Anal fireworks lead to lawsuit

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48 Responses to “Anal fireworks lead to lawsuit”

  1. TripleE78 says:

    This is officially the best headline I’ve ever seen on BB, or frankly anywhere.  You win the internet.

    ~EEE~

    P.S. I mean, I was sad that this wasn’t a story about a homophobic Republican suing someone because they actually enjoyed being on the receiving end, but still awesome headline.

  2. joeposts says:

    someone is butthurt

  3. Gorgonzola says:

    Wait, it’s not the guy with the bottle rocket who’s filing.  Hughes is the guys with the bottle rocket up his ass. Louis Helmburg III is suing Alpha Tau Omega because the explosion startled him and he fell off a deck.

  4. randompasserby says:

    Gorgonzola is correct here. The person suing fell backwards due to the shock/noise of the rocket exploding in the other guys anus

    Quote….. “the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back,” and fall off the fraternity’s deck.”

    Yes the summary is far more sensational than say “person shocked by noise fell backwards” but not quite as accurate

  5. lknope says:

    From the article:
    Helmburg says Alpha Tau negligently failed to supervise its guests and members, “such as defendant Hughes, and other under age persons, from consuming alcohol on its premises, which leads to stupid and dangerous activities, such as shooting bottle rockets out of one’s own anus.”

    OK, I’ll say it: Christ, what an asshole.

    • echolocate chocolate says:

      I was legally allowed to drink 3 years earlier than these young gentlemen, drank plenty as a student, and in fact drank plenty before then, and yet somehow never considered firing rockets out of my arse. Can’t help thinking the alcohol is not the problem here.

  6. There is a party in his pants? 

  7. OldBrownSquirrel says:

    One wonders whether part of the problem was that the stick attached to the rocket was inadequately lubricated.

  8. Stefan Jones says:

    Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!

  9. LinkMan says:

    “Defendant Hughes also owed plaintiff and others on the ATO deck a duty of care not to drink under age, or to fire bottle rockets out of his anus.”

  10. Robert Cruickshank says:

    If this activity was not accompanied by shouts of  “Fire in the hole!”, and if the launcher was not subsequently nicknamed “Werner Von Brown”, that fraternity is not worth joining. 

  11. Jim Thomason says:

    Initially, I assumed that the headline was a typo or autocorrect of “Annual fireworks”.

    Imagine my surprise to learn that it wasn’t.

  12. Tony Patrick says:

    Rocket in Socket Causes Pain in Pocket

  13. Tony Patrick says:

    Plugged Projectile Proves Painful

  14. Christopher says:

    Let’s face it: the guy who had the bottle rocket explode in his rectum has been punished enough and shouldn’t be subject to any further penalties.

    Any judge who finds otherwise should be impeached.

  15. SomeGuyNamedMark says:

    That guy was a flaming asshole.

  16. WillieNelsonMandela says:

    On YouTube there’s a video called “Bottle rocket in ass” that shows a similar event. From watching the video, I conclude that when sparks from the lit fuse land on the bare keister It creates some discomfort and the body’s defense mechanism causes the sphincter to tighten-up. As a result, the bottle rocket will not freely fly away but will instead remain put and blast sparks all over the ass. In short, it would be damn near impossible to successfully launch a bottle rocket from one’s ass.

    • Robert Cruickshank says:

      I wish to God my mind didn’t work this way,  but immediately after reading this, I went back to cleaning my workbench, and my eyes fell on a bin full of lengths of brass tubing.  If one were to pre-insert a suitable tube, a frictionless anal launcher could be constructed.  Smart people would also solder a washer to said tubing to prevent “loss” , but of course, these were not smart people.

    • fjsr says:

      I consider your theory very plausible. I say we need to KickStart a project wherein a large number of fratyboys, as many as possible in fact, are used as subjects for this very important research. Results will be submitted to a peer reviewed journal, preferably one with a name of the type “Annals of Research”.

    • William says:

      Calling Mythbusters.

    • SomeGuyNamedMark says:

       You obviously haven’t watched MTV’s “Jackass” show then

  17. Donald Petersen says:

    At first I was picturing myself standing on the deck when the contretemps began.  Which way would I turn?  “Holy shit!  Lou just fell off the deck!” vs “Holy shit!  Trav just blew up his asshole!”

    And then I read further.  The deck was all of four feet high and Lou got wedged between it and an air conditioner.  Oh, the drama.  For all his considerable dipstickiness, at least Travis has the sense of self-responsibility to not sue the people who illegally got him drunk enough to think shooting rockets out his rectum was a fun idea.  Lou, however, just won’t be invited to any more parties, ever.

  18. Assault_is_eternal says:

    I’m sure it’s not the first time a member of a fraternity got blasted in the ass while drunk.

  19. BookGuy says:

    Great.  Now every time I say something bad about fraternities and some former bro says, “Dude, fraternities are about a lot more than alcohol and date rape,” I have to concede their point, because they’re also about anal fireworks.

  20. MrEricSir says:

    “Anal Fireworks” would be a great band name.

  21. Culturedropout says:

    “FRATANALITY!  Finish him!”

  22. Surely you could simply learn from your mistakes – retentive memory is a plus for evolution

  23. Damn I dropped a deuce before but not likey that

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