Probably false article claims Madonna worries that her fans want her DNA

An report in the Melbourne Herald-Sun, quoting an unlinked article in the UK Mirror (a truly awful tabloid) claims that Madonna has a DNA cleanup crew who sterilize all the surfaces and vacuum all skin cells and hair follicles after Madonna uses a dressing room, to prevent fans from getting hold of her genetic material. Given the stupid provenance, it's almost certainly not true, but it's a great plot-point for some future science fiction story.

Madonna thinks fans want her DNA | Herald Sun (via Kottke)


  1. Does this remind anyone else of the “Madonna pap smear” scene from Slackers? I call urban legend.

    1.  Yeah that was my first thought. Fantastic film, saw it in Austin when it came out.

      Second thought: this reminds me of a story from my aunt in the little town of Ripley WV, where G.W. Bush went for the fourth of July 2002. Bush had it arranged so he would literally never have to set foot on the ground. Temporary wood walkways and red carpets were installed wherever he went. Seems even crazier than the DNA paranoia, so who knows?

  2. I think this has already been done. It was the gist of a Tyranny Rex story from 2000AD in the 90s. The tag was “Home cloning is killing music”!

  3. Weird, but we actually have a lock of her hair.  From Toronto, decades ago, she had a haircut at a local salon and someone gave a lock of her locks to our friend and she gave it to us (suitable framed).  I’ve always wondered if it was hair from her head…  no seriously it is head hair.  I’m almost certain.

    I recall opening the frame and smelling it once.  Smelled like hair care products.

    I’ll get my Korean contacts to start the clone army immediately.  We had a cat that liked to sleep next to that frame, strange huh?  I’m sure it’ll all work out well once they get the kinks out of the cloning process.

    1. If I understand these things correctly, you’ll need to have a follicle to actually have any usable DNA material.

    2. I’ve always wondered if it was hair from her head…  no seriously it is head hair.  I’m almost certain.

      If it’s longer than an inch I certainly hope it’s head hair…

    1. I could imagine this as a sublot in a near future novel. A rival entertainment company wants to clone the musician, but will alter the number of chromosomes of the clone in vitro to get an opposite sex version of the original artist to avoid obviously copying the original artist.

      The clone will then be accellerated to adulthood. An AI owned by the entertainment company crawls the networks to determine what parts of the zeigeist are exploitable based on trends. Using information based on algorithms and projections derived from amateur video upload analysis and comments in areas like IMVU and Zwinky, the AI decides which pop star engrams will be implanted and that the clone will be given an artificial heart. A comittee of humans overrides the AI’s decision to name the clone Kitty Bacon von Unicorn.

      The idea fails when the AI is unable to discern sarcasm from genuine human interest. The clone is no longer needed by the company and it’s dumped off in the Bucktown neighborhood in Chicago and has to fend for itself.

  4. Closing the barn door after the horse has bolted.  According to a picture book I once saw, she was giving away DNA in the 90’s for a song.

    Not that I’m equating any part of Madonna to a barn door.

  5. Actually, it’s already been a plot point in a Douglas Coupland novel, “All Families Are Psychotic.”  It’s a little over the top, but it was a good read.

  6. Sounds like Madonna’s PR trolls are plotting to get word out about Madonna’s new album.  Conveniently named MDNA.  And Boing Boing just shot her a bunch of web traffic.  For free. 


      1. The DNA sequence is a retro-causal by-product of the singer…..too complex to explain right now, involves the Singularity, Gaga sacrificing herself in her future (our past) like the Engineer from Prometheus….can’t go into fine details.

    1. To be fair, most of us don’t have a lead article in the Daily Mail three times a week screaming about how hideous we’ve become.

  7. Every self-respecting witch or wizard  destroys nail clippings, hair, etc. to make sure that nobody uses them to target a spell.  This is thaumaturgy 101.

  8. only half her fans want her dna, the other half want to give her theirs….such is the price of fame.

    clone her?  i wouldn’t even bone her….

  9. If you’re going to mention the Mirror‘s status as an awful tabloid, you should probably also note the Herald-Sun ain’t a whole lot better.

    In fact it’s worse in a way; pretty much as poisonous but without so many obvious giveaways to its utterly vile nature. It can look almost semi-respectable if you squint a bit… I don’t want to see folks making that mistake.

    It’s a piece of Murdoch shit, staffed by scum.

  10. Yeah, I’m with those who figure it’s probably true, it sounds like her. Let’s see, she only drinks water blessed by a rabbi, she believes in the Evil Eye, and she’s espoused half a dozen fad diets and strange beliefs over the years. She probably believes that if someone were to get a hold of something of her body, something awful might happen. 

    1. Qabala/Kabbala is a serious school of philosophy, in the Platonist vein. By the time Hollywood has eaten it, it’s down to wearing a red bracelet to ward off the evil eye.

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