Guitarist sought for Metal Band

A Craigslist of Greatness:

** READ THIS ** Take a few seconds and read what I am into. Now imagine you contacting me and eventually calling me, and asking if I would like to play some blues. Or some 60s Rock. Or some Stone Temple Pilots. Or some Nickleback. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, AUSTIN? NO! The title says "Guitarist for Metal Band", not "Guitarist for chicken fucking, bluesy-riffs, and sonic diarrhea".

I don't care if it's real or not: Guitarist for Metal Band.

(via Mikael Jorgensen; photo: "Electric bass-guitar player surrounded with fire," by Sinelyov, via Shutterstock)

Boing Boing editor/partner and tech culture journalist Xeni Jardin hosts and produces Boing Boing's in-flight TV channel on Virgin America airlines (#10 on the dial), and writes about living with breast cancer. Diagnosed in 2011. @xeni on Twitter. email: xeni@boingboing.net.

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emg72

The Germans must have a word for when you are terribly amused by and would probably agree with something being said, and yet get the feeling that you would absolutely loathe the person saying it.

Therefore, I feel (GERMAN WORD GOES HERE) about this.
- Mark Dow
  
  “Downfallen”
- HahTse
  
  Nope. At least none that I know of. Tut mir leid.
fink

This reminds me of this high weirdness—> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGaa8j8qjfY
A little, anyway. (I’ll kick your ass–then I’ll kick your ass with my music!)
http://twitter.com/Twiddle723 Twiddle

Yup. Another a**hole musician. There are more of them than talented ones. Sad, really.
- peachvortex2
  
  Boy, are you one sour person.
Antinous / Moderator

piss-poor, sloppy guitar and whiny “my vag is so sensitive to sand” vocals

That’s a gneiss image.
Cary Roys

I am a Metalhead, and I don’t think he’s an A**hole at all.

I think he captures the essence of Metal quite nicely in that post. Clear, concise, offensive, unapologetic, descriptive and if read aloud (hopefully) unintelligible.
- http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Davies/527590617 Christopher Davies
  
  No my friend. What this guy is is: obnoxious. Ignorant. De-constructive. Arrogant. Self important. This kind of attitude is fucked. Metal came from blues/classical. He speaks as if it is some horrendous filth of a bygone age not worthy of anyone’s attention. He is none of the things metal is, which would be inspirational, appreciative, bold and honourable.
  
  This guy is just a whining, throw-my-toys-out-of-the-pram fanboy who thinks shunning anyone with an eclectic or varied taste and isn’t pure ROCK ROOOOAAR METAL like him is a waste of space. Amazed this got featured.
  - EH
    
    I can’t wait until you two figure out who’s a real metalhead.
  - wrybread
    
    The only thing that could make this post any funnier would be if a thread war erupted about what, exactly, constitutes true metal…
  - Cary Roys
    
    Metal came from lots more places than just Blues and Classical.
    
    But yes, he’s obnoxious. Which is kindof the point.
    
    Is Metal Inspirational, Appreciative, Bold and Honourable? Yes, some types. I think you’re thinking mostly of bands like Rhapsody and Blind Guardian that fall into the ‘Power Metal’ genre.
    
    Take a band like Cannibal Corpse, and try and say the same things. Is it still metal? You betcha. Part of the appeal of some bands is the shock value, and general mood (for lack of a better word) of anti-establishment.
    
    You don’t have to like it, but indeed it appears to be Totally Metal.
    - Lexicat
      
      “general mood (for lack of a better word) of anti-establishment” Really?!?! Except for well established misogyny, and—heaven forfend—actual anti establishment behavior (you know: homosexuality, gender fucking, radicalized politics, etc.)?
      
      I’ll take punk (and certain awesomesauce segments of hip-hop) any day for actual anti establishment music, in contrast with some bullshit “mood” of “anti establishment.”
  - peachvortex2
    
    Jealous much ?
Cary Roys

To add to this, it maybe helps to be a *little* familiar with the music scene in Austin, TX as well. And, you know. Metal.
http://profile.yahoo.com/5PV5V5C4PWEBDEXE6B3ZG376KM phriedom

So there are no Fenders allowed? Do you think that is just his rule? Or would pretty much all Metal guys agree with him?
- Cary Roys
  
  Depends on the type of Metal you’re trying to make. Fender makes great versatile session guitars, but it’s been some decades where some amount of fuzz gels with the current taste of very, very clean technical sounding Metal.
  
  If you’re a player, contrast a notable fender player like Yngwie Malmsteen with something a lot more beefy and less Wanky like In Flames or Lamb of God.
  
  Don’t get me wrong, there’s some great Fuzz metal bands out there, but they’re kinda throwbacks to the Black Sabbath days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! But this guy clearly wants something more Death-y, which I felt for those in the know, he expressed quite nicely.
  - peachvortex2
    
    :)
- EH
  
  Fender doesn’t make a guitar with 24 frets.
  - nettdata
    
    But they do make amps that go to 11.
- http://twitter.com/tobymgraves Toby Graves
  
  You just tend to see black guitars with pointy edges in metal. You could get away with a Strat with a really hot humbucker and a 4×12 stack, but it might not be accepted within the metal community. Who cares though, really.
http://profile.yahoo.com/RKLDL7UCNDF7LMJUW26EWTMV3A JC C

The best way to get the feel of a guitar player is to play some blues. You may hate the way he plays blues, and that may be exactly what you’re looking for. I’ve auditioned with and run blues, country, and jazz bands. I always say “let’s worm up with come Chuck Berry.” Tells me a lot about the player.
- EH
  
  Why stop at the blues? Just warm up with some field hollers, unless you’re a poser.
- wysinwyg
  
  Yes, I agree, jamming a few verses of blues is a great way for musicians to get to know each other’s styles.
  
  It has nothing to do with authenticity, EH. It has a lot more to do with being a simple but expressive chord progression that many musicians know and frequently play.
  - EH
    
    If you know anything about contemporary metal (say, the last 25 years), “simple chord progressions” are besides the point.
geekd

As a long time musician, I totally sympathise with this guy. He just doesn’t want his time wasted. I get it, and I think the people he is looking for will get it, also.
- http://twitter.com/tobymgraves Toby Graves
  
  Totally–posting ads has such a low rate of return it is ridiculous. So many times I have had to say, “did you read the ad?” to the person on the phone.
FourFeetOfCurl

“I want to make bad ass music, play out a couple times a month, possibly smoke weed, and fuck Metal chicks. That is all.”

Don’t we all.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Davies/527590617 Christopher Davies

He expresses his desires in the most asshole fashion possible.
Say I’m going to start a gaming clan. How would this do:
“Experienced FPS gamers required for AWESOME game clan. No PATHETIC CoD players, nor ANYONE who owns a SNES, fucking assholes, DON’T EVEN CALL. Maybe I’ll like you if you hate all the Metal Gear Solid games, but I probably won’t because I’m too hardcore. The title says ‘EXPERIENCED gamers. If you play Limbo or Braid in your spare time, I’ll smash your face in, with my non-fender guitar. Oh oops I’m the same guy as above.”
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1202150 Kristen Stewart
  
  Your ad doesn’t contain anything like the phrases “cow-fuckers,” “clean Asian whores” or “my vag is so sensitive to sand,” so I think it’s fair to say it doesn’t QUITE match up to the assholery of the original ad.
- echolocate chocolate
  
  That’s pretty tame for FPS gamers. You didn’t include a single homophobic or misogynistic slur.
- peachvortex2
  
  Your sarcasm is a little stale .
http://yoursongcover.blogspot.com/ YoursongCOVER

I don’t really think that this musician is a**hole . He’s so into his world . I thinks it’s awesome
Cowicide

I wonder if he’d like to play some blues?
haineux

REAL metal guitarists don’t even need six strings to RAWK.
sdmikev

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/your-band-sucks/metal.php

oh, and for the record, I don’t like metal (the satire above is similar to how I really feel) but I like this guy on CL. he’s funny.
AccordionIdol

Tiring of how every single poster on a well-used local music forum always included a 2-paragraph rant about ‘fucking time-wasters’ vs ‘serious musicians’, I once posted a Musicians Wanted ad featuring the line “Real, committed, serious Musicians need not apply; Time-Wasters welcome”. No one replied. Not one.
- http://twitter.com/tobymgraves Toby Graves
  
  Every time I’ve seen an ad with “I am serious” or “seeking serious musicians only” it is the biggest crock. If somebody thinks they’re serious that is the truth–they “think” they are serious and that’s about it.
http://twitter.com/tobymgraves Toby Graves

People like this are actually good musicians to find. They know what they want, and they turn out to be pretty nice people. The ones that become trouble are the really quiet ones…they get crazy when drunk and will not state opinions about how they feel about songs until the last minute before you are going into the studio. Seen it, true story.
http://noctilucent-studios.blogspot.com/ Noctilucent Studios

This whole thread is reminding me of an idea I had to start a service whereby I would be the only employee and my sole “job” would be to hire myself out to local bands to be the guy that comes in and says at practice” YOU’RE OUT OF THE BAND, MAN!!” in a slightly manic, high pitched voice.
John Jones

Can I point out that the picture above is a bassist, not a guitarist? But I’m a jazzer, what do I know?
- queg
  
  I actually wondered if it was intentionally ironic..
  The pic of a BASS is even more wrong than a Fender playin’ chicken’-pickin’ guitarist responding to this guy’s ad.
Bottlekid

Dear sir, I have a 12-string Rickenbacker and a Vox AC30. Would like to apply for the position. Any chance of adding some Beady Eye covers to the set? Cheers then!
http://www.facebook.com/roytruax Roy Edward Truax

I rather like this guy… While my taste are a bit more varied, he knows what he wants. I’ve put a few ads out there too, and while I’m more interested in chops and diversity, (I too hate a hack, and hate guys who work too hard on “look” and not enough on skill) few things are more disappointing then booking an audition with posers who can’t play.
Marcelo Teson

Won’t go south of Parmer? And he lives in Georgetown? Good luck. It’s all retirees and new families up there. But at least he’s close to IKEA.
http://twitter.com/Strummist Phil Knight

As someone who auditioned and rejected many applicants for my old Syd Barrett-influenced band, I sympathise. Days of enduring diddly-widdly guitarists (always with Marshall amps, for some reason) in expensive rehearsal rooms, not fun. He can have my rejected applicants and I’ll try his.
- wysinwyg
  
  Diddly-widdly-woooo!
Spinkter

Dude, as the crow flies down MOPAC, it’s only 12 miles from Parmer to downtown. And you’re not gonna drive south of Parmer? Way to make sure you won’t be taken seriously.
Trent Hawkins

Sonic diarrhea; the silent killer
http://twitter.com/H3llMeat Hell Meat

Just a heads up:

Not sure how Steel Panther found my post, and kind of surprised that it showed up on BoingBoing, but whatever. I read these comments that you people made, and a majority of them smack of the things I ranted about. This saddens me. I knew what I wanted, outlined it clearly, etc etc … and I am an asshole. Ok, then =/

Austin is a great town. I wrote this ad because I was (and am) tired of people who waste my time and my friends time by either flaking out, didn’t read the ad and show up and want to play some Cold Play or Creed (on their $99 Fender and $50 amp), show up smelling like they woke up in a ditch, show up and ask if we can smoke weed instead of play, show up without ANY GEAR and want to borrow mine … the list goes on.

Years of this. It became frustrating and aggravating, so I ranted a bit.I play Metal music. This isn’t for everyone, specifically, it’s for a small minority of people who like fast music and a bit more challenging than your average radio music. I am NOT the greatest musician on the planet, but I practice every day and expect anyone who answers my ad to have the same kind of mindset: We will play Metal Music.

As for the traveling complaint: There are tons of places to meet up here in Round Rock (Guitar Center just opened a studio that rents time and supplies all the gear you need). Again, ignorant people who think that because I don’t want to pack my shit into a car and drive 45 minutes to waste my time because you either didn’t read my ad or did not take time to learn the song we agreed to practice. What is stopping you from packing YOUR shit and driving up to Round Rock, like I outlined in my ad? Oh that’s right … nothing. Guess THAT never crossed your mind =/ I will even pay the $30 at GC so we can meet up and jam for two hours. Doubt any of you would do that.

So I’m as asshole because I know what I want to do, and don’t want to deal with people … well, people like who posted here, for the most part. The musicians who know what I am talking about get it, I have nothing but respect for you. I am happy that you are playing what you want and having a good time doing it.

As for the rest of you who think that I am some kind of angry dick for knowing what I want and I’m tired of dealing with people, well … like you … hit me up when you learn to play some Metal. Maybe we can jam.
- schr0559
  
  My band is currently hunting for a singer. So far we’ve had a tweaker, a guy who only wants to do Nirvana covers (but can’t remember how to play them), and a roid-rager who wants to “start from scratch”.
  
  I totally get your pain, man.
- Guest
  
  Simmer down dude. There’ve been a lot of positive comments.
  
  I thought your ad was 100% awesome. You eloquently stated what you were looking for in a completely metal manner sure to both win like minded friends and alienate all those you don’t want to talk to anyway. Lenny Bruce would be proud.
- Ultan
  
  As a friend of a friend once said: ” You know all that other fuckin’ radio bullshit will come and go, but you know the metal will always fucking be here, and it’s because of you, godammit! So give yourself a fuckin’ cheer! Give yourself a death-metal growl! Louder!”
  
  (Link is YouTube / Nile – Lashed to the Slave Stick ( Den Haag ).)
- IronEdithKidd
  
  I wish you nothing, but luck. The Metal will not perish.
- peachvortex2
  
  Well said, very cool. Can’t argue with a confident man.
ill lich

I probably wouldn’t have gave a second thought to this if I saw this on CL while looking for musicians.

It’s more over-the-top than usual, but a lot of CL musician’s ads have similar attitude and ridiculousness.

And this guy’s demands are actually pretty reasonable, even if his attitude is stress-damaged. The worst ones are the guys who are convinced they are going to be HUGE and need bandmates to help them follow their dream of a world tour and “changing the face of popular music!”

Oy vey.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Banks/1210452876 Brian Banks

Most of the comments are spot on, but for those that aren’t dialed in:

- stop wasting the time of local musicians if you aren’t going to PLAY THE MUSIC THE INDIVIDUAL PLACING THE AD IS INTO!

These are the words of a frustrated musician that is creative enough to make a local CG posting that has gone around the world, so i’m thinking he’s creative enough to be a good bandmate.

Don’t mistake years of frustration and a clear request with assholeness. And don’t show up to make music that is in a genre related to metal if they ask for metal. If the ad asks for blues, show up and play blues. If it asks for someone to show up and sing mezzo-soprano….do that.

Very simple. It’s called intellect and common courtesy.