the time offering to sell me products that would ‘increase the volume of ejaculation’.

        I always wondered… “how loud is it supposed to get?”

        1. Funny you should post this. Enzyte now has a daily energy boost called “ERUPT”, which ships free with their erection pills.  I was just thinking about how this would have been spam material a couple years ago. But here it is, during prime time. 

  8. The ENVELOPE is certainly tempting, but I would be unwilling to take any further action without an itemized list of  the jewelries.

  9. I think they probably meant “envelope clutch,” i.e. a nice purse (I’m guessing this is targeted to females based on “some jewelries”). Blame it on the Nigerian-English thesaurus.

    Though I really wish I had an intellectual property phone. I don’t know what it would do, but I’m sure it would make me richer.

    1.  They definitely meant an envelope. I have worked in West Africa for 9 years now. Here, “an envelope” is a roundabout way of saying money. If a colleague dies, for instance, and you get invited to the funeral, it is customary to bring an envelope to help defray the funeral costs. The fact that AN ENVELOPE is in ALL CAPS in the scam letter is a way of drawing your attention to what should be the most mysterious and tantalizing part of the offer. I mean, maybe you have a computer and a phone you like already, but who can resist the idea of an unknown amount of cash? Too bad it doesn’t communicate outside of West Africa…

  10. Dear Mister Maggie,

    My name is Herbert T. Lovebug and I am lawyer for your dear friend Helen Small.

    As such I need get you notice of trial (case #GRF537383) for your charge of your defamation of character (Kenya vs. Mr. Maggie) for saying such lies about a genreous gift afforded to you.

    To dispute this charge (a minimum fine set at $250,000 US DOLLARS) please send your name, address and social insurance number and bank details to us immediately to process your not guilty plea. If you enter guilty plea you may settle for waived fine and only need pay court costs of $15 US DOLLARS.

    Yours in law types things,

    Herbert “Herbie” Lovebug
    LLC Barrister Esquire.
    Kenya Court Officer Official
    Tel: 5675309

  11. As a guy who makes money by selling stuff over the Internet, I have to have finely honed line-reading-between skills to avoid getting scammed.

    No, wait, I don’t. It’s blatant. When the customer is more interested in whether I’ll take a cashiers check than what type of merchandise I sell, I can pretty much figure it out.

  12. My all-time favorite was one I got years ago plugging something called Doctor Loomboggle’s Lightning Horsepurge and Life Elixir.

    1. Doctor Loomboggle’s Lightning Horsepurge and Life Elixir.

      That sounds great. I want a water bottle with a suitably 1890s engraving style print of that.

  13. Spam Golden Honey Grail. 

    There’s also spam mail going around that Burger King is going to start selling SPAM burgers…. (wait… what?… wha?…Oh…Really?..)…..Um…..Never mind.

  14. as a printer, once a month or so I get a request for quote from some Church Minister or Deacon so & so, wanting to know the price for 80,000 posters lettersize, saying Jesus Saves (or similar) and wanting to know if we accept credit cards  and can courier the order. Often there are some misspellings, but this particular scam has been around for a few years.  A number of printers did get ripped off over the years.

  15. I got this one earlier this month. Also many levels of WTF:

    ‘I am Saowapa Nuttapon, a Thai lady resident in Britain, United Kingdom. I have worked here for many years and now my husband is dead but his mafia brothers want to take all the money my late husband left behind for me. I refused giving them this money and they have been threatening to kill me and sent many assassins to me which I escaped their hits.

    I wouldn’t want the British Government to notice this money in my account; therefore, I need to send it home for safe keeping. This will be done under a trustful atmosphere.’

    Frankly, even if I were naive enough to believe all this, I don’t think I want that money.

    1. All your scam needs is a flock of doves flying in slow-motion and you have a John Woo film.

      I’ll never forget my favorite world salad spam title, “Amphinucleus Moistener Clay Envelope.” Maybe there’s a connection to Maggie’s.

  16. Hey if you don’t want those IP-Phones I will take them off your hands. They sound totally cool and futuristic.

  17. Damn, I want to remove the image from my post but I can´t.
    It was supposed to be a gif of dramatic chipmunk but only the first frame got uploaded.

    1. If you try to upload an animated gif, it doesn’t work. If you link to it, it does. It’s a Disqus thing. I tried to fix it, but apparently it can’t be done retroactively.

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