Tactical stabbing pen adds handcuff key and other stuff

The Uzi Tactical Defender Pen goes beyond the usual "if it's stabby and matte black, it's tactical" realm, adding in a DNA-Catcher (a snaggy bit), a hidden handcuff key, a glass-breaker, and a writes-upside-down-and-underwater cartridge. It's not even black.

Are you expecting the unexpected? Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected? Either way, the Uzi Tactical Pen turns a mere pen into a life saving tool. The DNA Catcher on the crown of the pen is very sharp and can be used to deliver a very nasty jab to an attacker, causing extreme pain and giving you a sample of their DNA to use when you go to the police. Not expecting to get attacked? The crown also doubles as a glass breaker if you ever get trapped in your vehicle... If things get really bad, you can always rely on the hidden handcuff key inside the top of this pen. This badass writing utensil is made of high-grade aircraft aluminum and writes upside down or under water. If you can find a situation where you use all of this pen's features and live to tell the tale, we probably owe you some sort of prize.

Uzi Tactical Defender Pen (via Red Ferret)


  1. Plate o’ shrimp! 

    I just bought one of these a couple weeks ago at our local army surplus to satisfy my fetish for  heavy little objects.
    It cost about 25 bucks, and feels properly nerdly in your hand while writing, and pretty “GRAAAARGHH” when clenched in your fist. 

    You could probably put it through someone’s organs or extremities if you were in steroidal 80s-Schwarzenegger shape, but you’d more likely just be giving them a respectably, intimidatingly nasty jab in whatever body part you aimed it at. 

    I’m wondering whether TSA will decide it’s dangerous if it’s just lined up alongside the other pens in my satchel when I get on the plane next week … uhhh, yeah. Check luggage. 

  2. Any civilian who really, truly lusts for a tactical pen does so out of a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy that needs to be addressed.

    1. Or a deep-seated fascination with elegantly overcrafted fiddly objects. 

      Incidentally, I’ve never much gone for the notion that there is a one-to-one correspondence between interests and motives. It’s led to a lot of snarky and uncharitable assumptions about fundamentally harmless things. 

    1.  …and who supervises the Mall Ninja Mall? The Mall Ninja Mall Ninja. Where does he buy his stuff? The Mall Ninja Mall Ninja Mall.

      It’s Mall Ninjas all the way down.

  3. Handcuff key? I think the cops will probably take away your stabby pen in the first place. Unless they didn’t think to search your “tactical cavity.” 

  4. Why is this called an “Uzi” pen? Is that not a brand name?  I guess Israel Military Industries doesn’t own the rights any more, but can you just apply Uzi to anything you want?

    1. I’m sure that Rothco, who I believe manufactures it just, licensed the Uzi name from whoever currently holds the rights. Knife and gun makers seem to love to license out their names for all kinds of unrelated crap.

      And I’m not sure why it’s being called “Think Geek’s Uzi Tactical Defender Pen.” They’re juts a reseller. It’s not Think Geek’s any more than it’s Amazon’s, which is where I bought mine.

  5. Alas. Still a pocket-clip, rather than a proper Picatinny rail mount.

    I don’t know about anyone else; but I am definitely carrying at least a carbine far more often than I am letting the world be deprived of my rippling abs by a shirt…

  6. Make it a little thicker with a detachable clip and it would have another built-in function.

  7. I suppose that’s why Q isn’t in the new Bond films…MI6 can just order their gear off the Internet now.

    1. I’ve often thought James Bond stopped being fun once everyone had cellphones and you can buy laser pens at the pet store for two bucks.

  8. That would be a nice include with a Saddleback Leather briefcase.

    I wouldn’t carry it in a front jeans pocket though. I’ve had even normal pens try to take a DNA sample that way.

    I don’t anything about handcuff locks, but assume there are recreational locksmiths among the readers here… is that anything close to what is claimed?

    1. It’s a real handcuff key. The thing is, the lock on a pair of handcuffs wouldn’t even deserve the name, if they were on something that wasn’t holding your hands together behind your back.

      1. I see… that explains the success of Houdini’s regurgitakey gag. Perhaps some day I’ll be glad to have long arms and short legs.

      2. The first thing I did when I was handcuffed was tuck my legs through my arms   to be more uncomfortable with my hands on my lap. The cop got pretty annoyed and redid them behind my back the first time I did it. He got real fired up and threatened to tie me up even more the second time I did it.

  9. Since you can stab someone with a run of the mill bic, it seems it would usually be  a tactical error to carry around a pen that says “Hey, my owner is the kind of guy who’s really into stabbing folks with pens!”

    1.  I prefer “strategic” objects.  I’m just biding my time, looking at the big picture.

    1.  Sure, as long as you don’t bring any ink refills.  Can’t risk those liquids getting on a plane.

  10. 1) This thing is the size of a baton!2) “The DNA Catcher on the crown of the pen is very sharp…”  Wow, my shirts are going to love that.3) “…writes …under water.”  On what?  Fish?

    1. Hey, fish need labels too!  Otherwise how are you going to know when they go bad?

Comments are closed.