Lauren, proprietor of the LAMP zine, got frustrated after arguing with a homophobe on Facebook, so she whipped (!) up a parody of a fundamentalist tract called GOD HATES CHECKERED WHIPTAIL LIZARDS, detailing all the ways in which the parthenogenetic, pseudocoupling titular lizards were a perversion of God's will. Someone phonecammed the tract and posted it to Reddit, and 2.3 million views later, it was Internet history. Lauren was good enough to post a printable PDF on a Tumblr sites for others who'd like to spread the gospel.



    1. He’s more man than you’ll ever be and more lizard than you’ll ever get.

      Hmm.  What does that remind me of?

    1. I’m just a checkered whiptailed lizard trapped in a human body.

      I’m sure the human is more upset about that than you are.

  1. HA!

    I did a similar thing when Christ-mad students kept leaving tracts in books (there were a lot of Nigerian evangelical Christian students at my university).  Mine was based on the Gospel of the KLF.  Hopefully it confused/converted a few people.

    Mu mu!

    1. I’m with the Justified Ancients of  Mu Mu, further known as “The Jam”! That’s orthodox though. Just don’t upset the apple cart, and I’ll look past the heathen differences!

  2. i, like the bald eagle in this informative flier am shedding a tear for the america i love allowing  these abominations of satan to corrupt our children.  may they burn well.  god bless.

  3. Very titillating.  Well I, for one, welcome our new cold-blooded, scale-ridden, heathen lizard gaylords!
    Now where did I put that slingshot…

  4. Death to all hermaphrodites! 

    Oh, wait a minute. 

    So God created man in HIS own image, in the image of God created HE HIM; MALE AND FEMALE created he them.  Genesis 1:27

    So God has sex with himself to create a separate male and female species of sapien.

    How long are people going to continue to turn away from every example of God’s creations and focus only on a select few?

  5. It’s easy to mock fundamentalists, but this work shows it’s worth taking your time and doing it well.

    I’m torn between “God created Adam and Eve, not Checkered Whiptail Lizard and Eve!” or “perversion-apologist scientist” as my favourite lines.

    1. My vote goes to: “‘more like parthe-not-in-the-book-of-genesis’ am I right??” – sounds  like Glenda Slagg in Private Eye…

    2. Actually, Poe’s Law shows that mocking fundamentalists is hard. Anything you do to mock could pass as real fundamentalist literature.

      1. I came here to post that I did think this was ‘real’ when I saw it being passed around on facebook (crazed relatives and such). 

        When I was living in Vegas I was accosted by a possible bum raving about the evils of cacti and how they were works of satan sullying the good name of proper leaf plants and something about tequila. I hated taking the bus down there, apparently being in a hot metal tube meant it was evangelism hour.

  6.  If God really hated checkered whiptail lizards, he would have given them puny little stump tails and plaid stripes…

  7. Saw one of these lizards a few months ago at a vineyard just west of Austin. I did not know I could have been certain that it was a female.

    There are other parthenogenic species of animals. My favorite is the Amazon Molly, Poecilia formosa. It actually lives in the US and Mexico, nowhere near the Amazon river. They are called amazons because they are all female. But they need enzymes from sperm cells to initiate cell division. They get these by mating with other mollies, usually P. latipinna the wild kin of the common aquarium molly.

    If no mollies are around, they will mate with Gambusia. That must be a sight to see, and as a livebearer hobbyist I have spent many an hour watching fish fuck. A male gambusia’s gonopodium is about one third the length of his body, but a female molly is about 10 to 30 times heavier than a male gambusia.

  8. How about this for a brain buster: gay lizards are proof of God and creation and he approves of homosexuality.

    Yeah, yeah, I know the argument is full of holes.  But it’s still worth it to watch heads explode (atheist and fundamentalist) while they try to figure it out.

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